the fuddler december 2009

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959

Workshops & Clubs available - please come in for details We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more! DMC Silks, Jewellery, beads and findings. Stockists of wool - Sirdar, Bretts, Peter Pan & Wendy.

ANNUAL SALE

2nd to 15th January (Inclusive)

GENUINEREDUCTIONS!

Beading club held fortnightly on a Wednesday afternoon for all

Beadaholics! £2.50 for 2 hours! Bring your latest project and meet new friends!

SPECTACULAR NEW YEAR’S PARTY AT THE WHITE HART!! Come and join in the fun this New Year’s Eve with Emma Robbins and her band, DJ and special performance by Michael AKA ‘Mr T’ - Fancy dress 80’s ‘A-Team’

theme (optional) with prize for best costume. Open till very, very late!

Tickets £10.00 in advance or £12.00 on the door.

THE WHITE HART AMPTHILL TEL: 01525 406863

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Hello! Welcome to your ‘Festive Fuddler’! Again it’s a packed edition with lots of fun and silliness as you would expect! As always we hope you have fun with the edition and don’t forget to see what our advertisers are saying as it really is true that

‘Whatever you are looking for - you’ll find it in TheFuddler!’From all of us here in Fuddlerland may we take this opportunity to wish you a truly joyous Christmas and a happy and peaceful New Year. And thanks for making us so popular!


CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE

111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096

Eddie and his staff wish everybody a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ...

… but he hopes his Christmas dinner won’t ruin your celebrations - and a Merry

Christmas to you too! He has to tell you, though, that as from the New Year he will be asking you to pay for your meal when ordering

… as you may not want to pay for it later!!

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Winter virtually here, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.


2009 has been a very special year for Ampthill and Bedford Solicitors Sharman Law LLP who this year have celebrated

the Bicentenary of the founding of their firm by Frances John Budd back in 1809. After holding a Civic Dinner in Bedford in the Summer, the firm recently held a Civic Reception in Ampthill to commemorate this special Anniversary. The present partners and staff are extremely proud that the firm has for 200 years provided for the legal needs of their extensive clientbase and in many cases for generation after generation of clients. In entering the firm’s third century of legal practice, the firm is determined that it will continue to provide legal services with a modern approach utilising the latest technological developments, but never forgetting to provide the same with traditional standards of personal service and care and also going the extra mile for all their clients.Whenever you have a legal issue or need whether it be Conveyancing, a Will, a Commercial matter or a claim, a dispute or a problem, the firm hopes that you (the people of Bedfordshire) will make the firm their first port of call.

The Orchard Project at Wrest Park Research of the Walled Garden 1836 – 1917One of the projects currently being undertaken by a team of English Heritage volunteers at Wrest Park is to replant an area of the historic orchard in the Walled Garden. As well as researching the planting in the garden between 1836 and 1917 the volunteers are keen to discover more about the people who worked and lived at Wrest Park during this time. Can you help by providing information? Did you or an ancestor work at Wrest Park? Do you have any information, anecdotes or photographs that may be of interest? Please ring Wrest Park on 01525 863711 and leave a message including your name, contact details and a brief description of your information, including if possible the time period you are referring to. One of the volunteers will then call you back to discuss further. Or send an email to [email protected]. Please make contact, even in you have previously given information to Wrest Park. Information from other time periods will also be gratefully received. We look forward to hearing from you.

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For a 1st Class MILK DELIVERY

SERVICE TELEPHONE 01525 402206

Maulden Dairies Warren Farm, Woburn Street, Millbrook

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Organic and Soya Milk available

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Christmas soft drinks and mixers

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750

Sharman Law LLPS O L I C I T O R SI n c o r p o r a t i n g S h a r m a n & T r e t h e w y


Across: 1 Prickly, 5 Pairs, 8 Ample, 9 Narrows, 10 Overdue, 11 Style, 12 Insist, 14 Adjust, 17 Brawl, 19 Chamber, 22 Buffalo, 23 Tra-La, 24 Salve, 25 Torment

Down: 1 Plato, 2 Impress, 3 Knead, 4 Yankee, 5 Perused, 6 Irony, 7 Suspect, 12 Imbibes, 13 Salvage, 15 Umbrage, 16 Accost, 18 Awful, 20 Alter, 21 Roast

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS Ah! Those were the

days! I pointed out to Check-It-Out and Duster another

wonderful review of a bakery, found in my

book of London: ‘Wonderful cakes, and featherlike croissants and brioches, bread and pastries. Not a

shop for anyone with a waistline problem!’

Compliments of the season to all. Ciao

A BRIANISM I’m looking forward to

receiving my £10 Pensioner Christmas

bonus - it should just buy me 3 pints of beer and a

packet of pork scratchings.

“The Fuddler” i s p u b l i s hed by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity Print Solutions. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

Merry Christmas and a Happy New

Year from everyone at

AmpthillFireplaces

Mon - Fri 10.00 - 5.00 Sat 10.00 - 4.00

1 Woburn Street Ampthill, Beds

MK45 2HP Tel: 01525 841199

www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk

Wishing a Happy Christmas and a good New Year to all our members and friends.

Dec 20th Childrens Christmas Party 2-5pm ages 3-11 with clown Squirty Wirty. Tickets £5.00 available at the club.

Xmas Eve 8 Til late Disco with Marks Roadshow Members £3.00 with £3.00 drinks voucher non members

£5.00 with £3.00 drinks voucher Kids free. Tickets available at the club New Years Eve Live Act with Reborn

Members £3.00 with £3.00 drinks voucher non members £5.00 with £3.00 drinks voucher Kids free Tickets available at the club

New memberships commence Jan 2010

The Flitwick Club20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555

Quality Hand Made Curtains, Cushions & BlindsDressmaking & Alterations, Bridal Wear & Bridal Flowers

Please see our web site www.susiebs.bize-mail [email protected] Tel: 01234 741492


FORDFIELD ROAD, MILLBROOK, BEDFORD MK45 2HZ

07771 585756

STAPLES GARDEN CENTRE

WINTER WARMERS!

Hardwood logs - £2.99 a net

House coal - £7.99 25 kg

Smokeless coal - £11.99 25 kg

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Potatoes - 25 kg bags

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Tarquin has asked us to convey very best wishes for the festive season and hopes to return in the new year! Meanwhile Marjorie has sent in another fine quick crossword and she adds her compliments of the season to all.

Christmas

1 2 3 4 5 6

7

8

9

10 11

12

13 14 15

16

17 18 19

20 21

22

23

24

C

M

H

A

R I

ST

S

Sandra’s been busy again looking through her big book of words (dictionary?) and brings us yet another word. (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

Across: 1 Stumbled (8) 7 Calmness (5) 8 Strike back (9) 9 Santa’s helper (3) 10 Real (4) 11 Condiment (6) 13 Ancient Greek city (6) 14 Gunfire sound (6) 17 Meat (6) 18 Wheel covering (4) 20 Regret (3) 22 Plant container (6-3) 23 Anecdote (5) 24 Clean atmosphere (5,3)

Down: 1 Top of the class (5) 2 E.g. Cos (7) 3 Long fish (4) 4 Tooth coating (6) 5 Keen (5) 6 Absolute (7) 7 Confuse (7) 12 Correct (7) 13 Visitor (7) 15 Exhibition centre (7) 16 Blush (6) 17 Lemon anag (5) 19 Arrive (5) 21 Beer barrels (4)

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ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992

50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

CHIMNEY SWEEPING SERVICE

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Est. 1988

YOUR LOCAL OFFICE SUPPLIES COMPANY

Full range of Office Stationery Computer Consumables

Inks and Toners Print Service

Office Furniture And much more

t: 01525 633336 f: 01525 634444

Unit 1, 101 Ampthill Road Flitwick Beds MK45 1BE

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TRADE ENQUIRIES AND ACCOUNTS WELCOME

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If you still can’t decide on that perfect gift, we also have gift vouchers

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Rugged & Tough Helping Make Christmas Gift Buying Easier

NEW FOR AUTUMN /WINTER “Keeper” Clothing Range

4mm Neoprene Hunting Wellingtons

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Jackets & Shirts Medium to 4XL

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PRIMUS ARRIVING SOON


Conservatories or if you are very, very posh 'garden rooms' are wonderful....except when one is trying to hibernate! The rain pelting down onto the roof is enough to try the patience of a saint! Talking of which, during one of these nocturnal interruptions, Meerkat got up, made a cup of tea and settled down to read the newspaper for a few moments when the headlines caught her eye. 'RECTOR SEIZES OFFER' She was curious, so read further '.......thanks to a wonderful offer

at a well known store a trend setting Rector is doing his bit to save the planet and helping to reduce global warming by turning down his central heating by 2 degrees..... ' marvellous thought Meerkat, what an e xa mp l e . T he n s he continued '......how? he is wearing not ONE but TWO pairs of trousers. .. . . '

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz And a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone!

With Geoffrey THE GolferSeveral men are in the locker room of a golf club. A Mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ‘Hello’ WOMAN: ‘Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?’ MAN: ‘Yes’ WOMAN: ‘I am at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?’ MAN: ‘Of course, go ahead if you like it that much.’ WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the car showroom and saw the new 2010 Models. I saw one I really liked.’

MAN: ‘How much?’ WOMAN: ‘£65.000’ MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’ WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £750,000.’ MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.’ WOMAN: ‘OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!’ MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’ The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: ‘Anyone know who this phone belongs to?’

And a Happy Christmas to everyone - GTG

AT HOME OR WORK Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished

Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485

Mobile 07977 605987 email: [email protected]

Tyres & Exhausts 66 Bedford Street, Ampthill, Bedfordshire, MK45 2NB

Tel: 01525 405900 Open Monday - Friday 9.00 am - 6.00 pm

Saturday 9.00 - 4.00 pm

At last Ampthill has its own Tyre & Exhaust specialist with expert fitting facilities

and the best service for miles

Servicing & repairs Diagnostics

Timing belts Brakes

Clutches All makes and models

Will your New Years’ Resolutions include: Losing weight, getting fit, toning up?

If so, why not come along to

AEROBICS / KEEP-FIT Every Wednesday 8-9pm - Clophill Village Hall

Only £3 per class!! Call me (Gemma) on 01525 402981 for more information.


Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer

at trade prices!

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visit our website at www.comforthomecare.co.uk


By Julio Van Peebles 1) Why don't they do midnight mass a little bit earlier? 2) Did shepherds really wash their socks by night? 3) Why does Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the Alphabet song have the same tune? 4) Why did you just sing the two songs above? 5) What exactly does 'Ding Dong merrily on high' mean? ........................ I actually know the answer to that ! 6) Did the Lord Jesus know he was born on Christmas Day? Julio's Top Tip: Make Christmas more financially comfortable by giving some people their presents in January, some in February, and so on throughout the year so by December you're all done...........easy !

Happy Birthday Katie for the 25th December

With Jimmy The Voice JTV has again excelled himself with this curious picture!

You work it out!! JTV can’t! And a merry Christmas to all.

Many congratulations to Simon and Harriet

on the birth of Martha Ophelia on the 7th November!

Courtesy Ruby Thanks again to Ruby for this month’s word from her wonderful collection of words and their definitions: December’s word is ‘evanesce’. Do you know what it means? The answer is at the foot of the page.

Fade from sight

Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES

LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT

DISCOS FOR ALL OCCASIONS For The Very Best Disco Around

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Receptions For ALL Occasions Very Competitive Prices

Tel: Micky or Joolz on 01525 211670


Babs started to see a new man but her friend was worried and warned her ‘I hate to tell you, but as one of your closest friends I thought I should tell you that the new man you are seeing isn’t all that nice.’ ‘That really is ridiculous’ exclaimed Babs petulantly ‘if he isn’t that nice, why would he be doing all that community service?’ And to finish, Babs was worrying about cooking the turkey. It said on the instructions to roast for 1 hour per pound. So she’s going to roast it for 4 1/2 days as she weighs 108 lbs!

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.I’m not giving up smoking in the new year. Giving up is for quitters. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Going out with a man out of morbid curiosity is not necessarily the start of a good relationship. Snap judgments are far more efficient at creating stress than considered ones. Jealousy is the tribute that mediocrity pays to brilliance. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to my reader. 1 1644-English Civil War, 2

Places, 3 Card game, 4 Closing, 5 New Zealand, 6 Keel, 7 1739, 8 Joseph Plateau, 9 Lord North, 10 In the eye.

1. When was the battle of Aberdeen?

2. I f y o u s u f f e r e d f r o m ‘Topophobia’ what would you be afraid of?

3. What is ‘Irish Loo’? 4. The collect ive name for

Taverners is what? 5. Where was the electric fence

invented? 6. A pair of fused lower petals in

pea flowers is what? 7. When was ‘Hark The Herald

Angels Sing’ written? 8. Who invented the stroboscope? 9. Who was Prime Minister at the

time of the Boston Tea Party? 10.Where would you find ‘Vitreous

Humour’?

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CANCER (June 22-July 23) Something seems to be in the air right now. It could mean a change in your career direction. Money worries fade into insignificance.

LEO (July 24-August 23) Your outlook seems to be changing in a more positive way. Some people may raise an eyebrow as your new persona becomes more confident.

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) Now is the time to put into action all those thoughts that keep whirring round in your mind. 2010 looks set to be a splendid year for you.

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Always remember the old maxim ‘Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ Read into that what you will.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) The planetary aspects indicate a tremendous amount of fun and joy heading your way. Ignore the others and follow your heart.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) Career prospects look exciting and certainly a change in fortunes. Whatever you do, don’t let the doubters deter you.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) Be patient with the person that has become a little overbearing. You won’t want to cause a rift by upsetting them.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) It seems a move may be on the cards. However do not believe it will solve anything. It will only take your mind off it.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) Travel appears to be at the forefront of your mind. It is unclear whether it is to the pub, a holiday or business. Whichever it is enjoy it.

ARIES (March 21-April 20) You may find that you have an incredibly high level of energy. Whatever you do don’t waste it, put it to work to your advantage.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) Take a peek at the sillier side of life from time to time rather than take things too seriously. Lots of happiness is coming your way.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) If things don’t seem to be going your way just now, you may not be using the right approach. Try keeping calmer.

Outlook this month: Watch out for a large jolly man in a red suit We can arrange your Dream Reception Complete for £3,500

Our qualified team will arrange Food for 100, either sit down or buffet Table flowers to match your theme Aperitifs and canapés on arrival, wine with meal and Fizz for Toasts Music - great disco China, glasses linen plus waitress service included STOP PRESS - 11th HOUR SERVICE TOO!

You Find the Venue, We Do the Rest!

Call Chris & Co

01525 290785 (Woburn)

07774 205235

Ask us about our new and exciting venue!

Woburn Country Foods BUTCHERS & FARM SHOP

Fresh SeasonalVeg & Potatoes

West End Farm, London Lane Haynes West End, MK45 3RA(At the top of the hill!)

Tel: 01234 740300 www.woburncountryfoods.com

! ORDERS NOW BEING TAKEN !

Free Range Turkey Turkey Breast

Capon/Goose/Duck

CHRISTMAS FAYRE 2009

Prime Bedfordshire Beef, Pork & Lamb from Local Farmers

Gammon & Ham Sausage Meat

ChipolatasStreaky Bacon


…….And if your mind is turning to Christmas Presents for loved ones, let me make a few suggestions, which might just make your choices a little bit easier. DAB Radio continues to be a very popular choice for many people and there is now a huge number of products to pick from. One of the most popular in 2009 however, will be the Roberts Radio, Zoom Box. Wit both DAB and FM stations it also has 40 station presets available. In addition it also contains a programmable CD Player, it has Deep Bass Boost and a headphone socket if you want some quiet listening time with your favourite music. For the Joggers amongst you, Sony have designed and developed a wonderful Neck Band MP3 player. This is made to fit round your neck as you run, with two small headphones that fit into your ears as you jog along. With a choice of six different colours to suit the most fashion conscious amongst you, this is the perfect gift for the athlete in your family. Panasonic will sweep the field in 2009 with their fabulous new MW-10 Audio System. This system is a picture frame plus so much more. With its 9” screen, you can view your favourite pictures from an SD card or a photo CD. In addition it has an FM/AM tuner so you can listen to your favourite radio stations as you watch the pictures, it has an I.Pod docking station so you can listen to your own music, a CD player if you don’t have an I.Pod, plus an alarm clock and a calendar built in, so you never need to be late for work or appointments ever again. Just a few suggestions for Christmas from Tavistock Sound and Vision, 21 The Broadway Bedford MK40 2TL. Tel: 01234 356323 (See their ad on page 15 of this issue)

Registered Member of The British and Podiatry Association HPC Registration No. CH17913

THERESE GRAY FSSCh. Dip Pod Med. MBChA. Chiropodist Surgery

Telephone: 01525 841845 Email: [email protected]

Physiotherapy Sports & Spinal Clinic, 35A Russell Drive

Ampthill MK45 2TX Tel: 01525 841845

THE RETURN OF THE SENSIBLE SHOE

It's good news for feet this season and time to give your toes a rest from towering platforms, stiletto spikes and killer heels.

Gracing the catwalks at September's fashion shows were shoes of a comfier,

flatter, lower variety. Kitten heels, pumps and loafers are

officially back on the fashion scene and feet up and down the country can breathe a sigh of relief. This Christmas, dig your flats out from the back of your wardrobe and treat your toes to some pampering.

Tottering in high heels takes it's toll on our feet and causes corns, bunions, arthritis as

well as knee and back pain. Visiting a Chiropodist will alleviate these symptoms and help your feet recover from all those

years of high heel wearing. Take action now.

In the wise words of Aristotle "when our feet hurt, we hurt all over."

Therese Gray offers professional clinic based chiropody, reflexology

and paraffin wax treatments. Call now to book an appointment

on 01525 841145

CIU Affiliated 37 Church Street Ampthill Beds

*A pleasant and safe family environment *Drinks at club prices plus …….

CRIB - DARTS - DOMINOES - POOL BINGO - Thursday nights

QUIZ - Sunday nights SMOKING AREA - Covered and heated

BEER GARDEN (Summer) ENTERTAINMENT …….. Starts at 9 pm

WHAT’S ON?Thursday 17th December

WINGFIELD CLUB XMAS RAFFLE DRAW - 8.00 IN THE BAR

Sticker tickets available from the Bar Staff - £1.00 per ticket LOADS OF PRIZES!

Thursday 24th December Exclusive to the Wingfield Club … KAROL-OKE!

Thursday 31st December 9.30 - 12.30 am Come and celebrate New Year with

‘OUR KEV’ Top Vocalist / MusicianBack at The Wingfield Club by popular demand


And here we give you the last of our golfing enthusiast’s contributions. These are actual calls received on a public golf course! Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: How much to play golf today? Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart. Caller: 38 dollars? Staff: No, 38 yen. Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there? Staff: Yes. Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls? Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price. Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there? Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars. Caller: How much to rent a bag? Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there? Staff: Yes. Caller: How much for a large bucket? Staff: Four dollars. Caller: Does that include the balls? Thanks again for those and a very Merry Christmas to you Sir!

Happy birthday Hannah for 27th December Lots of love xxx

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM HELEN AND SKIP AT

THE OSSORY ARMS9 Arthur Street, Ampthill 01525 841508

www.ossoryarms.co.uk

CHRISTMASXMAS EVE BREAKFAST

SERVED FROM 10.30 am

CHRISTMAS DAY OPENING 11 - 2.30

XMAS EVE OPEN TILL LATE WITH LIVE MUSIC

NEW YEARNEW YEAR’S EVE

BREAKFAST SERVED FROM 10.30 am

NEW YEAR’S EVE OPEN TILL LATE -

WELCOME TO THE WIZARD OF OSSORY FANCY DRESS PARTY

FOODSERVED DAILY

12.00 - 2.30

BREAKFAST SERVED

FRI/SAT/SUN 10.30 - 2.30

* ALL MAJOR SPORTING EVENTS SHOWN *

QUALITY FIREWOODSeasoned Ash, Oak,

Beech Firewood from renewable sources We plant 10 trees

for every one we fell £115 for a full load delivered locally (equivalent to over 2

‘pick up’ loads) £65 per half load delivered

Contact Diane at Estate Office

01525 290 333


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TV

£199. 99


I’ve got so much to tell you, I hope I’ve got the time, to make it more interesting, of course it’s got to rhyme. I don’t know were to start but I must get a move on, Oh I know lets start with a little Christmas sing song… Martins twelve days of ChristmasOn the 1st day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Christmas chocs for my tree, On the 2nd day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Two pairs of gloves, On the 3rd day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Three Christmas pens, On the 4th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Four Christmas cards, On the 5th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Five boxes of all gold, On the 6th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Six mice are singing, On the 7th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Seven chocolate oranges I was eating, On the 8th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Eight Christmas hats that were flashing, On the 9th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Nine penguins dancing, On the 10th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Ten party poppers popping, On the 11th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Eleven drinks that were freezing, On the 12th day of Christmas I bought from Martins, Twelve staff that were sleeping I would also like to thank you all, for supplying cakes for our stall, with the raffle, drinks, as well we raised just over £200, didn’t we all do well. I’ve also got a date you need to remember it is the 19th of December, with hot drinks, cakes, hot roast chestnuts, so there will be a lot for Ampthill pathfinder scouts to do. So while your shopping please pop a long, come and see what’s going on. Terry’s chocolate oranges below half price, I will do you a deal on a case, £16.10 would be the price. Also with twelve weeks news papers at half price, would make a Christmas pressie that would be nice, with delivery right to your door you couldn’t ask for much more. With all our great deals going on you must come and see, please don’t leave it to long. So don’t forget get your Christmas crackers (£7.49 box of 12) or Christmas goodies and your treats, and we also sell socks to warm your feet’s. There’s only one thing left to say happy Christmas and hope you have a great day. Thank you for shopping at Martins.

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James & Louise would like to thank everyone for their support this year

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With Berta Hardup Tightwad, MO USAHave you ever used computer tech support? Read on-- Tech Support: I need you to right-click. Customer: Okay. Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu? Customer: No. Tech Support: Okay, sir, can you tell me what you have done up until this point? Customer: Sure, you told me to write "click" and I wrote "click". {Sound familiar?} When you read a message on your computer that says, THE APPLICATION CAUSED AN ERROR. CHOOSE IGNORE OR CLOSE, it means, 'It Does Not Make Any Difference: You're Never Going To See Your Work Again!!! ' Computers:- you gotta' love'em!! Happy Christmas and a healthy 2010 to all of you!

FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at the rear of The White Hart Hotel. Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!.


With Ann, Robin & Son, For your delectation and pleasure, here are some more of those unbelievable answers that contestants have come up with on various game shows. 1. How many days are there in 12 weeks.....................……….…..5 2. What two day term relates to the days of Saturday &

Sunday....................................Boxing Day 3. What was Hitler’s first name ……………………….Heil 4. Where is the sea of Tranquillity……………...............Ibiza 5. What South American country was named after Christopher

Columbus..................Portugal 6. Name any one of Englands' starting 11 from the 1966 World cup

Final...................Wayne Rooney 7. What kind of bear lives in the Arctic.....................Penguin 8. What area of Germany is the cake named after made with

chocolate, cherries and Kirsch ………..…..Belgium 9. What is the capital of Cuba....................................Belgium 10. What was the date of the Battle of Hastings...............1974

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With the price of car-parking, tax and petrol, the ideal vehicle for commuting is a scooter; a years’ tax on a scooter is only £15. Very cheap to insure. At Most rail stations parking for a scooter is free (£6.20 a day for a car), coupled by the fact that you can actually park. The other obvious advantage is that you can get circa 100 miles to a gallon.

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Church and Village Memorials Project

By Lis Roberts The cemetery at Mouevres w a s m a d e b e t w e e n September and October 1918 and enlarged after the armistice when graves were brought in from the battlefields on the Cambrai- Bapume road. The extension n o w c o n t a i n s 5 6 5 commonwealth burials and commemorations of the First World War, 263 of the burials are unidentified, but there are special memorials erected to 31 casualties known or believed to be buried among them. The second cemetery, The

Rookery, was to be the most emotional one of the trip as this was where Honky Tonk’s Uncle, Herbert Roberts was buried, as far as we knew no relatives had ever visited his grave. All we knew was “he died in the first world war, somewhere in France”. The Rookery cemetery was so named after the trenches in the area as they looked like rooks nests dotted about. This was situated three km south of the straight main Arras to Cambrai road. To reach it we had to drive up farm tracks from the main road, and there it was in the middle of open fields, with a long straight-grassed path leading from the track through ploughed fields, to

an immaculate hedged square cemetery which contained fifty five burials, of which, only one was unidentified. The next stop on our journey was to find Sergeant George Money and Private William Thomas Neale’s names on the big memorial at Arras. We found the memorial with no trouble in the western part of the town of Arras. Their names were commemorated on the plaques along with 34,757 names of men who have no known grave. The city of Arras is built on a network of underground quarries, first constructed for quarrying the chalk used for building in the Middle Ages. These were extended for 14 miles in 1916 by the New

Zealanders and miners from the North of England, to go right underneath enemy lines. They provided shelter and a means of conveying the troops to launch surprise attacks on the enemy. These tunnels accommodated 20,000 men and were fitted with lights, running water, kitchens etc. They are accessed down a lift shaft seventy feet below ground and are well worth a visit if you are ever in Arras. The it was back to Hotel de la Gare where we had a few English beers which we had bought on the ferry and smuggled into our room, the girls opted for coffee and we mulled over a successful day.

To be continued next month

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Here’s another picture of the crazy things that chefs can get up to if they have too much time on their hands!

By Sultan Sheik

1) VADDIT.....................I'm very tired 2) SEVVY......................It may be difficult to lift 3) MAKING....................I have a bit of a pain 4) SMINE........................It belongs to me 5) MERLY.......................I have arrived prematurely

It may help to sing it!

by Mustafa Singh AND Edith Pioff Driving home for Christmas - Once in Royal David’s City - Last Christmas, - I saw mommy kissin' Santa Claus - Rockin' around the Christmas tree. - Walking in the air - Here comes Santa Claus, - I believe in Father Christmas. - Step into Christmas - Joy to the world - Santa Claus is coming to town, - it’s gonna be a cold cold Christmas - A winter wonderland, - Jingle Bells, - The Holly and the Ivy, - Mistletoe and Wine, - It's the most wonderful time of the year, - I wish it could be Christmas every day, - Merry Christmas everybody !Splendid stuff again! And merry Christmas to both of you!

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Episode 400000011 OUR HERO RETURNS! The little guy’s list seemed like it was going to rattle off the whole population of the town, and as he returned to a placid silence, my oppo looked over to me quizzically. She seemed to have lost her earlier sense of outrage at the use of my dated, and apparently outlawed, blocking device. ‘Why did you stop him?’ she asked. I raised an eyebrow and glanced back at her ‘Were you making notes?’ I responded, ‘The guy was going through a whole list of people which gives us an idea that the effect this presence is having is pretty significant. What we need to assess now, before I bring him back to consciousness, is an idea of where they roughly live.’

By Michael McSpleen

She pondered on this and nodded her assent, so I continued ‘Do these people live near you round here or further away?’ Still smiling in a stupefied state he answered ‘Oh yes. They all live round here, full of eccentric types if you know what I mean.’ As he finished his answer, I could see people approaching and so quickly reversed the action on the small, pen sized blocker and looked away as I held it to his face and pushed the accelerator button. He returned to an i m me d i a t e s t a t e o f awareness, none the wiser or the worse for his experience. ‘Real nice to meet you Sir.’ I smiled as reassuringly as I could and he returned it with a polite farewell and the offer of a drink if we were about later. To be continued

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And so we continue our story. Many thanks to everyone who sent in the next episode, and the winner we publish below. If you would like to write the next instalment please do email us at [email protected] with your entry (about 200 words) and our Arts Correspondent Seymour Cox will judge which he considers to be the best which will then be published next month! (If you missed the previous instalments you can read them on our website at www.thefuddler.com)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TOBY?Daniella felt a rush in her veins as she ran out of the park, excited but nervous about what may lay before her. She hailed a taxi. ‘Where are you going love?’ asked the cabbie. ‘The railway station - you know where you get the Eurostar.’ She couldn’t remember the name of the station! As she leapt into the cab her mind was going over everything that had happened. Hurry! Hurry! She thought. Would Toby be there? The cab had to halt at the red traffic lights which made her glance frantically at her watch. As she looked down she realised there was a tiny crumb of her Belgian bun caught in her hair and she manically, charged only with the fervour of someone who was panicking, brushed the offending article aside. Hurry! Hurry! As the lights changed to green the cab swung out onto the busy road but collided with the wing of the ubiquitous white van that happened to be doing a u-turn. No! No! This cannot be happening Daniella thought. Bizarrely thinking about the Parisian trip, possibly, or was it all a dream ... So now it’s over to you! What do you think happened next?


MAYFAIR CURRENCY

Asia Autumn 1973 Another out of sequence tale here, back to the journey from London to Madras in 73/74. It relates to crossing borders, a simple process most of the time but sometimes, complicated by the lack of compatible cultures of adjacent countries. Although this tale relates to a border somewhere between Iran and India, it starts in Gloucester Road Ke n s in g ton , Lon d on , outside the Harrington public house from where Andrew and I started our seven month drive to Australia.

The Harrington had been my local for a few years and it was while living in this area that I met the various folk who inspired me to visit the an t ipodes and more importantly go overland. So it seemed fitting that our departure would commence at a suitable watering hole in this area with some those people. What we did not realise until seconds before leaving, was that a 10 inch pile of magazines had been secreted away under the passenger seat our London Taxi, the vehicle of choice for THIS pair of intrepid Over-Landers. Someone had decided that a dozen or so back copies of Playboy, Escort and Mayfair would be good currency at

some critical points of our trip. The fact is that it is quite difficult to assess where to use such produce The value of such mag’s like drugs is proportional to the degree to which such trade is criminal; as a result it was not very often that we managed to use the merchandise as currency, still as Andrew said, the stories in the m a g a z i n e s w h e r e s o m e t i m e s , “ q u i t e interesting”! However, like drugs, there where some countries where possession of such magazines was a crime! But all was not lost. To be concluded next time Prof Reginald V Q De Gama IPA With Kind permission from Jim Barr

They got me! Those pests in the studio! But, they only messed me up a little - then stuck this hat on me! You may have guessed I am an actress in popular US TV drama - do you know who I am? The answer is at the foot of the page.

Abby Brammel from The Unit

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ROUGH COUNTRY PATE(by Philip Head)

You will need the following ingredients: 500 gms minced pigs liver 500 gms sausage meat 1 clove garlic Herbs of your choice (Italian mixed are excellent) Salt Ground black pepper Bay leaves 500 gms streaky bacon 1 bottle chilled Chardonnay! Firstly pour a large glass of Chardonnay, have a slurp and relax. Now line a greased oven proof dish with streaky bacon. Mix

together all the ingredients (not the bay leaves) by hand. Wash hands and take another slurp of Chardonnay. Fill the dish with mixed ingredients and cover mixture with more bacon. Dot with bay leaves, cover with foil and stand in a bowl of water. (Not you, the dish!) Cook in a medium oven for about 2 hours. Allow to cool then serve with hot buttered toast and a slice of lemon.

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safeguarding Santa . . . in Arthur’s World

I’ve had my normal pre-season chat with Santa HQ in Lapland this week. Everything seems in “apple pie order” for the big event. Here in Ampthill some of our comrades are taking Santa and Rudolph’s personal security just a little more seriously this year – and rightly so ! I explained to them about the new security shield we’ve set up – those ultra impressive coloured lights in the town centre. What a show they are ! ! That will keep the pirates out I said – you can fly in under the radar. The sleigh has been fitted with a new “SatNav” system to find it’s way to some seemingly unloved places it couldn’t find last year. He seemed to have lost his way to my place but then dived in at the last knockings. The mince pies and the sherry had been nicked from my door step, That was not because he was late – simply because Ampthill security was lax. I believe Santa’s safe keeping this year may be placed in the capable hands of our mate Mitch – he of the 1st World War protection squad. Not to be confused with “Mad Mitch” of the Falkland crisis, I believe. He’s been out and kitted himself up with a load of new military gear all fit for purpose to beat off any unwanted intruders - and make a note please – without any MOD funding whatsoever. He’s got a lot of experience of the human defence mechanism has our Mitch as seen in week end protectorates of far off places. The occasional TV ad and for me, best of all, in his keeping my grand kids enthralled on Gala Day. He’s coughed up a few bob on his new military gear to help do the job properly and look the part. A new full length Army great coat, a new buckle belt and a couple of pouches for something or other are recorded. But the best for me is the new helmet – a real military gem and tall enough to accommodate his favourite Mohican hair style when it comes back into play next summer. Santa will be safe, rest assured. Mitch will be warm and cosy in his new gear. But I’ll bet you all – he’ll still have his favourite Luton FC shirt underneath it all to keep him warm !

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by The Mammoth Man’s Brother

People look east! The time is near

Of the crowning of the year.

Make your house as fair as you are able,

Trim your hearth; and set your table!

People look east, and sing today:

Love the guest is on the way.

From the east, and from far beyond the fallow fields and familiar ways, from beyond known paths and friendly pastures; from beyond vast tracts of land facing a rising sun presently reluctant to reveal it’s itself with its

illuminating but only cool rays; from the country beyond the great north path and behind the iron way – greetings and salutations. From peoples and cultures near but yet so far; and to you, the thankful and the expectant, the healthy and ailing, the glad and the sad, and to all who ga th er such a s yourselves, and sup and laugh and look gladly towards Longest Night – greetings and salutations. Welcome, I bid you, these dark wintry days of delight and joy, of praise and thanksgiving; of feasting and song; the familiar company of friends and family; and of the expectation of shorter nights to come. Prepare your hearts and minds for this, the most gladdening of seasons. Close not your doors, and shut not

your hearts to those who most need them both to be freely open. And as this side of the world spins irrevocably into its darkest days, remember that at the same time there are those under the cold western sky for whom the Sun Of Life is now shining at its most glorious and with its most warming rays! And therefore be equally assured that, as has been decreed for aeons, it will surely return to regenerate and enliven us with those very same rays when Earth has once again turned it’s course. As the cold winds and dark days serve only to strengthen our reserves, let us, as the poet bids us, “trim our hearths and set our tables”. So may all our hearths be welcoming this Season, and the tables of our homes and

hearts set with the best of fare for all those who may call upon our hospitality, expected and welcome; or otherwise. …. we came to a tavern with

vine leaves over the lintel, Six hands at an open

door dicing for pieces of silver,

And feet kicking empty wine-skins.

But there was no information, and so we

continued And arrived at

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satisfactory .... The First Of The Magi November 2009 (With acknowledgements to Eleanor Farjeon and T.S. Eliot)

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We have been asked to publish the following list of Church Services that are taking place over the Christmas period. We hope that you find this helpful.Christmas Services in Flitwick and Ampthill

Ampthill Baptist Church

20th December, 10.45 am – Christmas Celebration 6.30 pm – Christmas Celebration by Candlelight (mince pies and coffee to follow) Christmas Eve 24th December 11.30 pm – Midnight Communion Service Christmas Day 25th December 10.00 am – Christmas Morning Celebration Sunday after Christmas 27th

December 10.45 am – All ages service, ‘You are warmly invited to join us this Christmas 4’

Ampthill Church of England – St

Andrews 20th December, 11.15 am – Carol Service (St Michael and All Angels, Millbrook) 6.30 pm – Carol Service (St Lawrence, Steppingley) Christmas Eve 24th December 10.15 am – Holy Communion 3.30 pm – Nativity Service 8.00 pm – Civic Carol Service 11.30 pm – Midnight Mass (St Michael and All Angels , Millbrook) Christmas Day 25th December 8.00 am – Holy Communion 9.30 am – Sung Eucharist 11.15 am – Holy Communion (St Lawrence, Steppingley)

Ampthill Methodist Church

20th December, 10.30 am – Family Carol service with Rev. Joanne Sherwood (Please note there is no evening

candlelit service this year due to building works at Ampthill Methodist Church.) Christmas Day 25th December 10.00 am – Joint Christmas Morning Celebration at Ampthill Baptist Church

Flitwick Catholic Church – Sacred Heart

Church20th December, 7.00 pm – Carol Service Christmas Eve 24th December 6.00 pm – Children’s Mass (Sacred Heart Church, Flitwick) 9.00 pm – Vigil Mass (Sacred Heart Church, Flitwick) Christmas Day 25th December 10.00 am – Christmas Day Mass (Sacred Heart Church, Flitwick) 11.30 am – Christmas Day Mass (St Andrew’s, Ampthill)

Flitwick Church of England – St Peter and

St PaulChristmas Eve 24th December2.00 pm – Candlelight Carol

service 1 (St Peter and St Paul)4.00 pm – Candlelight Carol service 2 (St Peter and St Paul) 6.00 pm – Candlelight Carol service 3 (St Peter and St Paul) 11.30 pm – Midnight Mass (St Peter and St Paul) Christmas Day 25th December9.00 am – Holy Communion &

carols (St Andrews, Windmill Road) 10.30 am – Parish Eucharist and carols (St Peter and St Paul) Sunday after Christmas 27th December 9.00 am – Holy Communion (St

Andrews, Windmill Road) 10.30 am – Parish Eucharist (St Peter and St Paul)

Flitwick Methodist Church

Christmas Eve 24th December 5.00 pm – Family Communion 11.30 pm – Christmas Eve Communion Christmas Day 25th December 10.00 am – Christmas morning family service

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With Lauren Louella Boughalls And the answer to last month's conundrum is Flitwick Manor, tucked away behind the church in one of the oldest and most picturesque parts of Flitwick (which I understand is pronounced Flittick). So well done to everyone who got that one right! This month's teaser is a part of a building which needs to be identified. Can you name the building? Have a spiffing Christmas one and all

Answers by email to [email protected] or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

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And here are more wacky observations from the world of Montgolfier: Remember when buying wood for your fire ‘That Ash be dry or Ash be green, makes a fire fit for a Queen. Also remember that stand a log on end and you’ll have the woodman for a friend. Wife to husband ‘Has anyone ever told you that you are he life and soul of the party? Husband ‘No.’ Wife: ‘Has anyone told you that you are God’s gift to women?’ Husband ‘No.’ Wife: ‘What makes you think you are?’ You know your day is not going well when you ring the Samaritans and the phone is constantly engaged. Or you wake up because you think your water bed is leaking, then you realise you haven’t got one. On visiting a friend’s new house I was amazed how posh it was. Do you know they had even got ashtrays without ads on.On going to a wedding I was surprised to see that they only had a 2 tier wedding cake. Later I was told they had used the other one for the Christening. And a joyous Christmas to all.

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did we have to go shopping? Anyway, one Christmas morning I awoke excitedly and rustled around in my stocking at the foot of my bed and sought out under the nuts and oranges some of the smaller wrapped presents. I was distracted by a commotion downstairs between my father and my brother. “Of course it was not Father Christmas - he does not exist you idiot! You drank the glass of port and the rest of the bottle and then started on my best whiskey. You even gave the dog the mince pies” said my father. My brother glanced down to Penny our pet dachshund, who was hiding and looking very sheepish under her chair. I looked from my brother to our father for an explanation of what had been said about Santa Claus. My brother was just about to try an explain his actions the previous evening, saw me and my obviously

disappointed expression and used it to his advantage “Look what you’ve just done – you’ve ruined his Christmas - fancy telling him there’s no Father Christmas Dad”. My father wagged his finger toward FG, who was looking quite smug at this point, looked at me and said “Well he had to find out sometime” and disappeared down to his shed. Dinner had been in progress for some time and Mother had been oblivious to all the kafuffle in the living room earlier and the revelation of no Santa Claus. “That’s nice dear” she said when I tried, through teary eyes, to explain what I had just overheard. “Pass me the stuffing mixture please” “But Mother” I countered, just as a neighbour appeared at the back door. “Merry Christmas” he said jollily and looked down at me “And what did Father Christmas

bring you then?” he continued, “Nothing” I cried and ran upstairs to recreate an imaginary battle between a mixture of soldiers from the XII legion and Wellingtons dragoons against a very well equipped panzer division complete with infantry and artillery support. A f t e r t a k i n g o u t m y disappointment on the combined forces of Julius Caesar and the Duke of Wellington, the rest of the day passed relatively without incident and no sooner had it begun Christmas was over for another year. But it never really felt the same.

For children, childhood is timeless. It is always the present. Everything is in the present tense. Of course they have memories. Of course time shifts a little for them and Christmas comes round in the end. But they don’t feel it. Ian McEwan 1948- The Child in Time (1987)

Episode 16…My Father ChristmasI found out at an early age, rather prematurely, that there was no Father Christmas. I think I was 5 or 6 at the time and up until then had believed that if you were good all year round, a rather jolly portly gentleman would come down the chimney and deliver the presents that were on your list, well some of them at least, sometime during Christmas Eve night to be opened on Christmas morning. There were of course, in hindsight, a few obvious anomalies here. We had gas fires at home and no chimneys; all the nasty spoilt children in my neighbourhood always got much nicer more expensive presents than us good kids and why, if Father Christmas provided all these toys, games, bicycles etc,

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the fuddler december 2009

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