COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. STUDY ROOM - MORNING

ANNIE sits by herself, textbook and laptop open, sharpening a row of pencils. Unsatisfied with the resulting pencil tips, she begins to violently snap the pencils in half.

ANNIE(to herself)

If you can’t sharpen pencils correctly, Annie, how can we ever trust you with a puppy?

Pan to reveal dozens of broken pencils littering the floor and SHIRLEY in the doorway, watching in confusion.

SHIRLEY(tentatively)

Annie... are you OK? (Annie doesn’t respond)

Are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

ANNIE(slowly and deliberately)

I have been waiting here, alone, for the last seventeen minutes.

SHIRLEYMy hair appoint... uh... my sons forgot their lunches this morning. I had to bring them to...

ANNIEYesterday, it was nine minutes. The day before, eleven. Last Thursday, six. All told, I have waited...

Annie flips her computer around to reveal an Excel spreadsheet. Shirley moves closer to see.

ANNIE (CONT’D)A grand total of 7 hours and forty-two minutes, this semester alone. That’s a Cougar Town Season Two marathon right there.

SHIRLEY(digging in bag)

A Cougar whatnow?

ANNIEEvery week it’s getting worse. It’s almost as if...

SHIRLEYAs if we’re starting to treat Greendale like a community college?

Shirley drops a pen under the table and bends down to get it.

ANNIEI first came here because I just wanted to find a stepping stone to City, or maybe even State. But then we became, I don’t know, a funny little family. An incestuous family where the dashing older brother occasionally sleeps with the weird, kooky aunt. Recently, though, it seems like I’m the only one that still gives a darn. As if my time is less important than everyone else’s.

SHIRLEY(still under the table)

Oh, that’s not true, Annie. It’s just... Now that you mention it...

(She finds a cellphone duct taped to the table)

Why is Britta’s cellphone duct taped under the study table?

INT. DARK SURVEILLANCE ROOM

In a crowded storage room, we see ABED, JEFF, TROY, and BRITTA. An antiquated desktop computer with tinny speakers is playing the last few words that Shirley just uttered. A log with detailed markings is open on Abed’s lap.

BRITTAWe’ve been made.

The crew glares at her angrily.

BRITTA (CONT’D)What? I’ve always wanted to say that.

(beat)Did Annie call me a kooky aunt?

Annie, still in the STUDY ROOM, takes out her cell phone and calls Jeff, still in the SURVEILLANCE ROOM.

2.

ANNIEWhere are you? What is going on?

JEFFIt’s too hard to explain over the phone. Come to the storage room next to the woman’s room with the horrible pink vinyl couch.

Annie motions to Shirley and the two leave the STUDY ROOM and walk in the HALLWAY to the aforementioned SURVEILLANCE ROOM. Annie remains on the phone.

ANNIEWait... how do you know what’s in the women’s bathroom?

BRITTA (O.C.)You don’t have to answer that!

ANNIEEw, gross guys.

SHIRLEYWhat? Did Chang take his pants off again? I thought we had a deal.

Annie and Shirley reach the SURVEILLANCE ROOM.

ANNIEOkay, we’re here. Goodbye, Jeff.

JEFFGoodbye? We’re about to see each other in literally two seconds.

ANNIEIt’s rude to end a phone conversation without saying goodbye.

JEFFI don’t think that applies here.

ABEDOn TV, no one ever says goodbye.

TROYCan I open the door?

ANNIENo! We need to end this phone call politely first.

3.

JEFFYou realize that you could already be in here and brought up to date on the reasoning behind our habitual lateness, right?

ABEDGoodbye? Goodbye! Goodbye... Doesn’t fit. Slows down the action.

ANNIEThis is important. Without manners, we’re no better than the animals.

JEFFBecause if lions and gazelles had proper phone etiquette, the lions wouldn’t brutally murder and devour every member of the gazelle’s extended family.

ANNIE(angrily)

Goodbye, Jeffrey Winger.

Jeff waits about five beats. The camera cuts back and forth between close-ups of Jeff and Annie, as well as tense reaction shots of the rest of the crew.

JEFF(sighing)

See you soon?

ANNIE(beat)

I’ll allow it.

The crew lets out a collected sigh of relief. As Troy opens the door...

SMASH CUT TO MAIN TITLES

MONTAGE:

The main titles are an homage to The Wire, with a cover of the theme aping the Blind Boys of Alabama. Shots include: the characters, especially JEFF, checking their cell phones, the crew weighing and boxing chicken from “Contemporary American Poultry,” ANNIE and SHIRLEY as ‘cops’ from “The Science of Illusion,” glamour shots of the primitive set up in the SURVEILLANCE ROOM, ending with STAR-BURNS throwing a rock and breaking a POV security camera.

END COLD OPEN

4.

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DARK SURVEILLANCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Annie and Shirley shuffle into the cramped room.

SHIRLEYHello... what is going on in here?

(notices Pierce isn’t there)

Is Pierce dead? If so, I’m sorry for misusing my prayers.

TROYHe’s taking a ‘me’ day.

JEFFIsn’t every day a ‘me’ day for Pierce?

BRITTALook who’s talking, pomegranate-scented pumice stone.

JEFFI have dry elbows!

ANNIEGuys, STOP IT! What’s going ON?

ABED(tilting head up and to the right)

It all started last Friday...

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. DEAN’S OFFICE - LAST FRIDAY

Jeff, Britta, Troy, and Abed are standing in front of the Dean’s desk. The Dean is dressed in the cop outfit a stripper might wear if he didn’t have a costume budget.

BRITTAWhy’d you set up this meeting, Dean? Have we been Bad Boys?

(Britta begins an unfortunate rendition of the theme to COPS)

Bad boys, bad boys, who you gonna call? Who you gonna call when I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts?

5.

TROYDo your ears filter out the crazy that you do?

DEANFor your information, Ms. Perry, tonight just so happens to be the COPper Toxicity Syndrome Cotillion and Cake Walk.

JEFFBrass tax, Commander Closetcase, what’d you call us in for?

DEANAttendance is down, people. If we want to keep our accreditation as a “legitimate” school, we need more patooties in the seats. The way I see it, we have to raise our SHARE, that’s Students Habitually Attending Rigorous Education, three or four points or else the ol’ Peacock will have no choice but to...

(gestures a throat slit)If that happens, you can kiss all your precious credits goodbye. You’ll all have to start over and I’ll have to go back to working at the docks.

ABEDPeacock?

DEANThat’s Secretary Norman Peacock of the Board of Ed. He’s elderly, but still quite the stickler. Between you and me, he’s seen better days. Granted, we’re still doing pretty well in the coveted 18-34 white male demo...

JEFFYou’re welcome.

BRITTAYeah, like you could possibly still be 34.

JEFFFor your information, I was carded last week.

6.

TROYWhere? At Golden Corral?

CHANG(looking in from outside the office)

Awww AARP Snap!

JEFFCan it, Chang. You’re going to die alone.

CHANG (O.C.)Too harsh, man.

DEANIf we’re done? Now, I just got a text from Professor Xavier...

Troy perks up.

ABEDIt’s pronounced Zavier. No wheelchair.

Troy goes back to staring off into space

DEANAnd he told me that there were only two students in his class this morning.

BRITTADid it occur to him that his class might just blow goats?

DEANNormally, you’d be right. But today was supposed to be their first day sketching nudes.

TROYNude dudes?

DEAN(ruefully)

Not until next week.

TROYSomething horrible has happened.

7.

DEANAnywho, Professor X has noticed a suspicious figure following his students to the study room recently. He thinks this shady person might be... dealing to his students.

JEFFStar-Burns?

DEANMost likely. But since he knows we’re on to him, he’s gone into hiding. I can’t call the police for this because they apparently find my outfit inappropriate and degrading.

BRITTAShocking.

DEANGet this done for me Winger, and I’ll have your ass!

JEFFI think you mean ‘or.’

DEANWait, what’d I say?

END FLASHBACK.

INT. DARK SURVEILLANCE ROOM - PRESENT

Everyone is staring at Abed, who has tilted his head up for the flashback, but who apparently hasn’t said a word for several minutes.

SHIRLEYIs... is Abed OK?

JEFFProbably not.

TROYI saw it, man. There were... dragons? And pantaloons? And... mom, what are you doing here?

ABEDI appreciate the effort.

8.

Troy and Abed do their totally heterosexual chest slap.

BRITTALong story short, no one’s going to class, Greendale might close, and the Dean wants us to figure out what Star-Burns is slinging...

JEFFDon’t try to use the lingo...

BRITTA...So we’ve been bugging the study room with my phone ever since.

SHIRLEYI hope you have unlimited minutes.

BRITTAOooooooh crap.

BRITTA, realizing her mistake, runs out of the SURVEILLANCE ROOM and back towards the STUDY ROOM.

JEFFWell, surprisingly, that didn’t work. Anyone have a better plan? Because I am NOT going to transfer and take Spanish again. That, and I’d miss you guys.

ANNIEAwwww.

JEFFBelieve me, it’s mainly the Spanish.

ANNIEWe need to find someone Star-Burns has sold to and annoy the truth out of them. But who? If only we knew someone else with a history of addiction...

TROYI’d ask Pierce, but he hasn’t left his room for the last 72 hours. The door is locked and he keeps asking for turkey jerky and wide mouth Gatorade bottles.

ABEDWhat flavor?

9.

TROYEmpty.

EVERYONE (EXCEPT ANNIE)Ewwwwww.

BRITTA (O.C. FROM THE COMPUTER)Crap crap crap crap crap. I’m going to have to open so many new credit cards.

ANNIEWait, why are they wide mou... oh ew.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

10.

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. PIERCE’S HOUSE, THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF HIS BEDROOM

The hallway is gaudily decorated, with thick purple carpets and velvet wallpaper, suggesting those photographs of Rush Limbaugh’s old Manhattan apartment. An old Warhol-esque painting of PIERCE hangs next to the door. Stacks of dirty dishes are strewn on a tray, as if Pierce has been treating his own house like a hotel. ABED, ANNIE, BRITTA, JEFF, SHIRLEY, AND TROY stand in a semi-circle around the door.

ANNIEI still don’t understand why the dean didn’t call me for that meeting.

BRITTAHe probably knew about your past history with drugs and didn’t want you to get dragged back in.

ANNIEAww, how thoughtful.

SHIRLEYThen why wasn’t I involved? Just because I’m a proud black woman, he assumes I have a substance abuse problem?

TROYNo, he doesn’t have your email address. I don’t think I do, either.

SHIRLEYIt’s always been NoScrubsShirley@TLCfans.org

JEFFWait, you were serious?

Troy knocks on Pierce’s door. There are sounds of thumping furniture, breaking glass, and general chaos from Pierce’s room.

PIERCE (O.C.)(belligerently)

What? Troy? Did you bring the Depends?

11.

ANNIE(knocking)

Pierce? What’s going on? Is it... is it the pills again?

PIERCE (O.C.)You brought Annie? What’s the matter with you? I can’t poop in Annie!

JEFFPierce, open the door.

PIERCE (O.C.)No. I’m fine. Go away.

BRITTAPierce, we’re here for you. We can help you through this. Again.

PIERCE (O.C.)...I don’t need help.

JEFFOpen the door, Pierce.

PIERCE (O.C.)No! Let me seed in peace! Scram! You’re not my real dad!

JEFFWhat the hell is that supposed to mean? If you don’t open the door, we’ll just have to tear it down.

PIERCE (O.C.)(smugly)

Go ahead and try.

The crew begin to slam against the door with all their strength, bouncing off with no effect.

PIERCE (CONT’D)Panic room, numbnuts. Oh, and Troy, if you want to continue living here, I expect my next shipment before midnight. Money’s on the kitchen table. The shopping list is on your Facebook page. I tagged everyone.

BRITTAUgh, Facebook. Am I right, people?

(blank stares)

12.

(MORE)

Screw you guys, I have ideas. I have good ideas. People would love to hear my ideas. I’m sick of... In fact... I’ll bet I can put on a one woman show in just one day. That’ll show you wangs how many good ideas I have. Who’s with me?

JEFFYou realize you both belittled and begged us for help in the same breath, right?

BRITTAAnnie? If you help, I’ll make you executive producer. You can even make the flyers!

ANNIE(reading Pierce’s list of demands on her phone)

Nilla wafers, moonpies, icy hot, Axe bodyspray... I’ll help you, Britta. Whatever you are planing must be less disturbing than this.

TROYI wouldn’t bet on it.

BRITTAScrew you guys. Come on, Annie. Let’s bounce.

ABEDB-story. You’ll be back.

BRITTABeg pardon?

ABEDThis is classic B-story. You and Annie are pairing off to have your own adventures that will somehow come back to help us crack this case.

JEFFThis isn’t a case. This is a missing scum bag and a wannabe Howard Hughes. Besides, Annie, won’t you care if Greendale closes?

13.

BRITTA (CONT'D)

ANNIEEverything will work out. It always does. And I’m tired of always being the one that cares. From now on, I’ll be careless Annie. Er, carefree Annie. Care-neutral Annie. Let’s go, Britta. I want to discuss the format for your show. Were you thinking of playing a character or going with something more observational... Oh, we need to decide on a venue...

Britta and Annie walk off while discussing plans for their show.

TROYNow what? Unless we have a plan, I have some shopping to do. Last time I had to go to like five stores.

(he looks at the list on his phone)

Where’s “Dildopolis?”

JEFFHow can a complete burnout like Star-Burns be so untraceable? He must have made some mistake, have some system we can decode.

ABEDWell, we still have class in an hour. I say we head back to Greendale and look for clues.

PIERCE (O.C.)Troy! If you’re still there, get me the extra large Depends. I haven’t had a bowel movement in four days. Must be all the jerky.

Abed, Jeff, Troy, and Shirley back away slowly, then run.

EXT. GREENDALE CAMPUS QUAD - LATER

Abed, Jeff, Troy, and Shirley are walking to class. Scattered about are brand new xeroxed signs reading “Britta: Unfiltered. This Afternoon Only. Cafeteria. Be there for the Brittal Truth! An Annie Edison Production.” On the grass, with a gaggle of students waving money surrounding him, is a masked man dressed like Jesus holding a sign that reads “Genesis 2:15”

14.

TROY(noticing the man holding the sign)

Genesis 2:15?

SHIRLEY“And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.“

The boys stop and stare.

SHIRLEY (CONT’D)What? It’s not just a lifestyle, you know.

JEFFWhen did Greendale get religion?

ABEDSeason 2, episode 5.

JEFFWhat?

ABEDNothing.

They continue walking towards their class.

INT. PROFESSOR DUNCAN’S CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER

DUNCAN sits, head in hands, at the table at the front of the class. The only students at their seats as ABED, JEFF, TROY, and SHIRLEY enter are CHANG and FAT NEIL. Fat Neil is sitting at his desk, slowly rocking back and forth, scratching at his arms, obviously in some sort of withdrawal. The gang take their seats.

DUNCANWell, this is just great. Big self-esteem booster, here. Everyone just sit tight until the end of the period. I’m going to take a nap and dream of teaching students who actually show up.

JEFF(taking a swig from a previously hidden flask)

I wonder what it’s like to go to a real community college.

15.

SHIRLEYJeffrey!

ABEDSo McNulty.

CHANGWhat?

ABEDThe Wire.

CHANGOh. I hear it’s good.

DUNCANIt’s in my queue. Winger. Hit me.

Jeff tosses his flask up to Duncan, who proceeds to chug.

DUNCAN (CONT’D)Right. You all get A’s.

TROYFa... uh... Neil, what’s going on? You look... uh... not so good.

FAT NEIL(robotically)

Seed, harvest, sell, build. Seed, harvest, sell, build. Seed, harvest, sell, build. Visit my farm! Visit my farm!

CHANGHe’s been doing that all day. It was fun for a while, but now it’s stuck in my head.

(rapping)Seed, harvest, sell, build, what what! East side!

TROYWait wait, seed... Pierce has been obsessed with seeding all weekend. I just assumed he was talking about

(whispered)Self love.

JEFF(looking at his phone)

That would explain the bottle of Jergens on his list...

16.

ABEDEverything’s connected.

SHIRLEYWhat does all this have to do with Pierce?

FAT NEIL(raving mad)

Pierce? I’ve visited his. His is the biggest, the most glorious... so beautiful. How? How? Not possible! Seed, harvest, sell, build.

TROYVisited? No one’s visited Pierce since that con-man claiming to be his long lost son.

DUNCANHeads up!

JEFF(catching the flask that Duncan has thrown back)

Nothing makes sense. What is Star-Burns selling that is messing people up like this?

Fat Neil, unable to control himself, jumps out of his chair, knocks over his desk, and stumbles out of the classroom.

SHIRLEYWhy don’t we follow Neil?

Jeff, Troy, and Shirley rise to follow Neil. Abed goes a separate direction, up a flight of stairs.

CHANGWinger. Hit me.

Jeff smacks Chang on the back of the head as he walks out of the room.

CHANG (CONT’D)Hey! You wouldn’t like me when I’m Changry.

DUNCANShut it, Chang. Some of us are trying to sleep.

17.

EXT. GREENDALE CAMPUS QUAD

Jeff, Troy, and Shirley hide by the doorway to the building and watch as Fat Neil shuffles towards the masked man across the quad. Abed has found his way to THE ROOF of the building and is taking surveillance photos of the following action with his iPhone, through which we see much of the following transaction. PIERCE is there, dressed in a bathrobe and crocs, looking like he hasn’t bathed in weeks. He shoves a wad of cash into the masked man’s hand and is given a bible from a stack of books by his feet. Pierce then trots off with the bible under his arm.

JEFFEverything IS connected!

SHIRLEYSince when is Pierce a Christian? I thought he was a heathen.

TROYBuddhist.

SHIRLEYWhatever.

TROYI think there’s more to those bibles...

Fat Neil begs the masked man for a bible. The masked man, realizing Neil has no money, refuses, and has a couple of his “disciples” shoo him away. Neil, dejected, walks back towards the group. Abed finishes taking his photos and jumps off the roof, Omar Little style, landing next to Jeff, Shirley, and Troy, his bad-assery somehow going unnoticed by the rest of the group, except TROY.

TROY (CONT’D)(to Abed)

That’s some Spider-Man stuff right there.

SHIRLEY(pointing at the fake Jesus)

That didn’t look very Christian.

JEFFOh yeah? To me that looked exactly like...

SHIRLEYNot the time, Jeffrey.

18.

Fat Neil, oblivious, tries to walk through the group.

JEFFNeil, what happened there?

FAT NEIL(clearly jonesing for something)

No money. Can’t buy. Can’t seed.

JEFF(bringing out a wad of bills)

How’d you like to make a few bucks?

ABEDBubbles. He’s Bubbles.

TROYWhat?

ABEDThe Wire.

TROYOh yeah. I’ve been meaning to watch that.

JEFF(half listening while discussing terms with Fat Neil)

I hear it’s good.

SHIRLEYThat’s what Andre’s been telling me.

Neil, now flush with Jeff’s cash, returns to the masked man. As he is given his bible, Neil rips off the mask, revealing STAR-BURNS, who has been hiding in plain sight. Realizing he has been exposed, Star-Burns grabs his stack of bibles and runs for it, dropping books as he goes. The crowd that had been around him disperses and Neil, after signalling to Jeff, runs off as well. The group walks up to where Star-Burns had been standing. Jeff picks up a dropped bible, opens it, and sees that it’s hollow and full of...

JEFFGift cards... Farmville gift cards...

SHIRLEYWhat’s Farmville?

19.

JEFFThe lamest thing the internet has ever created. It’s a virtual farm game on Facebook that Americans spend countless hours and millions of dollars on every day when they could be doing something productive like, for example, ACTUALLY FARMING. The game where people use real money to buy fake farming equipment to harvest fake crops. The game that gives you bonuses for harassing your friends into playing. This? This is why no one is going to class anymore? They’re buying Farmville gift cards and staying home to build gigantic fake farms on their computers?

TROYYou can play games? I thought computers were just used for...

(realizes Shirley is standing next to him)

...not watching naked ladies?

SHIRLEYOh, it’s on now. Star-Burns was using Jesus as a front to make money!

JEFFShirley, it’s really hard for me to contain myself when you keep lobbing them up there.

SHIRLEYI appreciate your restraint, Jeffrey. I’ll be sure to put in a good word for you secular humanists when I’m basking in the everlasting love of the sweet baby Jesus.

ABEDBut why the bible? And the passage from Genesis? I’m missing something here. There’s a piece we don’t see yet.

Abed whips out his iPhone and begins to google frantically.

SHIRLEYAt least now we know what’s causing the drop in attendance.

20.

(MORE)

But how are we going to find Star-Burns? He disappeared again!

ABED(not looking up from his googling)

Follow the giftcards.

JEFFWhat?

ABED(pointing to the trail of gift cards dropped by Star-Burns leading to the cafeteria)

The giftcards. There’s a trail.

TROYI’m gettin’ too old for this sh...

ABEDWrong police franchise.

(Looking up at Troy)You know, I gave you my old season one DVDs of The Wire months ago.

TROYI know, I know, it’s just... I’ve been busy?

Meanwhile, Jeff is walking off, picking up the scattered giftcards. Troy, and Shirley follow.

ABEDWell, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Abed, head in his iphone, follows behind.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

21.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

ACT THREE

INT. CAFETERIA - LATE AFTERNOON

Britta is dressed in a black trenchcoat, holding a microphone, and standing in front of a makeshift stage with “Britta: Unfiltered” draped on a banner behind her. She is clearly bombing with her one woman show in front of a crowd of students who just want to have dinner. Annie, with a headset on, sits at a table with her laptop, ready to drop in sound effects. Chang is at another table, eating peanuts with a spoon.

BRITTA...and don’t get me started on LOLcats.

SFX. Annie plays an angry meow clip

BRITTA (CONT’D)I mean, what’s funny about animal abuse? Don’t people know those poor cats have souls? How would you feel if millions of people were laughing at you over the internet?

RANDOM STUDENT (O.C.)Ask your mom.

SFX. Annie plays a clip of Chang yelling, “Oh, snap!”

CHANG(coughing up peanuts)

Oh, snap!

BRITTAAnnie! You’re supposed to be helping me!

ANNIEYou said in our production meetings that you were in favor of audience participation.

BRITTAI meant that I wanted them to feel free to applaud and cheer!

ANNIE(under her breath)

Not likely.

Jeff, his arms full of giftcards, enters the cafeteria, followed by Troy, Shirley, and Abed (still googling).

22.

They stand at the back of the cafeteria, scanning the disinterested crowd.

ABED(out of breath)

...eeeeeeit.

JEFFThe trail ends. Star-Burns is in here somewhere... And... is that Britta?

ABED(gasping for air)

I told you. B story syncs with A story.

ANNIEYou’re dying up there. Why don’t you ask for suggestions from the audience?

BRITTA(into mike)

OK you jags, who’s ready to get their intellectual freak on? Gimme a topic! Let’s go lightning round up in this piece!

RANDOM STUDENTSKill yourself! Why are you like this? Please let us eat in peace! Rabble rabble rabble.

JEFF(above the din)

How about Farmville?

BRITTA(not noticing Jeff)

OK, OK, I heard Farmville. Here’s the thing about that piece of corporate crap-o-crazy. America used to make things. It’s true. Ever hear of General Electric? Ford Motor Company? They used to be more than just logos! There used to be unions! Now we just pretend to make things on websites where we pretend to make friends. I’m so happy that I don’t have a Facebook account because if I did...

23.

STAR-BURNS (O.C.)

Liar!

Star-Burns, who had been hiding under a table and is still clutching the stack of bibles, walks towards the stage.

SFX. Annie plays a clip of her own patented gasp of shock.

JEFFStar-Burns!

ABEDEverything’s connected.

Abed stops googling, having found what it is he was looking for. Instead, as he slowly walks up to the stage, he punches a few numbers into his phone and calls someone...

STAR-BURNSI can’t take it anymore. You’re lying. You know you’re lying. Everyone knows you’re lying. You can’t not have a Facebook account and complain about Farmville. You only complain about Farmville IF you have a Facebook account! You’re not better than me, so stop pretending! I’ve seen your farm. Yeah, it’s true, Ms. Non-Conformist has her own Farmville farm. And you know what? It’s crap. You’re just bitter because you’re bad at a game that is nearly impossible to be bad at! I mean, who grows only wheat and artichokes? You get the lowest return of experience for the money you pump in!

BRITTA(on the verge of tears)

But I like wheat and artichokes...

STAR-BURNSThat’s not the point! You’re supposed to accumulate crap, not farm things you like! Why do you think I started selling these gift cards wholesale? People have a desire to show up their friends, even on something as stupid as Farmville! It’s human nature! And it’s so much more profitable than selling drugs!

24.

Abed, suddenly on the stage, interrupts the rant by whistling “The Farmer in the Dell.” Britta, shattered, hands Abed her black trenchcoat as she walks off the stage. Abed puts on the coat, now the spitting image of Omar from The Wire.

LUNCH ROOM WORKERAbed comin’! Abed comin’, yo!

ABEDFinally! One person!

LUNCH ROOM WORKERBest show ever, man!

ABEDThank you!

(to Star-Burns, fully channeling the bad-assness of Omar Little)

It’s over.

STAR-BURNS(channeling Stringer Bell)

It’s not over until I say it’s over! I own the gift cards!

ABEDTrue. And normally, you’d walk. We all know the cops can’t touch you. But I reckon you gave away your weakness. Your costumes, your bible quotes, you gave me all the information I needed to end you. Genesis 2:15.

ANNIE“And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.“

(beat)What? Jews read the Torah.

ABEDNow why would a pusher quote the bible? There were so many other ways for you to hide your organization. Why the bible?

STAR-BURNSWhat? It was convenient. Dressing and keeping the garden, it’s a metaphor.

25.

ABED(ignoring him)

What part of your past made you want to thumb your nose, to “use Jesus as a front to make money?”

BRITTA(more composed, but still teary)

Well, actually, the Catholic church has been...

SHIRLEY (O.C.)Not the time, Britta!

ABEDI figured it out. It took a while, but I figured it out. And she’s on the phone.

STAR-BURNS(hesitating)

You’re bluffing.

ABEDAnything you want to say to your mother?

(dramatic pause)Reverend Osbourne?

REVEREND OSBOURNE (V.O.)(through Abed’s phone)

Alex? Is that you?

There are many dramatic reaction shots throughout this entire scene, one for each character, even the Lunch Room Worker. Here begins the homage to the death of Stringer Bell.

STAR-BURNSWhatcha want? Huh? Money? Is that it? Cuz if it is, man, I could be a better friend of y’all without my mother involved.

ABEDYou still don’t get it, do you? Huh? It ain’t about your money, bro. Your mom gave you up. And I didn’t have to coach her, neither.

STAR-BURNS(beat)

Well, it seem like I can’t say nothin’ to change your mind.

26.

(MORE)

(dramatic pause)Well, get on with it, mof...

Abed tosses his phone at Star-Burns, who drops the bibles, catches it, and begins an awkward conversation with his mother.

STAR-BURNS (CONT’D)Heeeeey mom. No, I still haven’t shaved. Yes. No! Yes... Oh come on. But... OK. Yeah. Twice daily and once more before bed. I love you, too. Bye bye.

ANNIE(vindicated)

See! Even Star-Burns says goodbye!

Star-Burns tosses the phone back at Abed, who hangs up and puts it back in his pocket. He’s Abed again.

STAR-BURNSYou suck.

ABEDA man’s gotta have a code.

BRITTA(stunned)

Abed’s a bad ass!

JEFFI have got to watch The Wire.

Star-Burns walks off, defeated. Abed hops off the stage, walks to the spilled Farmville gift cards, and begins tossing them into the crowd, who grab at them, crazed.

TROYAbed! What are you doing?

Troy starts to run towards Abed to stop him.

JEFFTroy! No. He knows what he’s doing. By giving away those cards, everyone here can build the biggest, most pimped out fake farm imaginable. Without wasting time or money. People will stop obsessing. It’ll all be meaningless. Well, more meaningless. They’ll return to class.

27.

STAR-BURNS (CONT'D)

(MORE)

Everything will go back to normal. In a few hours, everyone will realize what we’ve known this whole time:

(to camera)Farmville is a total waste of time and anyone still playing it is a complete chump.

INT. PIERCE’S BEDROOM

The bedroom is as established in episode 2.01, but filled wall to wall with gatorade bottles full of a dark orange liquid. Used Farmville gift cards litter the floor and are stacked sloppily next to Pierce’s computer. Pierce has grown a horrible beard. He sits at his desk, one hand on his computer keyboard, the other opening a box of Depends.

PIERCEOoooh, a black sheep just showed up on my farm! Let’s see if we can find you a home! Baaa! Baaaaa! I love you, black sheep. It’s all in the game. And that game... is Farmville!

FADE OUT.

END ACT THREE

28.

JEFF (CONT'D)

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. PROFESSOR XAVIER’S CLASSROOM

It is a typical art classroom. The camera pans to a plaque by the door reading “Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Muralists.” TROY and ABED sit at easels, waiting for the model to show up. PROFESSOR XAVIER, a non-British, fully mobile man, walks up and down the rows of students.

PROFESSOR XAVIERI have a special treat for you today. Today’s model...

TROY(whispered loudly to Abed)

I really really hope she’s Asian.

PROFESSOR XAVIER(annoyed, from the other side of the room)

Nope, not Asian.

TROYIt’s like he read my mind!

Troy and Abed do their hand / chest gesture. The door opens and in comes the DEAN, wearing nothing but a mauve terrycloth robe. Troy and Abed freeze up as the Dean saunters to the front of the class.

ABEDOn the count of three. One...

TROYTwo...

The Dean lifts his leg, thrusting it onto a crate on the model’s platform. Not waiting until three, Troy and Abed run screaming from the classroom, spilling paint and knocking over easels. The camera pans to reveal Annie, also stunned, but too much of a goodie-goodie to run from the class. The Dean drops his robe. Annie gasps, involuntarily looks closer, then gives the Dean an impressed nod. She picks up her paint brush and begins to paint.

FADE OUT.

29.