the fuddler january 2009

A & F Fabrics LtdYour LocalLocal Carpet

and Upholstery Cleaning Service

All furniture moved and replaced Stain and odour removal Stain Shield protective treatments All work fully insured and guaranteed

‘Providing a Hassle Free service from our professional and friendly cleaners’

CALL NOW FOR A FREE NO OBLIGATION QUOTE

01525 403624Email: [email protected]

PUB & FINE INDIAN DINING Saffron Restaurant, in Steppingley Road has been fully refurbished and has changed it’s identity to the Drover’s Arms

New bar area Exciting new menu Relaxing surroundings Open all day, every day from 12.00 noon till 12. Am Take away service collection only

THE DROVERS ARMS 01525 715697 Flitwick Road, Steppingley, Beds www.droversarms.eu

BAR & RESTAURANT Live Jazz every Monday restarting end of January 10 Fantastic en-suite double rooms Stable Bar open every day - DJs on rotation every weekend. Open till 2 am Friday & Saturday Excellent wine & champagne selection NEW CHEF creating our Bar & A La Carte menu Sunday Lunch - 1 Course £6.95, 3 Course £9.95

THE WHITE HART HOTEL 01525 406863 125 Dunstable Street, Ampthill, Beds www.whitehartampthill.co.uk

Do you need a venue for a Friday or

Saturday night party?

Ampthill Town FC offers a fully licensed bar, excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people

For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow

01525-750217

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT

R.P.P.T (Registered Professional Pest Technician) Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc

Fully Insured Special Rate

for OAPS! Free Estimate01525 288207 07500 431131

D & G SHORT

NEED A LOCKSMITH?

Please turn to our ad

on page 15

Plus - All aspects of

home security

FIXED PRICE AERIAL

INSTALLATIONS

See our ad on page 23

Hello! Happy New Year! We hope you had a wonderful Christmas and welcome to another packed edition of The Fuddler! As always, there’s lots of fun and nonsense inside with all your favourite characters. We hope you will enjoy the edition and if you’ve made

a New Year’s resolution we hope you will resolve to carefully check what our advertisers are saying as without doubt - ‘Whatever you are looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’

If you would like to advertise with us please see page 4 for contact details.

Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750

CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE

111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096

Eddie’s New Year advice to gentlemen …

Never ever interrupt women’s conversations because he only asked a

lady how the food was and he got bashed by an umbrella and handbags, he’s now

black and blue, and she’s STILL talking!

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Winter now firmly here, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.

Maulden Players will be performing their annual Pantomime at Maulden Village Hall in January. This year it is a new take on the popular favourite “Mother Goose” and all profits from the Panto will go to local charities. Mother Goose is evicted from her cottage but acquires a goose that lays golden eggs. The evil wizard threatens to spoil her good fortune but everything works out well in the end. Fun for all the family and a laugh a minute. Performances are on Friday January 30th at 8.00 pm and Saturday January 31st at 2.00 pm and 7.30 pm. Ticket prices are £7 for adults and £5 for concessions. To book tickets call Hazel on 01525 631964 (mobile:07966192830) or Phil on 01525 402706.

There is to be an evening of clairvoyance at Maulden Village Hall on Saturday 14th February with proceeds going to Keech Cottage Children's Hospice. Visiting Medium Bill Forester will be in attendance and doors open at 7.00 pm. Tickets for the event cost £7.00 and refreshments will be available.

For more details please contact Barrie on 01234 308357

(Serving Ampthill, Maulden & Millbrook)

Would you like to help those in need in your community?

We are currently looking for the following volunteers to assist our vital community scheme: Drivers - who are able to provide lifts to and from local hospitals, doctor’s surgeries, opticians, dentists and shops. (Your Mileage is repaid at 40p per mile). For more details on becoming a volunteer contact Mark Smith (Chairman of Ampthill & District Good Neighbours) for more details on 402560 (home) or 01234 354366 (work) or alternatively download a volunteer sign up form from www.ampthill.org.uk/goodneighbours.htm.

F o l l o w i n g t h e overwhelming success of the 2008 Wedding Fayre, The Rufus Centre in Flitwick will be holding a 2009 Fayre on Sunday 15th March from 11 am - 3 pm. Entry to the event is free and a big feature will be the interactive catwalks plus lots more besides.

The Rufus Centre Steppingley Road

Flitwick Bedfordshire MK451AH

If you would like more information please contact Nigella or Mary on 01525 631905

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959

We stock: Cardmaking & Scrapbooking Supplies Helium & Latex Balloons, Banners & Table Confetti Robin, Wendy & Rico knitting wool & Patterns

Coming Soon:- Embroidery Silks & Tapestry Wool

2 WEEK SALE!3rd to 16th January inclusive

50% off Christmas stock and 25% off many lines

Building Preservation Specialists Damp Proofing Woodworm Treatments Dry / Wet Rot Treatments Basement Waterproofing

Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655 Mobile: 07850 727752 email: [email protected]

16 Tavistock Avenue, Ampthill, Bedford. MK45 2RY

COVERING •AMPTHILL, •BARTON LE CLAY, •CLOPHILL, •FLITWICK,

•HOUGHTON CONQUEST, •LIDLINGTON, •MARSTON MORETAINE, •RIDGMONT

•SILSOE, •STEWARTBY, •WESTONING, •WOBURN, & ALL OTHER MID BEDS AREAS.

•AIRPORT SPECIALISTS •CORPORATE ACCOUNTS WELCOME

Competitive Rates, Advance Bookings and a friendly service to rely on - 24 hours a day!

THE FIRS GUEST HOUSE (&Village Shop)

85, High Street, Ridgmont, Beds Tel: 01525 280279

ATTENTION CONTRACTORS - ARE YOU LOOKING FOR B&B? We have 10 letting rooms and prices from just £25.00 pppn including full English breakfast!

ALSO .. MEALS TO GO - IN A BOX!! Liver & bacon mash + veg, Chilli + Jacket Potato, Beef

Casserole mash + veg, Lasagne, breakfasts plus lots more too numerous to list! ALL AT £4.00!!!

“All you expect a village shop to be ... And more!”

Across: 1 Filly, 4 Steins, 9 Diverse, 10 Arson, 11 Lily, 12 Resolve, 13 Mad, 14 Shoe, 16 Pine, 18 Sit, 20 Uranium, 21 Itch, 24 Music, 25 Reptile, 26 Rhymes, 27 Ledge

Down: 1 Fiddle, 2 Level, 3 Yard, 5 Transept, 6 Insulin, 7 Singer, 8 Beard, 13 Mediocre, 15 Hearsay, 17 Murmur, 18 Smart, 19 Cheese, 22 Tried, 23 Opal

“The Fuddler” i s p u b l i s hed by MDA Publications and printed by Digital Print Bureau. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

A BRIANISM When I drink now, I line

up all the bottles then just drink the 1st, 3rd, 5th etc. This is because my doctor has told me I should only

have the odd drink!

Visit our showroom. Over 70 modern and traditional fireplaces and stoves on display.

1, Woburn Street, Ampthill, Beds

Tel: 01525 841199 www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk Monday to Saturday 10.30 am - 5 pm Sunday 11 am - 2 pm

January offer - FREE Ecoal with every multifuel fireplace or stove purchased in January.

Bookkeeping and Payroll Services A-O-S-Ltd is a local, family run bookkeeping and payroll service. We work either at your office or ours.

Telephone: 01525 631698 web: a-o-s-ltd.com e-mail:[email protected]

‘A very Happy New Year to all our friends and members’ We have a large function room available for hire for any special occasion -

£60.00 for members, £110.00 for non members. The club can also offer ample parking facilities for £40.00 per month

including free membership to the club! January 15th Thursday quiz nite recommences after the Christmas break,

newcomers welcome - 8.30 pm onwards. Cash prize of £25.00 for the winning team. Higher and Lower game to finish

Mondays youth darts 7.00 pm to 9.00 pm newcomers welcome

The Flitwick Club20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

Check-It-Out and Duster told me I should continue with my theme on things that a gentleman should

never do. Ergo: A gentleman should never gain a reputation

for working too hard, nor should he refer to games such as football as sport, nor eat soup at luncheon and certainly never call a

boating coat a ‘Blazer’ So now you know and a Happy New Year to all.

Ciao

Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer

at trade prices!

WWW.COMFORT MATTRESS.CO.UK

At Comfort Mattress we manufacture and distribute high quality

Memory Foam mattresses locally from Shefford.

We sell direct to the public and trade cutting out the middle men, allowing us to sell a range of foam products at

FANTASTIC low prices!! Take advantage of massive

discounted prices only available from our Factory Outlet at

12C Oldbridge Way, Shefford Ind Est, Beds SG17 5HQ

30% Discount off web site prices with this voucher.

Not to used with any other offer

YOUR LOCAL

No.1 For Scooters,

Stairlifts & Mobility

Can’t get to us? Call now to organise a free

no pressure home demonstration with one of our friendly

sales advisors.

Curved & Straight stairlifts available.

New and used Scooters, part ex

welcome. Wheelchairs,

Ramps, Walking Sticks, Grab Rails,

Tri-Walkers, Rollators, Bathlifts, Waterproof Clothing

& much more. For more information call us or

visit our website at www.comforthomecare.co.uk

Across: 5 Prepares for publication material on new diets (5) 8 I shot pal where people may need to go a long way towards meting out ill treatment! (8) 9 Ken’s disturbed a reptile (5) 10 Not long period of insufficient supply (8) 11 Obscure outline of daub (5) 14 Went in front and conducted. (3) 16 Picturesque cave got damaged by rot (6) 17 Bandit banished person (6) 18 Inept person gets soaked (3) 20 Quite sheer (5) 24 One’s better in higher position! (8) 25 Channel carrying off liquid is dry (5) 26 Super oil refinery becomes exposed to imminent risk of destruction (8) 27 Make vehicle depart to collect goods carried by ship (5)

Down: 1 The pursuit of hunting (5) 2 A Northerner seen at southern racecourse (5) 3 Leans over to one side carrying catalogues (5) 4 Dispute terms with Leah holding two notes of the same value (6) 6 It may end up shattered by high explosive (8) 7 Restaurant providing food to be eaten outside is prepared to make deduction (4,4) 12 Standard of judgement used by Eric and his Auntie Rita (8) 13 Jumping in the beginning (8) 14 Cattle sounded dejected (3) 15 Small spot seen over an eye, we hear (3) 19 Short musical compositions including many duets in E flat (6) 21 Send money by post for return of timer (5) 22 Flyer and I enter into conspiracy (5) 23 The violent impact of financial ruin? (5)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

8

9

10

11

12 12 14 15

16 17

18 19

20 21 22 23

24

25

26

27

Do you find it difficult to get a reliable tradesman to do the small to medium sized jobs around your house? Then we are the answer to your prayers! We have many years experience in carrying out all types of general domestic maintenance. No job is too small, work is carried out to the highest standards and is realistically priced. Call Paul on 01525 751752 or 07906 221444

for a free written estimate. References available.

General carpentry Kitchen fitting Tiling Decorating

Garden decking Fencing Timber structures And much, much more ...

For a 1st Class MILK DELIVERY

SERVICE TELEPHONE 01525 402206

Free doorstep delivery of organic milk plus …

Maulden Dairies Warren Farm, Woburn Street, Millbrook

… GARDEN SUPPLIES INCLUDING MULTI PURPOSE COMPOST, GARDEN PEAT,

FERTILISER ETC - ALL DELIVERED RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!

Meerkat…………………A Sighting of St George? Picture the scene……………A Christmas social gathering, around sixty people present, plenty of food but no wine!! At first it was rather a joke with the feeling that all would be well and the wine would be flowing shortly. However, by 8 pm it ceased to be a joke and became a panic as still no sign of the wine. Taking a deep breath Meerkat tried to soothe her fragile fraying nerves. Looking up she saw him, standing there, a l l m a s c u l i n e a n d masterful……… no, no don’t do the roll of drums bit for it was NOT St. George on a white charger with spear in hand ready

to do battle, it was Honky -Tonk, grin on face and keys to his 4 x 4 in his hands – well not far off really, when you come to think of it. Anyway, off went Meerkat and Honky to the local store with strict instructions from Lionheart of how many bottles of wine to get. Drive in, park, grab a trolley and march with all haste to the wine section. No time to do the connoisseur bit – just grab the bottles with the acceptable labels and keep moving. Suddenly a voice was heard “what are those two people doing running down the store?” Oh my, thinks Meerkat, they must imagine the wine is being high jacked!! giggle. giggle, giggle. Think what they like this was an important mission and reputations were at stake here!

Within seconds and with precision the trolley finds itself at the self service check out. No, now what? - neither Meerkat nor Honky, know how to work this one. Another panic, but, luckily along comes a most helpful assistant who scans the bottles as Meerkat and Honky get packing. All paid for in some machine contraption (which actually gave change) – another quick dash to the car - stack it all in and off back to the social gathering. All done and dusted by 8.30 pm and wine flowing by 8.40 pm. Phew! The moral of this story? Don’t dismiss St George, he is still very much with us today but sometimes you just have to look with imagination a little deeper. (Thanks to Honky Tonk for saving the day.)

THE MEERKAT

With Geoffrey THE Golfer Jeremy's wife asked him why he didn’t play golf with Patrick any more. Jeremy asked her ‘Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?’ ‘Certainly not, dear’ she replied. ‘Well, neither would he.’ GTG

CL Plastering Services

Fully Insured Free Quotations

No Job too Big or Small

Reliable & Quick Tidy Service

07887 623424 or 01908 540165

All aspects of Plastering

20 years experience

DAVID HARRIS Landscape and design

Friendly service for all your garden requirements. Free quotation with no obligation

Tel: 01525 717 188 Mob: 07816 116 385

Soon, trades people will be able to save a huge amount of money on Tool Hire and Building Supplies!

WATCH THIS SPACE

WE’RE GETTING THERE AS FAST AS WE CAN!!

Options at Retirement can enhance your pension incomeOften when writing these articles we wonder whether they are pitched at the right level or whether we are ‘teaching grandmothers to suck eggs’. Obviously there is a broad range of readers and their knowledge will vary considerably. On the whole, however, many professionals assume that the general public have a greater financial knowledge than they actually do. This is certainly borne out by recent research, undertaken by the life company Zurich, which I have to admit surprised all of us here and perhaps acts as a salutary lesson.

The research concentrated upon ‘Tax Reliefs and Rules’ and looked at the population’s knowledge of this area. Some of the figures were not a surprise, such as only 10%* of people knew the tax treatment of investing in stocks and shares. Bearing in mind the percentage of the population that this effects, a figure of 10% is not that surprising. Perhaps more surprising (bearing in mind their popularity) is that 60% did not know the tax rules applying to Individual Savings Accounts and 75% were unaware that they are entitled to tax relief on pension contributions.

Unsurprisingly there is a clear increase in the knowledge base as people get older. For instance, on the question of tax relief

Advison is a small, friendly and reliable firm specialising in Investments, Retirement Planning and IHT Mitigation.

We offer a return to the traditional values only a smaller company can offer, a service we find

is appreciated by the more discerning client.

All staff at Advison are either AFPC or FPC qualified.

------------------Expert, Independent Advice------------------

Regularly quoted in the National Press for over 10 years Used as financial planning experts on BBC, Sky, Bloomberg and others

Choice Magazine’s Pensions and Trusts expert Planned Savings Magazine – National Estate Planner of the Year

Please call us for a preliminary chat or to arrange an appointment.

No 7, Water End Barns, Eversholt (Nr Woburn), Beds. MK17 9EA

T: 01525 288488 E Mail: [email protected]

Advison Ltd is an appointed representative of IN Partnership the trading name of The On-Line Partnership Limited which is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority. Registered (England) No. 5009271

Finance Matters Brought to you by Advison Independent Financial Advisers

Expert independent advice is essential to ensure you make the most of the opportunities available for you and to establish an effective strategy. Unlike many IFAs, Advison not only provides the initial advice you require but also produces regular personalised reviews of your Investments, Pensions and Protection Policies, enabling us to ensure the assets you hold are still relevant to your circumstances. We would be pleased to discuss your specific situation and plan the most appropriate course of action for you. For full details about Advison please see our advertisement below.

on pensions, 82% of those aged 25-34 were unaware, whereas in the over 55 age group this figure dropped dramatically to only 31%. This makes perfect sense as knowledge should increase as you get older and also many of the areas being looked at are more relevant to those in the older age brackets.

What is interesting is that, in our experience, it is the older (and more knowledgeable) age groups that actually seek the most advice, yet often it is the younger age groups that could benefit more from the advice. If you take someone age 55, there is a reasonable chance they no longer have a mortgage, or if they do it is relatively small and if they have children then they are no longer dependent. For an average 35 year old, they are more likely to be in the middle of raising a family and also have a relatively higher level of mortgage. Of the two, it could be argued that the 35 year old is most in need of general financial advice to make the most of a tighter monetary situation.

Independent Financial Advisers are able to help individuals in a number of ways and with most offering a free initial meeting, there is nothing to lose in seeing how they may be able to help you.

*All figures supplied by Zurich

By Julio Van Peebles 1) Has the intelligence of a brush ever been monitored? 2) Do tall people have longer beds? 3) How do those dead bugs get into an enclosed light fitting? 4) How fast is slow? 5) If someone makes a fortune out of refrigeration, is he a fridge magnate?

Julio's Top Tip: Place four empty Smartie tubes on the legs of your cat and watch it walk like a robot ! N.B. To the Julio fan (great taste) who wrote in with a number of personal worries last month : Firstly three of your worries have already been listed and duly worried about and secondly why did you make me spend the whole of the festive period double worrying over the things I haven't got round to worrying about yet?!

Avec Monsieur Lolo from France Bonjour mes amis and a very ’appy New Year. This month I ’ave found a picture of this lion’s face …

… or is it many zebras? Ah! Sacre Bleu. Je ne sais pas! I just cannot decide! But what do you see?

Au revoir until next time.

With Dave (Theo) Saurus Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. ‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective. ‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied. ‘A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?’ ‘I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

Bognor

AT HOME OR WORK Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished

Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485

Mobile 07977 605987 email: [email protected]

BMJ HOME & GARDEN SERVICES For all those jobs around the house and

garden, that you never have time for! Tel: Joolz or Michael on

01525 211670Mob: 07871 802815

Outstanding gardens designed for

outdoor living

Oh dear! Babs hasn’t got off to a very good start this year. After a very hectic festive season with many parties, meals etc., Babs found that she had put on a few extra pounds and thus resolved to take some regular exercise to regain her pre-Christmas weight. Whilst walking along the river bank, a lady on the opposite bank called over to her ‘Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?’ After a quick survey of the river, Babs called back helpfully ‘You ARE on the other side’

My New Year’s resolution is not to work out. My philosophy is no pain - no pain. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. My friend’s husband is so silly that she said if you gave him a penny for intelligence - you’d get change back. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. Is an autobiography the life story of an automobile? Would the collective term for limbo dancers be an undulation? Never eat more than you can lift. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. If you are ambidextrous do you split the difference? 1 1565 by Conrad Gesner, 2 Fish, 3

Water Garden, 4 1807 (Napoleonic Wars), 5 Charles Watson-Wentworth, Marquis of Rockingham, 6 Scotland, 7 SG, 8 Waterfall, 9 Cross, 10 Fleet

1. When was the pencil invented? 2. What is a Dorado? 3. Where would you find Fairy

Moss? 4. When was the battle of Eylau? 5. Who was Prime Minister of

Great Britain from 1765-6 and again in 1782?

6. Where does the cheese Hramsa come from?

7. What is the symbol for the c h e m i c a l e l e m e n t Seaborgium?

8. Yosemite is the highest what in North America?

9. What is a pommé? 10.The collective name for the

coot is what?

Building & Roofing Tel: 01525 403563

Mob: 07979 053834

YOUR LOCAL OFFICE SUPPLIES COMPANY

Full range of Office Stationery Computer Consumables

Inks and Toners Print Service

Office Furniture And much more

t: 01525 633336 f: 01525 634444

Unit 1, 101 Ampthill Road Flitwick Beds MK45 1BE

www.businesspoint.uk.com email: [email protected]

TRADE ENQUIRIES AND ACCOUNTS WELCOME

CALL 01525

75 55 50

MOB: 07903374712

1 to 7 SEATER - PRIVATE HIRE TAXI SERVICE

AIRPORT TRANSFERS - DAYS & NIGHTS OUT COASTAL DAYS OUT - WEST END SHOWS

LUTON AIRPORT RETURN FROM £45.00!

CANCER (June 22-July 23) As we start the headlong rush into the New Year it is important for you to keep both feet firmly on the ground. Don’t get carried away by a new plan. LEO (July 24-August 23) It looks to be an adventurous time on the travel front. Could you be planning a long term trip perhaps, or maybe just to far away places. VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) This year seems to hold an exciting career opportunity with many changes in store. Whatever you do keep your nerve when deciding. LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Although all may not have been well with your love life, it is time to wear your heart on your sleeve and then things must get better. SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) The planetary alignments towards the end of the month appear to indicate a financial gain in some form. Have you applied for a new job? SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) Sagittarians have always been generous of spirit but sometimes that could lead to your downfall. Take care who you decide to trust.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) A great strain in life is sometimes having to live up to the standards we set for ourselves. It will not hurt to relax for a while. AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) Early next month seems to be important for you. It could involve a decision about a possible move to a new area - and a new life. PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) It may be a good idea to draw in the reins a bit after Christmas. Finances look a little strained right now, but will get better if you are prudent. ARIES (March 21-April 20) You may find some welcome surprises just round the corner this year. That is unless you don’t grasp the opportunities presented to you. TAURUS (April 21-May 21) Why not let go of the one thing that has been holding you back for a while. There is a great future for you if only you could see it. GEMINI (May 22-June 21) There is only so much you can take on without impairing your own efficiency. Only take on what you can do, and do well.

...are Milton Keynes’s premier airport transfer company.

Whether a business trip, or a much needed break, Airports Direct are dedicated to getting you to

and from your airport stress free and in comfort and style. 100% reliable, professional service

guaranteed. DVD’s / coolers available.

T: 0800 707 6003 E: [email protected]

www.airportsdirectmk.com

33 White Alder, Stacey Bushes Milton Keynes, MK12 6HE

Company No. 5318754 (England & Wales)

IAIM INFANT MASSAGE COURSE

5 weeks

COMMENCING JANUARY

1 to 1 time with your baby / grandchild

BENEFITS INCLUDE RELAXATION,

BONDING, STIMULATION AND PAIN RELIEF, may help relieve colic wind,

constipation, tummy pain, teething pain

SMALL CLASSES Morning and afternoon courses

Refreshments

PERSONAL 1-1 instruction ALSO AVAILABLE

Courses held at Methodist Church,

Ampthill (entrance in Chandos Road) Also classes held in Flitwick

For further details Contact: Gaynor Strange

01525 716891

www.gaynorstrange.co.uk email:[email protected]

The planning has already begun!Would you like to get involved planning the 2009 Ampthill Festival? Well planning may have already started, but it’s never too late to get involved! Why not join our planning committee, as we need help in planning the following on Gala Day, namely:

· The Arena Stage · The Music Stage · The Festival Site Attractions, Rides, Fun Fair,

Charity and Business Stalls & Food Concessions · The Festival Parade

Sub-committees do the ‘leg work’ in planning the above and additional sub-committees also plan the Art Festival and consider fundraising, sponsorship and publicity. It should not be forgotten that Ampthill Festival is reliant and a small band of dedicated volunteers who organise Ampthill Festival each year and that it is not the Town Council that stage the event as many think! We are however very grateful for the Town Council’s continued support. Also, have you got any ideas that might reinvigorate and refresh the Festival? If so, contact us with your ideas. We would love to hear from you! Please contact Mark Smith (Home 402560 or Work 01234 354366 or [email protected]). Alternatively, visit www.ampthill.org.uk/festival.htm for more details. Mark Smith, Ampthill Festival Committee

37 Church Street Ampthill Beds 01525 403321 (Bar) or 841736 (Office)

OPEN EVENINGSaturday 31st January 2009

Join the members of the Club in celebrating the reopening of their

newly refurbished Lounge Bar.

GREAT DOUBLE BILL OF ENTERTAINMENT

IN THE LOUNGE (between 8.30 and 10.30 only) Believe the Unbelievable! Prepare to be AMAZED! A magical evening with CLOSE-UP MAGICIAN

MATTHEW GARRETT

IN THE BAR From 9 pm

Great music from Local Legend

PAUL ‘HONKY’ ROBERTS

BEAT THE CRUNCH There has never been a better time to be a member

of The Wingfield Club Lagers: Carling, Carlsberg and Fosters £2.50

Kronenbourg £2.60 Greene King IPA and John Smiths Smooth £2.25

House Spirits (Double measure) £1.90 Branded Spirits (Single measure) £1.60

Magners Cider £3.00 J20/55’s £1.25

MEMBERSHIP RENEWAL SUBSCRIPTIONS DUE FROM 1st JANUARY 2009

Freshly prepared: Homemade soups £2.95

Amazing breakfasts from £3.50 Daily specials and lunches

Cream teas plus a selection of homemade cakes & scones ...

Dingley Dell Garden Centre, Toddington Road, Westoning

Tel: 07884 366300

Harry & Glenda at The Bayleaf Tea Room, Dingley Dell, would like to t h a n k o u r customers old and new for their continued support.

We wish you all a very Happy New Year!

13th January

Here’s another culinary snap of what happens when chefs play!

Thanks again Sir! Any more?

From Long Suphering Hall ... His Lordship: We are having an economy drive, I have decided we are not to buy anything else until what we have is used up. His Lordship same evening: Where is the toothpaste kept, this tube is all gone. His Lordship next morning: There is no toilet paper. Her Ladyship: Well you did say don’t buy anything else until we have used up what we have!!!!

There is a moral to this story, don’t interfere with a well run household even if your wife is out of action for two months due to having a new knee. It might backfire!!!

PAT - you knew we wouldn’t forget you! Happy Birthday for 28th!!

Courtesy Ruby To start the year we have the word ‘Anchorite’ - do you know what it means? Answer is at the foot of the page. (Thanks again for that one.)

Hermit; recluse

CAUTION: The consumption of

alcohol may make you think you are whispering.

When you are not.

Happy Birthday to Minichap on 31st January

MICK HULATTCARPENTRY SERVICES

QUALITY CRAFTSMAN EST.1990 FOR ALL ASPECTS OF

CARPENTRY & BUILDING WORK Call: 01525 713590 or 07949 072133

E-mail: [email protected]

Bugged by a bug? Computer broke? Foxed by email? Internet slow?

Computer repairs, Hardware or Software, Security, Networks, Internet, Computer and software training,

In your home or office, Fixed rates - no call out charge

Good to see you’ve bounced back!

▼ C

hain

saw

Pro

tect

ive

Clot

hing

▼ L

ands

cape

& C

ontr

acto

rs' T

ools

▼ Chainsaws ▼ Strimmers ▼ Hedgecutters ▼ Brush Cutters ▼ Lawn Mowers ▼ Disk Cutters ▼

Blowers ▼

Tree Surgery Equipment ▼

Lawnm

owers ▼

Hand Tools ▼

POWER TOOLSPOWER TOOLS

Professional Lawn Care & Tree Surgery EquipmentProfessional Lawn Care & Tree Surgery Equipment

Service, Sales& Spares

Service, Sales& SparesWOODCHIPPERS

Sale/Hire

Mark—Apprentice Stylist

Think hair. Think colour. Think cuts.

Think cutting the cost of colouring!

When the sculptor Michelangelo looked at a block of marble, he saw the figure of ‘David’ waiting to emerge. In the same way, when you walk into our salon, we can see your hidden beauty waiting to emerge. We won’t mess around with big promises and small results. We won’t charge you like a wounded bull. We will make sure you’re 100% satisfied with your hair and you’ll look infinitely better leaving than you did coming in. We will make certain you come back again. And again. Because when you’ve seen what we can do for you, you’ll want to see a lot more of us. So think transformation. Think Kevin Reynolds. Then call us. You’ll be delighted you did.

Printers Court , 11c Church Street, Ampthill, MK45 2PL. Through the archway, opposite the Natwest.

01525 841992www.kevinreynolds.info *Offer ends February 14th 2009. Discount cannot be combined with existing discounted services e.g. senior citizens’ offers. The alchemy of transformation

More worries sent to us by a fan of Julio Van Peebles just to torment him! When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going !' Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

Over to you again Julio!

FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at The White Hart Hotel car park.

We take care of EVERYTHING WE WILL DESIGN AND INSTALL YOUR

BATHROOM, OLD SUITES DISPOSED OF ALL WORK FULLY GUARANTEED BEAUTIFUL RANGE OF TOP NAME

SUITES & SHOWERS

PLUMBING ELECTRICS CARPENTRY TILING FLOORING DECORATING

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SUZANNE

FOR 6th JANUARY

Birthday Greetings to Michael the Sheep

for the 28th

If you love books, you’ll love the new Reader from Sony. Invented especially for book lovers, Reader is the best way to enjoy the new generation of electronic books. Slim and compact, it lets you store and carry around 160 books with you wherever you go. It’s as simple and absorbing as reading a real paper book. If you travel for business you can store PDF and text documents to read on the train or plane. You can also store j.peg pictures. No more heavy documents to carry round with you. The Reader is only 8 mm thick and weighs just 260 gms or 9 ozs. If you want to add additional memory and more books you can do so by using a 16 gb SD memory card or memory stick duo from Sony. Some of the features of Reader are as follows:

The Sony Reader has a six inch readable screen and easily fits into a jacket pocket or handbag. Battery life will last for around 7000 page turns. Automatically remembers the last page you were reading, so you don’t have to. You can find the list of books stored either by, Author, Title or Date. Comes with Tan Leather cover. Only two hour charge time or four hours from a laptop. 1000’s of books available for download from Waterstone’s.

Call into Tavistock Sound and Vision, 21 The Broadway, Bedford. Tel: 01234 356323 for a demonstration. (See also their ad back page)George Morton The Michael R Peters Group

THE WHEATSHEAF

‘Flitwick’s Traditional Pub’ HIGH STREET FLITWICK

01525 712574

SKY AND SETANTA SPORTSOn 2 large screens -

all major sporting events!

A very Happy New Year to all from Andy and Yvonne Saturday 24th January

Amy B Friday 30th January

SOUL MAN Friday 13th February

KARAOKE Saturday 28th February THE REGGAE MAN

Every Thursday - TEXAS HOLD ’EM POKER NIGHT!

Lounge available free of charge for functions

P J Dennis Plumbing & Heating Services Ltd

Tel 01525-403924 Mobile 07860-504222.www.pjdennisplumbingandheating.co.uk

Established 21 years & specialising in renewable energy.

We also carry out the following services:

Power flushing of heating & boiler system.

Solar hot water systems.

Boiler services, Gas & Oil.

Bathroom refurbishments.

Prestigious new build, we can offer

a complete bespoke design & install service.

Corgi & Oftec registered & registered installers

of Nu-Heat under-floor heating systems (Log on to www.nu-heat.co.uk/PJDennisAd)

Ground source heat pumps. Under-floor heating systems.

Supplied & installed. Rain harvesting systems

Extensive range of complementary and

holistic health treatments

20% discount off your first treatment with this advert

For a full brochure

Tel. 07928 725581

Rear of 2 Church Street, Ampthill

Introducing … A range of professional beauty treatments with a holistic touch

Luxury Algologie Facials Organic Waxing

Detox Aromatherapy Massage Manicures & Pedicures

Slimming & Toning Massage Herbal Body Wraps

Please call for a full treatment menu. Appointments available Mondays and Fridays (including Friday evenings).

Telephone Sarah on 07968 051257

Pamper Me!Wellness inside and out for men & women

By Sarah Panter, Libra Wellness CentreI hope Fuddler readers found last month’s article on Hopi Ear Candling to be of interest. This month, we’re looking at the healing properties of aromatherapy. Headaches and Migraines – how Aromatherapy can help This is a really big topic and I wish we had more space to cover all the wonderful natural remedies out there. Aromatherapy is a tried and tested remedy for headaches, but there are two key points to note: 1. Aromatherapy works if used as soon as the symptoms start. It isn’t nearly as effective on headaches that have gone on for a while or where they are particularly severe. 2. People react differently to different oils. Some aromas can bring on a headache or migraine so select oils carefully. Lavender is the classic remedy for headaches. This is the only oil that may be applied directly to the skin. Take just 1drop of neat lavender oil and gently massage around the temples, forehead and the base of the skull along the hairline. If the lavender aroma does not suit you try peppermint or rosemary blended with a carrier oil. Use 2 drops of essential oil blended with 1 teaspoon of almond, jojoba or sesame carrier oil and apply in the same way. The essential oils mentioned here are effective for both headaches and migraines. Headaches are often caused by muscular tension in the upper back and neck, often brought on through stress. Professional back, neck and scalp massage can help, and migraines may be brought under control by stimulating pressure points and releasing blocked energy. Combined with aromatherapy massage oil this can be an effective way of reducing the frequency and severity of migraines. Sufferers should also consider Indian Head Massage, a fantastic way to relax and de-stress.

Libra Wellness Centre provides a range of complementary therapies to suit everyone. We’re based at 2nd Floor Rear, 2 Church Street, Ampthill (entrance from The Oxlip). For a free consultation please call 07786 912353.

Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: 01525 403319

email: [email protected]

Open Monday - Thursday 11 am - 2 pm & 5 pm - 11 pm

OPEN ALL DAY FRIDAY, SATURDAY & SUNDAY!

CHOICE OF REAL ALES Plus regular guest ale

SELECTION OF WINES

SKY / SETANTA SPORTS

Coming soon … ACOUSTIC MUSIC Please ask for details

Great value ‘Pub Grub’ menu served

Monday to Friday 12.00 - 2.00

We are also able to accept major Credit and Debit cards

Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare has been recognised as a National 'Centre of Excellence' by one of the Hearing Healthcare Industry’s leading Associations – AIHHP.

The Association of Independent Hearing Healthcare Professionals (AIHHP) represents leading hearing aid audiologists throughout the UK. The Association is recognised by the Government and is consulted regarding national hearing healthcare policy. The prestigious AIHHP ‘Centre of Excellence Award’ is only presented to dispensing companies that combine exceptional professionalism and patient care with the latest hearing technology and diagnostic equipment. Winners must demonstrate that they have adopted defined procedures in hearing healthcare practice management, using only the highest specification testing equipment in consulting rooms and demonstrating knowledge of the most sophisticated, state of the art hearing instruments. Stephen Beale RHAD, FSHAA, MRSH, Owner of Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare, was one of the founding members of AIHHP, and is delighted to see the Practice now lift the prestigious corporate award: "We are thrilled to have been recognised by our peers as an AIHHP Centre of Excellence.”

Stuart Hall Presents Stephen Beale with the AIHHP Award, accompanied by the Chairman of AIHHP, Richard Moss.

STUART PALMER, BA(Hons) DipArch Architect RIBA

FOD Ltd, LINCOLN HOUSE, 21 DUNSTABLE STREET, AMPTHILL MK45 2NJ

T: 01525 406117 M: 07786 862599 E: [email protected]

FOD Ltd would like to wish all our friends and clients a Happy New Year and we look forward to being of service to

you in the coming year.

All domestic extensions, new buildings, private and commercial works

undertaken.

For a professional service andfree design

consultation

BedfordshireHEARINGH althcare

Hearing Aid Audiologist

Rod Stewart supports the

Hear the World InitiativeHearing - one of our most precious giftsIf you are having problems with your hearing we can help you

• Free confidential hearing test• Over 8000 delighted patients• 6 monthly intensive after care programme

Stephen Beale RHAD, FSHAA, MRSHMost experienced hearing aid audiologist in Bedford with over33 years experience

Call today to arrange your FREE hearing testor to request our FREE information pack

01234 34814452 Harpur Street, Bedford. www.bedfordhearing.co.uk

If you are unable to call into our centre, we can arrange a hearing test in the privacy of your home

AIHHPCentre of

Excellence

JU

ST AWARDED

“I can thoroughly recommend Mr

Beale for both the quality of service,

the quality and appropriateness of

the hearing aids supplied.”

Mr D Jones, Bedford

www.hear-the-world.com

Pho

to b

y B

ryan

Ad

ams

Getting the wrong hearing aidis worse than none at all

With Chris Yates Dublin Jacks in Hong Kong is patronised by those seeking home-reminding pints of draught bitter and you-know-what stout. Philip, a Hong Kong Chinese I had just met at work, took me there on a warm April evening. Now Philip was an interesting fellow, not because he was a young techhead with ever-changing life objectives - both qualities beyond my ken – but have you ever met an Ulster-accented Chinaman? Well, if not, he is, or was, your man. The pub doors were bursting, drinkers spilling on to the pavement. Entry was guarded by a young Irishman in a white shirt, tie and black trousers. Hands up, he stopped me. ‘Would you be having an invite?’ ‘Pardon?’ ‘A private party it is, in there, and only by invite.’ ‘Well, we don’t have one: this is a pub, we’re extremely thirsty, and we have come a long way.’ Two out of three, but he didn’t know that, so cross fingers. ‘In that case, you must be going in. And the beer’s free,’ said the guard, his head looking to and fro in fear of witness to such dereliction of duty. Free beer? And such was the case, you only had to pierce the press through to the counter for ready-drawn Kilkenny or Guinness, sweep off one of the many foaming glasses, and hey presto! Outside, I asked Philip, ‘Is this a dream?’ Unblinkingly, he accepted this unheard-of occurrence phlegmatically. ‘What do you mean?’ For all his Belfast brogue he was at heart a Chinaman, inscrutable even in the face of serendipitously gratis grog. But for me, whilst we supped outside in the tropical heat of the evening and the glasses emptied, I pondered about whether I could get back in to this Shangri-la. ‘Do you think we can try it on again?’ I asked him, who had been drinking alongside me in more or less silence. ‘Why not?’ Which was about as far as his excitement got. ‘I’ll go,’ I replied, even though it was his round, what the hell I’m on expenses. A little older, but again with the white shirt business, this one was different, ‘would you be having an invite?’ ‘Er, not exactly, but I was in there a little while ago.’ ‘Sure, in that case, I must have let you in before.’ Yes, that was exactly what he said. And so the beer flowed free for the Ulsterman and me, and at a might-have-been fifty Hong Kong bucks a pint, it was the sweetest I ever tasted. Some hours later, I took the night flight to Sydney, and I never saw Philip again. Like me, I suppose he never came across that sort of thing again. Only once in a lifetime.

BURNS BASH - Sunday 25th Jan Haggis and all the trimmings served up Sunday lunchtime

Saturday 14th February

VALENTINES DAY MASSACRE PARTY! The theme is Gangsters

and Molls - prize for best dressed couple!

Chicago style pizzas, music plus a whole lot more!

Plus: Even bigger choice of regular Guest Ales

Delicious bar meals served every day Traditional games from Bar Billiards

to Crib, Dominoes & Darts

Quiz Night every Wednesday with a different Quizmaster every week

If you’re booking a hall for a special do -

call Paul or Sue for your Party Bar

Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES

LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Detoxing and want to eat

more healthily? We have a good selection of griddles, steamers and poachers to support you. The Lemongrass, Peppermint and Yerba Mate ‘Teapigs’ will help you to detox your way through the new year.

Feel inspired to cook more? We have a superb array of pie dishes, cake tins and cases, flan dishes and baking trays to enable you to create delicious dinners!

SENIOR ROLE VACANCY To run tearoom and deli on weekend days.

Call or come in to speak to Katherine.

Open 7 days a week!

4b Bedford Street, Ampthill Tel: 01525 402023

The Number 1

Ironing and Laundry Service

Professional, high quality and friendly service

Free delivery and collection

Drop-in and collect service available ( Open from 8 am daily )

Optional same day service

For further information contact

LOUISE on01525 841114

The Acorn Centre, Unit 2, Station Road, Ampthill

(Plenty of free parking)

Do it our

Weigh!Allied Weighing specialises in all forms of weighing equipment from bathroom scales to heavy duty devices for commercial applications. We can provide service and repair to any scales or weighing equipment, give us a call we’ll be glad to help.

Kitchen scales • Bathroom scales • Jewellery scales • Postal scales • Body fat monitors • Hanging scales. Retail and industrial • Fishing/Luggage • Laboratory and educational • Medical scales. HoMedics products and massage cushions

SALTER Stainless Steel

electronic Salt & Pepper

Mill Set with ceramic

grinding mechanism. Can also be

used for herbs & spices.

Full 10 year guarantee.

RRP £25.00 Our Price

£19.99

SHIATSU Plus Massaging Cushion Model SBM 300 Never in your life will you experience a more invigorating massage-you’ll actually feel as if a massage therapist is hidden inside the cushion. Consumer Digest has awarded it a Best Buy Award. RRP £169.99 Our Price £139.99

On production of this advert you will receive 10% discount off anything you purchase 10%

DISCOUNT ON ANY PURCHASE

ALLIED WEIGHINGProviding weighing solutions for the future

17A CHURCH STREET, AMPTHILLOpposite the NatWest Bank behind Martins Newsagent

Telephone: 01525 841306

One of our readers would like to share this delicious recipe with you! SAUSAGES IN SPICY WHITE WINE AND

APPLE SAUCEYou will need for 2 people: A bottle of dry white wine (some for slurping and some for cooking!) 6 good quality pork sausages from your local butcher 2 crisp dessert apples 1 shallot (or 1/2 small onion) 70g butter 200 ml chicken stock 2 tbps light brown sugar 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

Also you will need two frying pans. Firstly lock the kitchen door (you are the chef after all!) and pour yourself a nice glass of wine. Then heat about 300 ml of the wine until boiling in a large frying pan, carefully drop in the sausages, reduce the heat and poach for about 10 minutes. Whilst this is going on, peel and chop finely the shallot, peel, core, quarter and slice the apples - and maybe grab the opportunity for another crafty slurp! Melt a little butter in the second pan, transfer the

sausages from the 1st pan to the 2nd and gently fry them until golden brown. Then, back to pan 1: add the shallot to the wine with all the remaining ingredients and bring the mixture to the boil. Reduce the heat and gently simmer till the apples are soft and the liquid becomes a thinnish syrup. Then, treat yourself to another glass of wine, call your companion and serve. Delicious as it is or may be served with creamy mashed potato if so desired.

Thank you very much for sending this in - if any other reader has a recipe that they would like to share all our contact details are on page 4.

Having been caught out over the festivities, I thought I ought to share this amusing trick with you. It has to be the easiest way to con a pint out of one of your mates! The challenge is simple: an egg is placed on the floor, and your (erstwhile) friend is given a frying pan. The aim is to break the egg in one blow by striking the egg using the flat base of the pan. When the challenge is accepted place the egg on the floor right in the corner of the room! So now accept your pint gracefully and enjoy!

T.H.E. BEST BUTCHERS

Telephone (01908) 375275 www.bestbutcher.co.uk

Unit 5, Lower Rectory Farm, Great Brickhill, Milton Keynes, Bucks MK17 9AF

* FRESH FISH NOW AVAILABLE FRIDAY & SATURDAY

Little Emm’s Unisex Hair Studio

Tel: 01525 237687

“A Cut Above The Rest” For a totally new look for Christmas why not come and see ‘Emma Scissorhands’?!

22A Woburn Road Heath & Reach Nr Leighton Buzzard Beds LU7 OAR

I’m happy as I am - please don’t canvas me!

Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial

Your local Electrical Contractor All types of testing and certification undertaken

FREE QUOTATIONS

NICEIC Approved Contractor

Working with Ampthill Town Council 11 Cedar Close, Ampthill, Bedford, MK45 2UD

Tel & Fax: 01525 714057

Extensions Conservatories & Windows Kitchens & Bathrooms Fencing PatiosElectrical And … Lots More!

Here we bring you some new year’s observations from the wacky world of Montgolfier: I didn’t realise my neighbour was so elderly. He remembers when the owners of garages used to come out and put the petrol in your car for you. A prisoner sat in the electric chair and was asked if he had a final wish such as a cigarette or a drink. ‘No thanks’ he replied ‘but I’d be pleased if you hold my hand.’ Query: We all hear or read of dates such as 3,000 BC and 1,500 BC. What sort of date if any did they use in those times? I’d love to know. Can you help? As a little boy of 5 or 6 because I was naughty I had to learn the following before being allowed to go home from school. It has stuck with me until today. I would love to know where it comes from:

The little furry rabbits Keep very very still And peep at me across the grass As I walk up the hill

But if I venture nearer To watch them at their play A flash of white and they are gone Not one of them will stay.

If anyone can help please contact me c/o The Fuddler, (address details page 4). Many thanks.

Happy Birthday John for the

10th January

Happy Birthday to Yogi for the 17th January

INNOVATIONS

fixed price aerial installations

poor reception specialists sky repairs & installations digital aerials freeview systems plasma installations A family run company with over 15 years experience Registered Digital UK installer, NVQ qualified

01525 84101716 Chiltern Close Ampthill Beds MK45 2QA

Rapid Response Mobile:

07887 710558www.innovationsaerials.co.uk

Unit 24 Station Road Ind Est, Ampthill, Bedfordshire, MK45 2QY

Digital Print Bureau @ Corporate Creations

01525 300002 www.digitalprintbureau.co.uk

[email protected]

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR

A LOCAL ONE-STOP SHOP FOR

WE'RE IN AMPTHILLDO DROP IN OR CALL!

DESIGN, WEBSITES & PRINT?

design & marketing services

content managed website packages

drop-in print shop with fast turnarounds

HOW SPINAFIX GROWS 12” IN 12 HOURS! NW Australia, New Year 1975 The small mining town of Wickham is about 17 degrees below the equator, in North West Australia and housed about 700 workers from the iron re processing site some 7 miles away at Cape Lambert, (The ore came from the kimberlys some hundreds of miles inland). I had been working in the laboratory of CRRIA, (Cliffs Robe River Iron Associates), at Cape Lambert, for about 7 months and only in the last couple of weeks had I seen a cloud or two! Although this was the summer season and temperatures were amongst the highest in the world, the dryness of the air made it quite tolerable, even enjoyable; having said that, the comfort belied the fact that you were losing water at a phenomenal rate as “dry” perspiration and could dehydrate in hours and die in days if lost in that heat of the outback. The clouds slowly became more frequent on the horizon but as they neared they simply vanished, Then one evening as we returned to the little town of Wickham at about 2300 hrs from a late shift, we heard stones falling on the bus roof, in fact they were very large rain drops! The noise was deafening. By the time we arrived at Wickham, there were deep puddles everywhere and grown men were dancing in them like children, the sudden “monsoon” style rain was so unexpected by those of us unaccustomed to the tropics. The following day I was amazed to see the hills around the town bright green with spinafix, an extremely coarse grass that grows in clumps to a dangerously spiky 18 inches, it can cut an unprotected calf if you walk through it with undue care. I could not believe that something could grow that fast, on the other hand, there is an Eucalypt that can grow 10 feet every year, and that sound a bit unlikely as well! Then I realised, the spinafix had been green all the time, and the torrential rain had simply washed the dust off. One more surprise, the following night returning to town, we were greeted by the sound of hundreds of frogs croaking en-masse, these fellas spend several years hiding under ground during droughts only to be awakened by the rain, climb 2-3 feet to the surface where they will drink, feed and find a mate. I once accidentally dug some up in a river bed while looking for gold, they looked a bit distressed by the experience, all puffed up with water in a state of hibernation. The Australian Aborigines use them as emergency water by giving them a squeeze; I just buried them again and hope they got back to sleep OK. Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr

A family run business offering service and repairs to most

makes of car & light commercial.

We also carry out MOT tests at a competitive price.

Call Dave or Andy on 01525 406899

The Get Back Into programme is foranyone who is 16 or older and wants tostart playing sport or take up a more activelifestyle again. Sessions are relaxed andfun, led by experienced coaches andinstructors, and are a gentle introductionback into the activity! There are activitiesgoing on all over the county now and theseare the sessions near you:

Netball – Ampthill. Mondays, starts 26th Jan,19.00-20.30.

Cycling – Leighton Buzzard. Tuesdays, starts27th Jan, 10.00-11.30.

Box Fit – Ampthill. Tuesdays, starts 27th Jan,19.00-20.00.

Badminton – Ampthill. Wednesdays, starts28th Jan, 18.30-20.00.

Contemporary Dance – Leighton Buzzard.Wednesdays, starts 28th Jan, 19.30-20.30.

Box Fit – Leighton Buzzard. Thursdays,starts 29th Jan, 19.30-20.30.

Cricket – Stewartby. Thursdays, starts 15th Jan,20.00-22.00. Males only.

Outdoor Adventure – Kempston. Saturdays,starts 31st Jan. 10.30-12.30.

Wall Climbing – Kempston. Saturdays,starts 31st Jan. 15.00-17.00.

Golf – Toddington. Various sessions, checkwebsite for details.

Tennis – Linslade. Sundays, starts 1st Feb.09.00-10.00/10.00-11.00.

Call 01582 813760 to book

Get Back Into Sport& Physical Activity…

As we watch films we can all deduce from them the following: During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

Thanks very much for those - and if you have some more please send them to us!

I’m a well known actress appearing on your TV screens in a highly popular American import. And, like my colleagues, I want to get even with those studio people. Answer below.

Hayden Panettiere - Cheerleader from Heroes

TAMSIN Happy Birthday

for 23rd Love Josh A huge thank you to

everyone who entered our Christmas Competition. After carefully sifting through every entry we have to tell you that there was not a winner this year! The correct answer was 91 characters. So, as there was not a winner we will forward the equivalent prize money to a care for the elderly at a local hospital.

A VERY HAPPY

BIRTHDAY TO

EDDIE for 10th!

A507 Bypass, Ampthill Road Maulden Beds MK45 2BJ

Tel: 01525 861696

[email protected]

LARGE RANGE OF PLANTS, SHRUBS, TREES, CUT FLOWERS, GARDEN CONSUMABLES

SUPERB RANGE OF POTS

HIGHLY COMPETITIVE PRICES ON INDIAN NATURAL PAVING STONE

For All Your Domestic & Commercial Window Cleaning Needs

Cleaning Express

Fully insured uniformed staff, free quotation on request

Traditional window cleaning

Internal window cleaning

High level Reach & Wash System® to 5 Floors

Industrial cladding wash down

PVC wash down

Conservatory roofing

Gutter clearing

You have tried the rest, now try the best!! Now looking for Trainee Window Cleaner

Driving Licence preferred Please call if interested Tel: 01525 718247 / Mob: 07747 055436

www.cleaning-express.co.uk / [email protected]

Your local specialist in UPVC for:- Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and

French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering

Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992

50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

ALL TYPES OF GROUNDWORKUNDERTAKEN.

Driveways, Patios etc.Please call for free quotation

We are possibly terribly sorry that there is no edition of this highly popular (?) story this month! Our intrepid hero was apparently last seen going Christmas shopping with his oppo and hasn’t been heard of for some time. Unless he’s gone skiing?! We can only hope that he will return for some more of his riveting adventures next month! So, our apologies and we hope to be able to continue the saga story very soon.

Our regular correspondent, Montgolfier, has sent us this splendid photograph of Birmingham taken from Santa’s sleigh! How he got it we just don’t know!

Happy Birthday to Oliver for 3rd January

Love Mum and Dad

Happy Birthday to Sebastian for

28th January Love Mum and Dad

With Wayne Torpid The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. If you are going to try cross-country running, start with a small country. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me

Sandra has so much fun finding new words that she has sent this hex word to us.

H

N

Y

T

S E

P E

O

Just look at the hexagon and see if the word jumps out at you! (Answer below if not)

Neophytes

All types of property maintenance undertaken Whether it’s your garden, kitchen, bathroom or

bedroom that needs sprucing up…. Call Mick on 07935 208 306

DISCOS FOR ALL OCCASIONS For The Very Best Disco Around

All The Latest Chart Sounds Great Giveaway Prizes

Receptions For ALL Occasions Very Competitive Prices

Tel: Micky or Joolz on 01525 211670

Staples Garden Centre,Fordfield Road, Millbrook

FREEPHONE 0808 180 9450 Emergency: 07866 943977

DISCOUNT ON: • BRUSHCUTTERS • MOWERS • RIDE-ONS ETC

We can supply most leading brands

• HAYTER • HONDA • MOUNTFIELD • LAWNFLITE • EFCO • ATCO • MTD • APACHE

Full after sales service - Collection and delivery

SERVICING OF ALL MACHINERY AT REASONABLE RATES

Bob AmblerCarpenter & Joiner

Carpentry Fitted Kitchens

Kitchen re-doors and worktops Fitted Bedrooms and Home office furniture

Fitted Bathrooms Fitted Bathroom Furniture

A complete design, supply and installation service or

You supply and we install 01525 405393 ans. phone

Mobile 07889 058345 email: [email protected]

Not too much Credit . . .

but loads of Crunch. in Arthur’s World It wasn’t the best of ways of seeing out 2008. Diving head first into the road at Lewis Hamilton speed, pushing the shoulder to somewhere near to where the elbow should be is not the kind of party trick to recommend to your kids and some of our more immature adult readers. Thanks for the sympathy and best wishes folks – even the jibes - showed what a caring thoughtful community I write for. Didn’t really spoil my Christmas. Got my usual apple and orange, together with a 50p piece and a tube of sweeties in my stocking. Had to miss out on the big pressies though. The course of six Bungee Jumping lessons and the white water rafting week-end in Snowdonia have had to be put on hold for a while. Talking about presents - how’s this for a “bit of one upmanship” - big time ! ! One of our leading citizens – alias Mr. Magoo – was so impressed with the charity fund raising for the E. of E. Air Ambulance Service, that he wanted to be part of it. He put a helicopter at the top of his own Christmas present wish list and bingo – there it was on the big day. He’s already done nearly two weeks of intensive training on

hel icopter pi lot ing and manoeuvres together with a crash course in rescue. He assures me that he will be fully operational, ready to play his role in this important service, once his personally tailored high-vis jacket is available and Toys ‘R Us have replenished their stock of batteries ! Despite the injuries, I still managed to have my usual post Christmas meeting with Santa. We’ve been discussing the financial affairs of the Festive Season for years now over a glass or two of single malt with a couple of left over mince pies, anywhere between here and Lapland. “Our next door neighbours, Iceland have had a rough time financially” he said. “Not much better here” I replied. “Aye” he said, with a smug look on his face. “We’ve not done too bad really. Our Monopoly money has managed to stay strong against the other currencies and our beer and single malt is a lot cheaper than yours when it comes to you gift wrapped with a label. We’ve even got our transport costs down with all these buy one – get one free offers on packs of carrots and turnips. Rudolph’s laughing and piling on weight.” “Everything looking good for next time?” I asked. “Brilliant” he said “only 342 shopping days left - must get a move on ! !”

Refurbished Freehouse Pub & Dining

Enjoy a winters evening by a log fire enjoying Real Ales & lovely wines together with delicious homemade

food at reasonable prices.

Please have a look at our website many offers & special events

(including Quizzes & Burns Night dinner) going on during January and

February or call for further information.

The Green Man

Church End Eversholt

MK17 9DU Telephone – 01525 288111

Website www.greenmaneversholt.com

QUALITY FIREWOODSeasoned Ash, Oak,

Beech Firewood from renewable sources We plant 10 trees

for every one we fell £110 for a full load delivered locally (equivalent to over 2

‘pick up’ loads) £65 per half load delivered

Contact Diane at Estate Office

01525 290 333

Jim Barr has kindly sent us this New year’s quiz. We understand that passing requires 4 correct answers: 1.How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2.Which country makes Panama hats? 3.From which animal do we get cat gut? 4.In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution? 5.What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6.The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what

animal? 7.What was King George VI's first name? 8.What colour is a purple finch? 9.Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10.What is the colour of the black box in a commercial

airplane?

1.116 years, 2. Ecuador, 3. Sheep and Horses, 4. November, 5. Squirrel fur, 6. Dogs, 7. Albert, 8. Crimson, 9. New Zealand, 10. Orange.

What do you mean you failed? - me too! JB

If my Mother was a Methodist and my

Father was a Spiritualist -

would that make me a methylated spirit?

Happy Birthday to both Fred

and Graham on 18th January!

Specialist Cars Luton. The home of BMW in Bedfordshire.

Specialist Cars LutonLeagrave Road, Luton, Bedfordshire LU3 1RJ

01582 590700 www.specialistcarsbmwluton.co.uk

As your local BMW Dealer, we’re perfectly placed to provide you with the very highest levels of service - whether you’re looking for a BMW, or you already drive one. For more information on everything from BMW Financial Services to BMW Lifestyle clothing and accessories, call us today.

• New BMW’s and over 150 Approved Used Cars always available in group stock

• Servicing and repairs

• Genuine BMW Parts and accessories

One mile from M1 J11

Specialist Cars

The UltimateDriving Machine

All finance and hiring is subject to status and available to over 18s in the UK only (excluding Channel Islands). Guarantees and indemnities may be required.We can arrange finance and hiring facilities for you.

Yes, it’s time for the abject annual silliness again! The beginning of February sees the 5th Annual Columnists Awards Luncheon which once again promises to be a truly glittering occasion and is to be held at a secret location. If you would like to join in the nonsense you are cordially invited to make your nominations from the categories below!! (Or you can invent a category if you wish!) Please either email us at [email protected] or send a post card to The Fuddler PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ.

1. Best factual report. 2. Best newcomer 3. Most incomprehensible

writing 4. Best direction 5. Most forgettable report

of 2008 6. Your favourite character 7. Best use of colour 8. Silliest style of writing

9. Best screenplay 10. B e s t m u s i c a l

arrangement 11. Best use of very big

words indeed. 12. B e s t a r t i s t i c

interpretation 13. Most believable report 14. Most adventurous report

of 2008

DOG WALKING!

We provide an excellent dog walking service, from once a week to daily,

from occasional to regular. We collect from your home and transport in safe, segregated vehicles, for 45 minutes of

fun and exercise in beautiful local parks and woods.

All dogs are walked off lead where possible. Excellent socialisation for your pet, and peace

of mind for you, knowing that they are having a great time!!

(Max 4 dogs per person per walk)

PET SITTING!

Friendly dogs are welcome to stay with one of our host families, they live in the home as part of the family. You provide their food, bed, toys etc, we

provide a minimum of 2 walks a day, lots of playtime with other dogs and plenty of love!

Cats can relax in their own home, with either one or two visits per day.

We can let them out, bring them in, feed, clean litter trays and provide tickles!

Rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, rats etc are all welcome in our home!

We collect the hutch / cage, run, bedding and food, then transport them here

for their stay.

Please contact Rebecca on 01525 860606 or 077 17 27 6811

Website: www.thepetaupair.co.uk * Insured *Police Checked * References

Available * Established 2003

DOG SITTERS WANTED! Due to the enormous success of this new service, we now require more host families. You must be based at

home, have a garden and be able to walk your guests at least twice a day. Please telephone for further details.

Covering Ampthill, Flitwick, Maulden, Clophill, Silsoe, Barton-Le-Clay, Westoning and surrounding villages for all your pets needs.

OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training

38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT

TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training,

Redborne School, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2NU

With Archie Fairweather As I said last month we went to the home of Henry and Gladys for a gentle pre Christmas Soiree. Darn

thing of it was Henry’s malt was too good. Had to get those nice chaps from Ampthill Cabs to get us home! Still, had to be done and a good time was had by all. By the by, Henry hopes to be better by next issue.

Don’t forget - when you need a local advert - you’ve found The Fuddler! Tel: 01525 841434

Sil has asked us to convey her best wishes for the New Year and has very kindly sent us this New Year postcard from her outstanding collection! We understand that the card above is actually dated 1891. Thanks again Sil for sharing these with us and we look forward to hearing more from you over the coming months.

MRC CONSTRUCTION Brickwork, Patios &

Conservatories Very high standard of work

Reliable, clean & tidy tradesman

Free quotes.

Mark: 01525 280584 07811 406055

J H ELECTRICAL

AND PROPERTY MAINTENANCE SERVICES

• DOMESTIC • INDUSTRIAL • COMMERCIAL

24 HR CALLOUT AVAILABLE All electrical work undertaken

email: [email protected]

With The Fuddler Vet - Siggi Almplunger (It may be best to take Siggi’s advice a little tongue in cheek!) Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and

cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of 10. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of the wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. To be continued..

The White Hart Dunstable Street

Ampthill Tel: 406863

THE SWAN 1, Dunstable Road

Flitwick Tel: 754777

THE CROWN Station Road


ENGINE & TENDER Dunstable Street


THE CHEQUERS Park Road. Westoning

Tel: 01525 713125

THE BELL INN Westoning

Beds Tel: 712511

THE STABLES Rear of White Hart

Ampthill Tel: 01525 841467

THE BLACKBIRDS (Ye Olde Pub)!

High Street Flitwick Tel: 712438

THE DOG AND BADGER Clophill Road

Maulden Tel: 860237

THE PRINCE OF WALES 24 Bedford Street

Ampthill Tel: 01525 840504

THE WHEATSHEAF High Street


ALBION ARMS Dunstable Street


OSSORY ARMS 9, Arthur Street


THE WHITE HORSE 101, Station Road,

Flitwick Tel: 718 778

THE WHITE HART Ampthill Road

Maulden Tel: 406118

WINGFIELD CLUB 37, Church Street


THE OLD SUN Dunstable Street,


The Royal Oak Church Street

Lidlington Tel: 01525 840233

THE GEORGE 2 George Street

Maulden Tel: 751330

QUEEN’S HEAD Woburn Street


ROSE & CROWN High Street Ridgmont

01525 280245

The Magpies Hotel Bedford Street

Woburn 01525 290219

The Jolly Coopers Wardhedges

Flitton 01525 860626

THE GEORGE INN Watling Street Little Brickhill 01525 261298

FIR TREE HOTEL The Square

Woburn Sands 01908 582127

The Carpenters Arms High Street Cranfield

01234 750232

THE ANCHOR The Square

Aspley Guise 01908 582177

The Black Horse Bedford Street

Woburn 01525 290210

THE CHEQUERS AT MILLBROOK

(Opposite Millbrook Golf Club) 01525 403835

THE WHITE HORSE Mill Road

Husborne Crawley 01525 280565

THE BELL INN 34-35, Bedford Street

Woburn 01525 290280 Fax: 01525 290017

The Green Man High Street Lidlington

01525 840764

The Green Man Church End Eversholt

01525 288111

THE WHEATSHEAF Mount Pleasant Aspley Guise 01908 583338

The Drovers Arms Flitwick Road Steppingley

01525 715697

THE OLD RED LION Ivy Lane

Great Brickhill 01525 261715

Episode IV Losing it !On returning to ‘dear old blighty’ from ‘across the pond’ and after my ‘pie tasting’ exploits, things have taken a somewhat downward turn regarding the weight loss programme. I can only attribute this as a hiccup, a spell of complete lack of discipline on my behalf. I suppose I felt that at the very least I would not gain too much whilst not losing any weight, and would redress the balance at the nearest opportunity. Topbird had by this time shooed me off to my West Hampstead residence whilst I was attending academia in Hampshire, she encouraged me to believe “It will be easier and cheaper to commute from London and you can be more studious at home”, she pleaded. In truth I knew the temporary exile would be a well earned opportunity for her to get some peace of mind

and a little bit of space back in her life. It would also give her and her feline companion some quality time together. Folsom, the aforementioned quadruped, apparently is infinitely less stressful, noisy and not to mention less of a financial burden. I am constantly reminding Topbird of the cat’s role in the household. Allow me to quote from the Oxford English, “Cat…a small domesticated mammal that has soft fur, sharp claws, pointed ears, and, usually, a long furry tail, and makes characteristic purring or meowing sounds. Cats are widely kept as pets or to catch mice.” In Topbird’s home I am however in no doubt whatsoever where I stand when it comes to who is boss. We, the cat and I, have a mutual understanding, where she will get her own way with those green beguiling eyes and hauntingly childlike meows. I dread to think what Topbird

would do if I ever said “right that’s it, it’s the cat or me” Actually I know full well what the response would be. Anyway, I am allowed back at weekends and for the Christmas holidays, where the promise of a few days away on the Jurassic Coast in Dorset awaits. This brief interlude in West London does allow yours truly a break from his detractors, but emphasises the problem I have with self discipline and affords my freefall into dietary chaos. We find our hapless, perhaps it should be hopeless instead, hero returning to the world of curries, pizzas and kebabs without the watchful eye of his guardian angel. I’m not saying that I’m completely shallow but if I were a pond you could easily tread water. There was no need to record my weight gain this month, but lets just say that when I went to stand on the scales the damn thing read “only one person at a time please”. Oh well just December to go, and the little matter of mince

pies, Christmas puddings, large oversized lunches, trifles, cakes, cheeses, cold meats and a plethora of other culinary items that you would never even dream of consuming at any other time of the year. Not to mention enough alcohol to keep a small outside bar going for a whole wedding party to be consumed as well. I think the best tactic to be adopted should be to say “blow it” and just accept it then start all over in January. At least I will be in good company as every Tom, Dick and Harriet will be doing the same thing. I have been asked by The Editor to keep this column to a minimum this month so I will sign off now and will return in February with more tales and e x p l o i t s f r o m H o m o M a m m u t h u s a n d h i s Christmas adventures.

To be continued As ever all characters and events portrayed in this diary are real and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely intentional

the fuddler january 2009

Documents