intro to outros (community spec script)

8/13/2019 Intro to Outros (Community Spec Script)

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COMMUNITY

Intro to Outros

Episode #501

Written by

Jeffrey Helton


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Cold Open

FADE IN:

INT. STUDY ROOM MORNING

A room alive with jabber. The study group is sharingstoriesperhaps of salacious escapades, perhaps of somethingmore innocent. Its never quite clear.

BRITTA is wrapping up a tale, almost self-conscious.

BRITTASo yeah, thats my story.

ANNIE blushes yet seems impressed. TROY giggles. SHIRLEY, onthe other hand...

SHIRLEY

Thats... nice. But I do hope allthose young men got back to workingon that habitat. You know, for thesake of hu-man-it-y...

(under her breath)which tests me more and more eachday.

ABED enters, his movements more mechanical and lacklusterthan usual.

TROY(already nostalgic)

That was a good story.

As Abed sits, Troy faces him.

TROYMan, Id hate to go my whole lifewithout hearing that story. Wouldntyou, Abed?

No reply.

TROY

My soul would figurativelybe usedtoilet paper if I had only caughtthe tail-end of that story just now.

He glares at Abed, putting pressure on himor is he puttingpressure on the fourth wall?

Nothing from Abed. Nothing.


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ANNIE(tentatively)

Abed?

SHIRELYAbed, sweetie, are you okay?

Abeds eyes are dark vortexes.

BRITTAI think... I think hes depressed.

TROY(continuing)

I would literally kill myself if I

BRITTATroy, shut it.

TROYWait... Why?

Abed re-activates.

ABEDNo, Britta, its fine. Troy, Iappreciate what youre trying to dohere, even if breaking the fourthwall was probably unintentional.

Troy counts the roomswalls under his breath.

TROYThank you...?

ABEDIve just been gazing too long intowhat Friedrich Nietzsche termed theabyss. Hes like a real-life LexLuthor, except instead of Superman,his nemesis was syphilis.

ANNIEWhats that?

SHIRLEY(too sweetly)

Ask Britta.

Brittas unfazed.

ANNIEI meant the abyss.


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ABEDWell, in laymans terms, it meansIm feeling down in the dumps.

TROY(snickering)

He said dumps.

BRITTATroy!

TROYIts a joke, Britta! My best friendis sad, and Im trying to crush thesad with joy. You wouldntunderstand.

Shirley nods in agreement.

TROYI hate seeing Abed like this. Nooffense, buddy.

Abed shrugs. Whatever.

TROYSee! I dontwant to live in a worldwhere Abed doesn't find me funny.You guys stopped laughing a longtime ago, but Ivealways had Abed.

(in remembrance)And Pierce, too, I guess.

ANNIE(venturing)

I think he was laughing for thewrong reasons.

BRITTA(wrangling them up)

The point is, theres no reasontobe down, Abed. Youre graduating atthe end of the year. Lifes justbeginning!

ABEDThats the thing. I dont want tograduate.

SHIRLEYSweetie, were all afraid tograduate.


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ANNIEThe futures always going to beuncertain, but look at Jeff. Hessurvived his first week of teaching.

BRITTA

And if Jeff Winger can teach Ethicsthen anything is possible.

A beat.

SHIRLEYAbed, are you scared of sayinggoodbye to all of us?

ABEDNo, that should be fine. Genuinesentimentality with just a dash ofdetached irony. Thats cool. Its

what happens next that scares me.The cut to black. The final rollingof the credits. Executive ProducerVince Gilligan.

SHIRLEYAbed...

TROY(I got this)

Hes still worked up over theending of Breaking Bad.

An impassioned Troy shakes Abeds shoulders.

TROYSix seasons and a movie, buddy.Six seasons and a movie!

SHIRLEY(this again?)

Life isnt a TV show, Abed. If itwas, wed be surrounded by a cast ofoutlandish characters withexaggerated personalities.

DEAN PELTON passes by the door of the study room garbed in asquirrel costume. Hes on a freakinmission, only wigglinghis fingers at the group to say hello before vanishing.

SHIRLEYHell-o, Dean Pelton!

Abed cocks his head at Shirley, as if to say: Really?


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JEFF enters the room. Despite his concern with appearance,hes not quite rockingthe professorial look. He crashesinto his chair, seemingly distracted.

ANNIEJeff, Jeff! Rouse Abed into action

with a speech.

Jeffs still mentally faraway. Helooks torn, like he canttell if someone has shit in his cereal or if these are justthe same old raisins.

BRITTAYeah, come on, Mr. Winger. Give usa lecture.

JEFF(becoming lucid)

Im sorry... Why?

Troys like a little kid about to wet himself, growing moreand more panicked by the syllable.

TROYCuz Abeds convinced that life ismeaningless and that theres nopoint to anything and that theresa real-life Lex Luthor and that Imnot funny.

JEFF(shrugging)

Well?

Everyone but Abed leans towards Jeff, awaiting wisdom.

JEFFSounds about right.

They all collapse in defeat. Abed gives the fourth-wall aknowing nod.

Act One

INT. HALLWAY MORNING

Jeff snakes his way through students that clog the arteriesof Greendales hallways. Brittas in pursuit.

Jeff pauses at a water fountain and toys with the button fora second without drinking. He pulls out his cell phone justas Britta catches up with him.


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BRITTA(re: the phone)

And there he is. G-eoffrey with fourGs. The Jeff that I know and love.

Jeff glances up from his phone, lifting an eyebrow.

BRITTAIts... a figure of speech.I

JEFFMy dad had a heart attack.

Britta stops in her tracks. The awkwardness dissipates, andshe embraces Jeff, who isnt entirely unreceptive.

BRITTAOh God... Seriously?

JEFFI dont think its afigure ofspeech. Its either real, or heshad acting lessons since hisThanksgiving performance. Thedoctors are pretty convinced.

BRITTAJeff, Im so, so sorry.

She releases him.

JEFFWilly Jr. called this morning, andI was just about to text him formy dads room number.

Britta seems surprised. Jeff finishes up a text.

BRITTAJeff, I think its really sweet andmature of you to visit him, givenhow poorly things went onThanksgiving.

JEFFThank you.

A beat.

JEFFAfter all, that bastard owes meclosure.


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BRITTAMaybe its not my place to say, butif you really want closure, youmight want to learn some terms ofendearment.

JEFFI gave up on learning the day Ibecame a teacher.

Britta shakes her head, giving him a sad smile.

JEFFAnyway, Im going to head over thereafter I met with one of my students.

BRITTAPreferred gender pronoun?

JEFFShe.

BRITTAAlright. Well, I hope things go okaywith your dad. And keep it in yourfinely-tailored pants, Mr. Winger!

He moves down the hallway.

JEFF(shouting)

Anything else would be unethical.

INT. CAFETERIA NOON

A morose Troy is being served by a nondescript LUNCH LADY.Troy notices a clock on the back wall and perks up.

TROYHey, lunch lady, whatd the hungrytime traveler do?

The lunch lady glares.

TROYHe went back four seconds.

He cracks himself up. She directs him away from the line.

TROY(under his breath)

Damn.

Troy joins with Abed and CHANG at a small table.


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TROYHey Kevin.

CHANGI already told you; Im Chang again.Kevin was a regrettable fad. Taking

something that everyone loved andputting a weird spin on it. Ibrought Chang back to bring thelove back.

TROY(whatever)

Cool story, Kevin.

Chang drops his head, sad eyes staring into a bowl of soup.

TROYAbed, you promise that youre just

depressed and actually think Imfunny?

ABEDYep.

TROY(phew)

Then why didnt you laugh at allthis morning?

Abed forces a long, soulless laugh, his eyes never blinking.Once hes done...

TROYAbed... Never do that again, okay?

ABEDAnything for you, Troy.

CHANGId be depressed too if I livedoff-campus but still ate cafeteriafood.

TROYYou do live off-campus.

CHANG(nonchalantly)

It was a cry for help.


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INT. PHILOSOPHY CLASSROOM AFTERNOON

PROFESSOR PLUMLEE, a flaccid bobblehead of a man, lectureson existentialism. A lesson on futility from futilityincarnate. Abed takes notes.

PROFESSOR PLUMLEEAnd so we end with a stirring quoteby Bertrand Russell. All of thelabor of all of the ages, all thedevotion, all the inspiration, allthe noonday brightness of humangenius are destined to extinction.So now, my friends, if that is true,and it is, what is the point?

The professor has inflected the last sentence as if its agenuine questionas if the quote has yet to end. Abed stopstaking notes, awaiting some mind-blowing answer. Professor

Plumlee inhales as if to speak... and leaves.

ABED(deadpan)

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Abed slings a backpack over his shoulders and exits.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CLASSROOM AFTERNOON

Abed moves through the hallway, failing to notice Annie, whoseems to have been waiting for him.

ANNIE(chasing him)

Abed! Abed, wait!

He freezes and faces her. Annies balancing a few binders inher hands.

ABEDHey Annie.

ANNIEIve been waiting for you.

ABEDHowd you know where to find me?

ANNIEOh!

Annie precariously moves a binder from the middle of thestack to the top. She opens the binderdiagrams and graphsin plastic sleeves.


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ANNIE

I keep track of all of our schedulesso that I can see where our freetime overlaps. Like these cutesleeves, friendship is all about

transparency.

Abed cocks his head like an alien Chihuahua.

ABEDWhy do you have a section ofprobability curves for times thatJeff may be hitting the gym.

Annie slams the binder shut.

ANNIE(anyway!)

Philosophy, huh? I wish I had timeto explore classes outside of mymajor.

ABEDSurprisingly, its an integral partof the film major, at least ifif youre doing the Avant-Gardeconcentration. Im not,but itseemed thematically relevant.

ANNIETotally...!

ABEDPlus, my dads paying for it becausehe thinks it has something to dowith falafels.

A beat.

ANNIEAbed, I want to be here for you.After my adderall addiction, I wasleft with nothing but a sizeable

collection of electronica and mydepression. I know how you feel.

ABEDWhatd you do?

ANNIE(well...)

I relapsed. But after that, Ichanneled all my darkness and chaos


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into a collage.

ABEDI should make a collage?

ANNIE

No.

ABEDI should do adderall?

ANNIENo! Abed, Im just saying... Maybejust try to do something creative,maybe with film?

Abed seems skeptical. Annie gives him a pat on the arm,satisfied with herself.

ANNIEThis doesnt have to be the end,buddy.

She leaves. Abed starts to move, but...

ABEDDoesnt have to be the end...

He darts down the hallway.

INT. GREENDALE HOSPITAL GIFT SHOP AFTERNOON

Jeff stands at a wall of get well soon cards.Everythingstoo tacky or crude or sickly sentimental. A female CLERKpokes her head around the corner of the aisle.

CLERKEverything okay over here?

JEFFHi, excuse me. Im looking forsomething that says, Congrats onnot being dead, I guess.

CLERKOoh, one second!

She motions for Jeff to follow her to the front, and hecomplies. The clerk ducks behind the counter, fishing aroundfor something. She emerges with a large card: CONGRATS ONNOT BEING DEAD, I GUESS.

CLERKWill this do?


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JEFFI was speaking a little moremetaphorically, but sure.

He hands her some cash.

INT. GREENDALE HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM AFTERNOON

Large card in hand, Jeff emerges from an elevator and into awaiting area. His brother, WILLY JR., stands a few yardsaway, conversing with a doctor. Willy Jr.s back is to Jeff.

JEFFHey, Willy Jr., point me to the oldoxygen thief.

Jr. turns around, tears in his eyes. Some pain seems to havecontorted his face into that of a sad, sad clown.

WILLY JR.Bro, daddys dead!

He rushes at Jeff and embraces him.

JEFFHuh...

Behind his back, Jeff fails horribly at crumpling up theunwieldy card.

Act Two

INT. STUDY ROOM MORNING

The members of the study group speak in hushed tones.

ANNIEIts so... sudden. What do we do?

SHIRLEYI say we leave him be. When my Mamadied, all I had was myself and thedear Lord aboveand anyone whointerrupted us had hell to pay.

Abed is taking notes, always glancing at whoevers speaking.

TROY(exaggerated whisper)

Why are we only now using ourinside voices in the library?

Britta pulls out her phone and begins texting.


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BRITTAOkay, as much as Jeff will hate it,hes going to need oursupport rightnow.

She sends the text. Immediately, Jeff enters, phone in hand.

SHIRLEYThat was quick.

Jeff looks away from his phone. Hes surprised to see her.

JEFF(holding up his phone)

Yes, but now that I see this ruse ofa text message for what it is, Ithink Ill be going. And Britta

(reading from the phone)if your idea of winky-facephysical

therapydoes somehow involveeveryone in this room, well, thatsa party invite Im going to haveto decline?

Everyone looks at Britta, and she shrugs; gotta do whatyouve gotta do.

ANNIEJeff, death is not an easy thing tocope with. Were worried about you.

JEFFWell, Ivebeen chatting upProfessorv Rainwater at theteachers lounge,and maybe youshould be worrying about yourStatistics grade instead. I neverpegged you as one to settle foraverage.

Annie gasps.

ANNIEThats mean!

JEFFCorrect, actually.

TROY(hold up...)

Teachers lounge? Thatsnot justsomething from TV shows?


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Jeff turns to leave, bumping into the Dean, who wears aslapdash Darth Vader costumebasically a black dress withone of those weird Halloween masks with the tensile strengthof tinfoil.

DEAN PELTON

(groping Jeff by accident)Sorry Jeffrey!

Jeff pulls away, disgruntled.DEAN PELTON

Im just going around and recruitingfolks for Greendales back-to-schooltalent show. Dress rehearsal istoday, actually.

BRITTABecause theres no better way tostart the semester than by casting

judgment on your students andpitting them against one another!

DEAN PELTON(sincerely)

Well, yeah, thats how I pitched it,too.

(changing gears)What do you say, Jeffrey? You lookto be a man of many talents, some ofthem, Im sure, talent showappropriate.

JEFFIm going to go with, No.

The Dean looks bummed.

SHIRLEYWill you be participating, Dean?

DEAN(cheering up)

Yes, actually. A few years ago,there was a bit of a custodial

mix-up, and I ended up locked inthe theater broom closet with somecast members of Avenue Q. Needlessto say, when I emerged, I was quitethe thespian.

A beat. Jeff looks around the room, his expression seems toask: Too easy?


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DEAN PELTONAnyway, Im going to be performinga famous monologue from the BardGeorge Lucas Empire Strikes Back.I threw the costume together fromsome stuff in my closet.

JEFFNo kidding.

The Dean shows off his Darth Vader impression, apparentlynever having seen Star Wars. He speaks in a stereotypicalrobo-voice, complete with jerky arm motions.

DEAN PELTONJeffrey Winger, I am your father.

A dismayed Abed stops taking notes for just a moment.

JEFF

(matter-of-factly)Thats... not true. Thatsimpossible.

The reference saved, Abed nods happily and writes once more,Annie taking quiet notice. Jeff leaves.

DEAN PELTONWhat crawled into his fruit of thelooms?

TROY(dopey laugh)

He said fruit.

Troys ignored, to his dismay.

SHIRLEYDean, Jeffs dad just died.

The Dean quietly removes his Vader mask, pulling up theblack veil of his dress respectfully.

DEAN PELTONWhat have I dean?

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY MORNING

The study group exits the library, the members to bedispersed all across the campus. Annies off on her own,binders in hand, until Abed catches up with her. Shes happyto see himhopeful for his recovery.

ANNIEHey. What were you working on in


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there?

ABEDA screenplay.

ANNIE

Abed, thats awesome! Im gladyou're taking my advice. Were youso inspired that you just hadtowrite right then or what?

ABEDActually, I was transcribingdialogue to get a better feel forthe voices of all of my characters.

He rapidly opens his notebook and begins writing.

ABED

Write right then, a little clunky,but adorably idiosyncratic.

ANNIEOh, okay...

ABEDAnyway, Annie, I was wondering ifyou happened to have Kevinsschedule in that binder.

ANNIEWhy?

ABEDIts cool if you dont. I know thathe's still a peripheral character inour group, despite what anyone saysto the contrary.

She hesitates.

ABEDWell, Ill see you later.

He starts off, but

ANNIEAbed, wait. I do have Kevinsschedule. Here it is.

She pulls out her binder and flips it open to a page. Shehesitates again.


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ANNIEYou dont think Im crazy do you?

ABEDI think youre cool.

He leans forward to study the Changs schedule.

ABEDCool.

Hes off.

INT. JEFFS OFFICE - MORNING

Jeffs hunched over his desk, scrawling words with a pencilthen scratching them out, again and again. His office isneat, professional, and minimal. The only hint of flair is abottle of scotch on the desk, right in the open.

Britta storms into the room.

BRITTA(listen up!)

Jeff, sooner or later, youre goingto have to come to terms with yoursymptoms of bereavement. And Irealize your head retired to thetorrid climate of your ass yearsago, but if you could step intoreality for just a minute, youd seethat we all just want to give you alittle bit sympathy and warmth.

She slaps the pencil out of his hand.

BRITTADo you have a problem with sympathyand warmth?!?

Jeff breathes. Hes calm.

JEFFSymptoms of bereavement... Was that

in a textbook somewhere?

BRITTA(proudly)

Will be someday.

Jeff leans over to retrieve the pencil.

JEFFWell, Lieutenant Perry, youll be


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happy to learn that I am attemptingto deal with... things right now.

BRITTA(gotcha!)

Are you writing a letter for your

dad? For closure? I knew you cared!

JEFFSo do not!

BRITTAScore one for Lieutenant Perry.

JEFFActually, my step-brother requestedthat I speak at our dads wake,because Im cool with words andstuffhis words and stuff, not

mine.

Britta tries to peek at the paper.

BRITTAWell? Hows it going?

JEFF(yanking the paper away)

The words... arent so good. And mydad and I, we dont really have anystuff to speak of, so Im justleft with cool, and Ive alwayshad that.

He pauses.

JEFFBritta, Im really ata standstillhere.

Britta reaches out to the bottle of scotch.

BRITTACant you lose your job over this?

JEFFIts therein case I dolose my job.

BRITTA(sighing)

Jeff, what you need right now issome fresh air, and I know a perfectplace where you can go and get somewriting done.


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JEFF

Lieutenant or hippie?Non-contradiction, yet another lawthat you refuse to obey.

BRITTA(motioning to the door)Come on! Lets go.

With reluctance, Jeff rises.

INT. STUDY ROOM - NOON

LEONARD kicks open the study rooms door, paintball gun inhand. He backs into the dimly lit room, aiming the gun outat... something, out there in the great beyond. Is thisdementia or something more?

LEONARD(to himself)

No sign of the Annie-droids.

Content that hes safe, he turns to the iconic study table.Jewels line its perimeter. At the tables center is Chang,who lies on the wood in a blobby flesh-tone suit that makeshim look like a man-raisin.

CHANG(meekly)

Hello, old friend.

LEONARDKevin, Ive almost assembled theseven seven-sided dice of destiny.

He grimaces; what a mouthful.

LEONARDOnce thats done we can

CHANGNo. Jeff, its far too dangerous.

(coughing)

Running... out of... time.

Leonard gazes towards the door then back to Chang.

LEONARDImpossible. The wolverdeanslost my scent hours ago.

CHANGNo, Jeff. Imrunning out of time.


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Im not strong enough to hold on.

Leonard tenderly places his hand on Changs forehead.

LEONARDDo you remember anything more about

that day... the day this all began?

CHANGNo, the Changnesia, its still toopowerful.

LEONARDIf only we could unlock the secretsof this convoluted mind of yours,maybe we could end this carnageendthe Thousand Semester War, thegreatest conflict of

Abed, who has been filming this entire exchange from thecorner, finally speaks up. The cinematic illusion ends.

ABEDOne second. Kevin, could you changeyour body position just a littlebit?

CHANG(sighs)

We already went over this.

ABEDRight. Sorry. I thought we weredoing this in character. Chang,could you Chang your body positionjust a little bit?

CHANGThank you. And yes.

Chang, whos basically immobile, shuffles a little in hissuit. A beat. He unintentionally reverts to his originalposition.

CHANGOne question. Why does Leonard getto play Jeff?

ABED(shrugs)

Hes got the right build for thepart.

Leonard gives Chang a look that says, Damn straight.


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CHANG

Abed, that Burger King lunch datebetter be worth all this.

Abed gives him a thumbs up from behind the camera.

ABEDAction.

INT. GREENDALES BASKETBALL GYM AFTERNOON

Greendale folks are rehearsing for the looming talent show.A measly line of participants rings the gymnasium. Evenfewer people watch from the bleachers.

Troy currently stands midcourt, a microphone in hand. As hespeaks, he paces back and forth in front of a stool.

TROYLets try this one more time... Whywas seven afraid of six?

A beat. People stare on apathetically.

TROYCuz six was known for getting even.

No reaction.

TROY(too intensely)

I guess you guys just dont likestand-up...

He sits on the stool.

TROYBut do you like sit-down?

He flashes a shit-eating grin. No reaction save forcricketsliteral crickets. One of the talents in line,garbed in circus attire, is attempting to urge a cricketthrough a miniature flaming hoop.

TROYCome on, man!

Troy throws the microphone down and storms away and... Hesback. He picks the microphone up once more.

TROY(hysterical)

I cant believe Im missing my BK


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lunch date for this!

EXT. A CAMPUS FOUNTAIN AFTERNOON

Jeff sits at a bench beside a fountain. Hes writing hisheart out as Britta and Shirley approach.

SHIRLEYHello, Jeffrey! We just wanted tocome and check on you. Britta wasjust saying that you decided to letthe natural world inspire you.

JEFFOh yeah. Behold my Walden.

He gestures at the fountain, ancient and unmaintained.

JEFF

Im pretty sure its now a rest stopfor vagrant hacky sackers.

BRITTA(leaning in)

Despite the sarcasm, it looks likeyou're really getting some work donethere.

He stops writing.

JEFFTo be perfectly honest... I thinkthese are Michelle Branch lyrics.Ive never listened to MichelleBranch.

BRITTACome on, it cant be that bad.

She snatches up Jeffs notebook and reads.

BRITTA(whoa...)

I used to listen to The Spirit

Room like... fifty times acycle when puberty kicked in, andthis is uncanny.

JEFFWell, thats... just great.

He takes the book back from her and closes it with finality.


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SHIRLEYJeffrey, why is this so hard?

JEFFI just didnt know my dad all thatwell, so its hard to say anything

of substance about him, especiallysomething nice. I had to call WillyJr. to do a little research, and Iactually learned something about mydad. He once weaseled his way into aHollywood party and convinced aninebriated Christian Bale that hehe was his real father, so thatssomething, right?

BRITTAJeff, youre going about this allwrong. Your dads wake isnt a

history paper. There is no right orwrong answer. Its more likeliterary analysis.

SHIRLEYBrittas right.

JEFF(she is?)

Do explain.

SHIRLEYWell, you cant use another personswords and expect any kind ofclosure.

BRITTAYeah, what matters is that whateveryou say comes from the heartyourheart, to be more specific.

Jeff reopens the notebook, glancing at his words. A momentof optimism as Shirley and Britta await a response, but

JEFF

Yeah, this heart turned into a huska long time ago. I think Im goingto do what I always do.

An expectant look from the others.

JEFFIm going to wingit. Pun intenActually, I take that back. I do notwant to be the next Chang.


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(mulligan)Im going... to improvise.

Act 3

INT. CHURCH SANCTUARY MORNING

Folks pour into the sanctuary to honor the life of WilliamWinger. Britta, Annie, and Shirley sit at the back of theroom.

Troy enters, looking solemn in an all-black suit. He slidesdown the pew to sit beside Britta.

BRITTA(butchered British accent)

Why hello there, Mr. Bond.

Troys face is stone-cold.

BRITTATroy, whats wrong?

TROYSorry, Britta. This is a somberoccasion and is not the time to becracking wisely.

BRITTAAre you... serious?

TROYAs a heart attack.

A crying WOMAN in the pew ahead of them turns around,aghast.

TROY(sincerely)

Thats... a figure of speech.Therewas truly nothing I could do.

Britta glares at him.

INT. CHURCH BACKSTAGE MORNING

Jeffs backstage, looking more than a little anxious. Aftera breath, he glances out at the crowd amassed in thesanctuary.

JEFF(under his breath)

Surely these people all came hereto rejoice.


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Theres an unusual amount of young kids in the church.

JEFF(cackling)

Ding-dong! The witch is dead.

Suddenly, Willy Jr. is right behind Jeff, taking him bysurprise.

WILLY JR.(glancing at the crowd)

Ah, yeah. Dads been volunteeringwith the YMCA for the past fewyears. He helped coach the footballteam. I guess these are all thefamilies that he affected.

JEFFVolunteering with the YMCA? If Iwere you, I probably would mentionedthat when I was interviewing youabout dads accomplishments earlier.

WILLY JR.(struggling with pronouns)

If... I were... And you? Earlier?

JEFF(wait a minute)

So youre telling me that our absentfather, the same father who deprivedus of the rite of passage known asplaying catch, has been tossingthe pigskin around with what lookslike the entire fanbase of Zach andCody? The suite life is far fromit.

WILLY JR.(demurely)

Well, he played catch with me.

A beat. Willy Jr. embraces Jeff awkwardly.

WILLY JR.Jeff, I just want you to know howmuch this means to me.

JEFFIts not a big deal.


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WILLY JR.It is. Its like... My heart isfilled with all these feels. Likemy hearts just going to explodefrom all this love gunk inside ofit.

He releases Jeff and laughs to himself quietly.

WILLY JR.Guess I take after dad in that way.

He walks off to join everyone else in the sanctuary.

WILLY JR.(getting distant)

Dont let me down, bro!

Jeff stares off, the cogs of his mind turning.

INT. CHURCH SANCTUARY MORNING

Abed arrives just in time, quickly setting up his camerabehind the pews where the gang sits.

SHIRLEYAbed, I know youre not familiarwith church etiquette, but we dontfilm this sort of thing.

Abed is barely paying attention, adjusting his tripod.

ABEDOh, well, Im just filming aflashback scene for my movie.

SHIRLEY(condescending cadence)

One more time?

ABEDIn order for the Jeff character tolater realize his potential as abionic weapon of mass destruction,

he must suffer through some kind ofimmense personal tragedy. Itscalled foreshadowing.

BRITTAAbed, what?

ABEDAnnie encouraged me to work throughmy existential crisis with


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creativity, and I decided that aslong as I create the rest of ourstory, our universe can never end.

He leans in close, as if sharing a profound secret.

ABEDNo one has to graduate.

TROYWait, so Jeffs going to go fromEthics professor to bionic bad-butt?

ABEDMmhmm.

TROYWhoa... But what happens to me? Imgonna be around forever, right?

Abeds eyes go wide.

ABEDSpoilers, Troy.

Troy looks disconcerted.

ABED(mostly to himself)

Im sure youll be back for themovie.

Annie interjects

ANNIEAbed, you know that this is not whatI had in mind, right? Not evenclose.

Abed ignores Annie and finishes setting up. Finally, Jeffcrosses the sanctuarys stage.

ABEDOh, here comes the leading man now.

As the room quiets down...

ABEDAction!

Jeff now stands at the podium, looking around quizzicallyfor the source of Abedsexclamation. No luck. Better getthis over with.


29/33

JEFFFirst of all, thank you all forcoming. I really did not onceimagine my fathers passing causingmore than a ripple for the rest ofthe world. Really.

Sad faces throughout the church.

JEFFBut as I look out at you all, mostof you seem more affected by thisthan even I am, and Im supposedto be Williams son. Does that seemright to anyone?

In the back, Abed zooms in on Jeffs face.

ABED

(to himself)And the Oscar goes to...

Jeff continues.

JEFFI wasnt really sure how to beginthis speech or eulogy or whateveryou want to call it. You see, my dadand I, our relationship never had abeginning. We met one time and atea severely lacking Thanksgivingmeal. That was that.

In the crowd, Willy Jr. tears up.

JEFFAnd now our relationship has againcome to a close. I couldnt conceiveof how to begin this speech becauseour time together has always beenabout endings. I was so desperate tofind some kind of closure in theaftermath of his death, but lifedoesnt always offer you closure,

gift-wrapped and easily digested.Sometimes you have to work for it.Even then, it might never come. Noone is owed the ending they want.

At the back, Abed backs away from his camera, stillrecording.

JEFFSometimes, you get stuck somewhere


30/33

and feel like you might never getout. Thats where I now stand withcommunity college, actually. Othertimes, things end before youreready for them to, and thats okay.

(painfully self-conscious)

The important thing to remember isthat youve got to keep trucking...tiger.

Abed stops the recording, which catches Annies eye. He putsthe camera in its case, and Annie smiles to herself.

JEFFAnd when closure is impossible,all you can really do is surroundyourself with people who love you

Annie and Shirley let out a simultaneous Awww.

JEFFwith people who push you, evenwhen it feels like theyre pushingyou off of a cliff

Britta smirks.

JEFFwith people who make jokes, evenwhen youre too hurt to laugh,because laughter is a bittermedicine best served forcibly

Troy perks up.

JEFFand people who know the rightwords to say. Ive come to see thattoday Imnot the right man for thejob. Willy Jr.?

Willy Jr. stands up with an audible gasp. Everyone looks on.

WILLY JR.

(weeping)Yes?

JEFFYou told me what to say about ourdad, but those words wont mean athing coming from me.

WILLY JR.Are you... are you saying...?


31/33

JEFF

You also told me that you felt likeyour heart was going to explode withemotion. And if thats going tohappen, you better include all of us

in the fallout.

Willy Jr. nods through his tears and slides himself throughhis pew painfully slowly.

JEFF(forgetting the mic)

And then we can finally bury thisSOB.

Folks in the crowd are mortified, and Jeff quickly leansback into the microphone.

JEFFSymptoms of bereavement.

He moves away from the microphone and leaves the stage. AsWilly Jr. passes him, the brothers share a private moment.

WILLY JR.Bro, that was so good.

Jeff nods and joins with his friends at the back of thesanctuary. He moves behind their pew, standing beside Abed.

WILLY JR.Dad was an awesome dad. Where otherdads might have said, Reach for thestars, my dad said, Dont do that,because stars are really hot. Youllhurt yourself. Thats how I knewthat he cared.

As Willy Jr. continues in the distance, Jeff surveys hisfriendsstopping on Britta.

JEFF

(nodding)Lieutenant Perry.

BRITTAYou did good work out there,Private.

Its a sweet moment, but...


32/33

BRITTAWait, is that how military rankingswork?... Whatever! The point is thatyou said everything that you couldhave said.

SHIRLEYBrittas right, Jeff. How do youfeel? Any better?

His face screws up.

JEFFNot really, but I guess thats theidea.

Troy leans closer to Jeff.

TROY

Thank you, by the way. Thank you somuch. I really did not think youdbe able to shoehorn me into thatspeech. It was perfect.

JEFFAh, that was childs play. Speakingof children

Jeff gestures at the pews in front of them. A good number ofkids and their parents are leering at the overly talkativestudy group.

JEFFDo you guys want to slip out ofhere? I feel like Im intruding onother people's emotional catharsis.

Everyone nods and they attempt to leave in silence. Near thedoors, Annie gets Abed away from the group.

ANNIEAbed, I saw what you did, and I justwanted to let you know that Imreally proud of you. I know that

its tough to come to terms withreality and move ahead, but Im herefor you if you need it. Imbasically the master of moving on.

ABEDThank you, Annie.

A beat.


33/33

ABEDI guess Im really developingasa character, huh?

Annie stops in her tracks as he opens the door. ClassicAbed.

At the door, he turns back to Annie.

ABEDDoes this mean that youre going tothrow away all of your elaborateschedules?

ANNIE(whoa!)

Abed, thats completely different!

He shrugs, seemingly convinced.

FADE OUT.

THE END

intro to outros (community spec script)

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