character study - an office spec script

8/10/2019 Character Study - An Office Spec Script

1/31

THE OFFICE

"CHARACTER STUDY"

Written by

Justin McElroy


2/31

COLD OPEN

INT. THE OFFICE - DAY

DWIGHT is typing deliberately as he accesses his Twitter

account, @DwightKSchruteAccountForTwitter.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIMSay what you will about Ashton andShaq, I think youve got to hand itto Dwight for being the first oneto really embrace the potential ofTwitter.

INT. THE OFFICE/DWIGHTS DESK

DWIGHT finishes sending an update and turns from his work toaddress the camera.

DWIGHTIts a ridiculous, hollow piece ofsoftware, but its the best thingIve found for tracking how closelyIm adhering to the Food and DrugAdministration food pyramid.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM reads from his phone.

JIM5:30 a.m. T-bone steak and raisinwine. 7:00 a.m. Tooth paste. 10:03a.m. Peanut. 10:05 Peanut. 10:06Peanut. Here at 11:30 a.m. wevegot something called Trunkgarlic.

EXT. THE OFFICE/PARKING LOT

In the parking lot, DWIGHT, clad in a parka, strides to hiscar, and purposefully open the trunk.


3/31

DWIGHT (V.O.)(indignant)

Its one of many strains of garlicnot hearty enough to withstand thenear Arctic chill of thePennsylvania February that I, as a

result, am forced grow in the trunkof my car.

DWIGHT extends a hand to the trunk garlic as if to say Doyou understand now?

DWIGHT (V.O.)(CONT)Naturally, I occasionally have tosample a piece to check formealiness and acidity. ... I haveto be ringing a bell by now right?Trunk garlic?

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM gets a text on his phone.

JIM(feigning surprise)

Ah -- peanut.

END COLD OPEN

2.


4/31

ACT ONE

INT. RECEPTION - DAY

PHIL arrives at reception. Hes average looking, maybe even alittle bookish, no leading man looks. He greets PAM at thereception desk though clearly hes a little uneasy.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL(visibly excited)

Today were welcoming a veryspecial guest, the actor playingthe lead in Death of a Salesmanfor the Scranton Little Theater. Hewants to study us to see what its

like in our boring world. Why wouldhe want to do that when hesalready an actor? Why wouldnt wewant to just spend the day learningfrom him? I dont know. But Pamsays were supposed to just beourselves and --

The speakerphone in MICHAELs office clicks on.

PAM (V.O.)Michael, hes here.

Before PAM can finish, MICHAEL has sprung out of his chair soquickly that it jostles the camera man as he barely utters athrilled Oh god!


PAMIm so glad you could make it!

PHILThanks, I still think the wholething is a little silly, but thedirector seemed to think it was imp--

MICHAEL strides to PHIL holding what appears to be an Oscar.

MICHAEL(mock announcer voice)

And the award for best actor goesto ... Phil ... something!

3.


5/31

PHIL takes the trophy with a chuckle, reads the base.

PHIL...Its Sullivan. Oh, wow, MichaelScott, Best Actor, Godfather 4.

MICHAEL, embarrassed, begins to unobtrusively take the trophyback. PHIL, surprised by the heft, examines the trophy basemore closely.

PHIL (CONTD)Jeez, this is really heavy, is thisreal marble?

MICHAEL snatches the award back as he says:

MICHAELIt was a gift --


MICHAEL (CONTD)It was a gift to myself on theanniversary of the day that I ...bought ... my car.


PHIL(to the office staff)

Thanks everybody for having me,

just please try to pretend Im notaround. It shouldnt be that tough,my kids do it all the time.

Polite chuckle from the office, but MICHAEL is disgusted and,unsurprisingly, misreading the room.

MICHAELAnimals.

PHILExcuse me?

MICHAELNo, its just ... I mean youreright there for ... scene studies,or improv classes. Its just thetalent, the wasted talent, it ...it makes me sick.

PAM TALKING HEAD

4.


6/31

PAM(defending herself)

Im designing the set for the showand the director said Phil neededto meet some real salespeople and Iwas just really grateful to be

involved and before Id eventhought about it ... What Imtrying to say is this ones my bad,OK?

(agitated)This ones all Pamela. Buthonestly, I think Im due one,right? Doesnt everybody get one?

PHIL TALKING HEAD

PHILThe only other salesperson I know

is my second cousin Daryl and hehas to sell magazine subscriptionsas part of his work release. Sogiven the options Im pretty sure Imade the right call. ... Prettysure.


MICHAELWhy dont I introduce you toeverybody?

PHILOh thats not really necessar--

MICHAELLet the tour begin!

INT. THE OFFICE/ACCOUNTING

MICHAELThis is accounting, the numberspeople. They -- wait, you probablydont care about them though doyou?

PHILWell, I mean, sure I --

5.


7/31

MICHAEL(laughing)

Its too bad youre not playingForrest Gump, Kevin would beperfect.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD

KEVINI know he was being mean, but hestotally right.

(excitedly counting off onhis fingers)

I love ping pong, I love shrimp, Ilove chocolate in boxes, I lovesitting on benches, and I loveshrimp. ... Did I say shrimp twice?Well, I really love shrimp.

INT. ACCOUNTING - DAY

MICHAELAnd here we have accountingsleading lady -- technically theonly lady -- Angela.

ANGELA barely makes eye contact.

ANGELA (V.O.)I dont really care for most actorstoday --

As they leave, Angela takes a moment to bask in her KirkCameron As The Apostles calendar (February is apparentlyThaddeus) which features the actor wearing a fake beard andsporting a vaguely beefcake pose.

ANGELA (CONTD)Unless of course theyre KirkCameron.

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELA (CONTD)I wish I could say the same for hissister Candace though. Honestly,that DJ Tanner, living in a housewith three full grown men? In SanFrancisco? Its shameful.

6.


8/31

INT. ACCOUNTING - DAY

MICHAELOscar I want you to meet--Actually, do you two already knoweach other?

OSCARWhy would you assume that? Becausehes in theater? You know, thatsbeyond --

PHIL, distracted with Kevin until now, turns to OSCAR and,recognizing him, goes in for a handshake.

PHILOscar! How are you?

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

OSCARYes, I know Phil. But its onlybecause we go to the same gym andweve seen each other in the saunaa few times. ... That ... thatstill sounded pretty gay, didntit?

INT. THE OFFICE/BREAK ROOM - DAY

ANDY fills his coffee mug as JIM enters with a stack of

papers.

JIMHey, this fax came in for you fromBarlingtons.

ANDY(singing, tune of TwoTickets to Paradise)

Thank you so much Tuna!

JIM briefly considers asking about the singing and decidesagainst it.

JIMAny ... uhh ... yeah, any time.

JIM almost makes it to the door before he, seemingly againsthis will, turns.

7.


9/31

JIM (CONTD)Im actually regretting asking thisas Im saying it, but was thatEddie Money?

ANDY

Sorry to rock you with so littlewarning, Tuna. Im trying to catchPhils ear, hoping hell get awhiff of the Pipes de Nard-Dog andtell the theater big wigs that theywant a sample ... want a ... dollopin their next musical.

JIM... Yeah, I mean, what other choicedo you have?

ANDY

Exactly!

JIMI mean, except for auditioning.

ANDYSorry?

JIMAuditioning, you could justaudition for the shows.

ANDY

(all seriousness)Tuna ... do you think Eddie Moneyhas to audition?

JIM, unable to process what Andy has said, let alone come upwith a retort, stares at the camera blankly.

INT. DWIGHTS DESK - DAY

PHIL awkwardly approaches DWIGHTs desk as he pounds away athis keyboard.

PHILHi, sorry, Dwight is it? Michaelsaid that you were one of his topsalespeople and that I might beable to shadow you for a bit.

8.


10/31

DWIGHTOh of course, no problem! Id behappy to provide you a window intomy soul and help you understand theinner-workings of my psyche!

PHIL(with an awkward chuckle)Yeah, I guess, in a way. I couldjust sit over there in the corner,you wouldnt even know I was --

DWIGHTNo dice.

PHILSorry?

DWIGHT

For one, Ive trained for years tomake my psyche completelyinscrutable and thereforeimpervious to torture. Second,Schrutes have a long-standing anddeeply held distrust of actors,ventriloquists, mountebanks,charlatans, snake oil salesmen andgenerally anyone pretending to besomething theyre not.

[Pause]

PHIL(fumbling)

Wow, uhh, snake oil salesmen, dontsee many of them around any more.

DWIGHT gives a look as if to say Huh, weird, wonder how thathappened.


PHIL, clearly a little broken but still trying to getsomething out of the day, is seated, watching Creed lookthrough the several pagers in his desk trying to find the onethat is buzzing.

MEREDITH comes up behind PHIL, startling him.

MEREDITHHey actor, you know Burt Reynolds,yeah?

9.


11/31

PHILWell sure, everybody knows Bur--

MEREDITHNo, dummy, you KNOW him. You havehis phone number and everything.

PHIL...No, Ive never met him.

MEREDITHWell, if you ever see him, I wantyou to punch him in the gut for me.And tell him he owes me 13 years ofchild support.

PHILWow, thats ... uhh ... thatstough.

MEREDITH TALKING HEAD

MEREDITHIm sure it was Burt Reynolds. ...It was either Burt Reynolds or theguy from that Tony Orlando and Dawncover band we all saw the night Igot knocked up who kinda lookedlike Burt Reynolds. I dont know, Iwas pretty messed up. ... Hedefinitely had a mustache.

PHIL TALKING HEAD

PHIL is clearly just beginning a conversation on his cellphone.

PHILHey Darryl, its Phil! No, yourcousin Phil! ... Wow, that dogsounds really angry! Is it a bigone? ... Oh, its two dogs!

PHIL stands, leaving the shot.

PHIL (CONTD)So listen, how far along in theroute are you?

END ACT ONE

10.


12/31

ACT TWO

INT. MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY

PAM enters MICHAELs office, clearly unhappy with what shes

been asked to do.

PAMYou wanted me to let you know whenPhil was out of the bathroom.

MICHAEL stares at PAM blankly.

MICHAEL...And?

[Beat]

PAMHes out!

MICHAEL hops up excitedly and heads towards the door. Stopsto stand in front of PAM.

MICHAELHow do I look?

PAMMichael, hes been in the bathroomfor three minu--

MICHAELYoure not helping!

PAMFine, you look fine.

MICHAELNow do that thing moms do where youlick your fingertips and smooth outmy eyebrows.

PAMAbsolutely not.

As she looks at MICHAEL, it dawns on her.

PAM (CONTD)...Are you wearing makeup?

MICHAELWhat?! No! Its ... its bronzer.

11.


13/31

PAMs not buying it.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Its prescribed, medical bronzer.For a condition.

We watch as Michael rushes out to greet PHIL, whos stillzipping up his pants.

PAM (V.O.)Im not sure Ive ever seen Michaelthis excited about something as heis about Phil.

PAM TALKING HEAD

When he met Gallaghers brother atBed, Bath and Beyond. Maybe alittle more excited for that.

PAM reaches out of frame to grab something off of MICHAELsdesk, its a picture of him with Gallaghers brother, whichshe presents to the camera.

The best part is, hes been playingthe Only Questions gameconstantly to sharpen up his improvskills.

INT. OFFICE/STANLEYS DESK - A FEW DAYS AGO

MICHAEL sneaks up behind STANLEY as he works. From the start,MICHAEL is having trouble coming up with things to say.

MICHAELSo Stanley ... how is ... theworking today?

STANLEYWhat do you need, Michael?

MICHAELDid you need to know ... what ... Ineeded?

STANLEY slowly turns his attention away from his work to lookat MICHAEL.

STANLEYWhat did you need, Michael?

MICHAEL, intimidated, cant come up with anything.

12.


14/31

MICHAELI ... uh ... god youre good!

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM

Im the office champ at OnlyQuestions because pretending yourbaby is kicking until Michael getsdistracted wins every time.

(perhaps just realizingfor the first time)

Oh god ... hes already gotten tomy baby.

INT. THE OFFICE/BREAK ROOM

PHIL gets a snack from the vending machines as KELLY and

OSCAR watch out of earshot.

KELLYI think hes kind of cute! Heslike a moody Topher Grace. Youshould totally ask him out!

OSCARNo, I dont even know if hes gayor --

KELLY leans in closer to OSCAR.

KELLYOh cmon, I thought you ... dontyou just ... know?

(conspiratorial)Dont you ... sense it?

OSCARIm not having this conversation.

PHIL takes a seat near them. KELLY is quieter now, butdefinitely still within PHILs earshot.

KELLYFine, but if youre not careful,youre going to miss out on theAsher to your Eric.

PHILOh, I love Gossip Girl!

13.


15/31

PHIL begins eating his snack, KELLY nods to herself as shegives a sarcastically contemplative Hmmmmm, howinteresting, as she celebrates her rare intellectualvictory.

INT. THE OFFICE/DWIGHTS DESK

Concentrating as though hes performing surgery, DWIGHT dropsa small, bent nail into the clay jar on his desk. ANDY walksbehind him, appears to catch wind of a terrible odor andthrows his hand to cover his nose and mouth.

ANDYOh sweet lord, what is that?

DWIGHTAfter the actor started sniffingaround, I had Mose bring me the

components for an ancient wardagainst charlatans andshapeshifters.

DWIGHT stares knowingly at ANDY, perhaps expecting him toknow exactly whats in the jar. He, of course, does not.

ANDY... So, its --

DWIGHTIts just a clay pot filled withthree bent nails, a pinch of my

hair and a good quart of weekend-aged cow urine.

ANDY is in stunned silence. Just as hes about to respondPHIL approaches the two. Before his brain can register theappropriateness of it, ANDY sings the next thing that he wasgoing to say.

ANDY(to Two Tickets toParadise)

So thats a big bottle of cow pee-pee?

PHIL pauses a half beat then makes an about face and stridesaway. Another beat. DWIGHT has a self-satisfied smile andANDY can not believe that against all odds and reason,DWIGHTs device works.

ANDY (CONTD)Thats incredible!

14.


16/31

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTNo, of course I dont believe inmagical wards. But I do believe ina little thing called tradition.


MICHAEL is obviously on the hunt for something and askinganyone he can find about it.

MICHAELPhyllis, please tell me you havesome mascara.

PHYLLISMichael, why do you need --

MICHAELIts, its for a secret project,manager business. Do you have anyor not?

PHYLLISNo, Im sorry, I --

Though he seemingly expresses his frustration to himself,its loud enough for PHYLLIS to hear.

MICHAEL

Of course, of course who would yoube trying to impress?

PHYLLIS is shocked as MICHAEL moves on. Upon seeing OSCAR, hegives his forehead a Silly me slap.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Oscar, Oscar my stylish friend, ofcourse youll have some secretmanager business mascara?

OSCAR(dumbfounded)

Really? Youre really asking methis?

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

Seemingly almost against his will, OSCAR holds up a tube ofmascara.

15.


17/31

OSCAR (CONTD)Yes, OK, but its not what it lookslike. Sometimes I get grays in myeyebr--

(realizing hes fighting alosing battle)

You know what? Fine. Yes, Michaelhas his finger on the pulse of thegay community. Hes right about usknowing all the actors and hesright about us always carryingaround mascara. Hes like theoffices Perez Hilton, only with aworse haircut. As if thats evenposs--

PHIL knocks on the door frame of the interview room.

PHIL

Hey, oh darn, Im sorry tointerrupt, but Oscar, I was curiousif you were going to come to theshow next weekend?

OSCARI dont know, I --

PHILBecause I asked Michael, and hesaid you --

PHIL looks upwards as if hes trying to remember MICHAELs

words verbatim.

PHIL (CONTD)Wouldnt ever ever miss an eveningat the theater, if you catch mydrift, wink wink --

PHIL, with a smile, turns back to OSCAR, who has clearly beencaught off guard both by MICHAELs insensitivity and by thefact that PHIL appears to be flirting with him.

OSCAR.... God, you know, he knows me sowell.

PHILGreat, Ill see you then. Maybe wecan get some coffee afterwards orsomething?

PHIL leaves, OSCAR stares at the camera as if he doesntquite have the words for the situation.

16.


18/31

INT. THE OFFICE/JIMS DESK - DAY

PHIL tosses himself into a chair near JIMs desk as JIM looksup from his typing.

JIM

Hows the people watching going?

PHILOh great, everybodys been really,really helpful. Stanley pretendedto be asleep and Creed took me tothe stockroom of a Mexican grocerystore--

(with air quotes)-- where the deals get done. butIm pretty sure it was a cockfighting ring.

CREED TALKING HEAD

CREEDHes right. Its a cock fightingring. But its cleanest one in theneighborhood.

INT. THE OFFICE/JIMS DESK - MOMENTS LATER

Sympathetic, JIM plays along with PHIL, trying to lift hisspirits.

JIMSorry man, but you wanted the truthabout sales. You wanted the realdirt. Youve gone deep, Phil,youve gone real deep. But youcant blame me if you dont likethe view.

PHILYoure right, youre right, Ibrought this on myself. So listen,I hate to ask, but would it be OKif I just sort of followed youaround? Im running out of time,and I dont feel like Im anybetter off than I was this morning.

JIM appears hesitant as he considers what PHIL is asking.

17.


19/31

JIMYeah ... no, Ive just, Ive got athing, and then there are someother --

PHIL

Oh yeah, I get it, no problem.

Realizing that he should let JIM get back to work, PHILstarts to stand.

JIM (V.O.)Im just now getting to the pointwhere my job doesnt really, reallydepress me.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM

So I feel like, I dont know,associating it with the sort of jobthat pushed a guy to suicide isntreally productive.

INT. THE OFFICE/JIMS DESK - DAY

Just as PHIL is almost out of earshot, JIM calls him back.

JIMHey Phil, what about Michael? Ifigured hed have sown himself to

you by now or something.

PHILOh hes been very ... enthusiastic.We went through the whole first actwith him playing my part and thenhe had me talk to his boss andpretend to be him. Hes reallygetting in to the character. Theweird thing is, Im pretty sure hehas no idea how the play ends.

JIM has a moment of genuine consideration for MICHAELsfeelings.

JIM... Hey, what do you say we keep itthat way?

PHILYeah, sure, no problem.

18.


20/31

From in front of the conference room door, MICHAEL calls outas the camera moves to him. His hair is very clearly slickedback and, for some reason, hes covering the bottom half ofhis face with a file folder.

MICHAEL

Attention everybody, I need yourattention up here, please. I knowthat we havent been the best hostsfor our guest. He wanted to learnour ways, but instead he gets Andysinging and Dwights jar of deerpee pee.

DWIGHTIts actually cow ur--

MICHAELWhatever, the point is that he

needs a chance to see us as wereally are. (pause) And he can dothat with all of you at once as wego

(triumphantly)inside ...

With a dramatic flourish, Michael moves from in front of thedoor a points to the center where there is nothing. ClearlyMichael was expecting something else to be there.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Dwight, wheres the thing?

DWIGHT begins desperately searching his desk for a piece ofpaper.

DWIGHTI thought you were joking ...

MICHAELIm never joking!

A moment as Dwight scribbles something on a scrap of paperthen in a flash leaps to the door and plants a sign on itlike hed been training to do that exact action for years.

MICHAEL performs the same dramatic action again, but,astoundingly, hes even more dramatic.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Inside ... the actors studio!

19.


21/31

The sign on the door in fact, reads Actors Studio. AsMICHAEL unveils the sign, he also throws down the file folderto reveal that the folder was hiding a James Lipton-esquegoatee drawn from mascara.

[Beat.]

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAMNow that is definitely make-up.

END ACT TWO

20.


22/31

ACT THREE

INT. THE OFFICE/CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

The staff files in to the conference room.

DWIGHT (V.O.)Am I uncomfortable with having tolearn what makes the charlatantick?

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHTYes, of course. Besides it being atotal waste of time, its alsocreepy. But am I intimidated?Never.

DWIGHT pats the pee jar which is now hanging around his neckby a crudely duct taped-on rope.


The staff is almost completely seated, but theyre crammeduncomfortably into the seats lining the walls. DWIGHT isseated in the middle of the room and no one has chosen any ofthe seats surrounding him because of, well, you know. Thesmell.

MICHAEL and PHIL are seated at the front of the room.

PHILThis really isnt necessaryMichael, I havent learned anythingyet today and this isnt going tohelp. Besides, Ive got to head torehearsal really soon --

MICHAELYeah, I get it.

PHIL mistakes MICHAEL saying he gets it for actually gettingit and he begins to stand.

PHILOh thanks so much, I --

MICHAELYoure worried Im going to ask alot of questions about yourpersonal life, right?

21.

(MORE)


23/31

Well, this is the actors studio.Were all about craft here.

MICHAEL and his mascara beard lean in closely .

MICHAEL (CONTD)

By the way, this is all greatstuff, you should really save itfor the interview.

MICHAEL begins speaking to the staff in his James Liptonvoice, its beyond bizarre.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Ladies and gentlemen, our guesttonight ... Mr. Phil Sullivan.

MICHAELs obviously begging for it, but no one claps, savefor OSCAR.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAMMichaels James Lipton voice.

She has to take just a moment to word it exactly right.

Its a combination of AustinPowers, Dame Judi Dench and loud.Basically ... he nailed it.


MICHAEL holds some blue index cards aloft.

MICHAELI will now read from the famousquestions ... by the interviewerwho we all know ... about.


(Yes, hes still wearing the beard.)

MICHAEL (CONTD)I actually could not remember thename of guy who came up with thequestions James Lipton alwaysreads.

22.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)


24/31

INT. THE OFFICE/MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY

A shot from earlier in the day. We see MICHAEL flippingthrough magazines as he paints on his beard.

MICHAEL

So I put the ones I sort ofremembered on note cards and justcut the rest out of a quiz I foundin a Cosmo from the break room.

We watch MICHAEL, still beard painting, cut something from amagazine and affix it to a card.


MICHAELQuestion 1: Whats the coolest

place to take a crush on your firstdate?


MICHAEL (CONTD)Teen Cosmo.


MICHAELWhen summers over, are you bummed

classes are starting up again orexcited to hit the halls?

PHIL(bewildered)

Why would I be going back toclasses?

MICHAEL has begun to realize that his Cosmo strategy waspoorly thought out, at best.

MICHAELNevermind, uhh...

MICHAEL flips through the index cards, trying to find asuitable one.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Oh, here we go. What actress wouldyou most like to work with?

23.


25/31

PHILOK, thats a good one. Uhh, I guessmaybe Meryl Streep, I love her, or...

MICHAEL is clearly displeased, as he illustrates with a

little blech and a face as if hes just eaten somethingbitter.

PHIL (CONTD)What?

MICHAELShes just a little old, right? Whywouldnt you want someone a littlemore ... you know. You know! Youveheard the backstage stories.

MICHAEL remembers his early assumption that PHIL is gay.

MICHAEL (CONTD)I guess I understand it for you,but if Im going to get some behind-the-scenes nasty its going to bewith Kristen Bell or that girl fromthe Orbitz commercial,knowhatimsayin!?

MICHAEL goes for a high five that is not returned. JIM leansover to talk quietly to PAM.

JIM

Did you know Inside the ActorsStudio was actually originallytitled Behind the Scenes Nasty?

PAMI did not know that!

JIMIts true.

PHIL has clearly had enough, which he illustrates bybeginning to stand.

PHILListen, Ive really got to getgoing, I --

MICHAELOK, just a few more questions.Really quick.

MICHAEL finds a new note card. Reluctantly, PHIL sits.

24.


26/31

MICHAEL (CONTD)Right, so, Phil. If you could haveany job other than your own, whatwould it be?

PHIL

Gosh, Id never really thoughtabout it. Im really enjoyingacting though.

MICHAEL(hoping he misheard)

Excuse me?

PHILYeah, its actually been a lot offun. Honestly though, Im not sureId ever want to stop being an EMT.

MICHAELYou mean youre not an actor?

PHIL(with a small laugh)

Oh wow, no. I drive an ambulance.Im excited to try acting though.

MICHAEL(totally aghast now)

To TRY it?

PHIL

Yeah, I was pretty surprised to getthe lead my first time out. MaybeIve got a knack for it, I dontknow. You have any more questions?

MICHAELNo, I --

MICHAEL is defeated and totally reluctant, but his duty tothe bit propels him to read one last card.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Whats your favorite curse word?

Unprompted, MEREDITH volunteers her favorite from her seat onthe wall. Its bleeped out (quite a long bleep, actually) butwhatever she said is vulgar enough to stun everyone intototal silence.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD WITH JIM

25.


27/31

MICHAELs beard has been hastily wiped off, but its stillfairly evident.

MICHAEL (CONTD)Its the oldest story inTinseltown. You bring someone into

your life -- they promise theyregoing to help you take your craftto the next level --

JIMI dont think he ever--

INT. THE OFFICE/BATHROOM - DAY

PHIL checks his outfit in the mirror.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

And you dont see them for whatthey are --

EXT. THE OFFICE/PARKING LOT

PHIL climbs into his ambulance and drives away.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD WITH JIM

JIMSomeone who drives sick people tothe hospital.

MICHAELA monster. Now Im faced with thedecision of whether or not I shouldsee this traitor, this phoney inthe play, or miss the performancethat I inspired.

JIMAnd Pams sets, those too.

MICHAELYes Jim, that ... that goes withoutsaying. The point is that no matterwhich choice I make, my heartbreaks. Its like that movie ...oh, what was it?

JIMYou cant mean Sophies Choice, canyou?

26.


28/31

MICHAELNo, no ... the one with KristenBell.

(it comes to him)When in Rome!

JIMAhh.

INT. THE THEATER - NIGHT

Though their conversation is inaudible, DWIGHT is animatedlyarguing with an usher who is obviously concerned about thejar hanging from Dwights neck. Eventually, DWIGHT and theusher reach some sort of agreement and DWIGHT walks back intothe lobby. Cut to the balcony, where DWIGHT, pleased withhimself, is seated alone in the front row.

The show begins, we see OSCAR, PAM, JIM and MICHAEL areseated near the front. MICHAEL does not look pleased to bethere. OSCAR leans across to PAM.

OSCAR(whispering)

The sets look fantastic!

PAM(also whispering)

Thanks! I cant believe they lookexactly like I drew them.

Overhearing her excitement, JIM wraps an arm around PAM. Itsat that moment that they hear PHIL as Willy Loman make hisentrance. The same look of complete shock crosses both JIMand PAMs faces. Cut to the stage where PHIL IS Michael. Fromthe hair to the mannerisms to the prosthetics, theresemblance is beyond uncanny.

Back in the audience, PAM and JIM still look as if they cantbelieve what theyre seeing. OSCAR, understandably, looksrepulsed. MICHAEL is taking interest for the first time.

INT. THE THEATER - LATER

The first act ends, house lights come up and MICHAEL leaps tohis feet with applause and wolf whistles.

INT. THE LOBBY - INTERMISSION


27.


29/31

MICHAEL(visibly excited)

I just ... that was just ... wow.You know, when he told me he was anamateur, I thought that there wasnothing Phil could teach me, but I

was wrong. Because tonight Ilearned that my life is alreadyexactly like one of the theatricaltriumphs of, well, forever. I amliving the triumph!

INT. THE THEATER/LOBBY

We watch as MICHAEL gets his coat from the coat check.

MICHAEL (V.O.)I couldnt wait to see the rest,

but Pam and Jim tell me its veryfashionable to leave a show afterthe first act to go get pizza. Sothats what were doing.


MICHAELI did go ahead and make Jim tell mehow it ends though and ...

(close to tears)I just hope that, when my timecomes, I go like Willy Loman does:

Rescuing my wife, children and petsfrom a burning building.

We zoom out to show JIM standing just to the side behindMICHAEL. JIM holds his finger to his lips making theuniversal sign for Shh, dont tell him anything.

INT. THE THEATER/LOBBY - LATER

The show has ended. The lobby is still full of audiencemembers filing to their cars. OSCAR has gotten his coat andis pretty clearly preparing to leave. Before he can make itto the door however, he is excitedly stopped by PHIL, whosstill in his Michael outfit.

PHILSo, you ready to go get thatcoffee?

28.


30/31

OSCAR stares at PHIL/MICHAEL for a few moments beforedeciding that he just cant do it, the image of PHIL asMichael has just been burned into his head too deeply.

OSCARIm ... Im sorry. This is really

hard --

PHIL(channeling Michael)

Heh, thats what she said.

OSCAR, deciding he cant even be there long enough to explainhimself, hurriedly strides to the door, leaving PHIL standingbehind looking puzzled.

EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE THEATER DOORS - NIGHT

Its snowing, clearly bitterly cold as OSCAR talks with thecamera.

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

OSCARI mean, dont get me wrong, the gaycommunity in Scranton is small. ...Its just not that small.

OSCAR glances through the glass doors of the theater to seethat PHIL has resumed talking to his fans.

OSCAR (CONTD)(defensive)

Besides, you know, Michael saysthat according to Teen Cosmo hes atotal flirt-a-holic. So, I mean ...thats just science.

Long pause as OSCAR considers his situation.

END ACT THREE

29.


31/31

TAG

EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE THEATER DOORS - NIGHT

DWIGHT, having just left the theater, stands outside updating

his Twitter feed on his phone [1/2 c. Popcorn. No Butter.]though the action is a bit cumbersome thanks to his pee jarnecklace. As he leaves the theater, PHIL spots DWIGHT.

PHILDwight, hey, seriously, thanks somuch for coming.

PHIL continues to stand near DWIGHT with his hand on hisshoulder. DWIGHT slowly raises the pot up higher, confusedwhy it has no effect.

PHIL (CONTD)

... Huh. Well, goodnight.

DWIGHT mumbles some sort of unintelligible good-bye.Confused, PHIL walks away. A long moment as PHIL leaves earshot. DWIGHT, frustrated at his wards ineffectiveness,angrily tosses it on the ground without thinking.

DWIGHTUseless!

The jar shatters on the cement out of frame. Theres half abeat as the odor wafts up to him before DWIGHT covers hisnose and runs away before he is sick.

END OF EPISODE

30.

character study - an office spec script

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