Difficult Conversations

by

Colette Davis

Colette Davis 2012

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Presenter-Module 1

Intro:

In the workplace communication skills are a vital part of a com-pany’s success rates. If employees are unhappy then the business will suffer.

Remember,a company cannot create a conducive atmosphere if their employee’s cannot understand each other.

By improving communication between employees and among all rela-tionships it’s possible then to improve overall performance in the workplace and your bottom line.

There are five keys to creating effective communication within the workplace and within relationships.First learning how to lis-ten effectively is imperative.

Second coworkers, employees, and others need to learn how to dis-agree without arguing and how to offer constructive criticism without embarrassing or offending another person. Yet another key component is learning how to negotiate within the workplace and in some cases among clients. As with any behavioral skills that affect relationships with people inside or outside the company its important to work with clients based on effective communica-tion skills.

In this module you will learn the five skills necessary to use in a difficult conversation and how the application of it and these skills will apply to many scenarios both in and out of the work-place.

Module 2:

What is a Difficult Conversation?

Defined: it is any conversation that a person is anxious about. Difficult conversations differ in how the individuals react or interact with each but they all follow some basic concepts.

First understand that painful feelings are at play whether overtly or subverted. These can include feelings of hatred, anger, frustration and more.

These detrimental ideas also put our feelings as an individual at stake. This means that self worth, and confidence will and can be damaged. Also, within these interactions we see ourselves through

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the eyes of others like out self worth, and composure are at stake.

“I have embarrassed myself” is a common thought for many people in these situations.

People have many fears including those about future interactions within the conversation, and how the conversation may effect an-other’s career? The policy and role within it may in fact be com-plex.

So how do you get your point across in a conversation like this?

Presenter:

Understanding Employee’s behavioral and interpersonal communica-tion skills is important to any business.

First it’s important to evaluate how knowledgeable they are in this area. You may be great at communicating in the beginning. But this can quickly deteriorate without effective communication.

It’s important to asses the level of your communcation knowl-edge.

For instance, you can take an online interpersonal communication course that assess your skills in order to see how well you match up.

Other ways to assess your interpersonal development is to visit this online quiz site http://www.optimalthinking.com/quiz-communication-skills.php

Also another step in developing interpersonal skills is simply by taking this course as you are doing now. Cdi communications of-fers skills business training as well, and there are Universities that offer other modules.

Module 3:

There are currently three identifiable conversation shifts that occur within the bounds of a conversation.

First is known as: The Basic Shift which is a way in which we need to pinpoint our minds in order to have a positive interac-tion with a fellow employee, supervisor or client. This is a

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shift in your behavior completely and something that needs to be learned.

The most common mode of misunderstandings occurs when people are not competently understanding the data that is thrown their way. This often results in a battle of messages which can bring a once positive and lucrative conversation away from any positive ideas. The person will not agree and then other will not agree. The in-teraction then becomes one of “I am right.”

The prospect of resolution recedes further as frustration is con-sistently building within the conversation. This then convinces the other persons place of interest and understanding.

How can we solve thiese misunderstandings?

A simply mode of interaction called the Learning Conversation.

This is a productive means of communicating. At this point people begin to realize that the other person has a perspective that we cannot understand. Since as human beings we cannot read each oth-ers mind it is important then and therefore to create an engaging dialog from a point of understanding rather than a domination.

This type conversation is important to have with most colleagues and clients. What’s great it that it will not sacrifice your point of view and it means that you are as important as they are. It comes from a background based on mutual respect, and a give and take philosophy.

When you are giving bad news to another there will be no room for negotiation which means that they too can be curious about under-standing the other’s perspective. The ability to have a learning conversation develops as we create an integrated mindset and fol-low the conversation models presented here.

There is a helpful way to unhesitant what is going on in a diffi-cult conversation.

First examine what happened, then understand the feelings that are and third identity. These are all processes within the con-versation.

Module 4

How does a conversation disintegrate?

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We all know that to converse is a basic human need, and conversa-tion is part of the inherent differences we as human beings have with each other.

We each see the world differently.

Why?

Each of us notices things based on the world around us. Therefore each of us is different based on where we come from and where we are.

For instance, a child born to parents in America in a rural town will certainly find different things entertaining than a child raised in Sydney.

Each person knows themselves better than anyone else and thus we know the internal experience of it all will affect all conversa-tions. It is intentional and unintentional.

Each of us views the other differently

First, we are influenced by our unique situations and perspec-tives. For example, a women whose family is strict and rarely discusses emotions or feelings would loose its ground if she sud-denly discuss her feelings with them. This would force her family into a crisis situation.

Now let’s look at another family in direct contrast that dis-cusses it’s feelings with each other and offers intimacy as a guideline, to act in a strict and guarded way would then create chaos in some form within this family.

These examples are then easily applied to the workplace.

Each of us lives differently with different rules. For instance some of us may think that being on the computer for two hours is acceptable and to another it may be too long.

Module 5

How to handle feelings

Too often emotional feelings are deemed confusing. In fact shar-ing feelings clearly requires a lot of thoughtfulness.

First in order to find your feelings find your emotional map. Ask yourselves what emotions are you comfortable with.

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1. Understand that your feelings are normal and based upon where you come from.

2. Understand that great people can have negative feelings as well and these will also affect the conversation.

3. Understand that your feelings are as important as everyone else and you are important.

4. Now it’s time to explore those feelings.

5. Find the feelings that lurk under the accusations.

Anoretic way to handle your conversations with understanding your feelings is to negotiate them. To understand what they are is the first step to this and remember above all NEVER VENT.

Instead of venting or letting your emotions get the better of you it’s important to understand an alternate route that will better prepare you for a conversation.

First, make sure that you can place your feelings into the prob-lem, if they are real then you can address them easily within the bounds of the issue that you are having. They do not have to be rational- but they can be relevant.

Understand the spectrum of your feelings and evaluate them before voicing them. Remember not only to evaluate but share and ex-press your feelings without blaming or judging another.

Do not monopolize the conversation and remember both parties can have strong feelings at the same time.

Always use key words-including the words “I feel” in all conver-sations.

Remember the imprints of acknowledging the other person’s feel-ings and thoughts within the bounds of a conversation are impor-tant.

You must first convey these by stating or affirming that you un-derstand the line of thinking using key words that show your depth of understanding. These include words like “from what you said I gather…” and “Yes, I understand.”

Always acknowledge your client, coworker or colleague.

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Also try to avoid the words “you are right what can I say?” It’s impersonal, cynical and bordering on cynical.

Module 5:

How to respond to a difficult conversation

Example:

Sean and Carly work together in the office at a business. Carly approaches sean and asks him if he has a few minutes to talk about somthing. She follows him to a private area and begins to talk to him. He is becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the conversation because she is griping about others and making light of serious office issues. She is upsetting Sean and it’s very un-ethical to him. She even admits that he has not been talking to him because she knew he might feel this way. She still wants to work things out because she values the relaxed work environment. There are some assumptions we can garner from this.

1. The colleagues feel hurt. They believe perhaps that the other meant to hurt and therefore it can breed resentment in the conversation.

2. Feeling angry can lead to assumptions that can also breed re-sentment.

Solutions:

If Carly begins to garner that Sean is upset in the conversation then perhaps she can then begin to understand his feelings with a proactive and positive response.

To begin she may say things like: “I want to make sure that I re-ally understand you here. It’s pretty clear you are experiences my behavior as attacked could you tell me why?”

“Can you explain that?”

“I see that you have avoided me. Would you mind telling me why and how you are feelings?”

“I would like to share my perspective on this situation how would be for me to respond?”

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It’s a calculated and positive conversation based on a mutual agreement of complacency and understanding between any office dy-namic.

Module 6:

Examples of Message Discombobulation:

First Indication of Conversation breakdown

1.I know all that I need to know to understand what happened.

The goal of the conversation here is to persuade the other they are right.

2. I know what they intend to do here.

Goal: Letting the other person know that they are wrong. “I’m right” thought processes are extremely caustic to any conversa-tion.

3.It’s all their fault

Examples continued with the Learning mode of Conversation which is extremely helpful in dealing with difficulties.

4.Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions to the table.

Explore each other’s stories about how we understand the situa-tion and why.

5. I know what I intended and the impact their actions had on me. I don’t and cannot know whats in their head.

Share the impact and find out what they were thinking in order to be able to find out what impact I’m having on them.

Module 7:

Exercise:

Ask yourselves these questions:

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How do I treat people when a conversation leads to assumptions that are set out under a battle of messages.

How do I react when I am treated this ay?

What would my behavior be if I were able to shift to a more learned mindframe?

How might my results change?

Module 8:

Feelings are always a part of any conversation. If they are not expressed whether with a client or with a coworker; then they have a way of exploding into a conversation.

It can be hard to listen when you have not expressed your feel-ings. But expression of feelings can also be a trap.

There is a difference between expressing them and venting.

First-find your feelings. This may take some time for you to find your emotional map or dredge through the various feelings.

Understand these points first:

Your feelings are natural reactions

Recognize that people have these feelings and learn that you are important as well. Also always try to have your feelings placed behind a simple term or label.

Module 9

Moving difficult conversations to a positive outcome

A conversation can become difficult very quickly, but as we have discussed there are several ways to alleviate this and keeping an open line of communication.

Remember, always be prepared and identify the problem. Make sure that in many cases you should clarify it before you continue on.

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This will entail you simply listen to the client’s, coworker or friends needs. They may need a sounding board, and you should then reaffirm what they have said to you.

Make sure to use words like: “I see that you…” or “From my per-spective…” or perhaps redirect the conversation with several other keywords.

Never tell them a simple statement like “I understand.” It leads to a stalemate in the conversation. Or the other participant may think you are cutting them short.

Remember to establish your intention as well in the conversation and define where you want to end up as a result.

What is it that this situation may affect? Always be prepared and know that you will feel some discomfort in the conversations.

For very difficult situations it is important look for others to help guide you in the conversations that you are moving through.

However, know that the breakdown of communication will in fact happen in many cases without giving you ample time for prepara-tion.

Module 10

If the client is becoming belligerent..

Then you can address this. There is no reason to accept abuse form any one and if it questions your honor as a human being that it may be a conversation that you should walk away from. It’s im-portant to give both parties time to cool down in that instance.

Also demonstrate your concern for what you imagine it’s like to be in his or her shoes. Try to understand your consumer, client or coworkers feelings. Understanding by asking for clarity is not an agreement necessary but it is a key to understating the per-ceptions that may be misguided within the conversation.

Use curiosity to help you manage your anxiety and foster an open form of dialogue with your clients or coworkers. Always ask open ended questions.

Examples of open ended questions are: How does that make you feel? What has this been like for you?”

So to go back through the entire process make sure that you fist

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1.Identify how the situation has affected you on an emotional level and inquire about how the other is feeling.

1.Demonstrate your concern for what you imagine it’s like to be in his or her shoes. Always try to acknowledge and understand his or her position.

2.Make sure that you clarify the situation so that both parties are on the same page.

Module 11

The Harvard Business Review has defined several mistakes that en-ter into a conversation.

First we try to oversimplify the problem. If it were that simple we would not be arguing about it. To avoid this, make sure to use open ended questions.

Reaffirm the other persons’ concerns just to clarify and to let them now verbally that you are following them.

Second, most people do not bring respect to the conversation. If you cannot respect yourself then you cannot respect your clients or coworkers.

To avoid a combat mentality respect the person you are talking to and yourself. Make sure that you respond in the conversation in a wall that you can be proud of.

Third in all conversations it seems that we either lash out or shut down. When this happens all productivity is shut down com-pletely. Remember to quell this with reaffirmations-all conversa-tions will not be smoothed out that easily but with composure and practice you will be able to focus on the outcome.

The fourth mistake is reacting to another persons conversation negatively. People may say something that lashes out and is meant to bring your conversation level down.

When this occurs be sure to keep your self respect in the conver-sation. By engaging in a negative way you are in essence decon-structing your own conversation.

If the counterpart has stopped responding, which is another form of manipulation in many cases it’s important to end your contri-butions by saying “I don’t know how to interpret your silence.”

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All of these are huge mistakes. However if you take the right road you will be able to maintain a conversation even in the most difficult of situations.

Module 12

Difficult conversations are an essential fact of all communica-tion in life. Communication is based on mutual respect, and posi-tive enhancements.

These difficult conversations when handled early can prevent is-sues from reaching more formal stages which would include loosing the clients, loosing a respectful workplace, loosing a job and more. The losses really add up when we cannot learn how to create a positive atmosphere within a conversation.

Learning how to handle these conversations is the key to develop-ing essential skills within the workplace making it a more pro-ductive place for all involved.

Difficult conversations are a large challenge because all of the action that is focused on a single activity which is when the perspective become shifted.

The anger, frustration, fear, excitement and more is decon-structed down to those few moments where we have to bite the bul-let to create the pivotal moment which could lead to more stress or on the other hand alleviate it all.

Module 13

Inquiring to learn is different from inquiring with cross exami-nation type questions-which do not allow for any completion or validation within the exchange.

Cross examining your co-worker is not a solution instead it cre-ates a large information block. These questions emerge from a po-sition of trying to start from the idea of trying to persuade a person instead of learning.

Use the ideas constructively and pull out the statements. Rather than asserting them as true, share them as open questions and ask for the other person’s reaction.

Rather than assuming that in an argument they have ignored your assertions simply enhance the conversation by simply listening.

Module 14

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Ask open ended questions: “Were you trying to ..?” or “How does this make you feel?” It’s ideal to get a response form them here.

Ask for clarity or concrete information. This meats “Can you give me an example? Or What would that look like?”

Always ask at least three questions about the conversations. For instance ask them to say a little more about how they see things. Ask them to include information that they might have that you do not. Also other questions include:”

Can you say a little more about why you think this is my fault?

Were you reacting to something that I did?

How are you feeling about all of this?

Make it okay that they do not have to answer. People will become defensive in a disrespectful and misguided conversation.

If they do not feel like they have to answer then they can react by shutting down, counterattacking and accusing you having nega-tive intentions.

Paraphrase the conversation. This will make sure that they will understand you are indeed following this and are involved in their issues.

Check that you have understood the conversation. It’s hard to un-derstand the conversation.

Always acknowledge the feelings of the other participant, whether it is a client, coworker or more.

Answer the questions that have yet to be answered, validate their feelings and show them respect as a person.

When you acknowledged the other persons needs you have not ne-glected their feelings nor have you asserted that they are either right or wrong. You simply have created the conducive atmosphere that is needed for a positive conversation to become whole

The most important form of understanding is from another person. Empathy is not only a conversation that comes within personal knowledge; in fact it is also part of the whole plethora of is-sues associated with positive outcomes in many forms.

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An empathetic listener will be taken on journey with a destina-tion that leads to successful outcomes both within the business and in the personal relationships that you develop at all times.

Conversations will easily turn to distrust if we cannot create a mutual mood of understanding. Even the most detrimental conversa-tions in all aspects of business and relationships can benefit form conversations that reaffirm the other’s feelings, clarify the needs and acknowledge each other.

The backgrounds that people come from can be a deterrent to pro-ductivity, once we are able to acknowledge that we can in fact create a positive environment based on mutual respect that begins with self respect we can create a positive atmosphere with clients, colleagues, professionals in other fields, personal re-lationships and more.

In some cases it may be important to set an internal time limit, so that when the same sequence has been created over and over it may be time to attempt another tactic in order to create a posi-tive conversation that will help you create an atmosphere that works.