modern family new to you

8/3/2019 Modern Family New to You

1/37

MODERN FAMILY: NEW TO YOU

written by

Terrence Huang


2/37

COLD OPEN

INT. HALEY'S BEDROOM - MORNING

HALEY is asleep under the covers. It is still dark in theroom; it must be before sunrise. We hear a slow creek as

PHIL enters. He holds a cake, lit up with candles.

PHILHaley.

(beat)Haley, wake up.

PHIL TALKING HEAD

PHILWhen Haley was little, I used towake her up every year with abirthday cake and she would blow

out all the candles.(beat)

Then, we would eat cake forbreakfast. It was her favoritething.

INT. HALEY'S BEDROOM - AS BEFORE

PHIL (V.O)The past few years, she's told menot to come into her room anymore.But since she's turning seventeen,I thought I'd reignite thistradition.

Haley tosses in bed.

PHILSweetheart. Guess what today is?

HALEYHuh? What?

(beat)What time is it?

PHILAbout 5:45. Why?

HALEY(painfully)

I'm sleeping, Dad. Go away.

PHILHappy Birthday.

Haley sort of sits up to look.


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2.

HALEYI thought we agreed you weren'tgoing to do this again.

PHILNever again. Same time next year.

Who can really tell exactly whatwas said?

HALEYJust go away, Dad!

PHIL(a little hurt)

Okay. Okay.

PHIL TALKING HEAD

PHIL

It's just hard when they grow up.You worry about them so much, youknow. Always worrying that they'resafe.

INT. HALEY'S BEDROOM - AS BEFORE

Phil symbolically leaves the cake on Haley's bed for her.

PHIL (V.O.)You just want the best for them.You want to give them everythingyou possibly can.

Phil begins to walk out of the room, but before he shuts thedoor, he turns back.

PHIL (CONT'D)Happy Birthday, honey.

PHIL TALKING HEAD

PHILYou really just want to give themthe world.

HALEY (O.C.)Ahhhhhhhh! Oh, my God! Fire!

The camera pans over to the staircase where a comforterflies down the banister, engulfed in flames. The rest of thefamily is now out of their beds watching as Phil grabs abroom and starts trying to mat out the fire. Finally, itsubsides. Phil pants heavily, looking over. Claire stares atPhil.


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3.

CLAIRE TAKLING HEAD

CLAIREWhen Haley turned six, he lit oneof her stuffed teddy bears on fireand Phil had to put it out in the

toilet bowl.(beat)

It took three years of therapy forher to forget that one. I might aswell give Dr. Frank a call. It'sbeen, what, two months already?

Phil comes running in.

PHILLook, Claire. I salvaged somecake. It's totally fine to eat.

Claire begins to motion and say no, but Phil puts it in hismouth anyway.

PHIL (CONT'D)No, that's not chocolate.

(stickingtongue out)

Yeah, that's ash.

END OF COLD OPEN


5/37

4.

ACT ONE

INT. PRITCHETT HOUSE - MORNING

MANNY comes running into JAY and GLORIA'S bedroom.

MANNYMama! Mama!

Gloria and Jay are still in bed. Gloria wakes up as anyconcerned mother would do. Jay remains motionless.

GLORIAAy, what's the matter? You didn'tburn yourself on the light bulbagain, did you?

Manny looks at his hand where the wound was before.

MANNYNo. I need more wrapping paper.

GLORIAWhat do you mean, Manny? I alreadybought you three extra rolls.

MANNYWhere?

GLORIAI put them in the kitchen pantry,next to the tostadas.

MANNYAh, right.

Manny begins to scurry away.

GLORIAWhat are you doing down there? Idon't want to find a giant mess.

The alarm goes off.

GLORIA (CONT'D)Ay, Jay, time to get up.

GLORIA TALKING HEAD

GLORIAManny has always been such acreative person, making things,writing poems, drawing pictures. Istill keep a picture he drew whenhe was just a little boy inColombia.


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5.

Gloria holds up a crayon drawing of their family and house.

GLORIA (CONT'D)(explaining)

This is me and Manny in thekitchen. Manny is holding our pet

Chihuahua, Zapatero. Oh, and thisis Manny's father in the front ofthe house.

(beat)And these are the militia mencoming to take Manny's father awayfor drug trafficking.

Behind her Manny runs through the house holding a roll ofwrapping paper. He runs back into the other room and we hearthe door shut.

Gloria smiles proudly.

EXT. MITCH AND CAM'S PLACE - DAY

Establishing shot. We hear the sounds of crying.

INT. MITCH AND CAM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - SAME

CAM holds LILY as he enters the kitchen. She criesfuriously. Cam has a pacifier in one hand.

CAMIt didn't work. She just keepsspitting it out.

MITCHTry feeding her then.

CAMShe's not hungry.

MITCHI don't know. The books say thatsometimes there's nothing you cando. Teething is painful for them.

CAMOh, Lily, won't you just pleasestop crying?

(startssinging)

Every night in my dreams,I see you, I feel you.That is how I know you'll go on.

MITCH looks over giving a brief sigh.


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6.

MITCH AND CAM TALKING HEADS

MITCHEvery time Cam is feeling a littledown, nothing cheers him up morethan singing a Celine Dion power

ballad.

CAMI know it's a little weird, but tome, her words are like a dovefloating through the air.

MITCHSo he thinks it'll help Lily,but...

CAMShe loves it.

Mitch is mouthing "Celine Dion," to emphasize.

CAM (CONT'D)I see you mouthing her name.

MITCHYou know what started it, right?

(beat)Anyway, I've boycotted all futureJames Cameron films. Everythirteen-year-old girl fell inlove with Leo. And so did thisbehemoth.

CAM(whispering)

I'll never let go.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DAY

The family is sitting at the table having lunch.

PHILLook, I'm sorry I left the cake

there.

ALEXYou know what I said about openflames near fabrics. No one everpays attention to my PSAs.

LUKEAre we allowed to play with firenow?


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7.

CLAIRENo, Luke. Eat your sandwich.

PHILWell, don't worry, because I thinkwe can make it up to you.

Haley looks over to her father.

PHIL (CONT'D)Your mother and I have discussedit, and we're going to get you acar!

HALEYWhat?

ALEXAre you serious?

HALEYSeriously?!

PHILYeah.

ALEXWe've all been in a car with her,right? We do remember when she hitthat old lady?

PHILThat old lady dashed out into thestreet. Her walker made her blendin with the metal railing.

LUKEIf I burn down my room, will youbuy me an XBox 360?

Luke is flicking on a lighter. Claire immediately grabs itfrom him.

CLAIRE

Where did you get that?

CLAIRE AND PHIL TALKING HEADS

CLAIREWe've been waiting for this dayfor a long time.

PHILBig day.


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CLAIREFor seventeen years it's beensoccer practice and school andbirthday parties. Driving themeverywhere.

PHILShe's always taking them to thepark and the dentist and the zoo.Yet she refuses to take me to seeGloria Estefan live.

CLAIRENow, it's her turn.

PHILYeah, and so what if she hits afew pedestrians along the way.It's supposed to be a learning

experience.

CLAIREThat's not funny.

PHILThey'll be safe, right? I mean,what were seat belts made foranyway?

Claire gives a look of worry, realizing this may be a hugemistake.

INT. DINING ROOM - AS BEFORE

The phone rings. Claire picks it up. Haley is jumping up anddown in the background.

CLAIRE(into phone)

Hello?

INTERCUT CLAIRE AND MITCH

MITCH

Claire, Lily won't stop crying.

CLAIREDid you make her watch Titanicagain? I told you that babiesdon't like that movie.

MITCHNo, she's teething.


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9.

CLAIREShe won't suck on her pacifier?

MITCHNo.

CLAIREI always gave them a littlecrushed up Tylenol in some babyfood.

MITCHIs that safe?

CLAIRESure, kids are resilient.

MITCHOkay.

In the background, Luke is holding a candle under thetablecloth. Claire spots him.

CLAIRELuke, put it out!

INT. MITCH AND CAM'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Cam is still holding Lily. Mitch comes in with some babyfood.

MITCHHere.

CAMWhat's that?

MITCHBaby food.

CAMAnd?

MITCH

Some Tylenol.

CAM(appauled)

Are you trying to poison ourdaughter?

MITCHIt's just to help with the pain.


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10.

CAMNo, Mitch. We can't start her onpills. How can you even bring thatover here? You know what they didto Judy.

Cam begins rocking Lily to try to calm her down. Mitch isleft standing there.

CAM TALKING HEAD

CAMGarland. May she rest in peace.

Cam gets teary eyed.

INT. PRITCHETT HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Gloria stands outside Manny's work room. She knocks.

GLORIAManny, what are you doing inthere?

MANNY (O.C.)I'm creating a masterpiece.

GLORIACan I come in? I want to have alook.

MANNY (O.C.)No, mama. I must do this on myown.

GLORIACome on, chiquito.

The door opens. Manny peaks his head out, all the whileGloria trying to look inside.

MANNYDid Picasso's mother come into hisstudio to see what he was doing?

GLORIAI don't know.

MANNYDid F. Scott Fitzgerald's motherask to see a first draft of TheGreat Gatsby?


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11.

GLORIAMaybe.

MANNYNo. This is a journey I must takeby myself. A journey of self

discovery, one you cannot embarkupon with me.

GLORIAOkay, Manny. I won't look.

MANNYThank you for respecting my spaceas an artist.

Manny closes the door.

GLORIA

Remember, we're going over to yourauntie's house today for dinner.It's Haley's birthday.

MANNY (O.C.)I know.

Gloria stands there for a moment

GLORIADo you want some milk?

The door opens and Manny's head pops out.

MANNYChocolate, please.

GLORIAOkay.

He shuts the door.

EXT. USED CAR LOT - DAY

The family parks in a spot outside the sales office.

INT. SALES OFFICE - SAME

Phil walks in with the rest of the family.

PHILOkay, guys. Now, car salesmen arenotorious for being realscoundrels. We need to gain theadvantage. Let me do the talking.

Out walks LARS, a pale, spiffy, ambitious young salesman


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12.

ready to make his mark on the used automotive world.

LARSHey there.

PHIL

(stoic)Hello.

LARSMy name is Lars Flannigan.

PHILPhil. This is my family.

LARSNice to meet you, Phil. Andfamily.

(beat)

Hold on a second. You lookfamiliar.

Phil becomes curious.

LARS (CONT'D)I know you from somewhere.

(beat)I know. You were in thatproduction of Lassie at thePlayhouse.

PHILUh, yes I was!

LARSGreat performance.

PHILThank you. You liked it?

LARSOf course.

PHIL TALKING HEAD

PHILI played the Vet

(beat)and a waterfall. Not many peopleknew that.


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13.

INT. SALES OFFICE - AS BEFORE

Phil is hugging Lars. Then, finally, he releases him.

LARSWell, let's take a look then.

Buying a car is a big day. Bigday. It's like picking out a puppyor your future wife from a Russiancatalog.

INT. PRITCHETT HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jay and Gloria are in the kitchen. Jay is eating some foodwhile Gloria watches a telenovela. She is enthralled in theshow. We hear a bang from the other room.

JAYWhat is he doing in there?

GLORIAHold on, Jay.

(stares back atthe screen)

Oh, my god. Nooooo...Federico! Iknew she should have never takenyou back, and here he is again,cheating on you with your sister.

Gloria turns back to Jay.

GLORIA (CONT'D)(disgusted)

Some men think they can takewhatever they want.

JAYI don't understand why you watchthose programs. They just get youworked up.

JAY AND GLORIA TALKING HEADS

GLORIA

I love my telenovelas. I don'tunderstand American television.Where is the passion? Where arethe scandals?

(beat)Ay, Americans just want to seepeople eating bugs and spinningwheels for money. No, thank you.The only thing we spin is thebarrel of a revolver before weshoot our no-good-cheatinghusbands in the back of the head.


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14.

INT. KITCHEN - AS BEFORE

GLORIAManny, come get some food?

MANNY

No time!

GLORIAMijo, you have to eat. You don'tthink Picasso ate.

(as an aside)Believe me, he ate plenty. Ay, didyou see his belly, all big andfat.

Manny comes walking in.

MANNY

I must starve in order to be astarving artist.

GLORIAThat's just an expression.

MANNYWell, then, I will just take oneof these 100 calorie snack packs.Nothing else.

Manny grabs a bag from the counter and walks away.

JAYI told you we should have signedhim up for baseball.

GLORIAWhy? So he can start to fight likethose other macho men and beat uphis wife and cheat on her with hersister. Is that what you want?

JAYNever mind.

EXT. SALES LOT - DAY

Lars shows the family a car.


16/37

15.

INT. CAR - SAME

Haley is sitting in the front seat. Phil is in the passengerseat.

LARS

This is a really safe car. Sideairbags, five star crash ratings.

PHILDid you hear that, Haley?

Haley doesn't seem impressed.

PHIL (CONT'D)Rollin' up in this bad boy, it'llbe sick. Maybe we can add somesweet grills or some neon lightson the back. You could be like one

of those Asian racers in the Fastand the Furious.

LARSAnd feel these seats. They're justas good as leather, plush and softfabricky.

PHILYes. I love it

(rubs faceagainst theseat)

Hey, Lars, that's a great shirt.Where did you get it?

LARSMacy's.

PHILAw, yes. Like the parade.

LUKEDad, I'm bored.

PHILBut we've just gotten started. Wehave so many more cars to lookthrough.

LUKEI don't want to. Can't I go dosomething else?


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16.

HALEYDad, what about this one?

Haley runs over to an SUV parked on the lot.

LUKE

Dad.

PHILYeah, yeah. Why don't you goexplore?

INT. SUV - LATER

HALEYI like this one.

CLAIREHoney, I don't think so. These

tend to flip when a person driveserratically.

HALEYAre you saying I driveerratically?

CLAIRENot exactly. Just not as straightas we'd like.

PHILIt's a little big.

LARSWell, we're having some greatsales on cars this month. There'sreally no better time to buy.

PHILYou're such a good guy, Lars. Ithink we could be best friends,you know that?

PHIL TALKING HEAD

PHILI wish I had a friend like Lars.Except I'm worried he may bealbino.


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17.

EXT. CAR LOT - SAME

Alex and Luke are standing there bored.

LUKEI'm bored, Alex.

ALEXLeave me alone.

LUKECome on, Alex. Let's play a game.

ALEXHow about the go away game?

LUKEThat game sucks. You never want todo anything. Don't you love me?

ALEXYou know that line only works whenmom uses it.

LUKECome on, Alex.

ALEXFine. How about hide and seek?

LUKEOkay.

ALEXYou hide first.

LUKEYou promise you'll come find me,right?

ALEXLuke, who do you think I am?

LUKE

That's what you said last time,and I spent the whole day in abush behind grandma's house.

(beat)It still itches.

ALEXI promise. Don't worry.

Luke runs off. Alex takes a seat in a nearby car and pullsout a book.


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18.

INT. CAM AND MITCH'S HOUSE - DAY

Cam walks into the living room. Mitch is sitting on thecouch.

CAM

She finally went to sleep.

MITCHAnd it only took

(checkingwatch)

Three hours.

The doorbell rings. Lily begins to cry again in the backroom. Cam screams at the door, a prolonged "Noooooooooooo!"He runs back into Lily's room, while Mitch opens the door.

EXT. CAM AND MITCH'S HOUSE - DAY

Jay is standing at the door.

INT. CAM AND MITCH'S HOUSE - DAY

Mitch opens the door.

MITCH(sarcastically)

Thank you, Dad.

JAYYou haven't even seen what it is.

Jay presents a few rolls of wrapping paper.

JAY (CONT'D)Here. Take it. Manny's beenworking on this art project. Wehad like five extra rolls.

MITCHUm, okay.

(beat)You know, why does everyone think

that just because we're gay wemust like...oh, my god, is thisembossed? Wow, I can do so muchwith this.

Cam comes walking in with Lily who is crying.

CAMShe's at it again.


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19.

JAYWhat's the matter?

MITCHShe's teething.

JAYWhere's her pacifier?

CAMShe won't take it.

JAYSure she will. Give her to me.

Jay takes Lily who is still crying.

JAY (CONT'D)Where is it?

MITCHKitchen.

Jay walks away with Lily.

CAMIs this safe?

We hear the screaming in the kitchen for a few moments.Then, suddenly it subsides. Mitch and Cam give each othersurprised looks.

Jay comes walking back into the room with Lily, who issucking on her pacifier.

CAMThat was amazing. You're like MaryPoppins.

JAYNo.

CAM AND MITCH TALKING HEADS

MITCHTurns out my father has more of amaternal instinct than I do.

CAMIt seems that Mitch isn't the onlyman in his family who has hiddentalents.


21/37

20.

JAY (O.C.)Ah, gross. I didn't want to hearthat.


22/37

21.

ACT TWO

INT. CAR - DAY

Haley is sitting in the front seat of a car.

HALEYDad, I really like this one.

LARSThis is is a really popular model.Picture this.

(hands in theair in front ofrear view)

Dice.

PHILI don't know about this one.

HALEYWhy not?

(beat)Can I test drive it?

PHILUh, no.

HALEYWhy not?

PHILBecause we don't want to wreck itbefore we buy it, because thatwould just be backwards.

HALEYHow can you say that? Why even buyme a car if you just think I'mgoing to wreck it right away.

PHILWell...

HALEYI take that back. I didn't meanit. Anyway, you already promised.

PHILDon't worry, Hale. We're gettingyou a car.

(beat)Just not this one.


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22.

LARSDon't worry. We've got lots ofmodels. We'll find something foryou. Remember, it's like yourwand. It must choose you.

PHILAhaha. A Harry Potter fan. I lovethis guy. You're like the bestfriend I always wanted.

(unenthusiastically)

But now I have Claire. Yay.

EXT. CAR LOT - SAME

Luke finds a car with a hatchback. He climbs into the trunkand lies down to hide.

INT. PRITCHETT HOUSE - DAY

Gloria comes walking into the house carrying bags ofsupplies from the crafts store.

GLORIAOkay, Manny. I've come with moresupplies. All I have to say isthat you better be creating thenext Mona Lisa in there.

Manny walks out of the room shutting the door behind him. Heis covered in paint and generally just a mess.

GLORIAAy, Manny. What did you do toyourself?

MANNYIt's part of the process.Experimentation. Every greatartist must go through it.

GLORIA

Okay, but I don't want to findFrankenstino in there.

MANNYI really need to speed through myblue period. Did you get the gluegun?


24/37

23.

GLORIAYes. It's in here.

(handing bag)Oy, I'm so proud of my littleartista. Someday, you'll havepeople lined up around the block

for your stuff.

MANNYJust like papa.

GLORIANo, not like papa. The people whobuy your work will hopefully notbe carrying machetes.

Manny gives a confused look and reenters the room.

GLORIA TALKING HEAD

GLORIAManny has always looked up to hisfather. He's always wanted to bejust like him.

(turningserious)

Sometimes, I have nightmares.

INT. PRITCHETT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jay enters the room. Gloria turns off the television.

JAYWhat were you watching?

GLORIANothing.

JAYYou were watching that telenovelaagain, weren't you?

GLORIAMaybe.

JAYI don't like what those shows doto you.

Gloria stands up and walks over to Jay.

GLORIATell me. What do they do to me?


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24.

JAYThey make you all fiery.

GLORIAI am Colombian. That is how weare.

JAYDo all Colombians make threats totheir husbands about cheating withtheir sisters? You don't even havea sister.

GLORIAYes, all Colombians do. Threatsare like common gestures inColombia. It's like saying hellofor you, except really saying, ifyou mess with me, I'll cut off

both your pinky toes so you can'tstand up straight.

Jay is a little unsettled.

JAYHe still at it?

GLORIAYes, our little artist.

JAYYeah, I really hope he's makingart in there.

JAY TALKING HEAD

JAYI don't want to end up like thefather of the mail bomber.

(beat)He's not making a bomb.

(not completelysure)

Right?

We hear a thud in the background. Jay rushes out of hisseat.


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25.

INT. WORKROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Jay and Gloria open the door. Manny is trying to touch alight bulb. We don't see the artwork, but we see Jay andGloria's faces.

JAYGet your hand away from the lightbulb, Manny.

Manny retreats. Gloria takes a look at Manny's creation.

GLORIAAy, mijito. It's wonderful.

JAYManny, that's really actuallypretty incredible.

MANNYWho knew I had such raw artistictalent?

JAYThose finger paintings you did,I'd begun to think you were slowerthan other kids.

MANNYThank you for emotionallycrippling my self esteem onceagain, Jay.

JAYNo, come on, it's great.

(beat)Just one question. What is it?

MANNYIt's Haley's birthday present.

GLORIAOh, that is so sweet.

MANNYI have been finding a way toexpress my feelings for her andwhat better way than through myown sweat and several boxes ofcrayola markers.

JAYNot this again. She's your cousin.I can't look at this anymore.

Jay exits.


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26.

GLORIAI think it's beautiful, mi amor.

JAY TALKING HEAD

JAY

Why couldn't it have been a bomb?

INT. SALES OFFICE - DAY

Phil and Haley are sitting in Lars's office. Claire comesin.

CLAIREHey, Phil, I need to get back tofinish up dinner. You drive thenew car back with Haley.

PHIL

Uh, okay.

CLAIREAre you gonna be okay?

PHILYeah.

CLAIREPhil.

PHILClaire, I'll be fine. I'm withLars, the greatest guy in theworld.

CLAIREOkay.

Claire begins to leave and Alex comes up.

ALEXThank god. I'm going with you.

CLAIRE

Great, you can chop lettuce.

ALEXFantastic, because I was about tostep out in front of oncomingtraffic.

CLAIREStop being dramatic.


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27.

ALEX(referring toHaley)

Seems to get her whatever shewants.

Haley gives a snooty smile to Alex. Claire and Alex leave,but we hear Claire from the outside.

CLAIRE (O.C.)Don't let her drive.

Haley's face goes sad.

PHILAll right, Lars, buddy. Let's dothis.

Phil accidentally knocks over a pencil cup, and then fumbles

to try to recover.

PHIL (CONT'D)Who put that there?

LARSThat's fine.

PHILLeave them their for somebodyelse.

INT. CAM AND MITCH'S HOUSE

Mitch is gathering things together to leave.

MITCHCam, are you ready?

Cam comes into the room holding two bottles of wine. Cam iswearing a traditional Vietnamese top.

CAMWhich should we bring, theCabarnet or the Pinot Noir?

MITCHOh, god, what are you wearing?

CAMIt's called an ao dai. It's atraditional Vietnamese wardrobepiece. I'm doing it for Lily.


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MITCHJust like wearing that Mexicansombrero on dia de los muertos wasfor Lily.

CAM

She loved that too.

MITCHGreat, so now Lily's not just thebaby with the gay parents, butalso the one with theinappropriately racist ones incostumes.

CAMIt's not racist.

CAM AND MITCH TALKING HEADS

CAMMitch thinks that whenever we tryto celebrate other heritages, itmust be offensive.

MITCHAnd Cam thinks that just becausehe's big, that people must thinkwhatever he does is lovable andendearing.

CAMHey, it worked for Santa. AndChris Farley.

MITCHAnd that's the strongest point ofhis argument.

INT. SALES OFFICE - LATER

Lars and Phil are shaking hands. Lars hands Phil a set ofkeys.

LARSCongratulations, Mr. Dunphy.Welcome to your new home onwheels. Except there's no bathroomor running water of any kind andyou can't control the exhaust thatsometimes comes through the airvent.


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29.

PHIL(thinking for amoment)

Well, thank you, Lars. You aresuch a great guy.

LARSIt's been great meeting you. Letme know the next time you decideto play a tree or a river. I'll befront row.

PHILThe first invite will be yours. Weshould ride horses togethersometime.

LARSWhat? Sure.

PHILWhat? Nothing. Sure?

LARSAll right. Well, we'll see yousoon then.

INT. CAR - LATER

Phil and Haley are driving home.

HALEYCan I drive now?

PHILNot yet. I want to make sureeverything's working all right.

HALEYEverything's fine.

PHILOh, no! The left fender is dentednow!

HALEYWhat? What do you mean?

PHILThat's what I would be saying ifyou had been driving.


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30.

HALEYVery funny, Dad. You didn't evenget me a new car, so I don't knowwhy you're so worried.

PHIL

Hey, it's new to you. Just like myfirst set of braces.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LATER

Gloria, Jay, and Manny enter the house.

GLORIAHello? We're here.

Claire pops her head out.

CLAIRE

Hey, guys. Come on in.

GLORIAWe brought some presents forHaley. And Manny has a special onefor her.

CLAIREOh, thank you, Manny.

MANNYI need to set it up in the back.Can I borrow a step ladder?

CLAIRESure. There's one in the pantry.

Cam and Mitch come into the room. We can hear Lily nowcrying again. Cam walks in first. He is still wearing hisVietnamese garb.

JAYUh, oh. The occupation has begun.The families are being forcefullyremoved.

CAMVery funny, Jay.

JAYWhat happened? What did you do toher?


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31.

MITCHNothing, Dad. She just startedagain.

JAYGive her to me.

Cam hands him Lily. He takes her into the kitchen.

MITCHSo I heard you guys were buyingHaley a new car.

CLAIREYeah, they're driving back nowfrom the dealership.

MITCHThank god.

CLAIREWhat?

MITCHNo, I'm just thanking god thatwe're not on the road right now.

CLAIREYou think it was a bad idea.

MITCHNo, I'm just joking. Do youremember what a terrible driveryou were?

CLAIREI was such a safe driver.

MITCHYeah, when was that, before orafter you hit that mailman.

INT. KITCHEN - SAME

Cam comes in. Jay is dipping Lily's pacifier into somewhiskey.

CAMWhat are you doing, Jay?

JAYJust an old trick I used to use onMitchell.


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32.

CAMYou're using alcohol? Are youtrying to make my daughterdependent. That's just terrible. Imean truly awful, just...

Meanwhile, Jay slips the pacifier into screaming Lily'smouth, and she subsides immediately.

CAM (CONT'D)Diabolically genius.

JAYYeah, I know.

INT. FOYER - SAME

Phil and Haley come through the door.

HALEYDad, can I please at least havethe keys now?

PHILAll right, Haley. But remember toguard this car with your life.

HALEYAll right.

PHIL(handing keys)

Happy Birthday.

HALEYYay.

PHILYay, please don't kill anyone.

Manny enters the room.

MANNYEveryone. Excuse me.

Everyone turns.

MANNY (CONT'D)I have a present for Haley'sbirthday that I'd like to showeveryone. Follow me.

Everyone follows Manny out to the backyard, where hanging ishis beautiful, hand crafted, colorful, paper machesculpture. It is some abstract spectacle that resembles somesort of celestial body. It is a thing of beauty.


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We see their faces. Everyone is impressed.

CLAIREWow, that's beautiful, Manny.

MANNY

Yeah, so who wants to hit first?

GLORIAWhat do you mean, Mijo?

MANNYIt's a birthday pinata.

JAYA pinata?

MANNYYes. I thought it would be fun.

GLORIABut it's so beautiful, how can wehit it?

Manny grabs a bat of sorts.

MANNYEasy. Like this.

He takes a whack, denting it.

MANNY (CONT'D)Haley, you can go next.

From inside, we can see the family beginning to lighten upand hit the pinata.

CLAIRE TALKING HEAD

CLAIRESometimes, people can be scared ofletting go. It's hard giving upthings you're so familiar with.

Cam and Mitch holding Lily.

CLAIRE (V.O.)It can be almost painful.

Haley and Phil are whacking the pinata.


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CLAIRE (V.O.)But sometimes you just have tosmash it apart and hope that whatcomes out is just as good.

The rest of the family takes turns swinging. Candy falls out

of the pinata and everyone starts to grab.

CLAIRE (V.O.)You can't be afraid to startsomething new, even if it meansleaving behind something youthought was great.

CLAIRE TALKING HEAD.

CLAIREBut it's easy when you know youhave people to lean on, as long as

you remember there's always gonnabe someone there for you.

Phil pokes his head in.

PHILOh, my god, Claire. Did you knowif you eat Skittles and M&Mstogether, it tastes like a tootsieroll. Amazing. Where's Luke? Iwant him to try it.

Claire gives an "oh, shit" look on her face.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Luke wakes up, rubbing his eyes in the backseat of the car,looking around.

LUKEAlex?

(beat)I hate this game.


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TAG

EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY

Haley screams.

HALEYOh my god!

Phil comes rushing out. On the ground is Lars and Haleystands there with the car engine still on.

PHILNoooooo.

He rushes over to Lars, knocking Clair over into a bushalong the way.

PHIL (CONT'D)

What did you do?

Lars lies on the ground.

PHILLars, you're gonna be okay, buddy.

LARS(dramatically)

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

PHILDon't say that.

LARSIt's okay.

PHILGod, why did we ever let herdrive?

HALEYI knew it.

Lars gets up like nothing was wrong.

LARSI'm sorry. They put me up to it.

PHILI've never felt so betrayed.

Claire gets out of the bush and brushes herself off.


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CLAIREPhil, you pushed me into a bush.

PHILWell, at least Lars is okay.

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