the bird's and the bees part2

8/4/2019 The Bird's and the Bees Part2

1/24

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

[email protected]


2/24

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

1 INT. DOUGIES ROOM, EVENING MOMENTS LATER (DAY 3) 1

(DOUGIE, NATAS, AGNUS)

(Continued to Dougie being tied to his bed, while Natas ischanting holding a knife.)

DOUGIEIm starting to get really scaredhere.

NATASSHUT UP! AND PREPARE FOR THE RITUALSACRIFICE!

DOUGIEOkay, I heard about this type ofrole playing on a talk showbefore. Isnt this suppose to befun for the both of us?

NATASYOURE A MAGGOT DOG!

DOUGIEI know I can be difficult, but Ima nice guy when you get to know me.

(Natas pours a vile of what appears to be blood on Dougie.)

NATASI come baring a gift for you, myDark Lord.

DOUGIEWait, Dark Lord!

(Agnus walks down stairs.)

AGNUSWhat in the hell is going on inhere!

DOUGIEMom help, this woman is crazy.

(CONTINUED)


3/24

CONTINUED: 2.

NATASYou must be Dougies mother? Imso pleased to meet you.

AGNUSSo, your Dougies new girliefriend. I dont like this type of

thing in my house.

NATASYou live with your mother?

AGNUSYep, hes a virgin.

DOUGIEHello, tied up here! Can we stayfocused!

AGNUS

Im glad you found a girlie friend,but I dont like M&S in my house.

NATASOh, its not S&M.

DOUGIEShes trying to kill me! Isntanyone listening?

AGNUSHey, I dont want to be apart ofwhatever it is your doing. Its

bad enough I had to squeeze you outof my who-ha.

DOUGIEMom! Could you get my p.h.o.n.e?

NATASIm not deaf.(Whispers to Dougie.)

AGNUSIll let you two love birds getback to whatever is your doing.

NATASIt was so nice to meet you Ms...

AGNUSCall me Agnus. Just dont callafter nine. Thats when I havealone time with the man up stairs.

(CONTINUED)


4/24

CONTINUED: 3.

NATASWith God?

AGNUSNo, the man up stairs on the 5thfloor.

(Agnus exits.)

NATASOh shoot. I forgot the goatsblood. Be right back.

DOUGIEIll be waiting for you.(Tohimself) Psycho-path.

(Natas leaves.)

ACT ONE END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT TWO

(Dougie manages to slip out of being tied up, and calls thepolice.)

2 INT. DOUGIES LIVING ROOM, LATER EVENING (DAY 3) 2

(DOUGIE, AGNUS, COP 1, COP 2)

(COP 1, and COP 2 knock on the door, and Agnus answers.)

AGNUSOh my. I swear I didnt know itwas illegal.

COP 1What?

AGNUSNothing.

COP 2Were here because there was a callfrom this residence by the...

(Dougie walks out with what appears to be red paint on hisface.)

(CONTINUED)


5/24

CONTINUED: 4.

DOUGIEIm the one that called you.Theres a...

COP 1And your name is?

AGNUSWhatever my son has done, Iguarantee that he gets it from hisfather.

DOUGIEMom please. My name is Dougie, andmy, this lady was trying to killme.

COP 2Your mom here? It doesnt look

like she could hurt a fly.

DOUGIENo, are you insane?

COP 1Hey, watch it there pal! Ill askthe questions!

DOUGIEMy date tied me up in the basement,and was trying to perform some typeof ritual on me.

AGNUSYour girlie friend? I thought shewas so nice.

COP 2Could you describe this woman?

DOUGIEShe wore black. Um, she had darkhair.

COP 1Is there anything else that you canremember about her?

AGNUSWould you nice officers like tocome in, and have some coffee orsomething?

(CONTINUED)


6/24

CONTINUED: 5.

DOUGIEMom! I was almost murdered likethose shows you like to watch ontv.

COP 2

Sure would love to. I guess a cupor two wouldnt hurt.

(Cops come in, and sit down.)

COP 1You were saying?

DOUGIEShe said something about, gettingsomething she forgot.

(Agnus gives the cops some coffee.)

COP 2Thank you kindly Mame.

AGNUSPlease, call me Agnus.

(Cop 1 takes a sip.)

COP 1Wow, this is the best coffee I evertasted. Did you buy this locally?

AGNUSYes...

DOUGIEUm hello, almost murderedhere. You know, chalk outline?

AGNUSSorry. He was a preemie.

COP 2I notice that you have red paint onyour face.

DOUGIEIts not paint. Its blood. Shewas doing some weird...

COP 1Uh-oh.

(CONTINUED)


7/24

CONTINUED: 6.

AGNUSIm sorry. I told him about thatM&S in my house.

COP 2Sounds like the witch Natas from

across town.

AGNUSI wouldnt call her that. Sheseemed like a nice girl. Not surewhat she saw in you.

COP 1No, she picks up unsuspecting men,and performs a ritual on thembefore she carves them up.

DOUGIE

Wait, did you say carve them up?

COP 2Yeah, you should consider yourselflucky.

COP 1Remember the last guy?

COP 2Im glad we could find all of...

DOUGIE

Okay, shouldnt you be working oncatching her?

COP 1Will let you know if we catch her.

COP 2In the mean time, dont pick upstrange women.

AGNUSIm kinda glad he did. I thoughthe was gay, or some serial killerin the making. I would still lovehim just the same.

COP 1I guess I could see how you wouldcome to that.

(CONTINUED)


8/24

CONTINUED: 7.

COP 2Lets us know if she comesback. Well hang around in theneighborhood for a bit just incase.

(The cops leave.)

DOUGIEAre you going to be okay mom?

AGNUSIm not worried, she wanted youdead, not me. Ill be upstairs ifyou need me. All this excitementhas gotten me worked up.

DOUGIEThanks mom. You always know what

to say to boost my spirits.

AGNUSDont mention it. Goodnight.

(Agnus leaves.)

3 INT. THE POTATO MASTER, EARLY DAY (DAY 4) 3

(DOUGIE, LINDA, MR. BUTTS, TOMMY, MIKE, CUSTOMER 1, CANDY)

TOMMY

Man, what a story right there. Wasshe hot?

DOUGIEIm just lucky to be alive.

MR. BUTTSYou know, that reminds me of thisice cream man in my neighborhood.

DOUGIEWhys that?

MR. BUTTSHe always says hes out of icecream.

TOMMYWhat does ice cream have to do withwhat happened with Dougie?

(CONTINUED)


9/24

CONTINUED: 8.

MR. BUTTSThink about it. Hes alwaysaround, and never has ice cream.

(CUSTOMER 1 walks over.)

CUSTOMER 1Im around, and I would like someservice please.

MR. BUTTSIm very sorry sir. My...

CUSTOMER 1Save it. I just want a number 5 togo, and Ill let you gabby girlsget back to doing each others hair.

TOMMY

Thats really funny, how you tookus down a notch.

MR. BUTTSTommy, would grab more bread fromthe back please?

TOMMYSure. Anything for our wonderfulcustomers.

(Mr. Butts hands Customer 1 food, and he leaves, while Lindawalks in to start her shift.)

LINDAWhats going on gang?

DOUGIEHi Linda. H-How are you doing?

LINDABetter than you, from what I heard.

DOUGIEHow did? What do you mean?

LINDASo, your into witches huh? I got atext from Tommy just a few minutesago.

(Tommy brings bread up from the back.)

(CONTINUED)


10/24

CONTINUED: 9.

DOUGIEHey, why did you tell Linda?

LINDAInquiring minds want to know.

MR. BUTTSLinda, you were ten minuteslate. You know what that means?

LINDAIm so sorry Mr. Butts, but Ipromise not to do it again. I haveto care for my grandma, and shesold...

MR. BUTTSSay no more. I understand. Justnext time remember that...

LINDAA happy spud is a happy customer.

MR. BUTTSWell, dont just stand thereguys. Get t o work. Ill b e in m yoffice if you need me.

(Mr. Butts exits.)

TOMMYWait. You dont have a sick

grandma.

DOUGIEYou lied about your sick grandma?

LINDAYou catch on fast. And thats howyou get out of wearing thatridiculous costume.

TOMMYThats genius.

LINDANo, I just use my God given talentsof female persuasion.

DOUGIEWhat?

(CONTINUED)


11/24

CONTINUED: 10.

LINDAIm a woman, and Mr. Butts is aguy. Have you ever seen Mr. Buttswith a girlfriend, or talk about awife?

TOMMYNot really. I just thought he wasalways kinda weird. Hes got thatX-files vibe. Conspiracies ofaliens, and ice cream men.

LINDAWait, what?

DOUGIEYou had to be there.

LINDA

So, how was your date, or Wiccaexperience with this woman?

TOMMYI think chicks like that are hot.

DOUGIEIts not hot. I was almost killed.

LINDARemember, your talking to a guywhose pick up line is, do you havechange for a twenty?

TOMMYHey, they like it.

LINDAIts only because theyre dancingfor it.

TOMMYHey, I dont complain about where Iget the mustard for my hot dog.

DOUGIEIm pretty sure, I dont want toknow what that means. Besides, thepolice said they will look for her.

TOMMYI heard she chopped a guy up, andfeed him to her dog.

(CONTINUED)


12/24

CONTINUED: 11.

LINDADont listen to him. Hes justtrying to rattle your cage.

DOUGIEHey thanks.

LINDABesides, she probably has a photothat she burned of you, or one ofthose voodoo dolls.

(Mike walks in.)

TOMMYHey, check this guy out.

DOUGIEOh, thats my landlord.

TOMMYHe looks like Huggie Bear.

LINDAIll let you boys field thisone. Im gonna go spy on Mr.Butts. He hates it when I catchhim checking out mail order brides.

TOMMYWait, mail order brides?

LINDAWhy else do you think he lets mecome in late with a lame excuse?

DOUGIEI should use that next time, so Idont have to wear that itchy hotcostume.

LINDAYou cant. It only works becauseIm a girl, and somehow he thinksits sexual harassment.

(Linda exits, and Mike walks over to Dougie.)

MIKEHey, I heard what happened fromyour mom.

(CONTINUED)


13/24

CONTINUED: 12.

DOUGIEI cant believe I listened to you.

MIKEHey, its not my fault. I thoughtyou would have figured out that

Bram Stoker needed medication.

DOUGIEMore like a straight jacket, and acrucifix.

(Linda walks out.)

MIKEThats her right? Hey, I have anidea. This is Candy.

(CANDY hugs on Dougie.)

ACT TWO END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT THREE

DOUGIEMike. What is this about?

MIKE

You know its really dead inhere. Oh sorry, last night youalmost...

DOUGIEI mean, why is this...

(Dougie points to Candy.)

CANDYCandy.

MIKEHey, everyone needs a little armcandy to make another womanjealous.

CANDYThats really funny, because thatsmy name.

(CONTINUED)


14/24

CONTINUED: 13.

DOUGIEYeah. This is stupid.

MIKEJust play along. Here she comes.

(Linda walks over.)

LINDASo Dougie, these your friends?

DOUGIEThis is Mike, my landlord. Mike,this is Linda my co-worker.

MIKEHi.

LINDA

Hi, and this your girlfriend?

DOUGIEHis girlfriend? Why would you saythat?

LINDAI didnt know we did show, and tellat work. This your main squeeze?

CANDYI like show, and tell. I do thaton...

DOUGIEShe did it for fourth grade showand tell.

CANDYI wouldnt have done that in fourthgrade. I dont think you could dothat sort of thing than.

LINDAWow. Your cute.

CANDYThanks.

DOUGIEThis is Candy.

(CONTINUED)


15/24

CONTINUED: 14.

LINDADoes she give you a cavity?

CANDYThe dentist said I had one. Thatsnot contagious is it?

LINDANo, but stupidity might be.

CANDYHey, are you calling me dumb?

DOUGIENo, shes not doing that? Whydont you go wait over there withMike?

CANDY

Okay.

LINDAYour new girlfriend?

DOUGIESort of. We havent been going outlong, and I think shes getting...

LINDARid of her baby teeth? Who is shereally?

DOUGIEI told you. I really might befalling for her.

LINDAIm very happy for you, and CandyBar.

DOUGIECandy.

LINDADont have too much. You might geta cavity.(Laughs to self.)

(Mike is signaling for Dougie.)

MIKESo?

(CONTINUED)


16/24

CONTINUED: 15.

DOUGIESo, what?

MIKEDid she seem to be really jealousat all?

DOUGIEMore like she thinks Im an idiotfor going out with you. Nooffense.

CANDYNo defense taken.

MIKEWhy dont you go wait in the carsweetness.

(Candy exits.)

DOUGIEWhat do I do now?

MIKEWe go back to the drawingboard. Stop by my place afterwork.

4 INT. MIKES APARTMENT, LATER DAY (DAY 4) 4

(MIKE, DOUGIE, ROSIE)

(Dougie knocks on Mikes door.)

DOUGIEMike.

MIKEIts open Dougie, come in.

(Dougie walks in while Mike is laying down getting a massagefrom ROSIE.)

ROSIEHel-lo.

MIKEHey, Rosie. This is my friendDougie. Dougie this is Rosa, but Icall her Rosie.

(CONTINUED)


17/24

CONTINUED: 16.

DOUGIEYou wanted to see me?

MIKEIts time to go to our back upplan.

(Mike gets up from the massage table.)

DOUGIEWhat back up plan?

ROSIEIm going to train you to be awoman.

DOUGIEHuh?

MIKEWhat she means is, shes going totrain you to think like a woman, soyou can get the woman of yourdreams.

DOUGIEOh, this will be good.

(Rosie sits down, and gestures Dougie to sit next to her.)

MIKEWhy dont you scoot closer to her,

and hold her hand, while gazinginto her eyes.

DOUGIEWhy?

MIKEBecause thats the gaze. The eyeof the tiger. Youre an animal,and shes your prey.

ROSIEIm sorry but you smell likedonkeys rear.

DOUGIEHey!(Smells himself.) Oh yeah, yourright.

(CONTINUED)


18/24

CONTINUED: 17.

MIKEDont worry you guys. I have aremedy for that.

ROSIEHopefully a bath.

DOUGIEHey!(Smells himself again.) Ohright, good call.

(Mike comes back, and sprays Dougie with cologne startlinghim.)

MIKEThere you go. All fixed.

DOUGIEWhat the hell was that?

ROSIEGracias.

MIKEIts called essence of man. Itssuppose to bring out your mananimal.

(Dougie starts laughing.)

DOUGIEMy man animal. Isnt that a little

personal?

MIKENot that type of animal. It bringsout your natural manhood that womenfind so appealing.

(Rosie sniffs Dougie.)

ROSIEFresh manhood.

DOUGIEThis is a little weird.

MIKENow, you can have this, but makesure you shower first beforeputting this on.

(CONTINUED)


19/24

CONTINUED: 18.

ROSIEAnd dont spray too much. I dontlike when a man smells like thebottle. It gets in your hair andclothes and...

MIKEI think we get it. Lets moveon. Okay so, women like a man tosmell nice, dress nice, and moneyisnt important but helps.

DOUGIEYou saw where I worked. Im notactually rolling in it.

MIKEThats okay. Will have to try tobring out your other special

attributes.

DOUGIEWhich is?

ROSIEWell, your a nice guy.

DOUGIEOh no.

MIKEWhat?

DOUGIEA nice guy sounds like this guy ont.v. that had a bunch of cats, andlived alone with a peg leg, and adead gold fish.

ROSIEReally?

MIKEWow, you really need a woman.

DOUGIEPlease help me Mike. I dont wantto be that dead gold fish guy!

MIKEI have an idea. We should roleplay.

(CONTINUED)


20/24

CONTINUED: 19.

ROSIEIm not into that sort of thing.

5 EXT. BUS STOP BENCH, MUCH LATER DAY (DAY 4) 5

(DOUGIE, MIKE, ROSIE, SAVANNAH, SOPHIA)

DOUGIESo, what are we doing here?

MIKEYou are going to hit on one ofRosies friends.

ROSIEShe said that she should be hereany minute.

(SAVANNAH appears at the bus stop.)

DOUGIEIs that her?

ROSIEThats got to be her. I recognizethat tacky wench anywhere.

MIKEWhats her name?

ROSIE

Its Sophia.

DOUGIEWhat do I do again?

MIKEOkay, your going to walk up toSophia, and before you sayanything, your going to look aroundlike you lost something.

(Mike demonstrates the look for something lost.)

DOUGIEWhy? That looks stupid, and youlook constipated.

MIKETrust me, it will get herattention.

(CONTINUED)


21/24

CONTINUED: 20.

DOUGIEOkay, what do I do after that?

MIKEAfter that, your going to ask herthat your looking for her, and youfound what your looking for.

DOUGIEWhy would I ask that?

MIKEBecause she will ask you what yourlooking for, and thats when youtell her.

DOUGIEOkay, here goes nothing.

MIKE

Remember, eye of the tiger.

DOUGIEEye of the tiger.

MIKEGo get her tiger!

(Dougie approaches Savannah, and she stares at him like astrange weirdo.)

SAVANNAHYou looking for something doll?

DOUGIEI found you looking for me, and youfound it. I mean, I found you.

SAVANNAHYour kinda cute, whats your name?

DOUGIEDougie, but you can call me Dougie.

SAVANNAHOkay, Dougie, that I can callDougie. Looking for some action,and satisfaction?

DOUGIEYeah I guess.(Looks back at Mike.)

(Mike gives Dougie the thumbs up.)

(CONTINUED)


22/24

CONTINUED: 21.

SAVANNAHYou have the bread?

DOUGIEWhat? Oh yeah I have the bread.

SAVANNAHHow much bread do you have?

DOUGIEUm, I dont know, but I have plentyfor you.

SAVANNAHThats all I needed to know.

(Savannah pulls out a cop badge.)

DOUGIE

Are we gonna role play?

SAVANNAHNo. Im a cop, and your underarrest for solicitation.

DOUGIEYour Sophia right?

(Sophia walks over to Mike, and Rosie as they look onhorrified.)

SOPHIA

Hey guys, whats shaking?

ROSIEWait. I thought that you were overthere.

MIKELet me guess, your Sophia?

SOPHIAYeah. Wheres your friend at?

ACT THREE END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT FOUR


23/24

22.

6 INT. COUNTY JAIL HOUSE, MOMENTS LATER (DAY 4) 6

(DOUGIE, COP 1, COP 2, SAVANNAH)

DOUGIEBut Im really not looking for

hookers. Im just looking for adate.

SAVANNAHThats what they all say. Insidenow.(Shoves Dougie inside, andcloses the cell door.)

COP 1Looks like we have a good round upso far hiding into the night.

DOUGIE

Hey, I know you guys. Could youhelp me out?

COP 2Your the guy that almost becameanother victim to that serialkiller?

COP 1Tell your mom that was greatcoffee.

DOUGIE

I really need your help rightnow. See, there was amisunderstanding.

(Cop looks at Dougies file.)

COP 2Solicitation is a seriousoffense. Let him out.

DOUGIEOh, than you guys.

COP 1You get one phone call, and make itquick.

DOUGIEOne phone call?


24/24

23.

7 INT. COUNTY JAIL PHONE, MOMENTS LATER (DAY 4) 7

(DOUGIE)

DOUGIEMom. I have some good news, and

some bad news. Mostly bad news.

ACT FOUR END

FADE OUT:

END CREDITS

the bird's and the bees part2

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