modern.family.s04e18.hdtv.x264 lol eng

7/28/2019 Modern.family.S04E18.HDTV.x264 LOL Eng

1/44

100:00:02,516 --> 00:00:05,038So we're gonna change that one.

200:00:05,039 --> 00:00:06,454I'm back.

300:00:07,396 --> 00:00:09,908Okay, let me see,let me see, let me see!

400:00:10,579 --> 00:00:12,047You guys are want to, um...

500:00:12,760 --> 00:00:13,832Oh, my God!

600:00:13,833 --> 00:00:16,921I love it!

700:00:17,148 --> 00:00:18,140All clear.

800:00:19,034 --> 00:00:20,138Okay, so--

900:00:21,115 --> 00:00:23,188So good! It is so good!

1000:00:24,182 --> 00:00:25,032For the last few months,

1100:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,167Cam and I have been redoinga house together

1200:00:27,168 --> 00:00:27,998that we're gonna flip,

1300:00:27,999 --> 00:00:30,035and I have to say,it has been goin' great!

1400:00:30,036 --> 00:00:31,825We make an amazing team.

15


2/44

00:00:31,826 --> 00:00:34,353- Yeah. The key is trust.- Absolutely.

1600:00:34,354 --> 00:00:37,626The key is, I let Clairethink she's in charge.

1700:00:37,627 --> 00:00:40,520I hide what I want in somethingbigger and more expensive.

1800:00:40,521 --> 00:00:42,270Then when she rejects that,

1900:00:42,271 --> 00:00:45,527we "compromise"on what I wanted all along.

20

00:00:45,663 --> 00:00:47,562I call my method "the Trojan horse."

2100:00:47,563 --> 00:00:50,142You know how I got Lily?I asked Mitchell for triplets.

2200:00:50,510 --> 00:00:51,301- Okay.- Uh-huh?

2300:00:51,302 --> 00:00:52,822You are going to love

2400:00:52,823 --> 00:00:54,694what I foundfor the kitchen countertops.

2500:00:56,407 --> 00:00:57,923It's from Carrarra, Italy.

2600:00:58,005 --> 00:01:01,110It's where Michelangelogot the marble to make the "David."

2700:01:01,251 --> 00:01:04,547Oh. Now we know why the "David"couldn't afford any clothes.


3/44

2800:01:04,548 --> 00:01:05,990Okay, well, uh...

2900:01:06,409 --> 00:01:08,464I also found this one.

3000:01:08,703 --> 00:01:11,320It's not as nice,but it's less expensive.

3100:01:11,637 --> 00:01:13,452Well, it's still over budget, but...

3200:01:14,281 --> 00:01:15,481I guess it's okay.

3300:01:16,255 --> 00:01:16,982- Mm.

- Yeah.

3400:01:16,983 --> 00:01:18,767By the way, we couldn't getthe powder room fixtures you wanted.

3500:01:18,768 --> 00:01:19,561What? Why?

3600:01:19,562 --> 00:01:23,769

Well, they're 23%,or $982, over the budget.

3700:01:23,770 --> 00:01:28,045Keeping in mind, that spaceis only 12% of 1,462 square feet.

3800:01:28,046 --> 00:01:29,761Whenever I need to reinin Cam's spending,

3900:01:29,762 --> 00:01:33,736I employ something that I liketo call "the number dump."

4000:01:33,737 --> 00:01:37,359So... unless you wanna cut 16%,

41


4/44

00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:41,022or $1,764 from somewherein the flooring budget,

4200:01:41,023 --> 00:01:42,791we've gotta find another 4% overall.

4300:01:42,792 --> 00:01:44,966Yeah. No, as long as they're pretty,it's fine. It's fine.

4400:01:44,967 --> 00:01:47,822Yesterday, I accidentallysaid "eleventy-five."

4500:01:56,721 --> 00:02:00,221

4600:02:01,378 --> 00:02:03,807

So everybody knows how hardI worked on that project.

4700:02:03,808 --> 00:02:04,787I mean--

4800:02:08,527 --> 00:02:09,629Hey, wait. What are you doing?

4900:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,076

Trying to put the sugarback in the thing.

5000:02:11,077 --> 00:02:12,445Well, just go get the broom.

5100:02:12,446 --> 00:02:13,781I'll eat it for a dollar.

5200:02:13,890 --> 00:02:15,699

What did I say abouteating things for money?

5300:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,685Charge the most.Then people will think you're worth it.

5400:02:17,686 --> 00:02:19,319


5/44

That's right.That's at least $5.

5500:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,550- Hey, he said a dollar.- Broom.

5600:02:21,821 --> 00:02:23,617Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf,

5700:02:23,618 --> 00:02:25,089and the closet light's burnt out.

5800:02:25,090 --> 00:02:26,911- So just change it.- I can't reach it.

5900:02:26,912 --> 00:02:29,224Oh, if only there was

some magical way

6000:02:29,225 --> 00:02:31,423of getting up closer to the ceiling.

6100:02:31,424 --> 00:02:33,231Okay, now you justsound like Dylan.

6200:02:33,232 --> 00:02:35,133

- I'm saying get a step stool.- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

6300:02:35,134 --> 00:02:36,947One thing at a time, okay?

6400:02:36,948 --> 00:02:38,340What is happening?

6500:02:38,528 --> 00:02:39,600

I'm sweeping.

6600:02:39,601 --> 00:02:40,427No, you're not sweeping.

6700:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,030You're just spreading it all around.


6/44

6800:02:42,031 --> 00:02:44,276It's gonna cost more ifyou want me to eat it now.

6900:02:45,102 --> 00:02:46,136That's when it hit me--

7000:02:46,137 --> 00:02:48,825my daughters know nothingabout home care and maintenance.

7100:02:48,826 --> 00:02:50,573I don't want 'em to be dependent.

7200:02:50,574 --> 00:02:52,258It's up to me to show themwhat a modern,

73

00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,372self-sufficient woman looks like.

7400:02:59,160 --> 00:02:59,857Careful. Keep that up,

7500:02:59,858 --> 00:03:02,271he'll have to hit "numero dos"when he calls the DMV.

76

00:03:02,272 --> 00:03:04,162By the time he's old enough to call,

7700:03:04,163 --> 00:03:06,030it will be "numero uno."

7800:03:06,853 --> 00:03:07,872Ay, there he is.

7900:03:07,873 --> 00:03:10,347

Manny, why did youhave breakfast alone outside?

8000:03:10,348 --> 00:03:12,162I felt like eatingbreakfast alfresco.

8100:03:12,163 --> 00:03:13,504


7/44

Does that meanhe had his pants off?

8200:03:13,505 --> 00:03:15,143Because if I can't, he can't.

8300:03:15,144 --> 00:03:19,033Jay, he's been eating outsideon his own all week.

8400:03:19,034 --> 00:03:20,730Do you think that he feels left out

8500:03:20,731 --> 00:03:22,819because of allthe attention I give Joe?

8600:03:22,820 --> 00:03:24,105You know, I've been

wondering the same thing.

8700:03:24,106 --> 00:03:26,476Tell you what-- why don'tI have some father-son time

8800:03:26,477 --> 00:03:27,779with Joe this afternoon

8900:03:27,780 --> 00:03:29,613

and give you some time with Manny?

9000:03:30,016 --> 00:03:31,346Ay, that's so sweet.

9100:03:31,347 --> 00:03:33,173You can take Joe to his baby class.

9200:03:33,174 --> 00:03:35,057Gloria, I think he already

knows how to be a baby.

9300:03:35,058 --> 00:03:37,441I love you,but I can't laugh at that again.

9400:03:37,944 --> 00:03:41,213Manny, how about


8/44

I pick you up after school,

9500:03:41,214 --> 00:03:43,023and we both have a special day?

9600:03:43,024 --> 00:03:44,251Well, I did talk to Jay

9700:03:44,252 --> 00:03:46,052about getting some ticketsfor this reading.

9800:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,064What reading?

9900:03:47,065 --> 00:03:48,026Seriously?

100

00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:49,516The stage reading of "Moby Dick"?

10100:03:49,517 --> 00:03:50,862I told you about it last night.

10200:03:50,863 --> 00:03:53,338I have zero recollection of this.

10300:03:53,339 --> 00:03:55,310

I knew I shouldn't havepoured you that second scotch.

10400:03:55,311 --> 00:03:56,693Sorry, buddy,but I already committed

10500:03:56,694 --> 00:03:57,663to spending the afternoon with Joe

106

00:03:57,664 --> 00:03:59,509so you and your momcould have more time together.

10700:03:59,510 --> 00:04:00,774Hey, maybe she can take you.

10800:04:00,775 --> 00:04:02,450


9/44

- Can we, mom?- Of course, mi amor.

10900:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,626It's your special day.We'll do whatever you want.

11000:04:04,627 --> 00:04:07,730Great. This is gonna befour hours you'll never forget.

11100:04:08,121 --> 00:04:10,770Hey, buddy.Looks like it's just the dos of us.

11200:04:12,392 --> 00:04:15,128Why do I feel thatyou did something shifty?

113

00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:15,946I have no idea.

11400:04:15,947 --> 00:04:17,827But I gotta say,it's not your best quality.

11500:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,038All right, sweetie,you have a good day.

11600:04:21,652 --> 00:04:23,526Watch me play handball, daddy.

11700:04:23,527 --> 00:04:24,455Oh, okay.

11800:04:24,456 --> 00:04:25,667Next!

119

00:04:25,668 --> 00:04:28,089That's Milo. He beats everybody.

12000:04:29,281 --> 00:04:30,978Next loser!

12100:04:31,643 --> 00:04:33,932- He's mean.


10/44

- Yeah, I'm gettin' that.

12200:04:35,931 --> 00:04:37,830Next!

12300:04:38,467 --> 00:04:39,902Another girl?

12400:04:39,903 --> 00:04:41,457Hey, sweetie? Sweetie?

12500:04:41,458 --> 00:04:43,185You're gonna do great, okay?

12600:04:43,235 --> 00:04:44,852If you say so.

12700:04:45,209 --> 00:04:46,114

Next!

12800:04:46,115 --> 00:04:47,704Uh, Milo?That-- that was my fault.

12900:04:47,705 --> 00:04:48,802I distracted her,

13000:04:48,803 --> 00:04:49,872

so maybe she could just go again?

13100:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,982No do-overs. Next!

13200:04:52,118 --> 00:04:54,703Well, I'm next, and I would liketo give her my turn.

13300:04:54,704 --> 00:04:56,866

No switcheroos.Are you playing or not?

13400:04:56,867 --> 00:04:59,900- No.- Chicken. Next.

13500:04:59,908 --> 00:05:02,165


11/44

I hate bullies.I've hated them my whole life.

13600:05:02,166 --> 00:05:04,315I hated them when theywere named Scott Dworkin

13700:05:04,316 --> 00:05:07,236or Greg Pechenkoor Katie Greenwald.

13800:05:08,860 --> 00:05:10,827Okay, you know what?I'm gonna play.

13900:05:10,868 --> 00:05:12,556But, daddy, he's really good.

14000:05:12,557 --> 00:05:13,544

Well, I'm really good, too.

14100:05:13,545 --> 00:05:15,362- But it's a sport.- I got this.

14200:05:15,363 --> 00:05:16,580You done talking?

14300:05:16,741 --> 00:05:18,275

You know, it's really appropriatethat we're at a school,

14400:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,235because I'm aboutto teach you a lesson.

14500:05:23,969 --> 00:05:25,281Next!

146

00:05:25,313 --> 00:05:27,009All right.Sorry, sweetheart.

14700:05:27,125 --> 00:05:28,491Here, I'll walk you to class.

14800:05:28,701 --> 00:05:30,242


12/44

No, thank you, mister.

14900:05:30,243 --> 00:05:31,291But...

15000:05:36,745 --> 00:05:37,777Whatcha doin'?

15100:05:39,116 --> 00:05:40,596I think I have an idea.

15200:05:45,628 --> 00:05:48,908Okay. Every house needsa "wow" factor, right?

15300:05:49,146 --> 00:05:51,619- Mm... - What is the onething this backyard is missing?

15400:05:51,620 --> 00:05:53,725- A qualified buyer?- Now don't be silly.

15500:05:53,726 --> 00:05:56,916No. A water featurewith a fire element.

15600:05:56,917 --> 00:05:58,132Oh, God, no.

15700:05:58,133 --> 00:05:59,960No, no, please.Now just imagine--

15800:05:59,961 --> 00:06:01,694this entire back wall

15900:06:01,695 --> 00:06:05,264cascading into a reservoir

that erupts into flames

16000:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,371on the quarter hour.How does that sound?

16100:06:07,372 --> 00:06:09,193Like we need a white tiger.


13/44

16200:06:09,194 --> 00:06:10,408Maybe I'm being a little ambitious.

16300:06:10,409 --> 00:06:12,456So let's just do a coupledancing water fountains,

16400:06:12,457 --> 00:06:14,468- call it a day.- No, wait. Cam, Cam, Cam.

16500:06:14,469 --> 00:06:15,960That's gonna still put us, like,

16600:06:15,961 --> 00:06:17,555$3,500 over our landscape budget.

167

00:06:17,556 --> 00:06:19,158Right now, we're40-12 percent higher

16800:06:19,159 --> 00:06:20,199than I thought we'd be at this point

16900:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,133because Smitty addedthat 8% surcharge.

17000:06:22,134 --> 00:06:24,230I'm sorry--Did you just say 40-12 percent?

17100:06:24,334 --> 00:06:25,021Mm, no, I didn't.

17200:06:25,022 --> 00:06:26,567Yes, you did.You do this all the time.

17300:06:26,568 --> 00:06:29,495You just throw numbers at meto frighten and confuse me.

17400:06:29,771 --> 00:06:31,598And here I thought we wereworking so well together,


14/44

17500:06:31,599 --> 00:06:33,139and you're just being manipulative.

17600:06:33,140 --> 00:06:34,254What about you, Cam?

17700:06:34,255 --> 00:06:36,159Pitching these crazy,over-the-top ideas

17800:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,213just so you can slip inwhat you really want.

17900:06:38,214 --> 00:06:41,477Oh, how dare you accuse meof Trojan horsing you.

18000:06:41,478 --> 00:06:42,970You have a name for it?

18100:06:42,971 --> 00:06:44,044No, I mean--

18200:06:44,203 --> 00:06:45,642You know what?I will not stand here

18300:06:45,643 --> 00:06:47,471and be accused by the likes of you.

18400:06:47,472 --> 00:06:48,788And if there was a door here, missy,

18500:06:48,789 --> 00:06:50,245I would slam it your face.

186

00:06:50,246 --> 00:06:53,473Oh-ho! I thought we weren'tflaming till the quarter hour!

18700:06:59,846 --> 00:07:01,851Gloria and Mannyleft me alone with Joe,

188


15/44

00:07:01,852 --> 00:07:04,516and it was great...for about 20 minutes.

18900:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,820Then the little buggerturned on me.

19000:07:06,821 --> 00:07:08,669I tried everythingto calm him down--

19100:07:08,670 --> 00:07:10,412Bouncing. Bottle.

19200:07:10,413 --> 00:07:12,269Brightly colored objects.

19300:07:12,616 --> 00:07:13,847

Bigger bottle.

19400:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,161So I did the old"put him in the car" trick.

19500:07:16,162 --> 00:07:17,464But I could stillhear him out there.

196

00:07:17,465 --> 00:07:18,544I'm just kidding.

19700:07:18,545 --> 00:07:20,216I drove him to his little class,

19800:07:20,217 --> 00:07:22,430but he dozed offright before we got there.

199

00:07:22,584 --> 00:07:25,024Or he took a page fromthe Jay Pritchett playbook--

20000:07:25,025 --> 00:07:28,970saw the crap he was in forand pretended to be asleep.

201


16/44

00:07:29,633 --> 00:07:30,897Mr. Pritchett?

20200:07:31,082 --> 00:07:32,603- Yeah.- Rachel Lissy.

20300:07:32,604 --> 00:07:34,327Claire's friend fromHigh School, remember?

20400:07:34,328 --> 00:07:35,200How could I forget?

20500:07:35,201 --> 00:07:37,684You knocked downmy mailbox with your K-car.

20600:07:37,685 --> 00:07:39,442

Again, I apologize.

20700:07:39,443 --> 00:07:40,963- How you doin'?- Couldn't be better.

20800:07:40,964 --> 00:07:42,879I've been married for 15 years,

20900:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,416

two great boys over there.

21000:07:44,526 --> 00:07:47,492Cooper! Unhand your brother!

21100:07:49,416 --> 00:07:51,495I'm taking themto the James Bond movie,

21200:07:51,496 --> 00:07:54,288

and they don't want meto sit with them.

21300:07:55,372 --> 00:07:56,359I miss babies.

21400:07:56,360 --> 00:07:57,560Oh, they're a lot of fun, huh?


17/44

21500:07:57,561 --> 00:07:59,952- So nice to see you.- Nice seeing you.

21600:08:00,549 --> 00:08:01,740Great kids.

21700:08:04,110 --> 00:08:05,292Ugh! No, you're not!

21800:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,965Joe, I found a better wayfor us to bond...

21900:08:10,784 --> 00:08:12,138James Bond.

220

00:08:13,846 --> 00:08:15,607My dad taught me everythingthere is to know

22100:08:15,608 --> 00:08:16,981about maintaining a home,

22200:08:16,982 --> 00:08:19,453and today,that tradition continues.

22300:08:19,454 --> 00:08:21,982Voila! Light bulb changed.

22400:08:22,108 --> 00:08:25,262Hey, I have an idea.

22500:08:25,567 --> 00:08:27,288Let's get to know the house, huh?

226

00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,253Hey, I have an idea--

22700:08:28,254 --> 00:08:29,653let's lock him in.

22800:08:30,298 --> 00:08:32,888Okay. Let's go over


18/44

this baby right here.

22900:08:32,889 --> 00:08:34,208What are we lookin' at, huh?

23000:08:34,366 --> 00:08:35,943Photosynthesis?

23100:08:38,764 --> 00:08:40,437In a sense, yeah.

23200:08:40,438 --> 00:08:41,518- Yeah?- Yeah, yeah.

23300:08:41,538 --> 00:08:44,337Uh, photosynthesisconverts carbon dioxide

23400:08:44,338 --> 00:08:45,622into food for plants,

23500:08:45,623 --> 00:08:49,564this water heater convertscold water into hot.

23600:08:49,565 --> 00:08:51,484What converts thisconversation into over?

23700:08:51,485 --> 00:08:52,947Girls, you needto learn these things.

23800:08:52,948 --> 00:08:55,268You might find yourselvesliving alone at some point.

23900:08:58,002 --> 00:08:59,081

I long for the day.

24000:08:59,082 --> 00:09:01,591Okay, we're just gonna start withsomething really basic, all right?

24100:09:01,592 --> 00:09:03,847I am turning the pilot light off.


19/44

24200:09:03,848 --> 00:09:05,407These things go out occasionally.

24300:09:05,408 --> 00:09:07,231- Why?- I don't know. No one knows.

24400:09:07,232 --> 00:09:08,611Let's just say gremlins do it.

24500:09:08,612 --> 00:09:11,065But if it happens to you,what do you do?

24600:09:11,066 --> 00:09:12,275- Call a guy.- Or a girl.

24700:09:12,276 --> 00:09:13,860Oh, my God,we're literally in a closet,

24800:09:13,861 --> 00:09:15,489- and you just said that.- Focus.

24900:09:15,540 --> 00:09:18,196You don't call anyone.

To re-light the pilot,

25000:09:18,238 --> 00:09:19,702turn the valve to "pilot,"

25100:09:19,713 --> 00:09:21,829you press it downto begin the flow of gas,

25200:09:21,830 --> 00:09:23,406

you wait a few seconds...

25300:09:24,278 --> 00:09:25,845Where you guys from originally?

25400:09:27,117 --> 00:09:29,186And you just press the igniter.


20/44

25500:09:29,187 --> 00:09:30,259There you go.

25600:09:30,786 --> 00:09:32,914That's odd.Why is it not working?

25700:09:32,915 --> 00:09:35,100Oh, I got it.Why don't we just fill it up

25800:09:35,101 --> 00:09:36,781with hot water from the tap?

25900:09:37,701 --> 00:09:39,324Found another light that's out.

26000:09:40,045 --> 00:09:42,933

Claire and I were at a stalemateon the water feature.

26100:09:42,934 --> 00:09:45,705So I brought inan experienced professional

26200:09:45,706 --> 00:09:47,154to help break the tie.

263

00:09:47,406 --> 00:09:49,411Pam also happens to be a friend

26400:09:49,412 --> 00:09:52,041and a fellow gay parentat Lily's school.

26500:09:52,042 --> 00:09:55,218Am I trying to stackthe deck against Claire here?

26600:09:55,386 --> 00:09:57,977No. I would never be so...

26700:09:59,007 --> 00:10:00,126genius.

26800:10:03,067 --> 00:10:03,816


21/44

Hi.

26900:10:03,817 --> 00:10:05,649Oh. Oh, Claire, this is Pam.

27000:10:05,650 --> 00:10:07,583- Pam, Claire.- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

27100:10:07,584 --> 00:10:10,043- You, too.- Pam is a licensed contractor.

27200:10:10,044 --> 00:10:11,495- Done a lot of houses.- Uh-huh?

27300:10:11,496 --> 00:10:13,350I thought it'd be nice

to bring in a third party

27400:10:13,351 --> 00:10:15,618that's objective, to helpsettle the fountain dispute.

27500:10:15,619 --> 00:10:17,813Oh. Objective, right.

27600:10:17,814 --> 00:10:19,796

Well, my son doesgo to school with Lily,

27700:10:19,797 --> 00:10:21,789but believe me, that is notgonna sway my decision

27800:10:21,790 --> 00:10:24,084- any more than the factthat you are beautiful. - Hmm?

27900:10:24,747 --> 00:10:26,616Thank you. You are, too.

28000:10:26,617 --> 00:10:27,593Thank you.

28100:10:28,068 --> 00:10:29,205


22/44

Let me grab your cans.

28200:10:29,206 --> 00:10:30,534Your paint cans.

28300:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,018There you go.

28400:10:32,019 --> 00:10:33,211So...

28500:10:40,567 --> 00:10:41,886Hey, what's the matter, Joe?

28600:10:41,887 --> 00:10:44,976Hey, that's a boy.That's a boy.

287

00:10:45,822 --> 00:10:48,463Come here. There you go.

28800:10:48,634 --> 00:10:50,761Here you are. There you go.

28900:10:50,775 --> 00:10:51,961There you go.

29000:10:53,024 --> 00:10:54,722

You know, I'm happyto take him outside

29100:10:54,723 --> 00:10:56,639- until he stops crying.- Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to miss this.

29200:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,823It's fine. Once Daniel Craigput his shirt back on,

29300:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,014- I lost interest.- Are you sure?

29400:11:00,015 --> 00:11:01,623- Absolutely.- Okay.


23/44

29500:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,698Here-- just go ahead.Attaboy.

29600:11:04,053 --> 00:11:05,805Attaboy.Thank you very much.

29700:11:05,897 --> 00:11:07,100I'll be right outside.

29800:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,048- Okay.- Shh!

29900:11:08,596 --> 00:11:09,981You shush, Nathan!

300

00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,131Stupid thing!

30100:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,749Dad, we've beenstanding here forever.

30200:11:15,750 --> 00:11:16,991Can't we just call the guy?

303

00:11:16,992 --> 00:11:18,859No. There is no guy.I'm the guy.

30400:11:18,860 --> 00:11:20,585Here's what I need you to do.Run to the hardware store,

30500:11:20,586 --> 00:11:22,906get me a T6 torx screwdriver.

30600:11:22,907 --> 00:11:24,365- What?- Just ask the guy.

30700:11:24,366 --> 00:11:25,469I thought there was no guy.

308


24/44

00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:26,487There is one there!

30900:11:26,488 --> 00:11:27,695- Could be a girl.- Eh?

31000:11:27,696 --> 00:11:28,924Just go!

31100:11:29,868 --> 00:11:31,619I didn't need a torx screwdriver.

31200:11:31,620 --> 00:11:33,072I've always wanted one, though.

31300:11:33,785 --> 00:11:35,402But I needed themout of the house,

31400:11:35,403 --> 00:11:38,402so... I could... call... a guy.

31500:11:38,569 --> 00:11:40,970Dad, help me.

31600:11:41,174 --> 00:11:42,450Are we gonna do that thing again

31700:11:42,451 --> 00:11:45,187where you try on different outfitslike in "Pretty woman"?

31800:11:46,878 --> 00:11:48,342Hey.

31900:11:48,479 --> 00:11:50,743Saw you sinkin' someJ's back there, huh?

32000:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,944Box and one. Cover two.

32100:11:53,028 --> 00:11:55,036Sh-Shaq-a-hack? Am I right?

322


25/44

00:11:55,052 --> 00:11:55,977Not even close.

32300:11:55,978 --> 00:11:57,856- What's up?- Well, word has it

32400:11:57,857 --> 00:12:00,154that you were a pretty goodhandball player back in the day.

32500:12:00,155 --> 00:12:03,593Yeah. And Neil Armstrong wasa "pretty good" trumpet player.

32600:12:03,594 --> 00:12:05,040I see you spent a lotmore time on the court

327

00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:06,021than you did in the classroom,

32800:12:06,022 --> 00:12:07,786so clearly, I've cometo the right place.

32900:12:07,787 --> 00:12:09,669Look, I need you to teach meeverything you know.

33000:12:09,670 --> 00:12:10,839How come it's so important?

33100:12:10,840 --> 00:12:11,705Well, there's this kid,

33200:12:11,706 --> 00:12:14,245and he's been kind of bullyingLily and all her friends.

33300:12:14,246 --> 00:12:15,506And I tried to teach him.

33400:12:15,507 --> 00:12:17,677I tried to put him in his placeon the handball court,

335


26/44

00:12:17,678 --> 00:12:19,263and I lost.

33600:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,865And I-I could just seethe disappointment in Lily's eyes.

33700:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,881Like there's any emotionin those eyes.

33800:12:23,882 --> 00:12:25,241Are you gonna help me or not?

33900:12:25,905 --> 00:12:27,150- Okay.- Yes!

34000:12:27,151 --> 00:12:29,879

But I need you to give it 105%.

34100:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,643Ah, no.It's 110%, buddy.

34200:12:31,644 --> 00:12:32,996That's impossible.

34300:12:33,406 --> 00:12:35,594

Yes.I think the fountain's a little pricy.

34400:12:35,595 --> 00:12:37,666But you know what? It's gonnamore than make up for itself

34500:12:37,667 --> 00:12:38,608when a family comes in here

346

00:12:38,609 --> 00:12:41,760and falls head over heelsin love with this home.

34700:12:41,761 --> 00:12:42,959Okay, that's a valid point.

34800:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,891


27/44

It is a bit of an emptyspace out there.

34900:12:44,892 --> 00:12:45,532Thank you.

35000:12:45,533 --> 00:12:47,068Well, I mean,I see what you're saying.

35100:12:47,069 --> 00:12:49,262Sorry. It's hot in here, right?

35200:12:49,279 --> 00:12:51,770Oh, well, you know, that happensto women of a certain age,

35300:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,115like with my mom.

35400:12:53,864 --> 00:12:55,948Are you kidding?What are you, like, 35?

35500:12:55,949 --> 00:12:58,588What are you, like,an angel sent from heaven?

35600:12:59,252 --> 00:13:00,979

I see what you're saying.

35700:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,675I just feel that we might be pricingourselves out of the market.

35800:13:03,676 --> 00:13:05,683If a family wants to come in here,

35900:13:05,684 --> 00:13:08,132

and--and buildthemselves a fountain,

36000:13:08,133 --> 00:13:10,005they can do so themselves.

36100:13:10,311 --> 00:13:11,398That's true.


28/44

36200:13:11,794 --> 00:13:14,009Um, okay, well, you know, Pam,

36300:13:14,161 --> 00:13:17,399- um, there are lots of familieslike... ours... - Mm-hmm.

36400:13:17,400 --> 00:13:20,229Moving to this neighborhoodfor the schools.

36500:13:20,230 --> 00:13:23,763P.S., saw Connor's art project--gorgeous.

36600:13:23,874 --> 00:13:25,651Talent runs in the family.

36700:13:27,279 --> 00:13:30,725Anyway, I'm just sayingI think a family would respond

36800:13:30,726 --> 00:13:33,343to having a little dramain the backyard.

36900:13:33,344 --> 00:13:37,631I think Pam's made it pretty clear

what she likes. Am I right?

37000:13:38,038 --> 00:13:39,078Well...

37100:13:39,202 --> 00:13:40,700Oh, no.

37200:13:40,701 --> 00:13:43,302Now my shirt is all see-through.

37300:13:43,303 --> 00:13:44,411And so are you.

37400:13:44,412 --> 00:13:46,588Please tell me you arenot falling for this.


29/44

37500:13:46,978 --> 00:13:50,131I'm not, but I am enjoyingthis little show tremendously,

37600:13:50,132 --> 00:13:51,372so thank you.

37700:13:51,972 --> 00:13:55,147Yeah. As for my professionalopinion on the fountain,

37800:13:55,148 --> 00:13:56,133don't do it.

37900:13:56,134 --> 00:13:58,286I mean, if you weregonna live here yourself,

380

00:13:58,287 --> 00:14:01,420I'd say go for it.But it's too expensive for a flip.

38100:14:01,421 --> 00:14:03,136Yeah. Yeah. All right.

38200:14:03,137 --> 00:14:04,217Thank you.

383

00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:06,765- Cam?- Fine.

38400:14:06,819 --> 00:14:07,959Lesbians.

38500:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,837I can't believe I just wentgarter shopping with my son.

38600:14:12,838 --> 00:14:15,498When you find a better way to keepmy socks up, let me know.

38700:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,200Hey, as long as we're in the mall,

388


30/44

00:14:17,201 --> 00:14:19,343you wanna stop in the baby classto see Jay and Joe?

38900:14:19,344 --> 00:14:21,331No. They need this timeto make a connection.

39000:14:21,332 --> 00:14:22,697It's not like mother and son,

39100:14:22,698 --> 00:14:24,923that the bond is naturally strong.

39200:14:24,959 --> 00:14:26,952Hey, isn't that Joe over there?

39300:14:28,692 --> 00:14:30,747No, that's some weird baby.

39400:14:31,207 --> 00:14:33,065He's not perfectlike my little Joe.

39500:14:33,066 --> 00:14:34,610But he's got the same blanket.

39600:14:40,319 --> 00:14:42,224Gloria.

What are you doing here?

39700:14:42,878 --> 00:14:44,591You gave our baby to a stranger?!

39800:14:44,592 --> 00:14:46,525She's not a stranger.She's Claire's friend.

39900:14:46,526 --> 00:14:47,870

- Shh!- Shut up, Nathan!

40000:14:48,135 --> 00:14:49,152Gloria!

40100:14:55,936 --> 00:14:57,089The gas is on, dad.


31/44

40200:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,385I can see the sparkfrom the igniter.

40300:14:58,386 --> 00:14:59,350I don't know what it is.

40400:14:59,351 --> 00:15:01,149- That's your thermocouple.- Oh.

40500:15:01,254 --> 00:15:02,988You get a little sediment in there

40600:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,578or some rust,and you're done for.

40700:15:04,579 --> 00:15:06,061The thermocouple. Of course.

40800:15:06,062 --> 00:15:07,374Why didn't I think of that?

40900:15:07,375 --> 00:15:09,743Thanks, dad. I-I shouldn't bebuggin' you with this stuff.

41000:15:09,744 --> 00:15:11,488Are you kiddin' me?I love to help.

41100:15:11,632 --> 00:15:13,312Makes me feel likeyou still need me.

41200:15:13,313 --> 00:15:14,498Of course I need you.

41300:15:14,499 --> 00:15:16,089You're the bestwhen it comes to this.

41400:15:16,090 --> 00:15:17,368Anything else you need fixin'?


32/44

41500:15:17,369 --> 00:15:18,488Yeah, actually,

41600:15:18,489 --> 00:15:20,792I've been havin' a littletrouble with my thumb.

41700:15:21,468 --> 00:15:23,601Oh, the old thumb.That's simple.

41800:15:23,602 --> 00:15:26,745Just push it back in andmake that popping sound.

41900:15:28,102 --> 00:15:30,154- Oh, yeah, you're right.- There you go.

42000:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,930Hey, make sure you tell Clairehow pretty she looks tonight.

42100:15:34,931 --> 00:15:36,104A woman needs to hear that.

42200:15:36,105 --> 00:15:37,534You do the same with mom.

42300:15:37,535 --> 00:15:40,634No, your mom's a little tiredof hearing how pretty Claire is.

42400:15:41,100 --> 00:15:42,211Good one!

42500:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,170All right. Love you.

42600:15:44,171 --> 00:15:45,340Love you, too.

42700:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,312Dad, we're home.

42800:15:47,980 --> 00:15:48,773


33/44

Hey.

42900:15:48,774 --> 00:15:52,077That was the least funI have ever had shopping ever.

43000:15:52,078 --> 00:15:53,022Here.

43100:15:53,926 --> 00:15:57,143Honey, that's a torque wrench,not a torx screwdriver.

43200:15:57,144 --> 00:15:58,964Okay, you're just screaming now.

43300:15:58,965 --> 00:16:01,339Can't you just go get it?You're the best at this stuff.

43400:16:01,340 --> 00:16:03,389Yeah, plus the caris doing something funny,

43500:16:03,390 --> 00:16:04,444and there's a lighton the dashboard

43600:16:04,445 --> 00:16:06,117

that looks likea little genie lamp.

43700:16:06,355 --> 00:16:08,667My kids are helpless,but maybe that's okay.

43800:16:09,097 --> 00:16:10,891Because years from now whenthey have their own houses,

43900:16:10,892 --> 00:16:12,444they'll call me ontheir hologram phones

44000:16:12,445 --> 00:16:15,005and say, "help me, dad.You're my only hope."


34/44

44100:16:15,281 --> 00:16:17,577And I'll be the happiestfather in sector 7...

44200:16:17,889 --> 00:16:19,969Or sector 12,if we're doing really well.

44300:16:20,806 --> 00:16:22,399I don't know whyyour mom's so mad.

44400:16:22,623 --> 00:16:23,747Maybe it has something to do

44500:16:23,748 --> 00:16:26,020with giving your son awayto a complete stranger.

44600:16:26,021 --> 00:16:27,237You're next.

44700:16:27,351 --> 00:16:29,180And what were you twodoing in the mall, anyway?

44800:16:29,181 --> 00:16:30,510I thought you wereseeing "Moby Dick."

44900:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,606It was sold out.

45000:16:31,607 --> 00:16:33,139Maybe that's howyou can make it up to her--

45100:16:33,140 --> 00:16:34,919take me to the "Moby Dick"

reading tomorrow.

45200:16:34,920 --> 00:16:35,984Nice try.

45300:16:36,022 --> 00:16:37,757Doing something selflessfor her other son


35/44

45400:16:37,758 --> 00:16:39,430could make up foryour monumental blunder.

45500:16:39,431 --> 00:16:40,946Maybe flowers or jewelry.

45600:16:40,947 --> 00:16:42,284I like to throw moneyat the problem.

45700:16:42,285 --> 00:16:43,652Hello, pretty lady.

45800:16:43,653 --> 00:16:45,006What do you wanna do for dinner?

459

00:16:45,007 --> 00:16:47,821How about we exchangethe baby for a cheese pizza?

46000:16:47,822 --> 00:16:50,006- Is this about today?- I'll call for those tickets.

46100:16:50,502 --> 00:16:53,293You were supposed to spendquality time with the baby.

46200:16:53,294 --> 00:16:56,213Joe was asleep. He didn't evenknow he missed the puppet show.

46300:16:56,214 --> 00:16:57,549It was the baby class!

46400:16:57,550 --> 00:16:58,391Okay, call it what you want.

46500:16:58,392 --> 00:17:00,144I saw a hippie witha frog on his hand.

46600:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,454And for your information,


36/44

46700:17:01,455 --> 00:17:03,482I'm takin' Mannyto that reading tomorrow.

46800:17:03,483 --> 00:17:05,580Now you're just tryingto dig yourself out of a hole

46900:17:05,581 --> 00:17:08,506because you know thatyou were caught in a lie.

47000:17:08,507 --> 00:17:09,930- So here's something--- Not now, Manny.

47100:17:09,931 --> 00:17:10,842Oh, let him talk.

47200:17:10,843 --> 00:17:11,665I called the theater,

47300:17:11,666 --> 00:17:13,675and they have tons of ticketsfor tomorrow's show.

47400:17:13,893 --> 00:17:15,522And it turns out today's showwasn't sold out, either.

47500:17:15,523 --> 00:17:17,242- Ay, Manny, not now.- Let him talk.

47600:17:17,243 --> 00:17:18,589Mom, why'd you say it was sold out?

47700:17:18,590 --> 00:17:19,906Yeah. Why'd you say it was sold out?

47800:17:19,907 --> 00:17:23,066It was a mistake.This is not my first language.

47900:17:23,067 --> 00:17:25,293I don't understandEnglish very goodly.


37/44

48000:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,662Don't play that card.

48100:17:26,730 --> 00:17:28,691You didn't wanna goany more than I did.

48200:17:28,692 --> 00:17:32,283Fine. I lied,but I earned that lie.

48300:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,425Ay, Manny, I am so sorry.

48400:17:34,426 --> 00:17:37,191But you know that I am alwaystrying to do everything

48500:17:37,192 --> 00:17:39,360for everybody in this family.

48600:17:39,883 --> 00:17:41,147But you.

48700:17:41,567 --> 00:17:44,039You only do what's good for you.

488

00:17:44,099 --> 00:17:45,754Let me tell you something,Jay Pritchett--

48900:17:45,755 --> 00:17:48,074when it comes to raising kids,

49000:17:48,654 --> 00:17:50,430you get what you give.

491

00:17:53,556 --> 00:17:55,637Well, you rattledthat off pretty goodly.

49200:17:57,414 --> 00:17:58,934You don't have to do this, daddy.

49300:17:58,935 --> 00:18:01,224


38/44

I know, but daddy reallywants to do this, okay?

49400:18:01,390 --> 00:18:02,904No, no, no.No, what do you think you're doing, Sadie?

49500:18:02,905 --> 00:18:04,371No cutsies. Come on.

49600:18:04,372 --> 00:18:05,715Next.

49700:18:06,121 --> 00:18:06,867Hello, Milo.

49800:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,113Hello, one of Lily's dads.

49900:18:09,114 --> 00:18:10,669All right, let's makethis interesting, okay?

50000:18:10,670 --> 00:18:13,154If I win, the new rule is this, okay?

50100:18:13,155 --> 00:18:15,441No player can play morethan three times in a row

50200:18:15,442 --> 00:18:16,722without getting back in line

50300:18:16,723 --> 00:18:18,025and letting the other kids play.

50400:18:18,026 --> 00:18:20,475- What if I win?- Then I'll give you $20,000.

50500:18:20,476 --> 00:18:22,468- You're on.- All right. Let's do this.

50600:18:26,177 --> 00:18:28,009Yes! Whoo!


39/44

50700:18:28,075 --> 00:18:29,348One point for me.

50800:18:29,349 --> 00:18:31,013One point for me.That's right.

50900:18:32,231 --> 00:18:33,830Milo, the ball's over here.

51000:18:33,831 --> 00:18:36,195Nah, nah.Doesn't count. It was out.

51100:18:36,837 --> 00:18:38,550Aah! Little too high for you, huh?

51200:18:38,746 --> 00:18:41,993

Three bounces to the wallmakes you a lo-ser,

51300:18:41,994 --> 00:18:43,780makes you a lo-ser

51400:18:43,781 --> 00:18:46,877Final point.I get this, I win.

515

00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:48,689Oh, sweet lord Jesus.

51600:18:51,028 --> 00:18:54,053Whoo! Yes! Yes! Winner!

51700:18:54,054 --> 00:18:56,110Cham-pi-on! Cham-pi-on!

51800:18:56,175 --> 00:18:58,330

Cam's gonna be doingdrop-offs for a while.

51900:18:58,331 --> 00:19:00,051We got a letter.

52000:19:01,943 --> 00:19:03,358I'm sure you're both wondering


40/44

52100:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,256why I summoned you here tonight.

52200:19:05,458 --> 00:19:08,362I now present to youthe "wow" factor.

52300:19:09,636 --> 00:19:11,060Cam...

52400:19:13,306 --> 00:19:15,923I cannot believethat you went rogue.

52500:19:15,924 --> 00:19:18,202Uncool.I am with Claire on this.

52600:19:18,203 --> 00:19:19,900You'll soon see why.

52700:19:20,164 --> 00:19:21,748Prepare your senses...

52800:19:22,521 --> 00:19:24,360for dancing waters.

529

00:19:26,878 --> 00:19:27,941- Wow.- Wow.

53000:19:27,942 --> 00:19:29,198Factor.

53100:19:29,695 --> 00:19:31,504Now imagine a prospective buyer,

532

00:19:31,505 --> 00:19:33,681so entranced by the aqua ballet,

53300:19:33,682 --> 00:19:37,087they're compelled instantlyto make a rich offer.

53400:19:37,088 --> 00:19:38,801


41/44

I've even stocked the pools

53500:19:38,802 --> 00:19:40,682with fish of gold.

53600:19:41,285 --> 00:19:42,074They're just goldfish,

53700:19:42,075 --> 00:19:43,741but they're--they're right here.

53800:19:46,348 --> 00:19:48,591This is...this is really impressive, Cam.

53900:19:48,592 --> 00:19:49,623What did you spend?

54000:19:49,624 --> 00:19:51,686Quite a bit, actually,but I don't wanna get into that.

54100:19:51,687 --> 00:19:54,079Let me turn this upto eleventy-five.

54200:19:57,189 --> 00:19:58,363- Wow.

- Wow.

54300:19:58,364 --> 00:19:59,517Factor.

54400:20:00,826 --> 00:20:02,486Hey, Cam, are fish of gold

54500:20:02,487 --> 00:20:04,217supposed to swim

backwards like that?

54600:20:04,218 --> 00:20:05,698No, not to my knowledge, no.

54700:20:05,890 --> 00:20:07,269Yeah, it's kind of like they're all--


42/44

54800:20:07,270 --> 00:20:08,947they're gatheringtowards that thing.

54900:20:08,948 --> 00:20:10,260- It's like a--- Oh, no!

55000:20:12,377 --> 00:20:13,799- Ew! Ew!- You're killing them!

55100:20:14,330 --> 00:20:16,368Claire! Unplug it!

55200:20:16,369 --> 00:20:18,693It's half a fish!That's a half a fish!

55300:20:18,694 --> 00:20:20,496There are certain queertimes and occasions

55400:20:20,497 --> 00:20:23,080in this strange,mixed affair we call life...

55500:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,993when a man takes

this whole universe

55600:20:24,994 --> 00:20:26,963for a vast practical joke...

55700:20:28,902 --> 00:20:31,335Though the wit thereofhe but dimly discerns...

55800:20:31,336 --> 00:20:32,663

Tick-tick-tick,tick-tick-tick-tick,

55900:20:32,664 --> 00:20:34,420"boom-boom" goes the dynamite,

56000:20:34,421 --> 00:20:36,234"boom-boom" goes the dynamite!


43/44

56100:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,951And more than suspectsthat the joke

56200:20:37,952 --> 00:20:40,840is at nobody's expense but his own.

56300:20:53,184 --> 00:20:55,208- All right. Close your eyes.- Why?

56400:20:55,316 --> 00:20:56,732- Just trust me.- Okay.

56500:20:58,349 --> 00:20:59,887- Ow!- Never close your eyes on the court!

56600:20:59,888 --> 00:21:01,770- But you told me--- Don't let me get in your head!

56700:21:01,771 --> 00:21:04,468Pop 'em! Pop 'em all beforethey hit the ground! Go!

56800:21:05,315 --> 00:21:07,011

I don't really understand how...

56900:21:07,034 --> 00:21:09,041Make a fist withyour thumb on the side.

57000:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,756Now bring your thumb to the front.

57100:21:10,757 --> 00:21:12,023

Okay, now do it again.

57200:21:12,454 --> 00:21:15,042Ha! You just spelled "ass"in sign language.

57300:21:16,763 --> 00:21:18,435Okay. Close your eyes.


44/44

57400:21:18,712 --> 00:21:20,495It's okay. We're off the court.

57500:21:21,620 --> 00:21:23,342You're never off the court!

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