tss difficult conversations

8/6/2019 TSS Difficult Conversations

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Difficult conversations

Geir Kalstad

Psychologist & Partner Conforte ans Telenor Satellite ServicesInternational Leadership Program2003 - 2004


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Definition: A conversation where the leaderseeks to communicate a message,

or to focus on a theme that feelsuncomfortable for the leader and / or the co-worker


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Examples Feedback

Not good enough work, bad behaviour,

alcohol Conversations focusing the relation

Bad relation concerning leader and co-worker? Conversations concerning change

adjustment, relocation, dismissal


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Why focus on this inleadership?

Many leaders underline this as a difficult part ofbeeing a leader A lot of energy will get lost if there is an unsolved

conflict going on in the organisation People may question the leaders efficiency if the

leader is not capable to execute a difficultconversation


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Postponing the difficult

conversation

Difficult conversationshave a use-by day Some difficult

conversations havebroken the use-byday The leader didnot execute theconversation in time

Best before11. 11. 03


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The leadership-role and the person

To analyse yourown role as aleader can beuseful to getsome distance tothe situation


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Look into new areas! The problem is not our actions it

is our thinking!

The conversation will reflect yourattitude towards human co-

operation!


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Each difficult conversation

is really 3 conversations

1. The what happendconversation

2. The feelings conversation

3. The identity conversation


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1. The what happendconversation

Focus towards; Truth Intention

Blame


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The first mistake: The truth -assumption

We seldom question our assumption I am rightand you are wrong!

Difficult conversations is almost never aboutgetting the facts right! It is about differentperspectives, interpretations and values. It is not

about the truth, it is about what is important.


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Different stories We all have different stories about the

situation because we interpret information inour own special way.

In difficult conversations, we usuallyexchange conclusions, without sharing what

our information is and how we interpret thisinformation


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The ladder of inferenceOur conclusions

Our observations

Our culture and values

Our way of thinking


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The 3-step rocket

a way to climb down theladder of inference

1. Your opinion

2. Your observations / data

3. Invitation to dialog


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ASDF


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The second mistake:

The intention invention We think we know the other persons intention,

without dooing so and even worse; when we arenot quite sure we often deside that the intentions arebad

Intentions are invisible We usually invent other peoples intentions without

asking them

Sometimes people act from complex intentions sometimes without intentions or no intentionsconcerning us and sometimes the intentions aregood, but we still feel hurt


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What is the focus in theconversation?

Intention Action Consequence


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The third mistake:The Blaming

Many difficult conversations have a lot of focus towardswho is to blame for what happend Blaming other people contribute to reactions of defence

When competent and smart people do stupid things, thesmartest thing to do is to clearify what tributed to this andhow we can prevent this to happen again

It is important to understand the difference between guiltand contribution


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Contribution is about

understanding and looks forward

Good questions to find the contributions; How did we both contribute to this situation?

what did we do or didn`t do, to make thishappend? When we have identified the contributions

how can we change this?


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2 tools to find contribution

Reversed roles Ask yourself; What would the other person

say about my contribution?

The insight of the observer Take one step back and look at the problem

from distance think of yourself as anconsultant how can you describe what ishappening ?


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We have to handle differentperspectives at the same time

- Express own experiences and opinions- Search for the other persons experience

and opinion- Acknowledge own and others experiences


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Explore

A r g u e

Vague

John Wayne

Avoid

Commonlearning

Little

Much

Much

h l dd f b


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The ladder of ambition

The message is delivered

The message isunderstood

The message isaccepted

The message isaccepted and themotivation established

The message leads toreal change

Gratitude and fullrecovery

LEVEL OF AMIBITION

Manage thebarricade to say it

Be clear, directand concrete

Get the recipient toacknowledge the problem, andto take responsibility for it

Stand firm on the subject

and soft on the person.Building relations

Focus on solutionsFollow-up

CHALLENGES

Bang & Lindholm

Diffi l i


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Difficult conversations

model of dialog Before the conversation

Thorough preperations

Consider thoroughly Entry

Establish contact Announcement be clear and concrete

Get to the point Establish rules for the conversation Describe what you know Describe possible consequenses if the problem continues

Exchange

Describe your feelings and reactions concerning the things you know Get the other person to describe their interpretation of the situation Ask as many questions as you need to understand the situation from

the other persons perspective Discuss possible solutions

Exit Summing up

tss difficult conversations

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