Difficult conversations; why weavoid them and why we probablyshouldn’t

Sharon Neal, Oxford Learning Institute

Wednesday 1 October 2014

Purpose of the session

• To give you the chance to explorewhy some conversations are difficultand the role that inference andemotions play in making thoseconversations problematic

• To introduce a 4 step model that youcan use to turn difficultconversations into courageousconversations

Schedule

• What do we mean when we say “difficult?”

• Why are some conversations difficult?

• Understanding what is happening in adifficult conversation

• A toolkit to use in a courageous conversation

• Practise!

In pairs

• Identify a conversation that you woulddefine as difficult (yours/ someoneelse’s, past/ present/future, athome/at work)

• Imagine that you could say exactlywhat you want to say, no holds barred,to start that conversation

• Ignore possible reactions and anyother repercussions

• Say it to your partner

• Share with each other what you thinkwould happen if you really did say that

JoHari Window

HIDDEN ARENA

UNKNOWN BLIND SPOT

Knownto self

Known to othersLOWAWARENESS

WELLKNOWN

WELLKNOWN

Ingham and Luft, 1955

The power of inference

Human beings think very quickly. We have the capacity toassess a situation, infer meaning and come to a conclusionin an instant. Because we arrive at our conclusions soreadily and the wisdom of our viewpoint seems so obviousto us, we think it must be just as apparent to others.Consequently, when faced with a difference of opinion, wecan be inclined to simply state our viewpoint with theresult that we find ourselves locked into an exchange inwhich we are disputing facts and details with one another.

Locked exchanges- the signs

• We throw our opinions back and forth at each other andstate those opinions as if they were fact.

• We are tempted to call in a third party to resolve thedisagreement.

• We become discouraged and stuck and settle on lessthan ideal solutions.

• We get frustrated and decide that the other person isstubborn, ill-informed or just plain wrong.

• We feel compelled to complain about or commentadversely on the other person to a third party.

Difficult to Courageous- a strategy

Pool of information

We selectinformation

We interpret thatinformation (we maymake assumptions)

We drawconclusions

We infer meaning

Ladder ofinference- how

do we climbdown the ladder?

Difficult to Courageous- a strategy

By suspending our judgement and becoming curious aboutthe other person’s point of view you are able to:

• Acknowledge that they have reached their conclusionsthrough their own sets of values and assumptions andthat their point of view is valid for them.

• Consider that they may be seeing something – aperspective, some information – that you’re not seeing.What is of value in what they’re saying and how can itadd to your perspective?

• Invite the other person to share the thinking that led totheir conclusion.

Courageous conversations: 4 step model

• Describe your reality- your conclusionsand how you got there

• Invite others to describe their realities,while suspending your judgement

• Explore differences, making assumptionsexplicit

• Create new understanding and waysforward

Step 1

1. Name the issue

2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behaviouror situation that you want to talk about changing

3. Describe your emotions about the issue

4. Clarify what is at stake

5. Identify your contribution to the problem

6. Indicate your wish to resolve

7. Invite your partner to respond

An example

“I’d find it helpful to talk about the fundraising fete. I’m keento be involved and to feel that I’m doing my fair share of thework. After the meeting last week, I came away with almostnothing to do, apart from getting some quotes for an extramarquee, and I felt a bit marginalised. I wondered if I’ve onlybeen given a small thing to do for a reason. I’m worried thatit’s because I'm not perceived to be the kind of person whocan contribute effectively. The fundraising campaign isimportant to me personally because we’re fundraising for theAlzheimer's Society, which means a lot to me and to myfamily. I really do want to contribute by doing more. I don’tmind what it is. I’d really like to hear your views.”

Step 1- In pairs

• Think of a difficult conversation that you need to haveor have had or that someone you know hasexperienced/needs to have

• Prepare an opening statement lasting 60 seconds thatyou will use to begin the conversation

• Make sure you cover the seven points on the slide

• Now practise your conversation openers with each other

• At the end of each opening statement, the listenershould check how the other party is, ask for his/herreflections on what he/she did and then offerconstructive feedback

Step 2: Listening and suspending judgement

Active listening

• Eye contact

• Open posture

• Body angle

• Being attentive

• Responding (nodding, saying “yes,” withoutinterrupting)

• Keeping still

Step 3 – exploring difference using playingback and questioning

• Playing back – paraphrasing, reflection (cleanlanguage) and summarising

• Questioning- open questions (questions that will notresult in a single word answer, how, where etc) plus aneutral stance (unconditional positive regard)

Step 4: resolve (new understanding and ways forward)

• What areas of potential agreement are there?

• Any congruent opinions or views?

• Propose options

• Listen

• Refine options

• Don’t force the issue

• If you need to stop and meet again then do so

• If there are no areas of agreement, then put that forward as yourneutral perception and ask for ideas

• You have the right to end the conversation, with or without anothermeeting scheduled

• If you end the conversation with no agreement, offer your neutralsummary and invite the other party to do the same

Behaviours to look out for

Look out for:

• Neutrality rather thanjudgement or deference

• Willingness to resolve

• Open body language

• Neutral tone of voice

• Engaged eye contact

• Clarity of the message (don’tpull the punch)

The Three Conversations

Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone, BrucePatton and Sheila Heen (Penguin, 2000)

The Three Conversations

• The “What happened?” conversation Most difficultconversations involve disagreements about what hashappened or what should happen.

• The feelings conversation Every difficultconversation also asks and answers questions aboutfeelings. These feelings may not be addressed directly,but they will leak in (and out) anyway.

• The identity conversation This is the conversationwe each have with ourselves about what this situationmeans to us.

Further reading- some suggestions

• Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone, Bruce Pattonand Sheila Heen (Penguin, 2000)

• Fierce conversations, Susan Scott (Piatkus, 2003)

• Difficult conversations- 10 steps to becoming atackler, not a dodger, Clive Lewis (Globis, 2011)

• Vital conversations, Alec Grimsley (Barnes Holland,2010)

Your views?