the fuddler may 2009

THE DROVERS ARMS INDIAN RESTAURANTSUNDAY - THURSDAY EAT FOR £10.00 Take away food available - collection only

Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu

THE WHITE HART HOTEL OF AMPTHILL10 FANTASTIC EN SUITE DOUBLE ROOMS

IT’S THE TALK OF THE TOWN!! ... … Fantastic all day breakfast for only £3.00!!

Also fantastic Sunday Roasts 12.00 - 7.00Party the night away as normal at The Cellar Bar

Tel: 01525 406863 www.whitehartampthill.co.uk

PURE BAR AND NIGHTCLUB OF BEDFORD Available to hire for private parties

Tel: 01234 354102www.purebarandclub.com

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT

40 Yrs experience Fully Insured Special Rates for OAPS!

Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc

Free Estimate01525 288207

07500 431131

Do you need a venue for a Friday or

Saturday night party? Ampthill Town FC offers

a fully licensed bar, excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people

For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow

01525-750217

FIXED PRICE AERIAL

INSTALLATIONS

See our ad on page 14 D & G SHORT

NEED A LOCKSMITH?

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Hello again everyone and welcome to this bumper May edition of your Fuddler.You’ll find lots of useful information about local events inside plus of course all the usual fun and nonsense! We very much hope you enjoy the edition

and as we always say please have a careful look at what our advertisers are saying as without a doubt ‘Whatever you need - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’If you would like to advertise with us you will find all our contact details on page four of each issue.

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Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Summer not far away, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.

CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE

111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096

Eddie says why spend so much on a survival course?

Come to The Dew Drop Inn and have a meal and then you’ll know

what a survival course is all about!

(You have to eat to survive rather than to eat for pleasure!)

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BECOME INVOLVED…?

BATTLE OF THE BRAVE 15TH AUGUST 2009 MILLENIUM PARK FLITWICK

If so we will be holding a gathering on the 20th May (Weds) at 7.30 pm at the Rufus Center in Flitwick. This will include all aspects of the days events along with any issues which we may need to resolve, so if you would like to contribute or have your say, in any way or have any suggestions please don’t hesitate to come along. Also for those who would like to sign up to any of the sponsored events or have a stall allocated to them at Millennium Park, (Dunstable Street Flitwick) will be provided with details and able to sign up there and then. Alternatively if you are unable to attend check out the website www.giveatomarrow.org.uk for updates and to find out more. Everybody is welcome, all ideas will be highly appreciated

and contribute to a brilliant course. Light refreshments will be available - See you all there Give a ToMarrow, 6 Ivel way, Flitwick Bedfordshire, MK45 1ER www.giveatomarrow.org.uk email: [email protected]

01525 630572 07947 838156

10%Discount

Not to be used with any other offer.

Valid until 31.05.09

NOW HERE! DMC Silks Aida, evenweave, Cross stitch, embroidery & tapestry kits Ordering service available for kits - please ask

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959

Workshops & Clubs available - please come in and pick up a newsletter with all the details. We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more!

Templefield Lower School, Flitwick are holding their Summer fete on the 13th June from 12.00 noon until 4.00 pm. There will be great games, activities and entertainment for all the family. Also there is a new feature called ‘Wheel of Fortune’. In addition there will be face painting, balloons, candy floss, plate smashing, ‘Soak the Teacher’ plus lots, lots, more... A raffle will also be held on the day with the winning ticket drawn at 4.00 pm.

Everyone is welcome to attend and is assured of a very warm welcome.

TIDY UP SERVICESSelling your house - renting it out?GARAGE & GARDEN RUBBISH

CLEARANCE

Complete tidy up service available including grass cutting etc

Waste licence 15 years Established 35 years

MAJOR CARDS ACCEPTED

Tel: 07976 383698 01234 742100

On Tuesday the 5th May the townsfolk of Ampthill gathered at St Andrew’s Church to bid a very fond farewell to Tony Dunn who passed away on the 19th April. Tony was a true ‘Friend of Ampthill’ in that he did so much for his town. Former local Councillor, local character, ‘Bon Viveur’, stalwart supporter of many good causes and a totally likeable man. Never one to complain about the many difficulties he encountered in his life, he was always there with a big smile and ‘How’s everybody else?’. He will be sorely missed. Our sympathies go to Kath and family.

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“The Fuddler” i s p u b l i s hed by MDA Publications and printed by Digital Print Bureau. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

Across: 1 Free, 3 Quaintly, 9 Comma, 10 Jupiter, 11 Tip, 13 Australia, 14 Horrid, 16 Please, 18 Drumstick, 20 Ear, 22 Antigen, 23 Regal, 25 Treatise, 26 Spry

Down: 1 Facet, 2 Elm, 4 Unjust, 5 Imperil, 6 Titillate, 7 Yardage, 8 Saga, 12 Pirouette, 14 Hydrant, 15 Insight, 17 Fiends, 19 Kerb, 21 Rally, 24 Gap

A BRIANISM I was so pleased to

receive my new copy of Yellow Pages today. It

was only last week that I finished reading the

old one.

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

I was explaining to Check-it-out and Duster that people are always pointing out to me how

much I look like Churchill.

Looking in the mirror, I think that I do bear more than a passing

resemblance. But the thing I can’t work out is why they always then go on to

insist that I should say “Oohhhh yesssss”

Ciao

Visit our showroom. Over 70 modern and traditional fireplaces and stoves on display.

1, Woburn Street, Ampthill, Beds

Tel: 01525 841199 www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk Monday to Saturday 10.00 am - 5 pm

10% off Stove Orders placed during May See in store for Terms and Conditions

FIRST CLASS PAINTER REQUIRED FOR LOCAL RESTORATION PROJECT

Experienced painter required to restore all the woodwork on old listed farmhouse. Project will last several weeks. Must be capable of working on own

initiative. Possibly suit retired craftsman. Remuneration to be discussed with owner.

Please tel: 01525 713427 to arrange site meeting

DIY & TRADE COUNTEREasy parking & glass cut while you wait Full range of ‘Pilkington’ glass kept in stock 2mm, 3mm, 4mm & 6mm clear float

Picture frame glass, clear & defused 4mm Pilkington Patterned: Arctic, Autumn Leaf, Chantilly,Contoura, Cotswold, Charcoal Sticks, Digital, Everglade, Flemish, Florielle, Mayflower, Minster, Oak Leaf, Pelerine, Stippolyte, Sycamore, Taffeta & Warwick

6mm Pilkington Patterned: Autumn Leaf, Cotswold, Flemish & Stippolyte Horticultural Glass (Greenhouse Glass) Standard Stock Sizes: 24”x18” / 24”x24” / 28” x 56”

4.4mm & 6.4mm Clear Laminated Glass (Safety glass, cut while you wait)

4mm & 6mm Mirrors, edge polishing, Fixing holes & safety backing: All made to order

Wired glass (Fire Glass), Clear & obscure

All accessories are in Stock!! (Corners, inline joiners, soffit vents, ‘H’ track joiner, Polypins & polynails, silicone, weather sealant, Cleaner, superglue, plus much, much more!!)

ALL TRIMS IN STOCK: 45mm/65mm/95mm Architrave

Pencil & Fillet Trims 12mm & 19mm Quadrant

Bring this advert with you for your 10% discount

Cladding & Guttering

Full Range Kept In Stock

Guttering & Downpipes in Black, White, Grey & Brown PVCu

In Half Round & Square

PVCu Flat Board - 9mm 100mm/150mm/175mm/200mm/225mm 250mm/275mm/300mm/400mm

PVCu Soffit Board ~ in Three Thicknesses ~ 100mm/150mm/175mm/200mm/225mm 250mm/275mm/300mm/400mm

Vented Boards are also available

Many more products in stock, please call to enquire ..Unit 9 Lyall Court, Flitwick Industrial Estate, Maulden Road, Flitwick, Beds, MK45 1UX Tel: 01525 713085 Fax: 01525 715661 Email: [email protected]

TÄâvtÜx

Maulden Road

Commerce Way

We Are Here

Enterprise Way

Hatfield Road

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Across: 1 Showed indecision because hated new site? (9) 8 Small type is the best (5) 9 Won over, used drape ingeniously (9) 10 Item at auction makes person’s fortune! (3) 11 Chair in country mansion (4) 12 In pound parts with mountain panthers! (6) 14 Substance can be of importance (6) 15 Practises sword-play with receivers of stolen goods (6) 18 Spoon I use to administer toxin (6) 19 Wager a letter came from Greece (4) 21 Common sailor uses dark liquid preservative (3) 23 Sent upstairs for having nobility of bearing? (9) 24 Long narrow hill seen from the highest part of the roof (5) 25 Esteemed being regarded with deference! (9)

Down: 1 She goes to work on promises (5) 2 One possibly waiting for work caught having rest in van (7) 3 Brutal ruffian ought to be unloved (4) 4 Mute, I’d suffer monotony (6) 5 Indeed internal conduit was taken away (8) 6 Lad is disposed to watch faces (5) 7 Landlords can be characters! (7) 13 Be comparatively wayward in order to perplex (8) 14 Overcomes teachers? (7) 16 Afflicted with bad chest, I’m returning to pharmacist (7) 17 Go and shut out desperadoes (6) 18 The arrogant bearing of a catty company? (5) 20 That is father who somehow was helped (5) 22 The penalty of being good? (4)

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CALL 01525

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CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL Tel: 01525 402173

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery?

Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

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Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer

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YOUR LOCAL

No.1 For Scooters,

Stairlifts & Mobility

Can’t get to us? Call now to organise a free

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Curved & Straight stairlifts available.

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Ramps, Walking Sticks, Grab Rails,

Tri-Walkers, Rollators, Bathlifts, Waterproof Clothing

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visit our website at www.comforthomecare.co.uk

Having burnt the bottom of the saucepan making por r idge which then resembled something on the lines of cement and blacking t h e t o a s t b e y o n d description – the latter could have been saved had Lionheart taken advice and scraped it to the colour he wanted – Meerkat found the comfort of the big oak chair and began to ponder. Recently she had found herself using the phrase ‘in limbo’ so many times but did she really know what it meant? She decided to look it up as to its actual

meaning. It was interesting, very interesting. The history of ‘in limbo’ goes much deeper than its association with a dance craze of the 1950’s where the dancers bend backwards and sort of shuffled under a stick. Limbo was originally a place, and in theological terms was a ‘border’ – not in heaven and not in hell. Then in Shakespeare’s Henry V111, 1613 ‘in limbo’ took on the metaphorical meaning of ‘in prison’ …..’I have some of ‘em in Limbo Patrum, and there they are like to dance these three days’. It was soon after this time that the phrase took on

the meaning used today which refers to a situation where a person finds themselves confined with nowhere to go until something happens to restart it. More curious still, ‘in limbo’ is the name computer scientists give to the situation where files, deleted from view but not physically removed from storage! “Mmm” thought Meerkat “What lies behind other used phrases of today?” Out came the book with explanation on 6,000 curious and everyday phrases!! Meerkat was h o o k e d . S o w h a t ’ s next?..........… Reference: www.phrases.org.uk

With Geoffrey THE Golfer ‘I'll go and ask if we can go through,’ said Albert to Tom. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway. Albert returned after only a few paces towards the ladies. ‘ T o m , t h i s i s v e r y embarrassing, but would you mind going. That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress.’ Tom returned having got no further forward than Albert. ‘I say,’ he said, ‘what a coincidence.’ GTG

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No 7, Water End Barns, Eversholt (Nr Woburn), Beds. MK17 9EA

T: 01525 288488 E Mail: [email protected]

By Julio Van Peebles 1) When you buy hot + buns, why are they always cold? 2) Does anyone still own a betamax video? 3) How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? 4) Has there ever been a hurricane Trevor? 5) Has a retired boomerang throwing world champion ever made a comeback? Julio's Top Tip: When feeling a little bit low, cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse!

4th June - Happy Birthday Mr Magoo, love Sue and you know who!

With Jimmy The Voice Our guest, JTV has been at it again! He has kindly sent another curious picture to us:

The question this time is: does this house stand on the ground or in the tree ?

A very Happy Birthday to Emily -

21 on May 12th!!

Lots of love always, Mum and Dad xxxxx

Happy Birthday Jilly! All my love, Peter xx

BMJ HOME & GARDEN SERVICESFor all those jobs around the house and garden,

that you never have time for!We are an established, reliable trustworthy & a very

reasonably priced company. NO JOB TOO SMALL

Tel: Joolz or Michael on 01525 211670 Mob: 07871 802815

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MAY 23rd - 25thBEER & SAUSAGE

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Please ring or call in for details

Plus …Bring a copy of this advert in anytime and receive 20% off any food bill

Babs and her friend went for a walk in the park. Her friend stopped suddenly and said ‘Oh no - look at that dead bird.’ Babs stopped, looked up in the sky, and said ‘Where?’

Babs has a friend who is also very silly indeed. Apparently this friend was to have a celebratory night out in a club with a crowd of others. The following day, she was asked whether she enjoyed her night out. ‘Not really, I left before I got there.’ said Kiwi sensibly.

Why do we leave our cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock a cheap lawn mower and junk in the garage? If you want to look younger - hang around with older men. Or tell people that you are older than you really are - then they’ll be impressed at how young you look. My friend’s husband is so silly that she reckons he has an IQ of 2. It takes 3 to grunt. Scrunched is one of the longest single syllable words in the English language. If you are feeling stressed, read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. ‘I just need some space’ does not mean he wants to be an astronaut.Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. How can I miss you when you won’t go away? All things in life are possible except skiing through a revolving door. Develop your empathy skills by smiling at slugs. 1 In your skin, 2 Tailors, 3 A

wind, 4 Dinner conversations, 5 Merchant of Venice, 6 Schuss, 7 In an egg, 8 Greek soup, 9 Canada, 10 Queens Park

1. Where would you find your sensory receptors?

2. ‘Disguising’ is the collective name for what?

3. What is a Foehn? 4. I f y o u s u f f e r f r o m

Deipnophobia, what are you afraid of?

5. Where would you f ind Bassanio?

6. In skiing, what is a fast straight downhill run called?

7. Where would you find a chalaza?

8. What is Avgolemono? 9. Where is the bay of Ungava? 10.Who won the first Scottish FA

Cup Final?

email us: [email protected]

COVERING •AMPTHILL, •BARTON LE CLAY, •CLOPHILL, •FLITWICK,

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Outstanding gardens designed for

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BRADLEY’S QUALITY CLEANING

AMPTHILL Bradley’s are glad to give continued support to

your spring cleaning with two new offers for May:

Curtains — 25% off £6.00 per kilo (normally £8.00) Carpet Cleaning — £19.99 for three days hire of the

cleaning machine, including 1 bottle of shampoo (from 0900 day 1 to 1600 on day 3, must be booked)

109 Dunstable Street 01525 405817

CANCER (June 22-July 23) There seems to be a long way to go before you reach your ultimate goal. Persevere though and you should find the solution is nearby.

LEO (July 24-August 23) As we start a light canter towards the summer, you may find that someone you thought you trusted could let you down.

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) Along with the new moon on the 24th of this month comes a new idea - possibly one that has been at the back of your mind. Go for it.

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) There seems to be the opportunity for long distance travel in the near future. Follow your dreams but always listen to your heart.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) Are you quite sure that what you are planning is as good an idea as you think it is? Heed good advice from friends.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) There could be changes afoot at work which may be good for you. Take care though not to make too hasty a decision.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) It follows that only you are responsible for where your actions may lead. Good news may be coming your way soon.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) Sometimes you can be too stubborn for your own good. Listen to the advice that is being given to you and heed the words.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) This may be the calm before the storm. Brace yourself for major changes in the way you view certain things.

ARIES (March 21-April 20) It could be a good time to take stock and re-evaluate your achievements, then you can decide the best way forward.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) You seem to be impatient to bring to a close something that has been worrying you. Stay calm and all will be fine in the end.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) The end always justifies the means. So having made the decision just keep positive and go for your goal. Keep finances under control.

PARTY ROAST

Having a Bar-B-Q?

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Tel: 01525 872493

A & F Fabrics LtdYour LocalLocal Carpet

and Upholstery Cleaning Service

All furniture moved and replaced

Stain and odour removal

Stain Shield protective treatments

All work fully insured and guaranteed

‘Providing a Hassle Free service from our professional and friendly cleaners’

CALL NOW FOR A FREE NO OBLIGATION QUOTE

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Ampthill & District Camera Club are holding their Inaugural Photographic Exhibition on Saturday 6 June 2009. The venue for the exhibition is Millbrook Village Hall, Sandhill Close, Millbrook. Open from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm. The exhibition will be a public celebration of the work of the club and all our members. Monochrome and colour prints will be displayed along with digital images. Refreshments will be available. Members of the public are very welcome; there will be a nominal admission charge of £2:00, accompanied children under 16 years free. It is planned that this exhibition will become an annual event.

On Saturday the 20th June, Nigel Ogden of BBC Radio 2 fame is holding a concert at St Andrew’s Parish Church in Ampthill in aid of Action For Children. (Reg. Charity no: 1097940/SC038092) The performance is at 7.30 pm and admission is £7.00 (sorry no concessions) including refreshments. Please call 01525 403936 or 01525 714060 for tickets or more information. ‘Help the Ampthill & Flitwick Support Group to help some of the UK’s most vulnerable children and young people to achieve their full potential.’

We are no longer a day ticket venue – so come and join our members’ only fishery today!

Improved catches Plenty of pegs, lots of space Peaceful, friendly atmosphere Three amazing and very different lakes Access from Dawn to Dusk with individual gate access Night Fishing available Existing members say:

“changing to restricted membership is the best thing Tingrith ever did!”

Visit our website for full details: www.tingrithfishery.co.uk

Limited membership still available: Full & Cons x 7 days, Full & Cons Mon – Fri, Family tickets

CALL NOW TO JOIN! 01525 714012

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The Number 1 Ironing and Laundry Service

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(Plenty of free parking)

What do chefs get up to when they haven’t got much to do? Works of art is what! Here’s another in our series:

Thanks again for that one!

Yes it’s a huge welcome back to the Frog Racing (not real ones!) atParkside Hall in Ampthill on the

16th May in aid of The Mayor’s Charities which are McMillian Nurses, BLISS, & Equipment for Ampthill Surgeries Don’t spawn the chance of being at one of Ampthill’s greatest fun events - in fact jump at it! Organisers are ‘hopping’ for a really good turn out, with many ‘h-opportunities’ to have some fun and win a little cash - and all for good causes!

Gary Summerfield is chief ‘h-operator’ and Master Croaker of the event, but don’t ‘rib-im’ too much! Tickets for the event are £7.50 which includes your supper (but not frog’s legs!) and the racing starts at 7.00 pm. You are invited to bring your own drink too! If you would like to hop along on the night for a ‘tad’ of nonsense or ‘pole’ along and maybe put together a table of ‘frog-race-goers’ then don’t have webbed feet - give Gary a ring on 01525 753723 and leap at the chance to book a table for an evening of fun! ‘Don’t miss out on this ‘hop-ortunity’!

MAY 17th Congratulations John

on your 60th Birthday!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - (You haven’t changed a bit!!)

Lots of love always Jo xxxxx

Sara Happy Birthday for 26th May!

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INNOVATIONS

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STAPLES GARDEN CENTRE

AUSTRALIAN TREE FERNS (Dicksonia) £19.99 £9.99

RED CORDYLINES £6.99 Buy one - get one free

Great as a summer pot centre piece

STRAWBERRY PLANTS

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We are pleased to bring you a tasty and economical supper dish which one of our readers has sent to us: TASTY BEEF LOAFTo feed 4-6 people you will need:3/4 kg minced beef from your local butcher 1 tsp dry mustard 2 tbs tomato puree Salt & pepper 1 tbs Worcestershire sauce 1 egg 1 packet parsley & thyme stuffing And of course a little wine to slurp whilst cooking! Heat up the oven to about 200c.

Mix all the ingredients together (except the stuffing), beating well till evenly blended. Prepare stuffing as directed on the packet and allow to stand for 10 minutes. (At this point you could always take a crafty slurp)Place 1/2 the beef mixture in a greased tin and cover with stuffing. Spread the remaining mixture on top and press firmly down. Bake for about 1 hour in the middle of the oven, turn out and serve hot or equally delicious - leave in tin until cold then serve with salad.

AMPTHILL FIREWORKS

BACK ON?‘Good news, your local Town Councillors recently voted by a majority decision to support the resurrection of the annual Town fireworks display. Well done the TC, there was only one dissenting voice among the councillors. Interested parties are being asked to express an interest in putting on this popular display, which used to attract large crowds and was a highlight of the calendar in Ampthill. Maybe too late for this year but good news anyway.’ Name and address withheld.

We understand that local firm ‘Aspire Promotions’ have organised a night at Parkside Hall, Ampthill on May 30th featuring Tribute Band ‘The Beatles For Sale’. You can find more details on their website:(www.aspirepromotions.com)

‘I’m glad they didn’t have what we wanted, otherwise we would have queued up

for hours to get it!’

T.H.E. BEST BUTCHERS

Telephone (01908) 375275 www.bestbutcher.co.uk

Unit 5, Lower Rectory Farm, Great Brickhill, Milton Keynes, Bucks MK17 9AF

* FRESH FISH NOW AVAILABLE FRIDAY & SATURDAY

Building Preservation Specialists Damp ProofingWoodworm TreatmentsDry / Wet Rot TreatmentsBasement Waterproofing

Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655 Mobile: 07850 727752 email: [email protected]

16 Tavistock Avenue, Ampthill, Bedford. MK45 2RY

Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial

Your local Electrical Contractor All types of testing and certification undertaken

FREE QUOTATIONSNICEIC Approved Contractor

Working with Ampthill Town Council 11 Cedar Close, Ampthill, Bedford, MK45 2UD

Tel & Fax: 01525 714057

Advance tickets are now on sale at Waitrose Ampthill for a mere £12.50 each or £7 for children (under 10) and a bargain family ticket for £30 (2 adults and 2 children). On the day tickets will be £16.50 for adults and £9 for children and the family ticket will be £39. Tickets are limited and cheaper in advance so get along to Waitrose to not miss out. Tickets are also available online at www.ampthillparkproms.com (Paypal only). Please contact Chris Hayes on 07795 624263 if you require further information. Please see the advertisement on the back page.

Forms are now available in the local pubs around Ampthill and the race this year will be on Saturday May 23rd starting at the Engine and Tender at 12.30 with competitors registering at 11.30. The finishing line is at the Wingfield Club with prize giving at 5.00 pm with karaoke and a BBQ throughout the afternoon. This year we are supporting Motor Neurone Disease and our adopted village in Gambia. Further info available on www.ampthillthreeleggedrace.com

There may just be time to book an ad in the next edition of The Fuddler! For more

details please ring Martin on 01525 841434

*A pleasant and safe family environment *Drinks at club prices plus …….

CRIB - DARTS - DOMINOES - POOL BINGO - Thursday nights QUIZ - Sunday nights SMOKING AREA - Covered and heated BEER GARDEN (Summer) ENTERTAINMENT …….. Starts at 9 pm

WHAT’S ON?Saturday 9th May

WINGY’S FABULOUS KARAOKEHosts - Steve Gadsden and co.

Saturday 23rd May Ampthill 3 legged Beer Race finish line! Karaoke & BBQ

Saturday 30th May The welcome return ofHELEN JUSTE

Very popular vocalist - 60’s to present day classics NEW MEMBERS ALWAYS WELCOME

CIU Affiliated 37 Church Street Ampthill Beds

www.thepetaupair.co.ukwww.thepetaupppppppppppppppaaaair.co.uk

DOG WALKING

Excellent socialisation for your dog, peace of mind for you!

PET SITTING

Rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, birds, rats & ferrets are welcome in our home!

PET TRANSPORTING

01525 860606

From the oddball team ….

. . . in Arthur’s World . . . . our alternative Arthur is back with his . . . . our alternative Arthur is back with his . . . . our alternative Arthur is back with his idiot’s guide to Pub finance idiot’s guide to Pub finance idiot’s guide to Pub finance Fifty years ago when I lived on the North East Coast in Bridlington, a seaside town which was very busy in the summer months for 13 weeks, the remainder of the year was very quiet. So quiet in fact that the landlord of my local pub once remarked that if anyone was taking more than twenty minutes to drink a pint, there was no profit in their business and he was losing money on the loan of the glass which came free with the pint. In today’s financial crisis, I have given a lot of thought to the remarks of 50 years ago, and have devised a scheme which would ensure continual use of the glass, or if this failed the landlord would have the money from my tax, which I will call “The Glass Tax”, this would I think, go some way to boost his income. Drinking at the normal rate of three pints per hour (twenty minutes a pint rule) a landlord could expect a return of £7.50 per hour from a bitter drinker. But if that drinker is a smoker and has to keep going out to smoke the rule is broken and the financial return is lowered by extending the time the glass contains the smokers drink Therefore a tax should be raised on the time a smoker goes out to smoke. Using standard O & M and work-study practices I have established the average smoking time is 8 minutes, therefore a glass tax should be levied on the next pint purchased as follows: Eagle Bitter is £2.50 per pint so to maintain the correct level of cash return on product, i.e., £7.50 per hour or pro-rata which would produce a cost of a pint plus a charge of £7.50 divided by 60 and multiplied by the number of minutes away smoking, if 8 minutes (the standard) this would be 12.5 pence per minute, a total of £2.50 + (12.5p x 8) =£1 giving a total of £3.25 for the next pint. Lager drinkers would treated the same but at the rate of £3.05 per pint or 15.25p per minute. (Carpet fitters and carpet salesmen would be charged at the higher rate which would reflect the scale of charges in their establishments). The drinker/smokers need not say they will go elsewhere for a drink, as once the landlords hear of this scheme they will all sign up to use it. Therefore it would be cheaper to give up smoking, this would go a long way to ease the pressure on the NHS, and if approached they might support the scheme by advertising it in their “No Smoking Campaigns”, and restoring the twenty minutes a pint rule. Figures quoted are based on North of Watford Gap prices

Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: 01525 403319

email: [email protected]

Open Monday - Thursday 11 am - 2 pm & 5 pm - 11 pm

OPEN ALL DAY FRIDAY, SATURDAY & SUNDAY!

CHOICE OF REAL ALES - IPA or ABBOT

plus a different ale every week

Saturday May 23rd STARTING POINT OF THE AMPTHILL

3 LEGGED BEER RACE!! OPEN FROM 11.00 am

SKY / SETANTA SPORTS

ACOUSTIC MUSIC NIGHT 1st Monday every month

Great value ‘Pub Grub’ Monday to Friday

12.00 - 2.00

BANK HOLIDAY BBQ’S ARE BACK!!

Food from 2.00 pm(Monday May 25th)

Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES

LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT

DISCOS FOR ALL OCCASIONS For The Very Best Disco Around

All The Latest Chart Sounds Great Giveaway Prizes

Receptions For ALL Occasions Very Competitive Prices

Tel: Micky or Joolz on 01525 211670

Bob AmblerCarpenter & Joiner

Carpentry Fitted Kitchens

Kitchen re-doors and worktops Fitted Bedrooms and Home office furniture

Fitted Bathrooms Fitted Bathroom Furniture

A complete design, supply and installation service or

You supply and we install 01525 405393 ans. phone

Mobile 07889 058345 email: [email protected]

What is Link A Ride? Does anyone know anyone

who uses them?L.A.R is a non profit making organisation, registered as a charity under the Industrial Provident Society and is bound by its rules. Our aim is to provide a door to door transport service for those people who are unable to use ordinary transport because of a disability. The service uses vehicles that are constructed for ease of access, even if you use a wheelchair. Who Qualifies to use L.A.R. - We are a membership service, to become a member you must reside in Mid Beds and have a disability that inhibits you use normal buses. How much does it cost? -We have a membership fee of

£5.00; this is a one off fee. Being disabled will allow you to apply for concessionary fare travel permit. This permit will allow you to travel free Where can I go? -We can take you most places though out Bedfordshire. We cover an area of 200sq miles and each vehicle averages over 120 miles per day. We will take you Shopping, to visit a friend, visit partner etc in nursing h o m e . E v e n t o t h e hairdressers, or to a doctor’s appointment. Most things are possible. What hours do you operate? - We operate Monday to Friday, 9.00 am to 5.00 pm. Do I have to give up my Senior Citizens bus pass? - No, Central Council recognises that there are occasions where

you may be able to use normal transport. For example if you are accompanied may be able to use normal transport, when you are not you may need to use Link-A-Ride. Some people with sight problems find that the different levels of day light mean that on some days they can see well enough to use normal transport on a different they cannot see well enough and need Link-A-Ride. People with certain disabilities find that they have good and bad days, on bad day they need us on good one they don’t. Can I bring a friend? - Yes you can bring a companion/ helper with you on the bus. Will your drivers understand my needs and will I be safe - Yes : All Link-A-Ride staff has

to be cleared by the CRB Criminal Records Bureau. Our drivers undergo Midas driver training and have to pass a test every 4 years. All drivers are first Aid trained. We receive many testimonials on the quality of our staff. How do I make a booking? You need to telephone the Link-A-Ride booking line. We will discuss your needs a try to accommodate. We allow people to make a booking up to 7 days in advance and most people take advantage of this. However we know that this is not always possible and will always try to help at short notice. For more information: Telephone: 01525 840511 - we will be happy to discuss your needs.

Little Emm’s Unisex Hair Studio

Tel: 01525 237687

“A Cut Above The Rest” For a totally new look for the Spring why not come and see ‘Emma Scissorhands’?!

22A Woburn Road Heath & Reach Nr Leighton Buzzard Beds LU7 OAR

I’m happy as I am - please don’t canvas me!

Your local specialist in UPVC for:- Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and

French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering

Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992

50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

All central Bedfordshire areas covered Airport transfer specialists Competitive prices Corporate account works Passenger & parcel service School service 100% reliable service Professional service guaranteed 24 hours a day

We take care of EVERYTHING WE WILL DESIGN AND INSTALL YOUR BATHROOM, OLD SUITES DISPOSED OF - ALL WORK FULLY GUARANTEED

BEAUTIFUL RANGE OF TOP NAME SUITES & SHOWERS

PLUMBING ELECTRICS CARPENTRY TILING FLOORING DECORATING

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▼ Chainsaws ▼ Strimmers ▼ Hedgecutters ▼ Brush Cutters ▼ Lawn Mowers ▼ Disk Cutters ▼

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POWER TOOLSPOWER TOOLS

Professional Lawn Care & Tree Surgery EquipmentProfessional Lawn Care & Tree Surgery Equipment

Service, Sales& Spares

Service, Sales& SparesWOODCHIPPERS

Sale/Hire

I’ve got a mate who uses terms like this. He even used to walk around his son’s computer, in case he got a virus.LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie (BBQ) hotter. LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie. DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute. (Ozzie pickup truck) HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. (Beer) KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys. WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold. SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie (mosquito) season. BYTE: What mozzies do. MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do. (Coz they are bigger) CHIP: A bar snack. MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.MODEM: What you did to the lawns. LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps. SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster (Cheapo eatery) HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart. MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed. MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up. Thanks for those Andrew and if you have any more please let us know!

With Andrew Podyan

OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training

38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT

TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training,

Redborne School, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2NU

Sat June 20th sees the annual fete at Ridgmont Lower School. The fete takes place between 11-1 pm and has a variety of stalls including Usborne Books, Phoenix Cards, Spangles n Bangles, Aloe Vera, Partylite, Top Score Football game, Pampered chef and lots more! There will also be a raffle on the day plus Refreshments, Bouncy Castle, May Pole dancing, BBQ, disco, fun and games for all the family, and a special star attraction - Morris Dancers!!! A great family morning out and everyone will be made most welcome.

Bank holiday Monday the 25th May sees the 8th annual ferret racing meeting in the gardens of The Old Sun public house in Dunstable Street, Ampthill! The event starts at 2.03 with the first race at 2.33 pm and organisers are hoping that the present Mayor of Ampthill, Gary Summerfield can be persuaded to open proceedings again! Raising money for local charities the afternoon is heaps of fun for all the family and of course there is always the chance of having a flutter on the outcome of the races and maybe even winning a little cash on either the results of individual races or you could go for the big one and have a go on the accumulator!! Hopefully the weather will be kind to everyone this year, and if you haven’t been before do go along and enjoy an unusual afternoon! (Flat caps not necessary.)

Tony & Angela welcome you to your friendly village local …

SERVING TRADITIONAL ENGLISH PUB GRUB, WED - SAT

+ SUNDAY ROASTS EVERY WEEK FAMILIES WELCOME

Monday 15th June

Cheese & Wine tasting evening - 7.00 pm onwards

THE GREAT BRITISH PUB AWARD Regional winner -

Best Creative Outdoor Area of 2008

Beer garden with enclosed children’s play area + plenty of car parking.

RAMBLERS HOT SPOT! Dog walkers also welcome

SKY & SETANTA SPORTS IN HD

Regular Live entertainment -please ask for details

Lots of forthcoming events … watch this space!

QUIZ NIGHT EVERY THURSDAY

Petanque (French Boules) played here - why not sign up for the new Season?

The Royal OakChurch Street Lidlington MK43 ORJ (Sat Nav)

Tel: 01525 840233 www.royaloaklidlington.co.uk

Minikini Lashes presents …

EYELASH EXTENSIONS

Exciting, newest, innovative & alluring! Perfect for giving your eyes the ‘Wow’ factor!! Great for holidays!! GIRLS - No more mascara!! Last 6 - 8 weeks!!

You can swim, shower, sleep & cry without worrying about them falling out!

£50.00 per set, first maintenance - free, £20.00 thereafter

FOR AN APPOINTMENT

Tel: 01525 862284

STEVE NICHOLSON PHOTOGRAPHY

Home Portraits : Weddings & Family Occasions : Commercial www.steve-nicholson.com

Tel. 07967 246755 Email. [email protected]

IS YOUR HEARING UP TO ‘PAR’? Playing Golf could damage your hearing! So suggests a recent research study and, as a result, Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare is launching ‘Golfers’ Hearing Month’ in May offering FREE hearing checks for all concerned Bedfordshire Golfers.

Research published recently in the British Medical Journal which has received interest worldwide, suggests that the latest designs of titanium golf clubs cause a ‘sonic boom’ when they make contact with a golf ball. The research goes on to state that this could result in a temporary or even permanent hearing loss for those who play golf on a regular basis. In the tests, the loudest offending club recorded an impact sound in the region of 130 decibels – similar to the sound pressure level of a jet engine or a gun shot!

Reacting to the research, Stephen Beale of Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare, said;

“We were interested to explore the impact of this research to understand the implications and the effect it could potentially have on golfers in Bedfordshire.

“Firstly, the expression ‘sonic boom’ is a bit misleading in relation to this subject area, as it actually means the sound that the air makes as an object passes through it, at or above, the speed of sound. This would mean that a golfer would either have to swing his club or project the golf ball faster than the speed of sound, which is approximately 760 miles per hour! However brilliant a golfer you are, it’s unlikely you’ll achieve a shot of this calibre… unless of course you’re Superman or, perhaps, Tiger Woods!

“However,” Stephen Beale continues, “the problem is really due to impact noise when the thin faced Titanium club contacts the ball. There are at least six different types of Titanium golf clubs and many more types of golf balls. They have all been developed using materials designed to increase speed which in turn increases sound and, therefore, some combinations may create a much greater noise level than others.

“Professional work guidelines suggest that long or repeated exposure to sound above 80 decibels can cause hearing loss. Therefore, this sound level would be adequate to cause temporary or even permanent nerve damage to the inner ear, particularly to certain individuals who had a high level of susceptibility to noise induced hearing loss. So this could, as ludicrous as it seems, affect those who have played golf on a regular basis for some time, especially keen golfers who perhaps practice at a golf range several times a week”.

GOLFERS’ HEARING MONTH As a result of the published research, Stephen has decided for the month of May to offer all Bedfordshire golfers who have concerns about their hearing health a chance to have their hearing professionally checked for FREE.

This is also a great opportunity for all golfers to have their hearing professionally assessed and, perhaps, to explore the idea of hearing protection – Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare does offer a range of protective ear plugs suitable for many sporting activities.

‘Great news! The summer is here (or so I’ve been told) and what better way to start your day than to enjoy your breakfast whilst reading your newspaper as delivered by your local paper boy/girl? Then why not pop down to your local Martins Newsagent in Ampthill to arrange this? In addition we have a great range of children’s summer toys including footballs, cricket sets, bubble sets and small paddling pools. We also have some super deals on our drinks to help you quench that thirst on those hot days plus a huge range of ice creams to eat while you browse the local shops. Thinking of sitting out in the garden or up in the park, why not get yourself a puzzle book or magazine from our range of over 300 titles. If you would like to have newspapers or your favourite magazine delivered please give us a call on 01525 404314.We hope to see you soon …’

Combat these rising costs by installing solar panels to your house & remember solar works on UV not just Sunlight so you can gain free energy all year round!

We are an accredited company which means Grants are available towards

the cost of the work (currently up to £400.00)

All types of plumbing and heating work considered:

* Boiler and central heating servicing & breakdowns

* Boiler and central heating new or replacement systems

* Landlord safety certificates and fault diagnosing

* Bathroom installations.

* All work guaranteed.

P J Dennis Plumbing & Heating Services Ltd

01525 403924 Mobile 07860 504222

www.pjdennisplumbingandheating.co.uk

Family business established 21 years & specialising in renewable energy.

MICK HULATTCARPENTRY SERVICES

QUALITY CRAFTSMAN EST.1990 FOR ALL ASPECTS OF

CARPENTRY & BUILDING WORK Call: 01525 713590 or 07949 072133

E-mail: [email protected]

Our world has changed beyond all recognition thanks to modern computers and advanced digital technology. We now live in a world where we can almost instantly know about everything that happens on the other side of our planet and see and receive live pictures and sound from almost anywhere. It really has made a huge difference to our lives. In our world, where the vast majority of us lead normal lives and live and work for our families, enjoying life through personal friendships, something else has come along that can make a difference to us; The world of “Internet Radio.” For anyone who has a Broadband connection in their home they can now tune into literally thousands of radio stations from around the world. For example you can tune into around 200 from Australia, over 400 from the Netherlands, over 100 in Japan and over 2000 in the USA. If you wanted to you could listen to the world alphabetically from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe. Putting it in context, if you have family or friends living in any part of the world outside the UK, you could listen to the same radio programmes as they do and discuss the content via e mail or telephone. So what are the benefits? It means you can listen to the radio without turning your computer on or logging in, provided you have a wireless Broadband connection in your home. The radio will upload thousands of stations from your network, organise them alphabetically, by country and by genre to allow you to browse the channels at your leisure. Great fun for insomniacs. At the touch of a button you can be transported from your home in Bedfordshire to any country on the planet at the push of a button. You can listen to music from India, Pakistan, Poland, Romania, or to the Pope’s weekly address on Vatican radio if you wish. The world is now your oyster. There is now a wide range of Internet radios on the market and as demand increases prices are falling. For further information contact: The Michael R Peters Group 19-23 The Broadway Bedford MK40 2TL Tel: 01234 352107 or 356323 (see their ad on p 19 )

We are open for Bookings for all types of events:

BIRTHDAY TREATS!

Childrens Parties inc: snack lunch & free fishing whip

Fishing lessons with qualified coaches: One to one for Adults & Children or

groups Peaceful, friendly atmosphere

BAIT BONANZA! – Bait Cabin – Tingrith Fishery

Sat & Sun May 16/17th all Bait 25% off Reductions on tackle Shop open 8.30 am to 5.00 pm

Visit our website for full details: www.tingrithfishery.co.uktel: 01525 714012

Email: [email protected]

Browning Tingrith

TRADITIONAL FREEHOUSE PUB AND RESTAURANT

WITH LARGE PATIO GARDEN

Home made food with Specials Board including Fresh Fish

WEDNESDAY NIGHTS Take away Curries or

Fish & Chips

The Green Man Church End

Eversholt MK17 9DU

Telephone – 01525 288111 Website www.greenmaneversholt.com

With Berta Hardup Tightwad, MO USA

Did Noah Fish?A Sunday School teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?” “No”, replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms?” Higher Power A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out, “Aces!” Lot’s Wife The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”

Thanks again Berta.

Half term / Whitsun Getaway!Hemsby - Lovely 3 Bedroom holiday chalet sleeps 8.

Family site with heated indoor supervised pool. Club house, shop, cafe, Amusements. Superb location close to Gt Yarmouth.

Chalet clean and fully equipped. Cheapest rates for this area.

For more information Tel. 01525 402701. (Evenings) BOOKINGS TAKEN NOW!!

Here’s a little more whimsy from one of our readers: I phoned the local builder today, I said to them ‘Can I have a skip outside my house?’ He said, ‘I'm not stopping you!’

Concluding the deductions we can all make after watching films: When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading Alien society. A man will show no pain while taking the most terrible beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. You must pick up your telephone after the first ring or the other person will assume you are out and hang up. If you are in a high speed car chase you will encounter the following: a market stall selling fruit, a pile of empty cardboard boxes, a one way street, a blind person, a woman pushing a pram, a man on a wobbly bike selling onions, and a sign saying ‘Bridge ahead closed for repair’. Move to New York as everyone there can afford a huge apartment regardless of their income.

Courtesy Ruby Thanks again to Ruby for another word from her s e e m i n g l y e n d l e s s collection of splendid words. This month’s challenge is ‘Unctuous’. If you are not sure what it means the answer is at the foot of the page.

Unpleasantly flattering

With Mrs Pinkleton ‘You should never love someone you don’t like much.’ Annie aged 7 ‘Old ladies aren’t really old ladies. They’re just people wearing old clothes.’ Kevin aged 6 ‘When you go to Heaven you have to say sorry to the Holy Ghost for not believing in him. I don’t believe in ghosts so I’m not going there.’ Rachel aged 7 ‘It’s silly to get married before you are twelve.’ Derek aged 6 Thank you so much again!

YOU ARE ALWAYS A BIG FISH IN OUR POND! COMPLETE MAILING SERVICE, COPY, PRINT, MAILMERGE, ENVELOPES PACKED & MAILED. ASKEW MAILING SERVICES LTD, STEWARTBY. BEDFORD. TEL: 01234 766819 [email protected]

By Howie 1 The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2 I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3 She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 4 A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5 No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6 A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart 8 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie 9 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 10 Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 11 I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me. 12 A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.' 13 A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 14 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion 15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Oh Dear! Thanks for those - perhaps they’ll get better!!

...are Milton Keynes’s premier airport transfer company.

Whether a business trip, or a much needed break, Airports Direct are dedicated to getting you to

and from your airport stress free and in comfort and style. 100% reliable, professional service

guaranteed. DVD’s / coolers available.

T: 0800 707 6003 E: [email protected]

www.airportsdirectmk.com 33 White Alder, Stacey Bushes

Milton Keynes, MK12 6HE Company No. 5318754 (England & Wales)

Do it our

Weigh!Allied Weighing specialises in all forms of weighing equipment from bathroom scales to heavy duty devices for commercial applications. We can provide service and repair to any scales or weighing equipment, give us a call we’ll be glad to help.

Kitchen scales • Bathroom scales • Jewellery scales • Postal scales • Body fat monitors • Hanging scales. Retail and industrial • Fishing/Luggage • Laboratory and educational • Medical scales. HoMedics products and massage cushions

SALTER Stainless Steel

electronic Salt & Pepper

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RRP £25.00 Our Price

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SHIATSU Plus Massaging Cushion Model SBM 300 Never in your life will you experience a more invigorating massage-you’ll actually feel as if a massage therapist is hidden inside the cushion. Consumer Digest has awarded it a Best Buy Award. RRP £169.99 Our Price £139.99

On production of this advert you will receive 10% discount off anything you purchase 10%

DISCOUNT ON ANY PURCHASE

ALLIED WEIGHINGProviding weighing solutions for the future

17A CHURCH STREET, AMPTHILLOpposite the NatWest Bank behind Martins Newsagent

Telephone: 01525 841306

SUNDAY OPENING! Fancy a ploughmans or a cream tea after a walk or shopping? We’d be happy to oblige!

We will be changing our Sunday opening times to 11 am - 5 pm from the 17 May to

coincide with Waitrose.

SUPERB SCANPAN OFFERS! 35% OFF!!

Induction compatible roasters, Titanium non-stick coated saucepans and frying pans with

35% off! Great prices for exceptional bits of kit!

JOB VACANCY

Vacancy for a customer service advisor for Saturdays and a week day. If you are energetic, customer service driven, proactive, confident and

practical; we’d be delighted for you to join our team! Please call Katherine to discuss further.

Open 7 days a week!

4b Bedford Street, Ampthill Tel: 01525 402023

Redbornstoke Morris are always looking for new dancers and musicians and YOU could quickly become part of a great team. YOU are welcome to join at any time - the only requirements are that you are male and keen to learn. The best thing to do is come along and watch us dance - you’ll find our programme at www.redbornstoke.com - and have a chat with any of us, or please ring Andrew on 01234 212110.

FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at The White Hart Hotel car park.

We have a large function room available for hire for any special occasion - £60.00 for members, £110.00 for non members.

WE HAVE PARKING AVAILABLE WITH EASY ACCESS TO THE STATION FOR A NOMINAL

FEE OF £40.00 PER MONTH Please ring on the above number or call in - we are open from 6.00

pm onwards apart from Sundays: 12.00 noon

The Flitwick Club20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555

Lesh Go to Perf tomorrow

1974 North West Australia Part II

Harry and I, working in a Laboratory in a mining town in NW Australia had decided we needed a car to see the countryside on our days off. About 10.00 hrs the next day I found Harry and asked if he had also mysteriously acquired a one-way ticket to P e r t h . A f t e r s o m e discussion we discovered that witnesses would confirm we had to get to the local airstrip where we would board a plane to Perth. I thought at the time how much I like surprises; it was all news to me.

Some 8 hours later we arrived at my old flat in 110 Loftus Street, North Perth where my old flat mates were surprised but still happy to give floor space to my buddy and me. By the next day we were quite sober and had the task of reading the ads to find a suitable car. We soon settled on a Mini Moke for about $200 and by day 3 were ready to drive the 1000 miles back to Cape Lambert. It amazes me that the only recollection of the journey back is the Silver Highway. As you drive North from Perth, the road ahead shines like a glistening silver line. This is the result of many folk discarding their beer

cans into the side of the road where the weather takes off the labels and leaves the steel (in those days) to reflect a silver light. One other interesting fact was the discovery that the radiator had a major leak! Not good when driving in the Tropics. Anyway, we got back to Cape Lambert on time and the little red Moke gave us many wonderful trips into the bush before I bought Harry’s share and drove it round the Top End to Alice Spr ings and on to Melbourne, but that is another story. Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr

I thought I’d got away with it! But no those wretched studio chaps got me! I star in a powerful legal drama currently on the television. But who am I? The answer is at the foot of the page.

Rose Byrne from BBC show ‘Damages’

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Partly to change the subject and partly because I felt there was some information to be gathered from a resident, I asked; “We’re kinda interested in the paranormal and looking for signs of, you know, strange things happening, weird stuff that’s hard to explain. You come across anything like that?” He beamed up at me with a mis c h i e vo us t wi n k l e enhanced by the large lenses of his spectacles, “Oh aye, right enough, they’re all barmy here, that’s what makes it such a great place to live. I’ve never known anywhere like it! You go to that pub over the road there at early doors and you’ll see what I mean. Proper barmy but good fun and decent with it.” To be continued

By Michael McSpleen Episode 4005 O u r n e w f o u n d acquaintance seemed to warm to this. “Oh, I see, you’re American are you. Well, there’s a lot to see here. I’ve been all over and have to say, I rather like it here. It’s peaceful but with enough going on to keep you interested and handy for everywhere. Is this the wife then?” I was going to jump in and cover that one off in case she gave the game away with an unprompted reaction but she beat me to it, as far as he was concerned anyway, from the look on her face, as he immediately continued; “Oh, I see, well I’m sure he’ll pop the question soon enough, pretty lass like you” and chuckled in a comfortable way as though at a private joke.

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Here are some more observations from the wacky world of Montgolfier: On leaving the village pub a tramp handed the landlord a £50 note for safe keeping. The local vet gives the landlord a bill for £50 for his fees. The landlord uses the £50 note to pay the bill. When the vet arrives home the coalman is delivering £50 worth of coal so the vet uses the £50 note to pay the coalman. A couple of nights later the coalman goes down to the pub for a drink and asks the landlord ‘How much were the drinks we had from you?’ He said ‘£50.’ So he handed the note to the landlord who put the £50 note behind the clock for the tramp. The following night the tramp came in and the landlord handed the tramp his £50 note. The tramp immediately tore it up and said ‘I found out it was a fake.’ Well, everyone has been paid with a dud note and no-one has lost out. Except perhaps the tramp. The reason moths never get fat is because they only eat holes.I took my girlfriend for a flight in a hot-air balloon for a birthday present. It was a beautiful morning with the sun rising and everywhere looking gorgeous. I asked her what she was thinking. She said ‘I’m trying to remember if I made my bed before I came out.’ I saw a sign at a farm entrance saying ‘Meadow hay for sale.’ - Is it possible to get any other sort of hay. Incidentally - have you seen anyone who asked me where you were?

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So on to news concerning my quest in trying to lose those extra pounds. Well, not to waste too much time using feeble excuses and try to find just reason for a sheer lack of discipline, I can only come clean and say that I have pathetically fallen short of anywhere near my target set last year.Topbird is also not amused; she was very impressed with the reasonable start all those months ago, even though she did have her doubts on my f u l l c o m m i t m e n t . Fortunately saying “I told you so” and “I knew you would not keep it up” (no

pun intended there) does not venture into her persona, even though she would be totally within her rights to do so. No, she is unimpressed as even though I have fallen back into bad habits again, there was an incentive for her as well to keep the pounds down. Topbird now blames yours truly for the fact that she is a size bigger. From my initial weight, when I star ted this undertaking, I have now managed to gain 7 lbs overall, it does not sound that much but when you add on the 6 lbs I had lost prior to my lack of self-control, and the smugness I attributed to that initial weight loss it weighs heavy indeed.

So here we are again, and this time the plan of attack is to stick to my plan, whatever it is; as I have yet to compose my strategy. It will include however a month off the booze, which bizarrely takes very little effort on my behalf, more salads and less of the treat meals such as curries and pub food. This month’s anecdotal offering comes from good old Anne Widdecombe who once said “I would rather be fat and jolly than thin and cross” Anne Widdecombe 1947: in the Independent 19th June 1998. As always all characters and events portrayed in this diary are real and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely intentional.

Episode 9:……………….A Fat Chance.

Well for all of you who follow my adventures every month, either out of idle interest or from just bemusement, I apologise for my token effort last month. It was a futile attempt at a protest to Fuddles, it goes without saying that it failed miserably, nevertheless I felt a little justified. He had been complaining about the length of my article and actually had the temerity to edit the piece himself the month previous. Anyway with my protest over and a writers’ truce in place we continue.

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