OtherbooksbytheauthorTheIntrovertedLeaderQuietInfluence

TheGeniusofOppositesHowIntrovertsandExtrovertsAchieveExtraordinaryResults

Together

JenniferB.Kahnweiler,PhD

TheGeniusofOpposites

Copyright©2016byJenniferB.KahnweilerAllrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,distributed,

ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,includingphotocopying,recording,orotherelectronicormechanicalmethods,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher,exceptinthecaseofbriefquotationsembodiedincriticalreviewsandcertainothernoncommercialusespermittedbycopyrightlaw.Forpermissionrequests,writetothepublisher,addressed“Attention:PermissionsCoordinator,”attheaddressbelow.

Berrett-KoehlerPublishers,Inc.

1333Broadway,Suite1000Oakland,CA94612-1921Tel:(510)817-2277,Fax:(510)817-2278www.bkconnection.com

OrderinginformationforprinteditionsQuantitysales.Specialdiscountsareavailableonquantitypurchasesby

corporations,associations,andothers.Fordetails,contactthe“SpecialSalesDepartment”attheBerrett-Koehleraddressabove.Individualsales.Berrett-Koehlerpublicationsareavailablethroughmost

bookstores.TheycanalsobeordereddirectlyfromBerrett-Koehler:Tel:(800)929-2929;Fax:(802)864-7626;www.bkconnection.comOrdersforcollegetextbook/courseadoptionuse.PleasecontactBerrett-

Koehler:Tel:(800)929-2929;Fax:(802)864-7626.OrdersbyU.S.tradebookstoresandwholesalers.PleasecontactIngram

PublisherServices,Tel:(800)509-4887;Fax:(800)838-1149;E-mail:customer.service@ingrampublisherservices.com;orvisitwww.ingrampublisherservices.com/Orderingfordetailsaboutelectronicordering.

Berrett-KoehlerandtheBKlogoareregisteredtrademarksofBerrett-KoehlerPublishers,Inc.

FirstEditionPaperbackprinteditionISBN978-1-62656-305-6PDFe-bookISBN978-1-62656-306-3IDPFe-bookISBN978-1-62656-307-0

2015-1

Interiordesignandprojectmanagement:DovetailPublishingServices

Coverdesign:IanKoviak/TheBookDesigners

Tomydaughters,LindseyandJessie,whoopenmyheart

Contents

PrefaceIntroduction:ADeceptivelyEasybutHighlyDelicateBalancingAct

PartITheBasicsChapter1WhoAreTheseUnlikelyDuos?Chapter2HowtoMixOilandWater—TheGeniusofOppositesProcessand

Quiz

PartIITheStepsChapter3AccepttheAlienChapter4BringontheBattlesChapter5CasttheCharacterChapter6DestroytheDislikeChapter7EachCan’tOfferEverything

PartIIITheResultsChapter8KeepYourEyeontheResults

NotesAcknowledgmentsIndexAboutJenniferWorkingwiththeAuthor

Preface

“It comes down to different styles. That is the cause ofmostconflictsatwork.Youareanextrovert,Jennifer,andAmy,yourassistant, is an introvert. Until you accept that basic fact andlearn to work with her, your department won’t get to where itneedstobe.”

ThesewordsfromPeter,anoutsidecompanyconsultant,werehardtohear.IhadreallyworkedatmovingAmyalongandexpectedher toadoptmyenergyandpace.Noneofmyeffortswereworking.Trying to fixAmyandmoldherinto a “mini-Jennifer”was actuallymaking thingsworse.Our partnership hadalreadyfizzleddespitemyherculeanefforts.

Though itwas too late tomake thingswork then, failing to establish aproductive work relationship with Amy did motivate me to learn moreabout introverts and extroverts. This book is the result of my extensiveresearchwithmanyfamousandnotsofamousintrovert/extrovertduosoverathirty-yearconsulting,coaching,andspeakingcareer.You will discover why it can be so hard to thrive in some of your

relationshipswithopposites.Youwill learnabout fiveessential steps thatsuccessfuloppositesusetonavigatethetrickywatersoftheirrelationships.And youwill discoverwhy these five steps are important, how they canbreak down, and what practical solutions you can use to achieveextraordinaryresultstogether.

What’sinThisBook?Because I rarely read a book cover to covermyself, I’ve tried tomake the

book easy to navigate—and include short summaries and questions for you toconsiderattheendofeachchapter.Thatwayyoucandipinandoutofchaptersthatinterestyou.

We start off in the introduction with the major theme of the book:oppositesaremostsuccessfulwhentheystopfocusingontheirdifferencesanduseapproachesthatmovethemtowardresults.InChapter1,“WhoAreTheseUnlikelyDuos?,”youwilllearnaboutthe

strengths and frictionpoints for introverts andextrovertswhen theywork

together.Chapter2,“HowtoMixOilandWater,” laysout theGeniusofOppositesProcess,thebasisofthebook.Youwilllearnhowbothyouandyour opposite can “Accept the Alien,” “Bring on the Battles,” “Cast theCharacter,” “Destroy the Dislike,” and learn why “Each Can’t OfferEverything.”Thereisaquiztohelpyouassesswhatyouhaveincommonwithhigh-functioningopposites.Youcantakeitandcompareyourresultswithyourpartner’sresults.Chapters 3 through 7 are replete with stories of genius opposites in

workplacesaroundtheworld.Youwilllearnfromtheirexperienceswhattodoandnottodowhenhandlingthedynamicactofworkingtogether.Chapter8wrapsitallupandhelpsyoujumpstartyourplanforsuccess.Soareyoureadytohearabout:

Theworld-famouscomposerswhofelttheyhadmuchmoretooffertheworldin an already-impressive roster of songs, but they couldn’t get over theirdislikeofeachother?TheautomobileCEOwhowasoutmaneuveredbyanewCEO in an illfated“mergerofequals”?Theremarkablyinsightfulpairoffilmcriticswhoalmostmissedtheirchanceto appreciate each other’s great gifts because they were so busy competingwitheachother?Theskilledconsultantswholosttheirbusinessbecausetheycouldn’treconciletheirstylesandmodifytheirfirmwhentheGreatRecessionhit?

Giventhatanestimatedapproximately50percentofpeopleintheworldfalloneithertheintrovertorextrovertsideofthespectrum,chancesarethatyou have interacted with or will interact with your opposites often. Theoutcomesof someofyourwildly successful anddisastrousventuresweredeterminedbywhetheryouwereinsynchwithoratpolarityfromintrovertsor extroverts. Perhaps you’ve left a project because one of the key teammemberswasanoppositetypetoyou,andthefrustrationovercameyou.There is no way to assess how many breakthrough ideas never broke

throughbecauseoppositescouldnotgetover thebarriers theirdifferencescaused.Youmayhaveafewinmindfromyourowncareer.Itdoesn’thavetobethatway….

Introduction

ADeceptivelyEasybutHighlyDelicateBalancingAct

Introvert and extrovert opposites, working together, can accomplish greatthings. Think John Lennon and Paul McCartney, Sheryl Sandberg and MarkZuckerberg,SteveJobsandSteveWozniak,RalphDavidAbernathyandMartinLuther King Jr., and Eleanor Roosevelt and Franklin Roosevelt. The list isextensive—likelyinyourlifeaswell.

Opposites like these attract, right? They often get along very well aswork partners and fill in each other’s voids. They create beautifulharmoniestogether.Yet, there isanotherpervasiveanddarker truth.Thesehigh-performing

duosmayhave the illusionofbeing effortlesslywell balanced. In reality,complementaryoppositescangoofftherailsveryquickly,andthedamagecanbeasnegativeastheimpactsarepositive.There are often temporary and longer deep freezes and estrangements

between partners. Advice columnists and twin sisters Ann Landers andAbigail Van Buren didn’t speak for seven years. Politicians TeddyRoosevelt andWilliamHowardTaft let politics overtake their friendship.The Nobel prize–winning scientists James Watson and Francis CrickstoppedworkingtogetheraftertheydiscoveredDNA.Wearefamiliarwiththe pain of too many of these work and personal breakups betweenopposites.Thinkofmarriageasoneexampleofthisphenomenon.Foramarriageto

succeed, we need to figure out how to deal with each other beyond theinitialattractionandhoneymoonphases.Weknowthatbothpartnersneedtoworkatit.Ahappymarriagedoesn’tjusthappen.The truth is that theseoppositepairs require constantvigilance, careful

maintenance,andbalance.Without this focusedattention,notonlydo thepartnersexperiencefrustration,buttheirpotentiallygreatcontributionsarenotrealized.Intheworkplace,theirorganizations,clients,andcustomersallloseout.Sowhatisthecommonthemeofsuccess?

Thekeyistorememberthattheserelationshipsaremostsuccessfulwhenoppositesstopfocusingontheirdifferencesanduseapproachesthatmove

themtowardresults.

WhyNowIstheTimeforTheGeniusofOpposites

“YouKnowWhoIsMissingHere?”For years, I have trained and coached introverts about how to find their

leadershipvoiceandmakeadifference.EverytimeIleadaseminar, introvertstellme,“Youknowwhoismissinghere,Jennifer?Myboss,myspouse,myco-worker!Theyneed tohear that nothing iswrongwithus and thatwehave somanystrengthstooffer.Idon’thateextroverts;infact,Ihaveachildwhoisone.Idoliketheiroutgoingways,butIamnotsurehowtogetawordinedgewise!”

Weoften judgeeachother. Introverts seeextrovertsas speakingbeforethinking,usingtoomanywordstoexpressthemselves,beingpoorlisteners,and appearing self-centered. Introverts know how extroverts get irritatedwiththembecauseoftheirslowerpaceandmoremeasuredtones,andarepuzzled and frustrated about how to manage the energy and expressivenatureoftheirextrovertedworkcolleagues.Extroverts turn out to be just as frustrated with introverts. They see

introverts as slow to respond, unemotional, and dismissive of their ownachievements.Theydon’tunderstandtheintrovert’sneedforquiettimeandcanbefrustratedbyamoremeasuredresponsethatrequiresthemto“pullteeth”togetaquickanswer.Extroverts also understand that the outward energy they view as a

strengthisoftentoomuchfor theirquietercolleaguestohandle.Theyarealsocluelessabouthowtodialitdown.Tothem,theintroverts’quietrobstheorganizationofpotentialideasandinnovations.

OppositesCanProduceExponentialResultsUntilnow,therehasnotbeenaprocesstoblendthecomplementarytalentsof

introverts and extroverts. But the remarkable thing is thatwhen you skillfullycombinetheextrovertsetofstrengthswiththoseoftheintrovert,youdon’tjustgetaddition.Yougetexponentialresults.

It’s likehavingonegroupwhocanseeonlycloseupandonewhocansee only in the distance.When you bring them together andmanage the

blend, the entire picture comes into focus and suddenly you can act onthingsthewayneithersidecouldhaveseparately.Thepossibilitiesforthesetwo styles collaborating are great for those individuals, but also for theirworkplaces,includingimprovedmorale,surpassedcompanygoals,andthehighthatcomesfromsatisfyingwork.

PartnershipsAretheNewWorkModelThe individualistic, self-centered career path is shifting toward one ofmore

collaboration. This new model of work includes former competitors comingtogether as working partners, sellers collaborating with their customers, andglobal partners joining across continents to achieve their goals. If these are toblossom, opposites need to understand a key dimension of personality style—introversionandextroversion—andusethisknowledgetostrengthenthemselvesandtheirpartnership.

SoHowCanWeReallyMakeThisI/EThingWork?Sincethepublicationofmylasttwobooks,TheIntrovertedLeaderandQuiet

Influence, along with Quiet by Susan Cain and other titles, the topic ofintroversionhastouchedadeeprecognizablenerve.Theriseoftheintrovertsisarealmovement. I haveheard fromhundredsof readers about how they finallyfeel validated. Large and small organizations are taking introversion moreseriously and even recognizing it as an important element of diversity. Anincreasingdemandfortrainingandspeakingprogramsisevidenceofthisshift,aswellasthecreationofquietofficespacestoaccommodateintroverts’needs.

Thisbook isbuiltupon the shouldersof thehundredsof introvertsandextroverts who have opened up to me over a ten-year period. Throughhundreds of conversations during and after my presentations and innumerousdialogueswithmyonline community,peoplehaveaskedabouthow to get along with the “other half.” “How do we as introverts andextroverts achieve great results together?” they ask. How can we reallymake it work? This groundswell of interest told me now is the time todiscovertheelementsofthisdelicatebalance.Itisthenextnaturalstep.

GlideSeamlesslyinandoutofConversationsThe sooner that introverts and extroverts learn about each other’s different

languages, thequicker theycanget to results.Wework together inoffices,onconferencecalls,andthroughtextmessages.Yetitoftenfeelslikeweintrovertsandextrovertsarespeakingentirelydifferent languages.Weneedto learnhow

toglidemoreseamlesslyinandoutoftheseconversationswithaslittlestressaspossible.

Being able to do this not only gets results but is also personallygratifying. Olivia, an extroverted corporate trainer, works closely withintroverts.ShesaidofherintrovertedcolleagueandfriendHenry,“Itisnota competition for the spotlight. Henry is my biggest fan. He sees mystrengthswhen Idon’t see them.”Henrysaid,“Oliviahasherantennaupand iscued intoothers’needs.Wepass thebaton toeachotheranddon’tcarewhohasthefunpart.”

WhatMyResearchDiscoveredAboutOppositesTounderstandandeventuallysurface thenecessaryprotonsandelectronsof

the Genius of Opposites model, I interviewed more than forty introvert andextrovert partners. The interviewees represent different career fields, genders,ages,nationalities,andorganizations.Ifirstgavethemasetofquestionsaboutthedynamicsofworkingwith theiropposite, and theyopenedup tomeabouttheir learnings and the highs and lows of navigating a relationship with theiropposite.

TheGeniusofOppositesHasaFive-StepABCDEProcessInthislatestresearch,Iculledtheirkeylessonsandthemesandboileddown

their secret sauce into fivekey steps. I thenplaced these steps into an easy toremember five-stepABCDE process. Youwill read about how theGenius ofOppositesProcessworksandevenbeabletotakeaquiztodeterminehowcloseyouaretoachieving“geniusstatus.”

As you read this book and hear the stories of others, I hope you willdiscoverthepowerofworkingwithacurrentoppositeandthemanyotheropposites you interact with regularly at work. I anticipate that you willawakenyourowngeniusbyusing the fivesteps thathave launchedotherpairs into the sheer enjoyment of creating together something they couldnothaveproducedalone.

WhoIsThisBookFor?Thisbookisforintrovertsandextrovertsworkinginorganizationsacrossthe

globe who who are in partnerships within and outside their diverseorganizations. These are not limited to internal partnerships, but also includethose with outside customers, suppliers, and strategic partners. In addition,

coaches, trainers, and managers who want to bring out the best in theiremployeeswillbenefitfromtheideasandsolutionspresentedhere.

Sohereisasneakpreviewoftheprocess.

TheGeniusofOppositesProcessEachofthesestepsisanessentialcomponentofastrongpartnership.

1.Accept the Alien: You can’t change your opposite, but you canunderstandthem.Onceyouareabletoacceptthisfact,youareinformuchlessstress.2.BringontheBattles:Seedisagreementasnecessarytoarrivingatbetter outcomes because you challenge each other to come up withbettersolutionstogetherthanyouwouldalone.3.CasttheCharacter:Knoweachperson’sroleinascenarioandcastthemso that youbringout youropposite’s best.Opposites share thecreditnomatterwhatroletheytake.4. Destroy the Dislike: When you respect each other and act likefriends,youcantalkopenlyandhavefun.5. Each Can’t Offer Everything: Know that each one of you isincapable of offering everything, so for true diversity, you work in

concerttoprovidethewidestrangeofoptionstoothers.FigureI.1TheABCsofTheGeniusofOppositesProcess

AccepttheAlienBringontheBattlesCasttheCharacterDestroytheDislikeEachCan’tOfferEverything

Summary:PreventingtheCrashandBurnThebenefitssuchrelationshipsbringareself-evident,butthere’salsoaprice

topaywhentheyarenotproperlymaintained.Foreverysuccessstoryabouttwooppositeswhomadeitwork,therearefourorfiveaboutoppositeswhocrashedandburnedbecausetheycouldn’treconciletheirdifferentstyles.

If you and your opposite are already thriving, this book is yourmaintenancemanual,yourkeytoavoidingthecrashandburn.Ifyou’rejustembarkingonanopposites relationship, thisbookcanstopyoubothfromgoingterriblyandofftrack.Thenitwillbecomeyourmaintenancemanual.Proceedwithrespectandcaution:geniusoppositesdonotjust“happen.”

PartITheBasics

Chapter1

WhoAreTheseUnlikelyDuos?

Onegoingup,onecomingdownButweseemtolandoncommongroundWhenthingsgowrongwemakecorrectionsTokeepthingsmovingintherightdirectionTrytofightitbutI’mtellingyou,Jack,It’suseless,oppositesattract.

—OliverLeiber,SongwriterforPaulaAbdul1

WhatAreGeniusOpposites?Geniusoppositesarepartnershipsmadeupof introvertsandextroverts inall

typesofcombinations.Theseincludeexecutivesandadmins,creativesandtheircollaborators, sales people and office support personnel, projectmanagers andtheirsponsors,andmore.

These powerful teams have a unique chemistry and achieve outcomesthey never could achieve alone. But they take work to succeed, and themagicrisesfromtheirdifferences.Althoughtheirstylesaredivergent, theresultsoftheircollaborationlookliketheycamefromasinglemind.Theirrelationships are most successful when they stop focusing on theirdifferencesanduseapproachesthatmovethemtowardresults.

BeSureYou’reDefiningIntrovertsandExtrovertsAccuratelyIntroverts get their energy from within, and extroverts get theirs from the

outsideworld.Thoughmanyofusclaimtofallsomewhereinthemiddleonthisenergyscale,wedotendtoleanonewayoranother.

You can also behave more extroverted or introverted in a specificsituation. For example, as an extrovert, you may be very comfortable atlargeholidaypartieswithstrangers,butyoumayclamupwiththefinanceteam,withwhom you have less confidence.Or as an introvert, youmayspeak powerfully in a prepared talk but be tongue-tied with your co-workersatlunch.

The deal-breaker question of whether you are more of an introvert orextrovertisthis:Doyouneedtimetorechargeafterbeingwithpeople?Ifthe answer is a resounding yes!, then there is a good chance you are anintrovert. But if it is just a medium yes, then you are likely moreextroverted. While that distinction may not be especially scientific, it ispractical.BethBuelowisanexpertonintrovertedentrepreneursandauthorofThe

IntrovertEntrepreneur.2 In complimenting an introvert/extrovert pairwhomadetheirbusinessworkasopposites,Bethsaid,“Youaremasteringbeingtogether together.”3 Thatmastery describesmanyof the partners youwillmeet in this book. In different ways, they are seeking to deliver resultstogether.Youwillalsoreadaboutthebreakdownsthatoccuralongthewaybetweenintrovertsandextroverts,andhowtoavoidthem.Hereareafewofthe problems that can occur as a result of introvert/extrovert differences.Canyouidentifywithanyoftheseineitheryourworkorpersonallife?

OppositeWiringCausesMisfiringThepeoplewhodriveuscrazyoftenviewtheworldthroughdifferentlenses.

In fact, those “lens” differences or traits that we at first find endearing oftenbecome the oneswe can’t stand. I lovedmy introverted husbandBill’s quiet,calmdemeanorwhenwewere dating.Ayear later, I found those longpausesirritating.Whydoesn’t he answerwhen I ask a question? I thought.The truthwas that Bill was responding in the same slow cadence as before, but thehoneymoonwas over and Iwas less accepting.He still expresses himself thatwaymore than fortyyears later.Fortunately, learningabout introvert/extrovertpreferenceshelpedme to reframehis longpausesandaccepthisneed to thinkfirstbeforehespoke.

Inadditiontodifferencesinpaceofspeech,thesenaturaldifferencescanalsoleadtoconflictbetweenintrovertsandextroverts.

WiringChallenge#1:BeingAloneVersuswithPeopleIntroverts need and want to spend time alone. They prefer quiet, private

spacesandliketohandleprojectsindividually,oneonone,orinsmallgroups.Extrovertshaveahardtimeunderstandingthatandoftenfeeltheneedtointrudeon that solitude.MyhusbandBill, in his humorousway, has a large “DoNotDisturb” sign on his door, as a fifteen-year-old boymight! Extroverts need astrongsignallikethattoknowintrovertsmeanbusinesswhentheysaytheyneedalonetime.

Writer Jonathan Rauch explains, “Extroverts… assume that company,especially their own, is always welcome… . As often as I have tried toexplainthemattertoextroverts,Ihaveneversensedthatanyofthemreallyunderstood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking andyipping.”4

Extrovertsthriveonbeingoutamongpeople,lovemeetingnewonesandpackingalotintoaday.Themoreactivitiesthebetteritis.WhenextrovertSteveCohn,adirectorof learning, ison the road,he likes toeatwithhiscolleagues, to“hearsixteenconversationsgoingonat thesametime.”Anintrovertedteammembertoldhimthatattheendoftheday,shehadgiveneverything she had while in the classroom and needed to recharge. Sheheadeduptoherroomandthatwasitfortheevening.Cohnwasirritatedatfirst,butchangedhis thinkingwhenhe thoughtabout it.Heexplained,“Iteachthisstuff(communicationskills),soIamunderstanding.”Until partners understand these differences, they may not be as

understanding and resent team members who don’t join in eveningsocializing. Being alone or being with people can create challenges incustomerinteractionsaswell.Introvertsarechallengedwhentheyarethrustinto gatherings designed for networking with strangers. Extroverts arefrustratedwhena customeror client squelches their rapport-building timebybeinguncommunicativeorwantingtogettobusiness.

WiringChallenge#2:ThinkingItThroughVersusTalkingItOutIntroverts need space and time to process their thoughts. Even in casual

conversations, theyconsiderothers’commentscarefully.Theystopand reflectbeforerespondingandknowhowtousethepowerofthepausetoleteveryone’swordssinkin.Extrovertsareimpatientwhilewaitingforintrovertstofinishtheirthoughts.Theyalsoexpressfrustrationabouthavingtoaskquestionsinordertopullideasfromtheirintrovertedcounterparts,especiallywhendecisionsmustbemade. They often are ready to move while their introvert partners are stillponderingtheoptions.

Extrovertsmaynothavefullyformedtheir ideas,butareforming themaloudastheyspeak.Introvertsfindthistiringandbecomeconfusedtryingtofollowanextrovert’srunningcommentary.Theymayeventhinkthattheextrovert has changed his mind when he is expressing a new thought;actually, the thought was just percolating aloud. Consultant and authorEmilyAxelrodillustratesthepoint:“ItusedtofrustrateDick(herhusbandandbusinesspartner)whenIwouldthinkoutloud.Once,Irantohimand

said, ‘Let’sgo to themovies.Wecan see this, this, this,or this!’He justlookedatme.Suddenly, itdawnedonme: it frustratedhimwhenIwouldtalkaboutallthesethingsthatwecoulddobecausehethoughtwehadtodothemall!”

WiringChallenge#3:BeingPrivateVersusBeinganOpenBookIntrovertskeeppersonalmattersunderwraps,sharinginformationwithonlya

selectfew.Eventhen,theyshareitonlyaftertheyknowpeoplewellandfeelahigh level of comfort with them. Extroverts want to connect andwarm up topeople more quickly. They may perceive introverts as standoffish, aloof, anddownright angry when first meeting them, especially when introverts don’tquickly self-disclose. Introverts, on the other hand, find the questions andimmediatebest-friendcamaraderieintrusive.

Thatextrovertsneedto talk, talk,andtalk toeveryoneoftenbaffles theintrovert.AuthorandleadershipconsultantDevoraZacktells introverts inherclasses thatextrovertssay,“Icantalk toanyoneaboutanything.”Shehaswatched thosesame introverts“starewithmouthsdroppedopen,as ifupontheirfirstviewingofaUFO.”5

Summary:FigureOuttheWiringThe new model of work requires that we collaborate and understand how

extroverts and introverts are wired differently. Not understanding how thesedifferentwirescancrosscancauseseriousdamageinbeingproductive,satisfied,andultimatelyinservingyourcustomers.

Yournaturaldisposition towardorawayfromsolitude,yourpreferencefor thinking or talking aloud and being private or an open book are allpotential causes for disagreement. Though their styles are divergent andthese unlikely duos take work to succeed, the magic rises from theirdifferences.The results of their collaboration look like they came from asinglemind.

Chapter2

HowtoMixOilandWater—TheGeniusofOppositesProcessandQuiz

Areyou ready tomove towardextraordinary resultswithyouropposite?Astemptingas itmayseemtofix themfirst,yourfirststep is to lookatyourself.Takestockofhowyouseethedynamicsofyourpartnershipplayingout.Whatisworking,andwhatneedssomeadjustingfromyourperspective?Ideally,youropposite is alsowilling to take an honest assessment and feelsmotivated likeyoutomovetowardanewgeniuslevelofperformance.

Oneway to assess your partnership and to begin tomove toward thatnewlevelofperformanceistotakethisshortquiz.It’sdesignedtohelpyouevaluate howwell you interactwith your partner and performon the jobusingthefivestepsdiscussedinChapter1ofthisbook.

TheQuizUse thequizasaway toassessyourprogressasyouapply the ideas in the

book.Basedonthecharacteristicsthatsetgeniusoppositesapart,youwilllearnwhatyouhaveincommonwithhighlyeffectiveopposites.

DirectionsIfyouareanintrovert,envisionyourinteractionwithaworkcolleaguewhois

anextrovert.Whenansweringthefollowingquestionsasanextrovert,envisionyourinteractionwithaworkcolleaguewhoisanintrovert.Ifyouarenotsureorfeelyouarecloselytiedbetweenthetwo,reviewchapter1forsomeclues.

Assessyourselfbyindicatinghowoftenyouengagein thesebehaviors,usingascalefrom1(never)to5(almostalways).

RatingGuidelinesYour initial response is usually the most valid, so don’t second guess

yourself. Also avoid being too tough or easy a critic on yourself. If youwereanobjectiveoutsiderater,howwouldyougradeyourselfonthesefivekeystepsusingthescalebelow?

HowtoScoreandInterprettheQuizTakethesestepstogetthemostoutoftheGeniusofOppositesquiz:

1.Grabapieceofpaperoranote-takingapponyourphone.2.Totalthenumbersyoucircledonthequiz.Thisisyourscore.3.Reviewthedescriptionofyourscore in the tableon thenextpageand consider the suggestions in the scoring table to enhance yourindividualperformance.4.Usetheseresultsasawaytogaugewhatyouaredoingeffectively.Considerthemastartingpoint.YoucanfocusonstepsoftheGeniusof Opposites Process that are relevant to you and collect solutionswhilereading.5.Encourageyourpartnertotakethequizanddiscussyourresponses.

Didyoudiffer inyouroverall scores?What about in the categories?Werethereanyquestionsthatyouviewedcompletelydifferently?6.Decidetoworkononeareaeitherindividuallyortogether.Youaremoving toward extraordinary results by opening up this importantdialogue.

ScoreRange

ScoreDescriptionandSuggestions

113–125

VeryStrongYouareusingmanyofthestrengthsofhighlyeffectivegeniusopposites.Lookathowyoucanapplyyourstrengthstotakethispartnershiptoanevenhigherlevelandconsiderhowyoucanimproveotheroppositepartnerships.

100-112

SolidYouaredoingwellindemonstratinggeniusoppositestrengths.Someareasstillcouldusesomeattention.Pinpointthetimeswhenyoureffortstopartnerarenotsuccessful.Seeifyourecognizeanydifferencesbetweenyouruseofthefivestepsinsuccessfulandunsuccessfulsituations.

75-99 ModerateYouhavesomeworktodoinrampingupyourGeniusofOppositesbehavior.Lookataworksituationwhereyouarenotbeingeffectiveandconsiderwhichdifferentstepsyoucanaddtoyourmix.Discusssolutionswithyourpartnerandtrythemon.

74andbelow

LotsofRoomforImprovementYouhavesomeworktodoinlivinguptoyourGeniusofOppositespotential.Startbynoticingyourownbehaviorandaskingyourpartnerandothersforhonestfeedbackandsuggestions.Beginbyworkingononestepthatyouwanttodevelopandsetaspecificgoalforthisweek.Checkinwithyourpartnerasyoumakechanges.

TheGeniusofOppositesProcessNowthatyouhaveanideaoftheareasyouexcelinandthosetoenhance,use

thissummarytokeepthesestepstopofmindasyouventureforthinthebook.Wewillbeexploringeachstepintheprocessthroughoutthenextfivechapters.Payparticularattentiontothesolutionsattheendeachofthosefivechaptersforideasthatyouandyouroppositecanimmediatelyapply.

Figure2.1TheABCsofTheGeniusofOppositesProcessAccepttheAlienBringontheBattlesCasttheCharacterDestroytheDislikeEachCan’tOfferEverything

PotentialAreasofGeniusPerformanceforOpposites1.Accept the Alien: You can’t change your opposite, but you canunderstandthem.Onceyouareabletoacceptthisfact,youareinformuchlessstress.2.Bring on theBattles: See disagreement as necessary to arrive atbetter outcomes because you challenge each other to come up withbettersolutions.3.CasttheCharacter:Knoweachperson’sroleinascenarioandcasthim or her so that you bring out your opposite’s best in that role.Oppositessharethecreditnomatterwhatroletheytake.4. Destroy the Dislike: When you respect each other and act likefriends,youcantalkopenlyandhavefun.

5. Each Can’t Offer Everything: Know that each one of you isincapableof offering everything and that for truediversity youmustworkinconcerttoprovidethewidestrangeofoptionstoothers.

Summary:UseYourFindingsfromtheQuiztoMovetotheNextLevelTo move toward extraordinary results with your opposite, take stock of

yourself and your partnership by completing the Genius of Opposites quiz.Reviewyourscorestodeterminewhatyouwanttobuildonandwhatyouwanttochangeandkeepitclosebyasyoureadthebook,collectingsolutionsalongtheway. Encourage your opposite to take the quiz.Use the quiz as a startingpoint for discussion. Then consider the five steps of the Genius of OppositesProcess,reviewthesolutionsattheendofChapters3through7,anddecidewhatchangesyouwillimmediatelymaketoachieveextraordinaryresults.

PartIITheSteps

Chapter3

AccepttheAlien

“Acceptthatyourpartnerisapainintheass.Acceptthatyouareapainintheass,sothetwoofyouaremadeforeachother.Accept that what makes you furious about your partner iswrappedupwithwhatexcitesyou.Whatyoumostloveandwhatdrivesyoucrazyisthesamething.Justonabadhairday.”6

—JoshuaWolfShenk,authorofPowersofTwo

AccepttheAlien:Youcan’tchangeyouropposite,butyoucanunderstandthem.Onceyouareabletoacceptthisfact,youareinformuchlessstress.

Anthony Morris and Errol la Grange run a growing online trainingorganization inMelbourne, Australia. These opposites’ creative ideas explodelikepopcorn.

Anthonyisathoughtfulandmild-manneredintrovertwhosentmefullythought-out responses tomy questions about their partnership. Errol is asmiling extrovertwho shows up in dailyFacebook posts,meeting peoplearoundtheworld.Hethrivesongoingtocoffeeshopsandchattingwithjustabout anyone. Their complementary differences showed up when I metthem both for the first time.Anthonyworewhat he called his “good olebrownpull-onshoes”purchasedfromalocalshoestore,andErrolstoodoutin his turquoise cowboy boots from San Francisco, making for a greatconversationstarter.Both partners thrive on innovation and keep growing their global

business, taking advantage of technology to find the best way to deliverlearning solutions to their clients.Theyare leaders in theMassiveOnlineOpenClassroom(MOOC)movement,leadingglobalinitiativesinthisnewemergingfield.Their deep mutual affection and respect spring from having built a

business and friendship together over the past ten years. Anthony smilesknowingly at his partner, and Errol pauses to allow Anthony space tointerjecthisthoughts.Errol also describes how talking through conflict deepens their strong

partnership. “Weoftenhavedifferent perspectiveson strategy.We talk itthrough and usually come to better solutions together than alone. Weunderstand that conflict holds the key to opportunity at its core. There isalso a lot of intuitive guidance in howwe relate.”They “can often sensewhat the other is feeling,” saysErrol.There are timeswhen one of themfeelsparticularlystronglyandtheothergoesalongwiththeidea.Theydisagree,butthereisnodoubtthatthesetwogetpastthefrictionof

theirnaturaldisappointments.Theyacceptthealienandthathelpsthemgetthingsdone.

WhyAcceptingtheAlienMattersCommunicationissuchaloadedword.Thedictionarydefinitionisvanilla:the

exchange of information between two people. Butwe all know that exchangecan carrymisunderstanding, friction, and annoyance.When introvert/extrovertpartnerships are rocky, the conflict usually reflects a breakdown in thisexchange. Sometimes the person sitting across from youwith all those weird

interpretationsofwhattheclientsaidcanfeelasalientoyouassomethingthatcrawledoutofaspaceship.Whenthathappens,stifletheimpulsetofleeorgrabaweapon.Geniusbeckons.

Indescribingthoseinevitabletimes,introvert/extrovertpartnerswillsay,“It is too much work to figure him/her out.” Or they will avoid theiropposite, leadingtoapileofunattendedhurts,disconnects,andconfusionthataredifficulttocomebackfrom.Successfulintrovert/extrovertoppositesmakethedecisiontoaccepteach

otherandnotletcommunicationdifferencesimpedetheirultimateoutcome:to make a great product, deliver the best service possible, and achievebreakthroughs.There are two key reasons why accepting the alien matters: it builds

empathyandmakesthepartnershipstronger.

AcceptanceBuildsEmpathyinEachPartnerMaybeyouhaveparticipated ina“blindwalk”exercisedesigned toawaken

understanding for the visually impaired. I recall being led blindfolded down awooded trail. I reliedonmypartner John’severy step, afraid Iwould stumbleand fallwithouthisguidance. I alsonoticedhowmyother senseskicked in—smell,hearing,andtouchreadytohelpguidemealong.

Afterthatexperience,Ihadaglimmerofawarenessofwhatitmightbelike to experience blindness. I also realized the opportunities to awakenotherpartsofmybraineventhoughIcouldnevertrulyknowwhatitisliketofullyinhabitablindperson’sexperience.Itisthesamewithintrovert/extrovertrelationships.Whenweworkwith

ouropposite,wehavegreatopportunitiestoappreciateanotherview,eventhoughwedon’tunderstandeverythingtheylivethrough.Butbysteppingintotheirworld,wealsoawakenpartsofourselvesthathavelaindormant,allowing us to throttle up our performance. Suddenly, the person doesn’tseemlikeanalienafterall.

ThePartnershipBecomesStrongerThrough the process of working closely together, opposites can become a

strongerunitovertime.Whentheyfacesuccessesandfailures,bothhavegrowntogether,not just individually.Anexponentialpower forms tohelp themmeetthenextchallenge,thenextopportunity.

Whenwegrapplewith toughproblemsanddecisions together,notonlydowe learnmore about how tomove forward as a team, but alsomore

opportunitiestobecreativeemerge.Intheentertainmentbusiness,rejectionanddisappointmentsareasdaily

as coffee and bagels. Referring to his 1971 musical Follies collaboratorJamesGoldman, Stephen Sondheim observed, “One of the advantages ofhavingacollaboratoristhatyouareneverslammedinthefacealone.Youarealwaysintheboatwithsomebody.”7

Good communication with your partner allows you to collaborate—tograb the best from both of you. Anthony, mentioned earlier, is a formermusician and likened his friendshipwith Errol as a kind of harmony, anarrangementofdifferentnotes thatcometogether tocreatesomethingthatcannotbeachievedbyonenote.“Onenotewouldbeunison,notharmony,”hesaid.Another creative pair, composer JohnWilliams and filmmaker Steven

Spielberg, have been collaborating on Oscar-winning films likeE.T. andSavingPrivateRyanformorethanfourdecades.Ina2014interview,theyappear very at easewith each other, and their conversation flows as theydescribeworkingtogether.8

Williamsappearsthemoreintrovertedofthetwo;hespeaksinmeasuredtones,while the extroverted Spielberg takes upmore airtime tomake hispoints.Theyeachpointtotheeaseofcollaborationastimegoeson.“AsIgetbetter,Iknowhowtousehimbetter,”Spielbergexplains.AsistrueforErrol and Anthony, JohnWilliams describes the dynamic of fun in theirpartnership.HecantellbySpielberg’seyesandfacialexpressionwhetherhe“hasit”ornot.“EvenwhenIdon’thaveit,wearehavingfunanyway.”Insteadofgettingirritated,partnersinallfieldslearntoreadeachother’s

nonverbalsignalsovertimejustlikeSpielbergandWilliamsdo.Thesecuesbecomegatewaystogaindeeperunderstandingofthealien’spointofview,allowinghimorhertomovebackandforthwithrelativeease.

HowAcceptingtheAlienCanBreakDown

NotRealizingThatYourStrengthsAreMyWeaknessesNot stopping to consider differences in personality can cause problems.My

youngerdaughter,JessieKahnweiler,isanLA-basedfilmmakerwhohashadtheopportunitytoworkwithmanyintrovertedprosonherfilmcrews.Onacomplexvideo shoot she hired Liam, an experienced and highly regarded introverteddirectorofphotography.Astheywerescopingouttheshots,extrovertedJessie

spilledoverwithideasandcouldbarelycontainherenthusiasm.ShesensedthatLiamwasnotsharingtheexcitementshehadhopedhewould.Jessiewouldtexthimideasforlocations,andhewouldrespondwithshort,tersereplies.

On the day of the shoot, Liam appeared with a large notebook ofcarefully thought-out shots that incorporated many of the ideas she hadbeen pitching him. Jessie realized that Liam was listening and engagingwithherallalong;justquietlyandinhisspace.Heactuallyhadadeeploveand understanding of the project but was approaching it in his internallyfocused,methodicalway. “Liam’s strengthsweremyweaknesses,” Jessieshared.“Heisaplannerandneededtimetosortthingsoutinhishead.Thatis exactlywhatwas needed. I think introverts have a confidence becausethey trust their minds so much. They spend a great deal of time alonethinkingaboutthingsandprocessing.HeisnotgoingtochangeandneitheramI.Godknows,weonlyneedoneofme!”Ithappens;eventhemostacceptingpartnerslosetheirpatienceattimes.

Theculpritbehindit?Usuallystress.Stress can be a good thing; it can energize us and get us moving.

However,wecanreactinwaysthatarenotproductiveforthepartnershiporultimatelyourselves.Hereareafewwaysstressunderminesacceptingthealieninanintrovert/extrovertpair.

IntrovertsShutDown,ExtrovertsTalkMoreWhen stress happens, we often go into overdrive on our personality

characteristics. Introverts shut down and extroverts talk more. This createstensionastheintrovertisthinking,Won’tsheevershutup?andtheextrovertisthinking,Whatisgoingoninherhead?!

Errol and Anthony, the Australian partners, had one of their few bigdisagreements over a request from Errol to add a color to a design thatAnthony and his team had been working on for a while. IntrovertedAnthonyrespondedbyshuttingdownandactuallynotspeakingtoErrolforaday.“Iwasprettyriledbyitall.Nothingelsewassaidfortherestoftheworkday.”TheyclarifiedthatwhatErrolhadmeantwasthathewantedtoseethecolorinthedesign,notthatitactuallyhadtochange.Theyrestartedtheircommunicationandallwasgoodagain.Whenoppositesdon’tdothat,however, thesemisfireskeephappening, leading topotentially irreparableexplosions.

OutsideStressCanAlsoTakeaToll

The 2008 recession was a turning point for Han, an introverted Koreanconsultant, and his extroverted Chinese partner, Mei. They co-owned a riskmanagement/consultingfirmandhadbeendoingverywellasapartnershipandcompanyuntiltherecession.

“Meiwas a natural saleswoman, but unfortunatelymade promises thatwecouldn’tdeliveron.Herenthusiasmandstrongclientrelationshipswereassetsandoverrodemyconcerns.That is,until theconsultinggigsstarteddropping.Wewerenotdeliveringonourpromises,andourservicestartedtoslip.Thiswasunacceptabletome.Meiwasnotinterestedinscalingbackthe business, and we parted ways. It was definitely the stress of therecessionthatmadethedifference.Ithinkwewouldstillbetogetherifourvalueshadnotbeentestedinthatway.”Hanhadjustpurchasedanewhouseandhadmortgagepaymentsonhis

mind.Meiwasthesolebreadwinnerforherfamilyandalsofeltalotridingonhershoulders.Theseeconomicpressureshadasignificantimpactontheduo. In other cases, problemswith children, spouses, parents, and friendsare all factors that can significantly complicate the communication flowbetweenopposites.These outside stressful events like a department move or a change in

managerscanbringoutourfearsandlowerourtolerancelevels.Introvertsbecome more internally focused. Extroverts go into high-energy mode.Clashes occurmore frequently.And thesemoments also provide the truetestofwhetherapartnershipwillsurvive.Severalyearsago,mytwenty-somethingdaughter,Lindsey,anextrovert,

wasdescribingherrelationshipwithherintrovertedboyfriend,Adam,nowherhusband.“Mom,”shesaid,“weneverhavehadafight.” Ismiledand(uncharacteristically)didn’tsaymuchexcept,“Really?”ThentheymovedintoasmallapartmentinWashington,DC.Igavehera

call the firstweek to check in. “Guesswhat,Mom,we have had severalarguments thisweek!Andover little things likewhere toput thecouch!”Thereisnothingliketheoutsidestressofamoveorcloselivingquarterstobringoutourirritationsandlowerourtolerancelevels.

Solutions:KeepFocusedonResultsThereare several stepsyoucan take tokeepyour eyeon theoutcomesyou

wanttoachievetogetherandthegeniusinyourpartnership.

LearnAboutPersonalityStyles

Learnaboutyourownstyleandyourpartner’s.Takeapersonalityinstrumentor an interpersonal skills class so that you can learn what you bring to thepartnership. Keep aware of when problems are your issues and not yourpartner’s. The breakthrough comes when you learn that your partner is notintendingtomakeyoucrazy,butisjustwireddifferently.Withthatknowledgecomesgreatrelief,andbestofall,muchlessjudgment.

Table3.1Introvert/ExtrovertDifferencesIntroverts ExtrovertsEnergizeinquiettime EnergizewithotherpeopleThinkabouttheirideas TalkouttheirideasFocusondepth FocusonbreadthGettoknowsomeoneandthenshare

privateinfoReadilyshareprivate

informationThriveinone-on-oneconversations Getenergyfromlarger

groups

LearntoSpeakTheirLanguageYoucanbuildonthatself-awareness.Knowingthatyourintrovertcravestime

to thinkquietly,or thatyour extrovert isdying to thinkaloud, is an importantclueforflexingoradjustingyourbehavior.Youwillfindthattakingawalkontheothersidewillhelpyourowngrowth.

OneofthefirstmembersofintrovertedAmazonCEOJeffBezos’steam,Jeff Holden, was known as a “fast talker.” In Brad Stone’s book TheEverythingStore,Stonewrites,“[Holden]spokesorapidlythatBezoslikedto joke thatHolden ‘taughtme to listen faster.’ ”9Holdenhad a personalrelationship with Bezos and was a “versatile innovator” who contributedgreatlytothegrowthofAmazon.HisimpactwentbeyondbusinessresultstopositivelyinfluenceCEOBezos’scommunicationskills.JustasHoldenimpactedBezos’slisteningacumen,youwillfindyourself

being influenced by the opposites around you. You may find yourselfhavingexperiences like thoseof introvertedbusinesspartnerArlene,whoforcedherselftoattendaprofessionalmeetingandactuallylearnedtocomeoutofhershell,orofTamikatheextrovertwhosaid,“IamanEworkingon being quiet. I shut up in meetings, and when I speak I really havesomethingtosay!”

Over time, if extroverts can take the time to let introverts revealthemselves, introverts open up. And if introverts are patient with theongoingoutpouringsofextroverts,theymayfindthemselvescatchingsomeofthatebullience.

AcceptthatYouCan’tChangeThemTheSerenityPrayerapplieshere:“GrantmetheserenitytoacceptthethingsI

cannotchange,thecouragetochangethethingsIcan,andthewisdomtoknowthedifference.”Youwillneverchangeanotherperson,norshouldyou.Yetthestubborn nature of two strong-willed people can cause one to wish the otherwouldthinkfasterortalkless.Ironically,themoreyoulayofftryingtochangethem,thelessitwillbotheryou.Onceyouletgoofthisfalsehopeofmoldingthemtoyourdesiredimage,everyonecanrelaxandlifegetsaloteasier.

This quote by David Kiersey from his book, Please Understand Me,makesthepointanotherway:

IfIdonotwantwhatyouwant,pleasetrynottotellmethatmywantiswrong.OrifIbelieveotherthanyou,atleastpausebeforeyoucorrect

myview.Or ifmyemotion is less thanyours,ormore,given the same

circumstances,trynottoaskmetofeelmorestronglyorweakly.OryetifIact,orfailtoact,inthemannerofyourdesignfor

action,letmebe.I do not, for themoment at least, ask you to understandme.

Thatwillcomeonlywhenyouarewillingtogiveupchangingmeintoacopyofyou.10

RemovetheElephantfromtheRoomTalking about your differences gives them legitimacy. This is particularly

importantinthebeginningofyourworktogether,butholdstruethroughouttherelationship.

OnenewteammemberinaSingaporeanimportcompanyfoundherselfin a seaof extroverts.Shemade a preemptivemovewithher extrovertedteammatebyexplainingthatwhenherdoorwasclosed,itmeantsheneededquiet time. It did not mean that she was angry or frustrated with them.Knowing this took away themystery of the closed door and allowed theextrovertstorelax.

WorkonAdaptingOneSmallThingataTimeAsanextrovert,seehowitworkswhenyoudecidetodimthelightstoreduce

the external stimulation. Or what happens when, as an introvert, youintentionallypracticeeyecontactforafewminuteslongerthanusualinordertoconnectwithyouropposite.Observe the reaction inyourpartner.Youmaybesurprisedatthepositiveimpacteventhissmallmovecanmake.

Inaddition toconnectingmoreeffectivelywithyouropposite,youwillfind that this deliberate stretchingdevelops a previouslyuntapped sideofyourself.Youwillhavearicherarrayoftoolstodrawfromwhendealingwithyourcurrentoppositeandfuturepartners.

CreateaShorthandforCommunicatingCreate a code, away to stop the actionwhen you are off course. Extrovert

MarkHouseand introvertMaureenBlackwell teachatuniversitiesandconsulttogether.Theywillturntoeachotherinpersonoronthephoneandsay,“Wearemissingeachother”whenevertheirdialogueisbreakingdown.

They also have a helpful phrase that Mark started using and nowMaureen has adopted. When they are talking and one of them goes offtopic,onewillsay,“Letmegoonatangent,”signalingtheconversationalsidebar. It allows the listener to follow the flow of the speaker’s wordsmore easily. The listener can go with the flow and not worry aboutfollowing ideas that aren’t fully formed. Initiated by the moreextemporaneous talker partnerMark, they both find it amusing that nowMaureenisusingitasatoolintheirfree-flowingdialogues.

GiveItTimeIntrovert/extrovert opposite partners often have tremendous appreciation for

what theiroppositebrings to theworkrelationship,and that respecthasgrownovertime.

As you will see in Chapter 6, “Destroy the Dislike,” one pair ofconsultants, BillieAlban andBarbaraBunker, have become dear friends.Theytravelallovertheworldtogetherandhavelearnedtoappreciatetheirindividual qualities over more than three decades. Barbara, the introvert,recently realized that she hadn’t brought a book on the planewith her inyears because in earlier daysBilliewould talk her ear off throughout theflightwhileshewastryingtoread.Therewasanaffectionateandacceptingtoneinhervoiceasshedescribedthisscene.

MeetRegularlyandTalkSuccessful introvert/extrovert partners give each other updates and honest

feedbackregularlyabouthowthingsaregoing.Theyaddressproblemsquicklyanddon’tletthemfester.OneintrovertedCEOrarelycomesintotheoffice,buthisextrovertedsecond-in-commandknowshecanalwaysreachhimlateatnightonemailtogetaquickresponse.Theyalsohavequickchatswheneverneeded,and to the rest of staff these two appear to be in synch. Figuring out whatmethodswork for both of them is key, and they revisit that key from time totime.

Summary:RespecttheWiringBecause extroverts and introverts arewired so differently,working together

gives these oppositesmany chances to disagree or even reject each other.Yetlearning to accept the alien in each other opens up more than a significantlyenrichedrelationship:morecreativeopportunitiespresentthemselvestothepairwhodoes thehardworkofacceptance.Discipliningyourself to learnhowandwhy your opposite sees the world differently is work, but the work carriesrewards that far outweigh your investment. Youwill feel almost as if you’velearnedtospeakanotherlanguage,andinrelationshipterms,youwillhavedonejustthat.

QuestionstoConsider1. In what situations can you watch for your opposite’s nonverbalsignals?2.Howwillyouremembertotakeadeepbreaththenexttimeyouarelosingpatiencewithyouropposite?3.Whatcanyoudototakeatime-outwhenyouarefacingastressfulsituation?4.Whatshorthandsignalorphrasecanyoudevelopwithyouroppositewhenyouare“missingeachother”?5.Haveyouacceptedthatyoucannotchangeyouropposite?Howwillthisbeliefhelpyouinworkingwiththem?

Chapter4

BringontheBattles

“Weoftenhateeachother,butit’sthekindofhatredthat’slikeflint and steel—the sparks that come out make it worth thewhile.”11

—PennJilletteonhislong-timepartnerinmagic,Teller

BringontheBattles—seedisagreementasnecessarytoarriveatbetteroutcomesbecauseyouchallengeeachothertocomeupwithbetter

solutionstogetherthanyouwouldalone.

Backin1956,Dr.AliceMaryStewart,aphysicianandepidemiologist,cameoutwithashockingarticlepublishedbytheBritishmedicaljournalTheLancet.

HerarticleciteddatashowingthattheX-raystakenofpregnantmothersactuallycausedchildhoodcancer.Sadly,themedicalestablishmentdidnotimmediatelyactuponher findings. Instead, it took twenty-fiveyears fordoctors to stopX-rayingpregnantwomen.

Through those years, she worked closely with George Kneale, astatisticianwhowasinstrumentaltohersuccess.Hehelpedhertofuelherdeterminationandpersistence,leadingtotheeventualendingofatragicallyharmfulmedicalpractice.In her TED Talk, Dare to Disagree,12 management thinker Margaret

Heffernan said, “So for twenty-five years, Alice Stewart had a very bigfightonherhands.Sohowdidsheknowthatshewasright?GeorgeKnealewasprettymucheverythingthatAlicewasn’t.Alicewasveryoutgoingandsociable,andGeorgewasa recluse.Alicewasverywarmandempatheticwithherpatients.Georgefranklypreferrednumberstopeople.Buthesaidthisfantasticthingabouttheirworkingrelationship:“MyjobistoproveDr.Stewart wrong.” He actively sought disconfirmation. He used differentwaysoflookingathermodels,atherstatistics,differentwaysofcrunchingthedatainordertodisproveher.Hesawhisjobascreatingconflictaroundher theories. By creating pushback, George sharpened her thinking andmadehertheorymoreconvincing.Successful opposites use their differences to challenge each other’s

conventional thinking and blast apart their assumptions. Like oppositesAliceandGeorge,theybringonthebattles,andtheworldbenefitsfromtheresultsoftheirgenius.

WhyBringingontheBattlesMatters

It’sBestfortheOrganizationIntrovertsandextrovertswhoworkwelltogetherarefortunate.Theycanpull

out thebest thinking fromeachother, likeblending twobrains intoone.Theypush toward each other, pull away from each other, and eventually reach aresolution that incorporatesdifferentviews.ExtrovertBetsyPolkand introvertMaggieEllisChotas are authors ofPowerThroughPartnership:HowWomenLeadBetterTogether.Theywriteaboutthevalueofdealingwiththeirconflictshead-on.“We’vecometorealizethateveninthetoughesttugofwarswewantwhatisbestforMulberry[theirfirm]andeachother.”13

YouReachaBetterSolution

Successful opposites learn to dance with each other by playing to eachpreference when facing potential conflict. Introverted Ricardo and hisextroverted business partner Jose described a recent conflict aboutwhether toaddanassessmenttooltotheironlinebusiness’sofferings.Theyhadruntheideafortheservicebytheirprimeclient,whoexpressedinterestinlearningmore.

Josehadalotofideasabouthowthistoolcouldworkandwasenergizedbythepossibilities.Allhewantedtodowastalkaboutit.Ricardo,typicallythemore cautious of the two, wasn’t sure they could deliver the servicewiththestatedcustomerrequirements.Bothmencouldfeelthetemperaturerisingastheygavevoicetotheirdifferingviews.Theyeachapproachedthenextstepsusingtheirstrengths.Joseknewthat

moretalkwouldoverwhelmRicardo,whowasmullingovertheplan,sohegrabbed another colleague, a “talking partner,” to give voice to his ideasandpopout solutions.Ricardo, on the other hand,went to hiswork areaaloneforafewdaysandmappedouttheprocess,includingatimetableandpotential risks. Though Jose was ready to pull the trigger and Ricardoneeded more time, they avoided a blow-up and emerged with a terrificsolution.Theclientsignedoffonthenewservice.Bybringingonthebattleinawaythatcateredtotheiroppositestyles,thisteamdrewaclearwin.

DisagreementsCanBePathstoYourOutcomeSuccessfuloppositesacceptthatdecisionscomewithconflictandthatconflict

isnormal,natural,andnecessary.Theyknowthatdisagreementsopenthepathto an outcome.When youwalk through business problems together, it isn’t alinearprocess.Youmaygetstuckononedisagreement forawhilebeforeyoucanmoveon.Successfuloppositesgetthat.

Evenlong-timebestworkbuddieslikeRickyWoolverton,anextrovertedinsidesalesmanager,andLizBraden,anintrovertedtrainingdirector,havedisagreements. Back when they started working together, the companypresidentmatchedthemuphopingtobalanceouttheirpersonalities.Anditworkeduntilonetime.“IwassupervisingRicky,andIwasforcedtorunatightship.Hethoughtitwasokaytotakeasalesmantotheairportwhenhewassupposedtobeonthephonesanddecidedtoignoremydirection.”Asanextrovert,Rickytookactionwithoutmullingitover,andasanintrovertLizkeptherfeelingsinside.“Weweremadateachotherforaweek.”Talkingaboutthesituationafteritoccurredallowedthembothtomove

onandbemoreproductive.Theircommunicationhasvastlyimprovedsincethen.LizhaslearnedfromRickyandthroughinterpersonalskillstrainingto

seethenecessityofconflict.Sheislessafraidofit.“Now,Itakethatextraminuteandaskmyself,‘Whereisthatpersoncomingfrom?’”shesaid.ExtrovertedRickyagreed to speak in lower tonesandactually listen to

whatLizisrequestingofhim.Itcontinuestoworkwellasawaytomanagetheirdisagreements.

HowBringingontheBattlesBreaksDown

SeeingOnePartnerasMoreImportantFormerautoexecutiveRobertLutzdescribedhisworkwithoppositeRobert

Eaton, CEO of Chrysler from 1993 to 1998, in the language of an extrovertdescribing an introvert. Lutz wrote, “A gentle leader ofmodest charisma andcommand presence…Bob [Eaton]was experienced, polite, well-spoken, andknew the business. He showed the mature, calm confidence and self-assuredmanner thathadbeenhoned indecadesof facingupwardand lookinggoodatGM.We (Lutz and Eaton) had a good sharing of responsibilities.”14 Togethertheymadeagreatdealofmoneyforthecompany.

ThenextchapterinChrysler’shistorywasverydifferent.Benz-Daimlerand Chrysler combined the firms in 1998, and a new CEO, JurgenSchrempp,cameonboard.LutzwrotethatSchrempp“wasatallmanwithapowerful,commandingphysiqueandastentorianvoice…abrashgiant.”Itwasapparentthatthisnewleadersawhimselfasmoreimportant.“Itwasprettyclearthatthiswasnotgoingtobeajointlyruncompany.”

Lutz watched these opposites have problems from the start, ending withEaton’sdeparture. In summingup thatunfortunatechapter,Lutz said thatEaton“ranagreatcompany…andcreatedenormouswealthforChrysler’sshareholders,”but“BobEatonhadhisreputationunfairlytarnished.”Extrovert Lutz valued introvert Eaton’s quiet contributions and the

opposites thrived,butEaton’snextpartnereithercouldn’torwouldn’tseehisintrovertedpartnerasanequal.

HidingYourConcernsKendraisanintrovertedlawyerandwasanewmomworkingonabigcase.

HerextrovertedbusinesspartnerCarolyn’spatiencewasbeingtested.Kendra’sbreastfeeding breaks, hormone rollercoaster rides, and leaving work early toarrive at the daycare center before closing were becoming the norm. CarolynoftenfoundherselfpickingupthepiecesfromKendra’stasksandclockingupto

twoadditionallatenightsaweek.Carolynexpressedfrustrationabouttheclients’increasingdemandsand

startedtakingoutherangeronotherpeople in thefirm.Kendraknewshewasnotpullingherweightandfeltstressedandguiltyaboutherroleinthesituation. As an introvert, she internalized her concerns and kept themburied.Theproblemwasthatneitherofthembroughtuptheelephantintheroom—the workload imbalance. After they blew an important clientdeadline,Carolyn andKendramet one evening over a glass ofwine andended up talking for four hours, honestly airing their emotions andconcerns. They brainstormed solutions to the workload issues andeventuallycameupwithanagreementtheybothcouldlivewith.Acknowledgingthattheirgoalwastomeettheirclients’needs,theyput

togetherastrongcasetotheseniorpartnerfortemporaryhelp.Thissolutionmadeallthedifferenceandrepairedtheirstrainedrelationship.Under stress,weoftenactout inways that arenothelpful to resolving

conflict.Asanintrovert,Kendrainternalizedherfeelingsanddidnotbringuptheissuesbetweenthem,whileCarolynactedoutpassiveaggressively.Neitherapproachhelpedresolvetheconflicts,evenwhentheybothwantedtoreachthesameoutcome—toservetheclientinthebestwaypossible.

LosingSightofYourSharedVisionOne introvert/extrovert married couple I interviewed, Achir, an introverted

womanandIshar,anextrovertedman,arebusinessownersoriginallyfromIndia.TheybuiltaprintingbusinesstogetherinWashington,DC.Theyaremoderatelyprofitableandalwaysincorporatingnewtechnologyintothebusiness.Theyeachbeganworkingtogetherwiththehopeofbuildingabetterlifeandprovidingfortheirfamily.Althoughtheyareproudofwhattheyhaveaccomplished,theyhavebeenthroughalottogetthere.

Individually, they each told me about some of the stressors that tookthemawayfromtheirvisionofcreatingastrongfamilybusiness;onethatadapted to the changing printing industry. The pressure to keep up withtechnologywasamajorstressor.Achir described disagreements between them about new purchases for

the business. Ishar admitted that he sometimes plunged ahead withoutconsultinghisspouseonwhatheconsiderednecessaryinvestments.Asanintrovertandinfluencedbyherculturalinfluences(forexample,don’tbringupconflict),Achirkeptherfeelingsinsideandsaid,“Idon’twanttodwellonourdisagreements toomuch.”But theproblemwasherfeelingswould

pileup.These mutual hurts and misunderstandings moved them further from

theirsharedvisionofcreatingadynamicbusinessthatcouldsupport theirfamily. Itwould have helped them to bring the battle to each other.Onecan’thelpwonderhowdirectlydealingwiththeirfrustrationsandconflictsmight have opened up even greater possibilities for strategic growth andpersonalsatisfactionfromtheirbusiness.

Solutions:ToHelpYouBringontheBattle

RememberEnergyDifferencesAccept that your partner’s introverted energy may wane from too much

peopletimeworkingonconflictresolution,oryourextrovertedcolleague’sbuzzmight get her too hyped upwhen conflict emerges. Remember that introvertsneedtocarefullyconsiderideasintheirheadbeforespeaking,andextrovertsarereadytogetmovingalready.Alsoconsiderthatyourintrovertwillneedbreaksandyourextrovertwilldeflatewithtoomuchdowntime.

Tell’EmWhatYouNeedYoucan set the foundation for clear communicationwhenyoubringon the

battles.Letyourpartnerknowspecificallywhatyouneed.Self-described “raging extrovert” Lisa McLeod is a sales leadership

consultant and author. She and her introverted business partner andhusband,BobMcLeod,avoidflare-upsbystatingwhattheyrequireinthemoment. As Lisa puts it, “I am a verbal processor and I need to talk. IdependonBob formyenergy.”Sheunderstands thatwhen she is callingfromoutoftownandhedoesn’tanswerheisinhisintrovertedspace.AndwhenshedoesconnectwithBob,Lisaisveryclearaboutsaying,“Ineedahalf-hourtotalkaboutit.Isnowagoodtime?”Ifitisnot,he’llsay,“Notnow,”insteadof“No.”Shesays,“Iknowitisnotapersonalrejection,andwewillreconvenewhenheisbetterabletofocus.”

ManageCrisesTogetherWhentheinevitablecrisesoccur,putyourheadstogetherandfigureoutaway

through.Thatoftenmeansdrawingonthepartnerinthepairwhoisbettersuitedtomeettheproblemathand.

Table4.1HelpfulQuestionsforBringingontheBattle

WhentoAsk

WhattoAsk

Beforeaconflict

WhatisitIreallywant?DoIunderstandwhatmypartnerreallywants?HowinvestedamIintheoutcome?Howinvestedismypartner?

Duringaconflict

DoIallowmyintrovertedpartnertocommunicatewithmeinwritingandone-on-oneconversations?DoIallowmyextrovertedpartnertocommunicatewithmethroughtalkingthingsout?AmIlettingmyemotionshijackmyrationalthinking?AmIlettingmyrationalthinkinghijackmyemotions?Arewetakingtime-outsduringourdiscussionoftheproblem?Doesitmakesensetobringinanoutsidepersontohelpusresolvethedisagreement?Whomightthatbe?Doesitmakesensetoagreeonatrialsolutionfirst?Havewesetadatetoimplementthesolution?Whenwillwemeetagain?

Afteraconflict

Howisthesolutionworking?Whatshouldwetweak?Whathavewelearnedfromthisexperience?Whatshouldwedodifferentlythenexttimeaconflictarises?

Anthony, thecofounderof theAustralianonline trainingcompany,saidthatonetimetheywerestuckinthe“stuff”oftheproblemandnotdealingwith a client problem at a higher relationship level. This was clearly hisextrovertedpartnerErrol’sturf.Errolpickedupthephoneandarrangedtosee the client immediately. By taking full responsibility forwhere thingshadgonewrong,Erroldefused thesituationandgot the relationshipbackon track.The clientwent frombeingoneof thepair’smost troublesome,stressfulclientstobeingoneoftheirmostloyal.

BringinaThirdPartytoBreakThroughanImpasseWhenmyintrovertedspouse,Bill,andIwerewritingourfirstbooktogether,

wereachedoneofseveral impasses:managingthe timeline. In typical fashion,Bill was way ahead of me on his section of the manuscript. After severalunproductive conversations, we decided to call our editor in Cambridge,England. IcanhearAilsa’scalmingvoicenowas shegentlysuggested toBillthat he relax and I “get moving.” Turning to an objective outsider helped usbreak the tension and start communicatingmore civilly again.We finishedontime,thoughnotwithoutafewmoreimpassesandcallstoEngland.TurningtoAilsawasastrategicmoveforus.Ittookathirdpartytohelpusgetunstuckandseeawayforward.

TakeaTime-OutMichael, an extroverted salesperson,was getting little visible reaction from

hissalesteampartner,Derrick.Hekickeditintohighgeartotryevenhardertoconvince Derrick why they needed to purchase more product to sell.Unfortunately, Michael’s “passionate entreaties” had the opposite effect, andDerrickwalkedawayfromthediscussion.

WhenMichaeldialeddownhisbehaviorbytakingabreathandlisteningtoDerrick’sconcerns,hecouldaddressthemonebyone,andthepartnershadarationalproblem-solvingsession.Youmaybetogetheragreatdealinthebeginningofyourpartnershipor

atcriticalpointsthroughout.Buttoomuchtimetogethermeansyoucangetlost intheduoandloseyoursenseofselfaswellasyouruniquepointofview.You can also definitely get tired of each other.Ask any retired couple

who find themselves together allday!Sometimes takinga time-out is thebestworkaroundtohelpyouregroupandreconvene,readytoengagewithaclearheadandheart.AsmentionedinthechapteronAcceptingtheAlien,duringconflictand

stressweexaggerateour strengths.For instance, it isnatural to talkmoreoften and louder as an extrovert or retreat into yourself as an introvert.Resist the tendencytoamplifyyournatural traits.Takeafewmoments tostop and think. Even a fewminutes of quietwill help you consider yournextstep.And,bytheway…itmaybetodonothing!

WalkandTalkConsider moving your conversation outside the doors of your office. This

strategy serves the needs of both extroverts and introverts. Why? Extrovertsthink aloud, and talking out their ideaswhilewalking aroundhelps themgain

clarity about their positions. They can also ask questions of their partnerswithout seeming like a prosecuting attorney with the introvert on the witnessstand.Introvertswillrespondtotherelaxedpace.Theyalsowillconserveenergyby not having to concentrate on making eye contact and other in-your-facelisteningbehaviors.

Whenyouletthejuicesflowbygettingupandmoving,newideasspringupandyouwillseesolutionstogether.Thoughtleaderandaproponentofthesewalkingmeetings,NiloferMerchant,writes,“Afterafewhundredofthesemeetings,I’vestartednoticingsomeunanticipatedsidebenefits….Ican actually listen betterwhen I amwalking next to someone thanwhenI’macrossfromtheminsomecoffeeshop.There’ssomethingaboutbeingside-by-sidethatputstheproblemorideasbeforeus,andusworkingonittogether.”15

Summary:BringingontheBattlesCanPreemptaWarIn the hands of committed opposites, bringing on the battles can lead to

original solutions and breakthroughs that benefit opposites and their clients.Conflict-facing skills include honoring what energizes each partner, talkingaboutwhateachofyouneeds,dealingwithcrisestogether,andturningtoathirdpartywhennecessary. It alsomeans taking a time-out, and even talking abouttheconflictwhilewalkingbesideeachotherratherthanwhenfacingeachother.Themorehighstakesthesituation,themoreimportantitisforoppositestobringonthebattlesasanoutcome-focusedteam.

QuestionstoConsider1. How do you take opportunities to challenge your opposite’sthinking?2.Inwhatwaysdoyouuseyourindividualstrengthstohandlecrises?3. Do you consider your partner’s introvert or extrovert preferenceswhenapproachinghimorherwithsensitiveinformation?4.Whatarethewaysinwhichyoucarveoutregulartalktime?5.Whencanyoubringinathirdpartytoresolveconflict?

Chapter5

CasttheCharacter

“If I irritated him by a certain methodical slowness in mymentality, that irritation servedonly tomakehisown flame-likeintuitionsandimpressionsflashupmorevividlyandswiftly.Suchwasmyhumbleroleinouralliance.”

—Watson,speakingofSherlockHolmes16

CasttheCharacter:Knoweachperson’sroleinascenarioandcastthemsothatyoubringoutyouropposite’sbest.Oppositessharethecreditnomatter

whatroletheytake.

Oneof the largestInternetcompanies in theworld,Alibaba,hasbeencalled

theequivalentofPayPal,Amazon,andeBayallrolledintoone.Itsfounderandformer CEO, Jack Ma, is the heart and soul of the company. It hasn’t beenunusualforthisextroverttodressupincostumeandsingsongsfromTheLionKingtoAlibaba’smorethansixteenthousandemployees.

In2013,MaturnedtheCEO’sreinsovertohistrustedpartner,JonathonLu,whoisdescribedasMa’s“corporatealter-ego.”Luisusedtooperatingbehind the scenes. Lu said, “We complement each other very well. Helooksforwardandoutsideofthebox;Ifocusonthepresent.”17

WhenLuwasmanaging theSouthChinasales regionforAlibaba.com,hedroveMaaroundtomeetcustomersacrossGuangdong.Ontheserides,Luofferedhisideasabouthowtofine-tunesalesincentives.“Itwasatimeforustoreallygettoknoweachother—himtalkingandmelistening,himsleepingandmedriving.”Andwiththecharacteristicgoodhumorofgeniusopposites,Lusaid,“Ninetypercentofthetime,itishimtalking.ThenIsayyes.”Though he has stepped down, Ma is still very much involved as the

executivechairandpublicfaceofAlibaba,inadditiontobeingtherichestmaninChina.MamadethehandofftoLubecauseheknewthatLucouldleadthecompanyforward,buildingonhisuniquestrengths.Let’slookatwhygeniusoppositeslikethesetwosucceedwhentheycast

therightcharacter.

WhyCastingtheCharactersMatters

OppositesCanStepIntoTheirStrengthsMagic happenswhen opposites tap into their strengths to play their natural

roles. For instance, many opposites will use this style difference to theiradvantage by leveraging the easy-flowing conversation of the extrovert withcertaincustomers,andnotthrustingintrovertsintothoseawkwardsituations.

Thisistruefortwenty-five-yearveteranpartnersintrovertedShyamandextroverted Veer, who gravitate to their natural strengths. Shyam, chieftechnologyofficerofan information technologycompany,easily interactswithhis long-timegovernmentclients,butwhen itcomes tomeetingnewpeople, he is much less at ease. He turns over the meet-and-greetinteractions toVeer, theCEO,who thrives in theseextroverted scenarios.By tag-teaming the sales responsibilities in this way, they are able tocontinuetodriverevenuesfortheirfirm.Conversely,sometimescastingtherightcharactermeanstryingonyour

opposite’sstrengthsinordertogetthejobdone.AuthorofGiveandTake,AdamGrant researched the success factors of salespeople and found thatmany of them exhibited what he called “ambivert” traits; they exhibitedbothintrovertandextroverttraits.Grantbelievesthatorganizationsbenefit“from traininghighlyextrovertedsalespeople tomodel someof thequiet,reserved tendencies of their more introverted peers.”18 Extending theirranges does not diminish either the introvert’s or the extrovert’s naturalstrengths,butitcanservetheirsharedpurposeextremelywell.

HavingaStraightMan/WomanWorksforOppositesMany opposites build on introvert and extrovert differences by casting the

introvertas the“straightman.”The“out-there”person is theextrovert.AuthorJoshuaWolfShenkcallsthesestraightmen“offstagepartners.”ThecharismaticMartin Luther King Jr., described the lower-key Ralph Abernathy Jr., as his“sidekickandwarmup.”19Abernathywouldwarmupthecrowd,givethecrowdthefactsontheground,androusethemtofight.Dr.Kingwouldfollowhimandthengivehissermon.

The late comicGeorgeBurnsandhiswife,GracieAllen,wereanotherperfectexampleofthisdynamic.Sheactedthe“out-there,”ditzywife,andhe was the calm husband. In describing them, author Roger Rosenblattwrote,“Theessenceofthestraightmanisthathegives.Hegivesthebestlines,thestageandthespotlight.Bygiving,hecreatestheshow….”20Theyappeared togetherbecause themutuallycomplementaryroles linked them.Theiroutcomedependedoneachoneplayingasetrole.21

TheRightCastingLeadstoUnexpectedPositiveOutcomesPlayingyournatural rolemay lead topositive results thatyoudidn’t intend.

Twenty-something introvert Charlotte Ashlock, digital producer and editor atpublishingcompanyBerrett-Koehler, reflectsonahighschoolexperiencewithherfriendBetsythatillustratesthiswell.

“BetsyandIwerebothmembersofourschool’sDestinationImaginationteam, a club that did competitive improvisation and problem solving.During team meetings, I wanted to be very focused on practicing andpreparingfor theupcomingcompetition.Betsywasmorewillingtospendthe time relaxing and socializing during meetings. I sometimes thought,Whydoesn’tanyoneelsecareaboutworking?andfeltfrustrated.MyfearswererealizedwhenourteamarrivedatthecompetitionlesspreparedthanIwantedustobe.

“Minutesbeforegoingonstage,allofuswerefullofpanic.ThenBetsygrabbedoneofourprops,afakeheadoflettuce,andannouncedinagrand,triumphant,andvaguelysillymanner,‘Solongaswehavethelettuce,wecannotfail!’Weburstoutlaughing,shouted,‘THELETTUCE!’andwentontothestagepreparedtohavefun.Ourteamdidn’twin(infact,wewereinthebottom20percent),butIhadanunbelievableamountoffunandfeltvery bonded with my teammates. I also realized that Betsy’s values oflaughterandteamspiritwerejustasimportantasmyvaluesofhardworkandseriousness.”In Charlotte’s story, the positive impact on the team outweighed any

frustrations she might have felt. By letting Betsy be Betsy, the teamconnectedandwentontowinseveralregionalchampionships.

HowCastingtheCharacterBreaksDown

RolesAreUnclearorUnfairAhumorousexampleofthiscanbeseeninaparticularILoveLucyepisode,a

1950scomedytelevisionshowinwhichtwostarringcouples,theRicardosandtheMertzes,decidetobuyadinertogether.Theydecidethat“onecouplehastheknow-howandonehasthename.”22Unfortunately,thisresultsinFredandEthel,thecouplewiththeknow-how,doingallthework!Theyareinthebackcookinghamburgers while Lucy and Ricky Ricardo aremeeting and greeting patrons.Feeling resentful, Fred andEthelwalk out, leavingRicky andLucy to handleeverything.Thatdoesn’twork,obviously.

Astheepisodeunravels,theyevenendupsplittingtherestaurantinhalf,fighting for the one inebriated customerwhowanders into the restaurant.Noneofthesolutionstheytryiseffective.Perhaps thisepisode isabitofanexaggeration,butnotclarifyingwho

does what can lead to other problems as well. Stephanie, the introvertedvideoproduceryouwillmeetlater,describedadisconnectwithherpartner,Jane, in thisway: “At first Jane and Iwere both doing each stage of theprocess: call the inquiry,write thequote, and followup.Withbothof usdoing each stage of the sales process, it was very difficult to know thewholepicture.Welosttrackofwhofollowedupwithwhomandwhen….”Itcausedthemtolosebusinessandpotentialincome.

OnePersonTakesAlltheCredit

DarylHallandJohnOates(calledHallandOates)arewell-knownmusicianswhohaveplayedtogetherformorethanforty-fiveyears.Theyhaveneverhadapublicrift.JohnisseenastheintrovertedsidemantotheextrovertedDarylHall,eventhoughheplaysapivotalroleintheduo’ssuccess.

When asked how he feels about being seen as the sideman, theintrovertedOatessaid,“Iamokaywith itbecauseIdon’t thinkofmyselfthatway.Otherpeoplemay,theworldmay,butthat’sfine.IkindoflookatitinamoreZenway:youcan’thaveabeautifulsunsetwithoutahorizon.Daryl(Hall)isaveryin-your-facepersonwhenitcomestoperforming,andhe has a tremendous voice. The fact that his voice became the signaturesoundofHallandOatesisjustthewayitis.”23

Unfortunately, not all opposites are so gracious and accepting of suchcontrasting roles.AuthorAdamGrantdescribes thedevastating impactoftaking all the credit in telling the story of polio vaccine researcher JonasSalk. After the vaccine had been successfully disseminated, “a pressconferencewasheldwhereSalkgavenocredittothesixresearchersinhislabwhoweremajorcontributorstohisefforts todevelopthevaccine.Hismomentoftakingsolecredithauntedhimfortherestofhiscareer,”wroteGrant. “His colleagues rejectedhim,heneverwon aNobelPrize, andhewasneverelectedtotheprestigiousNationalAcademyofSciences.Peoplereallyheld it againsthim thathehadgrandstanded like that anddone themost uncollegial thing that you could imagine.”24 In this case theconsequencesweredamagingtoboththeteamandtoSalkhimself.

TraptheOtherinRigidExpectationsRashid,anintrovertedarchitect,workswithSari,anextroverteddesigner.He

has become used to her stopping by to describe her latest project idea. Theyoftenhaveagoodlaughtogether.Infact,hegetsakickoutofherchattydrop-ins.Heactuallywelcomesthesebreaksinhisroutine.

Oneday,however,hewasparticularlyengrossedinacomplexproblemandwas bent over his desk, headphones on. Sari flew in, describing herlatestpassion,andRashidlookedupwithadefinitivescowl.Aftertalkingforanotherminute,shepickeduponhismoodandangrilymarchedaway.Ittookafewdaysfortheicetothaw.Like Sari expecting Rashid never to deviate from being an attentive,

friendlylistener,weexpectourpartnerstoalwaysbehaveasweareusedtothem behaving. Because they are human, there are times when theywilldeviatefromtype.

Wecanletcustomerspigeonholeusbyseekingoutonepartnerovertheother, even when either is perfectly capable of handling a situation.Adelaide Lancaster and Amy Abrams are co-owners of a NYC-basedcompany. Adelaide is introverted and Amy is extroverted. Adelaideremarked, “People typecast us a lot. I would imagine it is a similarchallengetothatexperiencedbysiblingsandtwins.Ibecomeknownasthedetail/dataoneandAmyasthesocial/friendlyone.”25Oneperson’sgreaterstrengthisnotnecessarilysomethingthattheotherpersoncompletelylacks.

Solutions:YouCanCastCharactersandStillBeFlexible

GetYourOwnHouseinOrderFirstYourdifferences as extroverts and introverts are great enough that itmakes

sense to gain your own sense of self and what you have to offer beforeembarkingonarelationshipwithyouropposite.FamousicecreamentrepreneursBurtonBaskinandIrvineRobbinsbegantheirjointbusinessaftertheyeachhadrun successful businesses of their own.Only after theyhad individual successdidtheirpartnershipwork.26

You may need to enhance and fine-tune your skill set and get someexperience before embarking on a joint venture in your business ororganization.Thatway you enter the relationship knowingwhat role youcan play best and what contributions you are looking for from youropposite.

BeanAdvocateforYourOppositeExtroverted Brook, vice president and branch manager at a financial

institution, says that she constantly “throwsher employeeMonica curve balls,but shekeeps the steadypaceanddoesn’tmissabeat!”TheoutspokenBrooksees part of her role as speaking up to senior management about the strongresultsMonica achieves.ThoughBrookwould likeMonica tobemorevisibleandsingherownpraises,shedrawsonherownstrengthasatalkerandpromoterto play the advocate role. As an extrovert, you can use your tendency to beassertivetospeakupforotherswhoaremorereticentto“bragonthemselves.”

Introverts can advocate for their opposites aswell. Jose, an introvertedVPofoperationswithacalm temperament,played“damagecontrol”atacustomerpresentation.Severalextroverted sales teammemberswereveryexpressive and shared their strong enthusiasm about the rollout of a newproduct.Nicole,thecustomer,hadseveralquestionsabouthowtheproduct

would be integrated into her company’s existing process and was veryskeptical of the “rah rah attitude” shewashearing fromyet another salesteam.Shewasconcernedthat itwasall talkandthat therewouldbe littlefollow-upaction.RecognizingNicole’sconcern, Joseperformeddamagecontrol.Hemet

with her privately, conducted a quiet, focused conversation, and patientlyaddressed all of Nicole’s questions. By balancing the extroverts’ hyper-enthusiasm with his calm reassurance, he restored the team’s credibilitywiththecustomerandultimatelymadethesale.Asanintrovert,youcanuseyourstrengthsinlistening,observation,and

calm, reasoned conversation to temper reactions and avoidmisunderstandings,especiallywhenextrovertsreactinthemoment.

BreakOutofYourExpectedRoleOccasionallyWhenyoustepoutofcharacter,oruse traits thataren’tascomfortable,you

stretchandgrow.Your“oppositemuscle”willinevitablygetstronger.JonathonLu,theformerAlibabaCEO,committedtoadaptingtohisrole,

even though he knew itwould require extroverted behavior.After takingover the company, he said, “Our plan is that JackMa (the formerCEO)doesn’tneed tocomeout sooften,”Lusaid. “Iwill face thepublicmoreoften,butthisneedstimeandIalsoneedtoimprovemyself.”By stretching into more extroverted behavior at meetings so that she

talkedwithmanypeople, introvertedArleneCohnstoppedclingingtoherhusbandandbusinesspartner,Steve.She realizedas shedid this that shewasmaking friends and contacts in their line of business, increasing hervaluetothepartnership.Lookatwhat introvertedorextroverted tendenciesyoucan stretch into

and try them on. This “cross-training”will allow two positive outcomes:your opposite and others will learn to rely on you for a wider range ofsupport, and you will gain confidence in your own abilities as you eachexpandyourindividualroles.

MatchTaskstoYourTypeIn theircomplexandoften intensechangemanagementprojects,consultants

EmilyandDickAxelrodfinditanadvantagetomatchtheirclientassignmentsby personality. They ask, “Which of us will the client be more comfortablewith?”andthatpersontakesthelead.Thisisafluiddiscussionandoftenreliesontheirunderstandingofintrovertandextrovertstrengths.

“Icreateacalmerandsaferpresence,”saystheintrovertedDick,“butifweneed toorganizepeoplequicklyorweneedmoreenergy,Emilystepsin.Whenwedeliver feedback, shemightgive the feedbackwhile Imakesurethatpeopleunderstanditandaredealingwithitwell,”heexplains.The Axelrods’ clients often comment that this duality offers them

tremendous value before, during, and after the projects. Their clients getmuchmore“bangfortheirbuck”thanifjustoneofthepairwereinvolved.Ownyourstrengthsandusethemwithyouroppositetogetthingsdone.

Thinkabouttherolesyoutakeintermsofwhatyoueachhavetoofferyourclient,andthenadjustyourclient-facingbehavioraccordingly.

GetItinWritingSuccessfulbusinesspartnersagreethattheyneedtobeclearabouttheterms

of their agreement, and they often put that in writing. Michael, one of myintroverted business colleagues,writesme extensive emailswith the proposeddetailsofourdifferentresponsibilities.Iunderstandthatheisusinghisstrengthsof preparation and writing. We then schedule time to talk things out, myextroverted preference.By playing to both of our preferences, hiswriting andmytalking,weclarifyeachofourrolesandsolidifyourplans.

ProvideOn-the-SpotCoachingCoaching, includinggivingandreceivingfeedbacktoyourpartner, isavital

waytonurtureateamofopposites.IntrovertedAsia,aseniorvicepresidentofaudit,hasopencommunicationwithherchief financialofficer,Lauren,who isan extrovert. When Lauren is overwhelming the team with her rapid-firediatribe,Asia reminds her to breathe.This on-the-spot coaching slowsLaurendown,helpinghertogethermessageacrosswithmoreimpact.Infact,Laurenhas even started asking Asia for additional feedback on other aspects of hermanagementstyle.

Table5.1On-the-SpotCoachingTips

GivingFeedback GettingFeedbackAsk“Isthisagoodtimefor

feedback?”Saywhetherthistimeworksforyou

Beclearandspecificaboutwhatyouobservedandwhatyouareaskingfor

Askforaspecificexampleofwhatyourpartnerobservedifyouneedmoreinformation

Askopen-endedquestions:“How Paraphrasetomakesureyou

Askopen-endedquestions:“Howdoyouseeit?”“Haveyouthoughtaboutthis?”

Paraphrasetomakesureyouunderstand

Bespecificaboutwhatyouwouldliketoseehappennexttimethesituationoccurs

Acknowledgethefeedbackandconsiderapossiblechange

Saythankyou Saythankyou

Asanextrovert,youcansupportyourintrovertedpartner’ssteppingintomore visible roles, such as meetings. Vijay, a confident and extrovertedventure capitalist, was instrumental in helping his friendBen prepare fortheirpitchtoinvestors.HehadBenrehearsealoudseveraltimesuntilBenfeltateasewithhispresentation.VijayknewhowtohelpBenbyplayingtohispreferenceforpreparation.Asaresult,Bendidaterrificjobofmakinghispointsandgettingbuy-intohisnewbusinessidea.

Summary:Here’sWhereOutcomesCanImproveExponentiallyWhenoppositesworktogether,theycanstepfullyintotheirstrengthsforthe

benefitoftheprojectinwaysthatteamswithoutoppositescouldnot.Mutuallycomplementaryrolesoftenemergewhenoppositesteamuptomeetanobjective,andtheoutcomecanbebetterthananyoneanticipated.Thathappensonlywhenthe roles are clear and partners share the credit, refusing to allow simpletypecastingtoblurtheworkthey’vedonetostretchtowardeachother.

Thehighest-functioningoppositesadvocate foreachother,breakoutofstrict roledefinitions, andagree to accept coaching fromeachother.Youcanlearntorelyonyouroppositeforawiderrangeofsupport,andyouwillgainconfidenceinyourownabilitiesasyoueachexpandyourroles.

QuestionstoConsider1.Howdoyouconsideryour strengthswhenselectingwhich role toplay?2.Areyouokaysharingequalcreditwithyourpartnerevenwhenyoudomoreworkonanassignment?3.Inwhatsituationsdoyouadvocateforyouropposite?4.Howdoyouoccasionallybreakoutofyourexpectedroles?5.Howoftendoyouprovideon-the-spotcoachingtoeachother?

Chapter6

DestroytheDislike

“We were often angry with one another. At other times wewere very warm. I think we shared a strong sense of moralityabout films that offended us, either by their content or theirgeneralstupidity.”

—TelevisionhostRogerEbertonhisrelationshipwithcohostGeneSiskel27

DestroytheDislike:Whenyourespecteachotherandactlikefriendsyoucantalkopenlyandhavefun.

Formanyyears,GeneSiskelandRogerEbertweretheonlysourcesforfilm

criticism on television. But Siskel and Ebert couldn’t stand each other.Whenyou watched them converse and give their classic “thumbs up” and “thumbsdown”aboutthatmonth’snewreleases,youwereguaranteedtoseesparksfly.Theyoftendisagreed,andclipsoftheirinterviewsrevealacomplexrelationship.Theybickered,laughed,andraisedtheirvoices,bothoncameraandoff.

Inoneouttake,Roger, the extrovert, tells introvertedGene to “soundalittleexcited”andGenetellsRogerto“soundalittlelessexcited.”28ItgetspersonalwhenRoger,whodescribeshimselfasnot“theshy,retiringtype,”seemscomfortablewingingtheintrosandaccusesGeneofbeingunabletoadlib.Inthebeginningthey“hardlyhadasingleconversation,”saidEbert.“We

werecompetingcritics, and for a long timewe fought itouton the showbeforewesuddenlyrealizedthatwearedoingthisshowtogether….Thisissomethingwearebuildingtogether.”29

Sadly,GeneSiskeldiedofabraintumorin1999,and,inaninterviewonLarry King Live,30 a visibly upset Roger commented on how the dislikemaskedrealmutualrespect,builtoveryears.Hesaid,“Wehadallkindsoflittlevibesthatwesharedwitheachother.Therewasverbalshorthand.Wehadbeenthroughsomanymoviesandexperiencestogether thatwecouldread each other’s minds.” Ebert said they both loved movies so much,especiallygoodones,andherecalledwithaffectiononelovelyscenewhenGenecrawledovertohiminthedarkwhilewatchingFargosaying,“Thisiswhywegotothemovies.”Laterhesaid,“Ididnotrealizehowmuchweactuallyagreedonmovies.

Inthislastyear,I’vemissedhimsomuch….Ihadalmosttakenforgrantedhavingaccesstothisbrilliantmind.”Theyhad their loveofmoviesandanunderlyingdeep respect foreach

otherincommon,eventhoughtheyoftenfought likecatsanddogs.Ebertrecalls, “Whenwedisagreed about films,Gene loved it.Becauseno, I’mnotashyandretiringtype,soofcourseIpushedback,andhelovedthat,too.ThethingthatIalsolovedabouthimisherespectedmyopinionsaboutthemovies,andhedidlistentome.”The popularity of Siskel and Ebert’s reviews over the years amply

demonstrated that they achieved great results from their partnership.Apparently, they made their greatest progress when they stoppedcompeting,gotovertheirinitialcontemptforeachother,andfocusedtheirwork on their shared audience. They reaped huge benefits from growingtheirfriendshipbydestroyinganyearlydisliketheyhadforeachother.

WhyDestroyingtheDislikeMatters

YouGetResultsIn Perth, Australia, another introvert/extrovert pair demonstrates a similar

dynamic.ExtrovertedRonAlexander,aformernationalsoccerstarandnowthedirectorgeneraloftheDepartmentofSportandRecreationinthatcity,describeshis introverted colleagueGrahamas “one of theworld’smost decent people.”He says they are “kindred spirits.” Each week, they have great robustconversations over coffee that have led tomajor changes in the direction andgrowthoftheirdepartment.Bothsecond-careerprofessionals,theybondedoveradesire tobuild capacity,makeadifference, and leave a legacy.To that end,theyspearheadedthebuildingofastandalonesportsandrecreationcomplexthatisoneofthemostrespectedinAustralia.

In his book Powers of Two, author Joshua Wolf Shenk writes ofnumerous pairs who become friends despite being very different intemperament.OnesuchpairofoppositesShenkdescribesisSteveJobs(theextrovert) andSteveWozniak (the introvert).He says, “They began theirfriendship hangingout in a friend’s garage, discoveringwhat theyhad incommon,debating such topicsaswhetherBobDylanor theBeatleswerebetter musicians. Yet, while they shared a distinct vision, theirtemperamentsandcharactersdivergedsharply.Jobscouldboreintopeoplelike a laser beam… .Wozniak described being ‘scared to talk because IthoughtI’dsaythewrongthing.’”31

Theyweren’tnaturalfriends,butbuildingonasharedloveofmusicandtheirpassionforelectronics, the twobeganworking together,planting theseeds for what became the Apple computer and an actual technologicalrevolution. They have become a classic example of the dynamiccollaborationofopposites.

YouExpandYourWorldImetMolliemy sophomoreyearofhigh school.Shewas sodifferent from

my other friends.More than six feet tall with long red hair, she moved veryslowly, her shoulders slumped, and she spoke few words. But she was thecoolestgirlIevermet.Shewrotepoetry,hitchhikedontheweekends,andtoldussheoncerodeonamotorcyclewithBobDylanonabreakfromhersummercamp.

Itdidn’tmatterwhetherthatlastfactwastrue.Iwasa“fangirl”fromthestart of our friendship.We played folk songs together on the guitar. She

taughtme towrite and appreciate poetry. She laughed atmy stories andseemedtofindmyextrovertedenergyandmeamusing.Likemanyhighschoolfriendships,oursendedandwelosttouch.Isaw

heronceafewyearslateronatriptoCalifornia,butIrememberitbeingabitawkward.Wehadeachmovedon.Butwhatmattersmostisthatwhileitlastedwe each grew and shared an experience that expanded ourworlds.Until ImetMollie, IneverbelievedthatIwascreative.Shehelpedmetotapintothatimportantpartofmyself.Errol la Grange, the Australian online training company founder and

CEO,saidthatAnthony,hisbusinesspartnerandfriend,expandshisworld.“I have probably spentmore contact hours with Anthony than any otherhuman.Heconstantlyintriguesandinterestsme.Ilikespendingtimewithhim,whether that is in or out ofwork.”He continued, “Anthony iswaymoreprocessdriventhanIam.”Itendtogetboredmuchmoreeasilyandgo seek stimulation. He has taught me to be a little more proactive andreliable in my processes. Perhaps Anthony has learned to be a bit morespontaneous. Ido think thatAnthonyhascomeoutofhisshellmoreasaresultofbeingaroundme.”Thesearefriendswhodestroyedthedislikeandareexpandingtheirworldstogether.

RelationshipsthatChangeGetResultsIntrovert/extrovertpartnersatworkgothroughasimilartrajectoryofintense

interaction and lettinggo.Someof them, like consultingpartnersBillieAlbanandBarbaraBunker,becomefriendsandgrowcloserintheirlateryears,whichbenefited their consulting business. These two now travel the world together.Others,likeSiskelandEbert,movefromcompetitionandevenanimositytowardaffectionafteralifetimeofworktogether.Andstillothers,likeMollieandme,have a strong friendship for a finite period, learning and growing from eachother and thenmovingon, completingour time togetherbutnot forgetting thegiftswehavereceived.

HowDestroyingtheDislikeBreaksDown

ShuttingDownCommunicationIn small businesses and in large organizations alike, people become friends

because they work so closely together. Extroverted Leila is an experienceddental assistant at the side of an introverted dentist-boss, Jake. They didn’t

alwaysgetalong.Hispervasivesilencegratedonher,andher frequent talkingannoyedhim.

Afterworkingtogetherandlearningtoacceptthealien,thingsswitchedand Leila now considers Jake a work friend. You can pick up an easy,relaxed rapport between the two. Leila explains that she can tell whensomethingisbotheringJakenotbyanywordsbutbyhisexasperatedfacialexpression.When he doesn’t tell her what the cause is, she is frustratedtryingtofigureitout.“Isitmeorisitapatient?”shewonders.“Itdoesn’twearwellonmetokeepfeelingsinside,”Leilasaid.Whentheintrovertedpartnershutsdown,theextrovertideallytakessteps

tobringhimout.At abreakbetweenpatients she asksherbosswhat theproblem is, and theydiscuss it and thenmoveon.When theydon’t havethischeck-intime,theofficetakesonthetensionthathoversbetweenthem.Leila believes that destroying the dislike has allowed for their opencommunicationflow.When introverts and extroverts who work together don’t talk, their

resultssuffer.SongwriterAlanJayLernerandhispartnerFrederickLoewewrote suchmusicals asCamelot andMyFair Lady.Author JoshuaWolfShenk describes this sad situation. He quotes Lerner from his memoir,saying, “Too much was never said. In the end we were a little like thecouple being discussed in one of Noel Coward’s early plays. ‘Do theyfight?,’ said one. ‘Oh, no, said the others. They’remuch too unhappy tofight.’”32

Clearly, Lerner believed that he and his partner could have producedevenmorememorablemusic if theyhadcommunicatedmore.They—andwe—wouldhavebenefited.

ForcingtheFriendshipWhenIwasgoingthroughatoughtimewithgirlfriendsinmiddleschool,my

mom said she believed that you needed only one really good friend. I didn’tbelieve her at the time, but I nowunderstand.Not everyone needs to be yourfriend,especiallyatwork.Sometimes theworstdamagesomeonecando toanemergingfriendshipistoforceit.Eulalearnedthatthehardway.

Eulaisanextrovertedsalespersonatatechnologycompany.Sophia,theintrovertedaccountmanager,likestoslowlywarmuptonewpeople.WhenSophia joined the company, Eula invited Sophia out to lunch and keptstoppingbyherworkareauninvited.Eula revealed what Sophia thought was “TMI (too much information)

regardingher familyproblems.”Guardingherownprivacy,Sophia foundherselfdistancingherselffromEulaandignoringEula’sinvitations.Whenthe time came to provide input on Eula’s performance, Sophia criticizedEula’s talkative, overbearing nature. What might have become a strongworking relationship derailed when one partner failed to respect herpartner’sstyleandspace.Unfortunately,inherrunningdiatribe,Euladidn’tslowdowntonoticeSophia’sresponses.ShegeneratedadistrustfuldislikeinSophia,andbythenitwastoolate.

MajoringinMinors—andForgettingtheGoalExtrovertedWebdesignerAndyandhis introvertedartistpartnerClivehave

workedwelltogetherinagrowingbusiness.Theybecamefriendsoversixyearsandhavereceivedaccoladesfortheirworkfromseveralhigh-profileclients.

Ononeproject thingsalmost imploded.TheirnewwebsiteclientcalledtotellAndy,whowasthewebsitefixitguy,thatthesitewasdown.Ratherthan picking up the call from a client, Clive,who hates the phone, let itring.Thenhepickedupthemessageasheusuallydoes.Next,heemailedAndytogivehimthemessageaboutthewebsiteproblem.AndyfiredbackanangryresponsetoClive,askinghimwhyhehadn’timmediatelyjumpedontheissueandcalledAndy.Thepairfirstsolvedthewebsiteissue,thendiscussedthisdisconnectin

their communication. Clive agreed that in the future he would respondimmediatelytoclientemergencies.Introverted colleagues tend to use written communication (text, email,

social networking)when a voice-to-voice communicationwould bemoreeffective. Extroverts often overuse verbal modes (Skype video, phone,coffee).Bothneedtohaveaclearunderstandingofwhichmethodtouseindifferentclientscenarios.When Clive’s handling of the client’s emergency sidetracked the two

friends, everyone lost. They had both fallen into the trap of allowingstressesintheirowncommunicationtoovershadowtheirsharedvision.

Solutions:DestroyingtheDislikeCanEnableStunningOutcomes

KeepYourVisionFrontandCenterThe friendships of opposites are often complicated. Like Siskel and Ebert,

opposites often act like children, arguing and even yelling at each other. But

SiskelandEbert’s sharedvisionofputtingonagreat showkept themmovingforward. It is precisely this tension that sets the stage for real creativebreakthroughs.

There is no way that any close relationship can exist without strain,frustration,and theoccasionaleye roll.Fightingmeansyouhaveastrongopinion.Soshareit,discuss,andengage,butrememberthatyouandyourmissionarebiggerthananybickering.

GetInspiredbyCommonSymbolsOppositesDaveGilboaandNeilBlumenthalarecofoundersandco-CEOsof

theuniqueeyewearWebretailerWarby-Parker.Accordingtotheirwebsite,theysell “high-quality, retro-hipster eyeglasses for less than half the price ofmostdesigner specs” and donate glasses to people in developing countries, helpingthemtosetupbusinessessellingglasses.33

The two partners selected a blue-footed booby, a bird from theGalapagos,asoneoftheirsymbols.Foundinrarecornersoftheworld,itisaquizzical-lookingbirdwithquirkywebbedfeet.ThissymbolisshorthandintheWarby-Parkerculturefortheirvalues,including“beingworldlyandinformed, curious, constantly learningand takingyourwork seriouslybutnot you seriously.”34 This symbol serves as a touchstone for these twofriends and the entire company to remind them of their values.Organizations can help destroy the dislike in their genius opposites byfindingunifyingsymbolstokeepeveryonefocusedoncommonvalues.

BeOpentoShort-TermFriendshipsSometimesconnectionscanbefleetingandstillofferachanceto learn.

AfterhearingmyspeechattheAmericanLibraryAssociationonhowmuchwe can learn from having focused conversations, an introverted librariannamedBethwrote:

Vegaswasahardtowntobeinasanintrovert.Thatnight,asIhailedacab,Iwasoverlytiredandjustwantedtogettothehotelandawayfromthecrushofpeople….Thecabbiestartedtalkingwith me, something I generally avoid, but I thought aboutpracticing “engaged listening” and decided I would try it. Itturns out, we had an amazing conversation about the NagHammadicodicesandtheeducationalsysteminNevada.

Bethwentontosaythatshewasgratefulshetookthetimetolistenandlearn from this extroverted driver. Being open to listening and havingconversationswithstrangerscanexpandyourworld,forbothintrovertsandextroverts.

BalancetheNeedforPrivacyandFreelySharingInformationExtroverted banker Brook learned to accept introverted branch services

managerMonica’sneedforboundariesintheirrelationship.Thoughsurprisedatthe time, she eventually acceptedMonica’s decision to not share details aboutherwedding inworkplace conversation.Doesn’t every youngwomanwant tospillthosedetailstoherwomenfriends?Monicapreferstokeepherpersonallifeprivate,andwhenBrookrealizedthatshebackedoffandgaveheremployeeandworkfriendthespaceshewanted.

HereIsSomeAdviceTotheextrovert:Coolyourheelsandlettheintrovertsyouknowsharewhat

theywantto,whentheydo.Theybuildtrustthisway.Withtime,introvertswillrevealmoreandyourfriendshipwiththemwillsettleintoacomfortablerhythmofitsown.

To the introvert: Share enough information so that the extroverts youknow will feel like they can connect, stopping short of revealinginformation that makes you feel vulnerable.When they feel comfortablewithyou,amutualconversationofgiveandtakewillemerge.Andbothofyouneedtobepatient.

TalkAboutStuff“The death knell to real collaboration is politeness,”35 said biologist Francis

Crick.JustasLeilaencouragesher introverteddentistJake togethis thoughts

offhischest,oppositeswhotalkaboutwhat’sontheirmindsformdeeperworkingrelationships. IntrovertedconsultantMaureensaid thatshewouldhavestartedtalkingaboutherdifferenceswithheroppositeMarkearlierintheirpartnershipifshehadittodoagain.FacebookexecutivesMarkZuckerbergandSherylSandbergareknown

for their closed-door meetings, where they discuss “products, strategy,deals,personnel,andeachother.” Indiscussing their friendship,Sandberg

describes how she coaches Zuckerberg on his public speaking. Hecomplimentshisoppositeby remarking,“Wecan talk for30secondsandhavemoremeaningbeexchangedthaninalotofmeetingsthatIhaveforanhour.”36

Think about having your conversations on neutral ground, such asinvitingaguesttodinneroutatarestaurant,ratherthanatyourhome.Youwill both be more likely to be civil to be each other when inevitableemotionsflareup.

DriveEachOtheraLittleNutsLeighThompson,authoroftheCreativeConspiracy,wasquotedinanarticle

inFastCompany thatmade the case foroppositesworking togetherwhen shesaid,“Ineedtofindsomeonewhodrivesmenuts,butthatpersonisgoingtobeagoodcheckonmybehavior.”37

Errol andAnthony joke around constantly. They laugh at each other’sdifferencesandthemselves.Errolsays,“Yes,Anthonyprettymuchalwaysbeatsme at table tennis. I don’tmind that toomuch becausewe alwayshave a good laugh.What is frustrating is that he always prioritizesworkoverplayingtabletennis.SPAT!”Once,uponreturningfromabreakinleadingatrainingclassIfoundthat

my introverted teammateLloyd had placed a long piece ofmasking tapedown themiddleofour table.Admittedly, Ihadbeenslowlyencroachingonhissidewithmy“stuff,”andhewantedtogivemeaprettyobviousclue.Travelingtosomanycitiestogetherhadgivenusthiseasyrapport,and

theparticipantslaughedalongwithus.Ratherthanresentingeachother,wefoundaway toovercomeadislikeforourstyledifferencesandenjoy thepranksthatfollowed.Comedian and pianist Victor Borge said that “laughter is the shortest

distance between two people.” Successful introvert/extrovert partners livethatout.Reachintoyournaturalsenseofhumortolaugheverydaysothatyou can relax, support each other, and, most importantly, remain friendswhileyou’reworkingtogether.

Summary:ThatFirstStepIstheSteepestOppositeswhodotheworkofcraftingafriendshipcanachieveoutcomesthat

more like-minded teams might not reach. They can do this only if they canfigure out how to act like friends and overcome any tendency to dislike each

other over differences throughout the process. Ideally, both grow. Skills thatopposites need to destroy the dislike include keeping your vision front andcenter,getting inspiredbycommonsymbols,beingopen to thepossibility thatthis might be a short-term friendship, balancing privacy and sharing, talkingabout stuff, and driving each other a little nuts. Look at the time you spendtogetheras leading topossible lastingchange—achange thata teamofpeoplewhoarenotoppositesprobablycouldnothavecreated.

QuestionstoConsider1.Whatactionsdoyoutaketowardbeingfriendly?2.Howdoyoubalancetheneedsforprivacyandopenness?3.Whatroledoeslaughterhaveinyourrelationship?4.Howdoyoushowcuriosityaboutyouropposite’sinterests?5.Whatareyoulearningfromyouropposite?

Chapter7

EachCan’tOfferEverything

“Thoughthe twomenhadstrikinglydifferent temperaments—Roosevelt’s original and active nature at odds with Taft’sruminative and judicial disposition—their opposing qualitiesactually proved complementary, allowing them to forge apowerfulcamaraderieandrarecollaboration.”

—HistorianDorisKearnsGoodwinontherelationshipofoppositesWilliamHowardTaftandTeddyRoosevelt38

EachCan’tOfferEverything:Knowthateachoneofyouisincapableofofferingeverythingandthatfortruediversityyouworkinconcertto

providethewidestrangeofoptionstoothers.

StephanieandJaneworktogetherinavideoproductioncompany.Stephanieis definitely the more introverted of the two. They both say how much theirdifferences drive the success of their shoots and ongoing relationships withclients.

Stephanie explains, “We discovered how well our personalities worktogether first through our video production duties. Jane alwaysmade theclientfeelateaseandansweredanyquestionswhileIwouldmakesureallthe equipment was fine-tuned and ready. The complementary traitscontinuedtobenefitourteamasweaddedmoretaskstoourworkload,suchassalesandadministration.“Tomakeourcompanyassuccessfulaspossible,JaneandIhavebeen

abletofine-tuneourdivisionoflaborinthecompanyovertheyears,withafocusonourpersonalitystrengths.Byusingherextrovertstrengthsandmyintrovert strengths,we can be as efficient as possible and create the bestqualityvideos forourclients. I can’t imagineabetter fit; togetherweareunstoppable.”In the eyes of the client, “unstoppable”means exemplary service from

these responsive, creative service providers. They very likely don’t knowwhereJaneendsandStephaniebegins.Theyarereceivingmuchmorethanjustone-plus-onefromthisdynamicduo.

WhyEachofYouNotOfferingEverythingMatters

TheClientSeesaSeamlessFlowWhenintrovert/extrovertpairsare insynch, they take the timetodrawfrom

what theyeachnaturallydobest.AclientofStephanieandJane’s toldmeshewas delighted at the impact of the team’s seamless flow. “I know they havestrongpersonalitydifferences.ButallIknewwastheywereajoytoworkwithanddeliveredasuperbvideoproduct.”

When introvert/extrovert pairs are successful, they flow in front of theclient though theymay differ behind the scenes. By gently stepping intotheir natural roles, the pair avoids competing about the best way to dothings.Andtheyendupexceedingexpectations.

YouGiveClientsaChoiceofPersonalitiesMike Wittenstein, managing lead principal of a customer experience

consulting firm called Storyminers, formed a partnership with Stan Phelps,founder and experience architect of 9 Inch Marketing. Mike said, “Our

differencescomeacrossasastrengthwhenwesellourteam.Clientsliketohavepersonalitiestopickfromtomatchtheiraudiences.Theyliketoknowthatwhentheyhireoneofus,theygetbothofus.”

The adage “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts” is true,especiallyovertimeandovercomplexprojects.

TheMedleyGivesClientsaRangeofViewsStrongintrovert/extrovertpairssidesteppressuretobeonthesamepageand

instead use their differences as a way to present diverse and even divergentopinions.Thereisneveronerightanswer,sothebestwaytoserveaclientistopresent thewidestrangeofoptions tohelp themchoose thebestonefor them.Theclientwinsbyhavingthisarrayofchoices.

I copresented a program tomy professional organization on creating anicheinyourbusiness.MyintrovertedFrenchCanadianpartner,Ghislaine,recounted a low-key, methodical, and planned approach to her businessgrowth. Idescribedamoreorganicandfluidwayofbuildingacompany.Theaudienceclearlybenefitedfromthediverseperspectiveswebroughttothe subject, as demonstrated by the vibrant discussion and highengagement.We are in an age of collaboratingwith our customers.When you and

your partner present various views on how to tackle a problem or offerconflictingopinions,youalsoencourageclientsthemselvestodigdeepertofindtheirbestsolution.Youareallinittogether.Justasyouwouldn’twantto hire an internal team composed of people just like you, youwouldn’twanttobringinanoutsideserviceprovidertothinkexactlylikeyou.Introvert/extrovertpartnershipsgiveyoumoreoptions toconsider.And

in the end, a more innovative and inclusive solution will emerge.IntrovertedconsultantMaureensaysthatwhensheisteaching,shewillgivea different opinion from her extroverted colleague Mark. “We use ourdifferences.Studentsseethatyoucanbeworkingonanissueandthereismorethanonewayoflookingatit.Ourclientstellusthatweareveryfluidandthatthedancedoesn’tfeelartificial.Youobviouslyworktogether.”Listeningtocustomersisnotjustimportantforoppositesinthebusiness

world.Creativepairsalsoserveamarketandneedtolistenandrespondtothatmarket.InhisbookPowersofTwo,JoshuaWolfShenkprovidesmanyexamplesofcreativepairslikeVincentVanGogh(theextrovert)andhisartdealerbrotherandchampionTheo(theintrovert),whodidjustthat.Shenkwrites thatTheobecameanadviser toVincent, “whoseearlyworkswere

dark and dreary.”39 Theo urged him to pay attention to Impressionism, amovementVincent knewnothing about until he came, finally, to join hisbrotherinParisinFebruary1886.Hisfamous“Sunflowers”paintingsarearesultoflisteningtothatsoundadvicefromhisbrotherandopposite.

HowEachofYouCan’tOfferEverythingBreaksDownIn offering diversity to clients, pairs who offer “two for one” can work

beautifully, but can also failmemorably.Here are a fewways that failure canhappen.

OneStyleDominatesthePartnershipOne style can dominate the partnership. The introvert can spend too much

timeinreflectionandanalysis,andprogressstalls.Decisionsaren’tforthcomingandconflictshangintheair,waitingtoberesolved.Whentimeisoftheessence,indulgingtheintrovert’sstrengthofanalysiscanpreventprogress.Theextrovert,on the other hand, can prematurely rush the partner or the client along in thedesiretomakethesaleorcompleteaproject.Theiroverthetopfollowupandpushtowardresolutioncancausethecustomertowalkaway.

One of the opposites can hog the spotlight, as in this example fromintrovertedSheri, describingher extrovertedboss, Jon. “In everymeetingwith customers, I felt that I was the cupcake and he was the cake, eventhough I had more firsthand knowledge about what the issues were. Itseemedasthoughhewantedtogetthe‘facetime’infrontoftheclient.Itwasverydifficulttogetmyideasheardinourprepmeetingsandduringtheactual calls. I was so frustrated and I think the customer lost out by nothearingfrommoreknowledgeablebutquietercontributors.”

YouIgnorePreferences(AtYourPeril)Althoughmany people do consider personality styleswhen theyworkwith

clients, many opposites still don’t understand or know how to apply thisknowledge.With time andwork pressures, we focus on the task at hand andforgettoconsidertheintrovert/extrovertangle.

Alsowhenwecommunicatethewayweprefertobespokento,nottheway the other person prefers, we run into problems. For example, theextrovertforgesaheadonfulloctaneandtheintrovertforgetstomaketimeforfacetime.Individuallytheseactsdon’tamounttoagreatdealbutovertime thesemissedconnectionsaccumulate, leading to frustrationsonboth

sidesofthestreet.

YouFailtoPrepareTogetherWe’ve seen the advantages to clientswhen introvert/extrovert partners offer

true service. These teams of opposites can offermany viable choices to theirclients. While a wider menu expands the range of possible offerings tocustomers,withoutadequatepreparationbytheopposites,theclients’headswillspin.

Brianisan introvertedhealthcareconsultant.HedecidedtobringalongAva,hisextrovertedprojectmanageronanimportantsalescallwithLisa,the nursing director of a major teaching hospital. Lisa posed a questionaboutalternativesolutionstoAva,whorespondedverboselyingreatdetail.Brian observed Lisa’s eyes glazing over and gently interrupted Ava tosimplify thechoicesforhisprospectiveclient.Shortlyafter thathesealedthedeal.Ava’sinputwasdefinitelyimportant,butwithoutrehearsingtheirjoint presentation and preparing their pitch and answers to potentialquestions,thecompanynearlylostakeyclientandmajorsale.

YouOverlookNecessaryBuy-InWalt isan introvertedpublic librarianwhoworks inaMidwesterncitywith

hisextrovertedbossDaniel,whoisinchargeofcommunityrelations.AtarecentChamberofCommercemeeting,Danielhatchedaplanwithalocalnonprofittoco-sponsoraseriesofauthorvisitsandprogrammingatthelibrary.HepresentedthisplantoWaltwithgreatenthusiasm.Theplan,heexplained,wouldbringinnewandold librarypatronsandbeamajorstep toward the library’sefforts toremainrelevant.

Walt heard his boss’s enthusiastic proposal and immediately felt likerunning the other way. Why hadn’t he been asked for his input beforeDanielbrokeredthedeal?HowwouldWalthavetimetoprepareformanyactivities and logistics? On top of this, Walt’s boss told him he wasexpectinga“homerun.”Danielhadnotreceivedthenecessarybuy-infromWalt beforemaking promises to the nonprofit. Had he spent the time topartnerwithWalt in order tomake the project a success, a great deal ofanxietyandfitsandstartscouldhavebeenavoided.

Solutions:UseWhatYouKnowAboutYourOpposite;ApplyIttoClients

UseI/EPreferencestoWinBusinessYou can serve clients or customers best when you know their preferences.

AuthorPaulTieger calls this “speed-readingpeople.”40Bothofyou canmatchyourenergytoyourcustomer’sapproach.

Considermirroringyour introverted client’s laid-back energy.Take thetime tobuild trustandallowtheclient time toprocessnewdata.Areyoupausing and allowing for silence? Are you addressing the process, theinformation,andthesystems—areasthatintrovertsleantoward?Howaboutsuggestingthatintrovertsreflectonnewinformationandwriteyouanemailwiththeirresponse?Youcanalsomatchyourextrovertedcustomers’“outthere”energy.Are

you rampingupyour eye contact and smiling some?Howaboutbuildingrapport by inquiring about their interests and family?Or consider talkingoutafewofyourideassotheycanhearwhatyouarethinkingbeforethefinaldiscussion.You each can’t offer everything, but both of you can tune in to your

introverted and extroverted clients and adapt accordingly. Don’t changewhoyouare,butflexyourstyle.Thiswillallowyoutobesomuchmoreeffectivewithallofthem.

FlexbyTakingPracticalActionsKnowingyourclient’spreferencesallowsyoutocheckinwiththemtomake

sureyouaremeetingtheirneeds.BarbaraBunker,anextrovertedorganizationaldevelopment consultant, described a very effective activity called “TheFishbowl” that her work partner Billie Alban instituted because she wasconcernedthatintrovertslikeherwouldbetalkedoverbytheextrovertsintheirgroups.

Billiewould ask all of the introverts tomove their chairs together in acircle.Then she asked the extroverts to spread out into an outer ring.Aswith a fishbowl, the extrovertedparticipantswatched from theouter ring,and the introvertsworked in a circle facing inward.Billie then asked theintrovertstosharetheirideasandreactionstothediscussion.Theintrovertsopenedup andoffered their reactions and feelings.Their commentswereilluminating to the extroverts, who were enlightened by the honestdisclosures that surfaced.The subsequent discussion includedmanymorevariedviewpointsaftertheintrovertshadbeengivenpermissiontoexpresstheirviewswithoutvisualorauditoryinterruption.

ModelClientOpennessbyUsingYourOwnDifferencesWhen clients and customers see you embrace your own differences as

opposites,youmodelandcreateaclimateofopenness.Clientsaremorelikelytoconsiderdifferentideasthisway.Theyhearyouandyouroppositeofferingyourown different points of view in your natural style. It inspires them to do thesame.

One member of a genius pair said, “Having different ways of sayingthingsisbeneficial….Whenwearewithaclient,theconversationisveryfluid.Wegobackandforthandclientsseethatpeoplewithdifferentstylescanworkwelltogether.Thedanceinfrontofthemdoesn’tfeelartificial.”Don’ttrytohideyourintrovert/extrovertdifferenceswhenworkingwith

clientsandcustomers.Letthemseethatyoucanhavedifferingperspectivesasyoutalkthingsthrough.

GatherInformationAboutWhat’sWorkingWellandWhat’sNotAspartofthefreeflowofinformationbetweenyouandyourclients,askthem

questions about what is working and what needs to be improved. Does theproductorservicemeettheirstandards?Dotheygettimelyresponsesfromyourteam?What else would they like to see you offer? Are there regular enoughcommunicationswiththem,anddotheyfindthoseeffective?

Youcanuse surveys and interviews to collect dataonyour customers’experience. Meet as opposites to decide what changes you plan onimplementing based on their feedback.Be clear about your roles and getback tocustomers ina timelymannerwith this information.Betweenyouandyourclient(andyourstrengths),youshouldbeabletorespondtoyourcustomers’needs.Therearetimes,however,whenneitherofyoucanoffereverything,andyouorthecustomerdecidestoworkwithsomeoneelseornotcontinuetheproject.Strongcommunicationbetweenyou,asopposites,willhelpyouweatherthesestorms.

StrengthenYourPair’sPerformanceYou can apply your introvert/extrovert knowledge and strengths to work

betterwithyourpartnerandalsoservethecustomer.Consider this example. Brook, the extroverted vice president/branch

manager, said that her introverted employee Monica does not alwaysapproach customer situations the same way that outgoing Brook would.Monica is a top employee, but one day Brook noticed that Monica was

reticent about quickly intervening with a teller who was faced with adifficult customer. Brook provided feedback to Monica about gettinginvolvedsooner,andMonicawasveryopentoreceivingit.Monica’swillingnesstolearnfromherhighlyextrovertedbosshelpsher

servethecustomerinthebestpossibleway.Eachpartnerneedstobeopenaboutgiving andgetting feedback so that the customerbenefits from thisdiversity. Refer to theOn-the-Spot Coaching Tips chart in Chapter 5 forguidelines.In another example, Dick Axelrod, introverted coauthor of Let’s Stop

Meeting Like This, said that listening to his wife and coauthor Emily’sextroverted voice in his head helped himwhile hewaswriting his book.Dickwasable to imagine the reactionsofhismoreextroverted readers, asignificant portion of his target reader base. “Emily is more like ourclients….ItriedtokeepherinmindasIwaswriting.I’dthink,‘Howcanwesaythisinadifferentway?’”ImaginingEmily’svoicehelpedDicktoconnect with more of their readers and no doubt has contributed to thebook’ssuccess.

GetOuttheWhiteboardMuchoftheworkonaclientprojectorservicedeliverytakesplacebehindthe

scenes.Introvertedandextrovertedpartnersworkbestwhentheycanteaseoutmultipleperspectivesusing theirownuniquestrengths.Theydip inandoutofeachother’sskillsnumeroustimestohelptheoutcomebetheteam’sbestshot.

RickyWoolverton,theextrovertedsalesmanager,saidofhisintrovertedpartner Liz, “We use each other as sounding boards.We often get awayfromtheactionandfindaconferenceroomwithawhiteboard.Wewilllistwordsandtheprosandconsofadecisionwehavetomake.Wewillevenrole-play different customers and employees before making ourpresentationsinordertounderstanddifferentpotentialviewpoints.”This deliberate whiteboard time gives them each a chance to air their

concernsaswell.Liz said,“I lookat thedatacarefullyand thenproceed.Rickywantsto‘getitdone.’”Usingawhiteboardtoprepareallowsthemtocreatethebestsolutionby

usingthestrengthsofeachperson’sstyle.Thisapproachallowstheclienttoreceive outstanding results from your combinedwork as opposites. Eachcan’tdoitalone.

Summary:NurtureYourTwoPerspectivestoImprovethe

SolutionIntheworkofopposites,offeringclientsintrovertandextrovertperspectives

not only gives the client a range of views, butmay also help the client reachbetter solutions. Accepting that each can’t offer everything requires specialnurturing skills: the team of opposites needs to understand clients’introvert/extrovert preferences, check in often with clients, leverage its owndifferences to encourage clients to speak up, and constantly gather clientfeedback.Thework,however,isworththerewards.Clientsoftenfeelasthoughthe contributions of opposites give them service above and beyondwhat theyexpected.

QuestionstoConsider1. How do clients and customers benefit from your diverse anddivergentopinions?2.Howdoyougatherinformationonwhatisandisnotworkingwithclients?3. How do you synch up your ideas beforemeetingwith those youserve?4.Howdoyoumodelopennesstoyourclients?5. How do you take steps to understand your client’s introverted orextrovertedenergy?

PartIIITheResults

Chapter8

KeepYourEyeontheResults

“Wehavesuchdifferentwaysofseeingtheworldanditismagnificent!”saidextrovertedOliviaaboutworkingwithherintrovertedpartnerHenry.

Getting to that place doesn’t just happen by wanting it. Creatingextraordinary results with your opposite entails a lot of frustration andconfusionbeforethejoysofsharedoutcomesemerge.Keeping your relationship vital and active—not just coasting—is the

goal.Justascarefulsynchronizationcanleadtostrongpartnerships,gettingtangledinyourdifferencescanleadtodisastrousoutcomes.So remember that both of you always need to keep your eye on the

resultsandnotconfuse theoutcomewith theprocess.Theoutcome is thesharedgoalyouarebothmovingtoward.Theprocessishowyoubothgetthere.WithI/Eopposites,itisneverthesamewayforbothpeople.Throughoutthecourseofyourrelationship,youshouldbothcontinually

come back to the big question: “What is the common goal we want toemergefromallofthis?”If you and your opposite can stop focusing on your differences and

instead look at your common goals, you have an excellent chance ofcreatingextraordinaryresults.

NowMovefromInspirationtoActionThere are many moving parts in this delicate dynamic, and the

recommendationsmadeinthisbookwillhelpyoubothmovetothatmagnificentplaceOliviadescribes.

Needsomequestionstohelpyougetstarted?Hereyougo:

1. How can youmake the five tangible steps of ABCDE from TheGenius of Opposites Process accessible to you? Keep the processvisible. Consider putting our downloadable version (available atwww.jenniferkahnweiler.com)onyour smart phone, at your desk, oronyourscreensaver.Makeitpartofyourdailylife.

2. Were there any particular stories or examples in the book thatinspired you? What lessons are you taking from these stories orexamplesthatapplytoyourownsituation?3.Howcanyouuseadifferentapproachwithyouropposite?RefertotheSolutionssectionsinChapters3through7andcommittoonenewbehaviortoapplyeachweek.Noticeanydifferencesintheresultsyouaregetting.4.AreyouwillingtoretakethequizinChapter2inthirtydays?Askyourpartnertoretakethequizaswell.Didyourindividualscoreimprove?Howaboutyourpartner’sscore?Whatisworkingaboutworkingtogether?Whatisn’tworkingaboutworkingtogether?Whatoutcomesareyounowachieving?5.Thinkofacurrentworkproject inwhichyouareworkingwithanopposite. Are there places you two are stuck? Which step in theABCDEprocesscanyouapplytoimprovethesituation?6.WhichoftheABCDEstepsmightbeusefultofocusonwithfamily

andfriends?Tryingonthese toolsoutsideofworkwillgiveyoujustthe practice and confidence you need to strengthen those workplacerelationshipsandmovetowardoutcomes.7.Looking ahead,what are the results youwant to achieve for yournextassignment,projectorcreativeendeavor?HowcanyouapplytheGeniusofOppositesProcessforagoodstartwithfutureopposites?

Asyoumovefrominspirationtoaction,let’sendwithsomewisesend-offsfromthetwoAustralianpartners,ErrolandAnthony,whosevoicesyouhaveheardthroughoutthisbook.

ToechoOlivia’sopeningquote,Iwishyouspectacularoutcomesasyoufindyourgeniustogether.Thankyouforcomingalongonthisjourney.

Notes

Chapter1

1.OliverLeiber,“OppositesAttract.”RecordedbyPaulaAbdul,1988.2.BethBuelow,The IntrovertEntrepreneur:AmplifyYour Strengths andCreate Success on YourOwnTerms (NewYork: Penguin, to be released2016).3.“MarriedwithLuggage,”TheIntrovertEntrepreneur:Episode66,May15, 2014, narrated by Beth Buelow,http://theintrovertentrepreneur.com/2014/05/15/ep66-married-with-luggage-a-conversation-with-betsy-warren-talbot/4. Jonathan Rauch, “Caring for Your Introvert,” The Atlantic Magazine,March1,2003.5. Devora Zack, Networking for People Who Hate Networking (SanFrancisco:Berrett-Koehler,2010).

Chapter3

6.JoshuaWolfShenk,PowersofTwo(Boston:HoughtonMifflinHarcourt,2014),245.7. Stephen Sondheim, “Six by Sondheim,”HBO, documentary by JamesLapineandFrankRich,December2013.8.“SpielbergandWilliams,”TCMPresents:AFI’sMasterClass:TheArtofCollaboration,TCM,November2013.9.BradStone,TheEverythingStore(Boston:Little,Brown,2013),28.

10.DavidKiersey andMarilynM.Bates,PleaseUnderstandMe (PrometheusNemesis,1984),1.

Chapter4

11. Joshua Wolf Shenk, Powers of Two (Boston: Houghton MifflinHarcourt,2014),19.12. “Dare to Disagree,” TED, August 2012, narrated by MargaretHeffernan,www.ted.com/talks/margaret_heffernan_dare_to_disagree/transcript?language=en.13.BetsyPolkandMaggieEllisChotas,PowerThroughPartnership:HowWomenLeadBetterTogether(SanFrancisco:Berrett-Koehler,2014),109.14.RobertLutz,“StraightTalkfromBobLutzon6AutoCEOs,”Fortune,June4,2013,http://fortune.com/2013/06/04/straight-talk-from-bob-lutz-on-6-auto-ceos.15.NiloferMerchant,“SittingistheSmokingofourGeneration,”HarvardBusiness Review, January 14, 2013, https://hbr.org/2013/01/sitting-is-the-smoking-of-our-generation.

Chapter5

16.DavidA.HeenanandWarrenBennis,Co-Leaders:ThePowerofGreatPartnerships(NewYork:JohnWiley,1999),227.17. Peter Elstrom, “AlibabaCEOLuRises FromHoliday Inn Job toMaConfidant,” Bloomberg, November 18, 2013,www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-11-17/alibaba-ceo-lu-rises-from-holiday-inn-job-to-ma-confidant-tech.html.18. AdamGrant, “Rethinking the Extraverted Sales Ideal: The AmbivertAdvantage,”PsychologicalScience,April8,2013,1024–1030.19. Joshua Wolf Shenk, Powers of Two (Boston: Houghton MifflinHarcourt,July2014),66–67.20.DavidA.HeenanandWarrenBennis,Co-Leaders:ThePowerofGreatPartnerships(NewYork:JohnWiley,1999),279.21.RogerRosenblatt,“TheStraightMan,”ModernMaturity,July–August1996,20.22. “The Diner,” I Love Lucy, CBS, March 1954,www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi3032721177.23.MichaelPatrickWelch,“AnInterviewwithJohnOates,WhoDeservesYour Respect,” Vice, October 21, 2013, www.vice.com/read/john-oates-new-orleans-interview24.AdamGrant,GiveandTake(NewYork:Viking,2013),79–82.25.NancyAncowitz, “Secrets to a Successful Introvert-Extrovert Team,”PsychologyToday,March15,2010,www.psychologytoday.com/blog/self-promotion-introverts/201003/secrets-successful-introvert-extrovert-team.26. Brad Sugars, “Avoid These 7 Partnership Killers,” Entrepreneur,September10,2008,www.entrepreneur.com/article/196912.

Chapter6

27.GeneSiskelandRogerEbert,“Siskel&Ebert@TheDavidLettermanShow,” The David Letterman Show, NBC, 1987, interview by DavidLetterman,www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFr4U-iFAIw28.GeneSiskelandRogerEbert,“Siskel&Ebert’80sOuttakes,”Siskel&Ebert,www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkwVz_jK3gA29. Roger Ebert, “Ebert: A ‘Life’ Still Being Lived, And Fully,” NPR,September13,2011,www.npr.org/2011/09/13/140437328/ebert-a-life-still-being-lived-and-fully30.RogerEbert, “RogerEbertSpeaks toLarryKingaboutGeneSiskel,”Larry King Live, CNN, November 2009, interview by Larry King,www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRErc9HJSq831. Joshua Wolf Shenk, Powers of Two (Boston: Houghton MifflinHarcourt,2014),17.32. Joshua Wolf Shenk, Powers of Two (Boston: Houghton MifflinHarcourt,2014),182.33. “5 Minutes with Neil Blumenthal, CoFounder and Co-CEO, WarbyParker,”DeltaSkyMagazine,September2014,30.34. Neil Blumenthal and David Gilboa, “Dynamic Duos: 5 BrilliantBusinessLessonsfromWarby-Parker’sCEOs,”FastCompany,December2013,www.fastcodesign.com/3016313/design-50/dynamic-duos-5-brilliant-business-lessons-from-warby-parkers-ceos35. Joshua Wolf Shenk, Powers of Two (Boston: Houghton MifflinHarcourt,2014),180.36.MiguelHelft, “MarkZuckerberg’sMostValuable Friend,”NewYorkTimes, October 2, 2010,www.nytimes.com/2010/10/03/business/03face.html?_r=4&37. Leigh Thompson, Creative Conspiracy: The New Rules ofBreakthrough Collaboration (Boston: Harvard Business Review Press,2013),91.

Chapter7

38. Doris Kearns Goodwin, The Bully Pulpit (New York: Simon &Schuster,2014),94.39. Joshua Wolf Shenk, Powers of Two (Boston: Houghton MifflinHarcourt,July2014),74–75.40. Paul Tieger,TheArt of Speedreading People (Boston: Little, Brown,1999).

Acknowledgments

Ithankmymom(LucilleBoretz)foryourwarmth,independence,contagiouslaughs,andshowingmehowtogiveandreceivelove.Ialsoowesomuchtomylate dad (Alvin Boretz), whose vibrant energy I still feel. Though Imiss youeach day, your words, “Make a contribution, Jenna” guide me on this life’sjourney.Youtaughtmehowtobeinfinitelycuriousandtenacious.

Thank you, Bill, my husband and opposite, for lovingme thesemanyyears.IknowyouenjoyedthecovetedgiftofsolitudewhenIwasholedupinmywritingroom.ArlohashisAlice,butIhavemyBill.Keepcooking,please.Ialsolovethatyouhavetakenontheroleoftheplayfulgrandfather,“Grumps,”withsuchnaturalease.Andtoyoumybeautifuldaughters.Thankyou,LindseyGoldberg.Iam

so proud of how you navigate the delicate balance of being a mom andworking professional while practicing self-care. You are a wise listenerwhotrulycaresaboutmyday.Thankyou,JessieKahnweiler.Iamhumbledandinspiredbythebeautiful,brave,andhystericalworkyoufearlesslyputoutintotheworld.Youhavehelpedmetotrustmycreativegifts.Thankyoutomybeautifulgranddaughter,AvaRuth.Oncameraandin

person,youbringme indescribable joy. I love turning thepagesofbookswithyou,andbeingpresentwithyouiseffortless.Tomyson-in-law,AdamGoldberg (aka Ryan Phillipe), thank you for your wisdom, wit, andbeautifulfamilyphotographsMuchloveanddeepgratitudetomyfather-in-law, Lou Kahnweiler, my dear sister, Carrie Boretz, my aunt, ArlineGarson,andmyNewYorkandChicagofamilies.Thankyou tomy team.ArleneCohn,NickAlter,StephenBurton, and

BeckyRobinsonandherpeepsatWeavingInfluence,aswellasthestellarstaff at the UPS Store in Dunwoody, Georgia. I love collaborating andcreatingwithyouall.Mytalentededitor,NancyBreuer,isageniuswiththeEnglish language and gently guided me toward crisper writing whilehonoringmyvoiceandmyschedule.ThankyoutoJonPeckforbreathingvisuallifeintothesewords..A quiet bow to Jeevan Sivasubramaniam, my brilliant Berrett-Koehler

editorandgeniusopposite.Youhavehelpedmetorevealthisbook’sheartand telladeeperstory.Yourespondedtoeveryrequest (even theanxious

ones)withrespectandpatience.Thankyou,StevePiersanti,CEOofBerrett-Koehler,forextendingyour

handandbelievingthataworldthatworksforallvaluesbothintrovertsandextroverts.I alsowant to acknowledge the sharp suggestionsmade bymanuscript

reviewers,CarolMetzker,PamelaGordon,andDanielleL.Goodman.Youladiesrock.Deep appreciation goes out to other stellar members of the Berrett-

Koehler community. There are none better than Kristen Frantz, LasellWhipple,RickWilson,CourtneySchonfeld,MikeCrowley,KatieSheehan,JohannaVondeling,MariaJesusAguilo,CatherineLegronne,ZoeMackey,Anna Leinberger, Grace Miller, Marina Cook, David Marshall, andCharlotteAshlock.Iwillbeyour“queenforaday”anytime!Bows of gratitude toElissaAmerson,DaveBasarab,BarbaraMcAfee,

JesseStoner,BillStainton,JoshuaWolfShenk,AdamGrant,DickAxelrod,Emily Axelrod, Marcia Reynolds, Bill Treasurer, Susan Zeidman, DaveSummers, Alexandra Watkins, Lisa McLeod, Vinay Kumar, MichaelPrince, Lan Bercu, Ken Futch, Pete Weissman, David Greenberg, GeneGreissman,StephanieRoemer,SuzanneRichards,andRicharRuizforyourbeliefinmywork.A special shoutout to an incrediblygivinggroupof authorsproducing

groundbreakingworkin theintrovertedspace, includingSusanCain,BethBuelow,SophiaDembling,NancyAncowitz,andValNelson.Iamalsosothankfultothereadersofmybookswhohavehaveopened

the door to new research questions. Thank you also to the many geniusoppositeswhoopenlysharedyourstoriesinhoursofinterviews.Youwerebeyondgenerouswithyourtime,honesty,andinsights.Withoutyoutherewouldbenobook.There isn’t room to list the many other individuals who have your

imprintonthiswork.Thankyou.Finally,mygreatest recent lessonsabout courageandgracehavecome

frommyfellowBerrett-Koehlerauthorandfriend,JamieShowkeir,whoisbravely facingALS (LouGehrig’s disease).He and hiswife,Maren, arebeautifulpeopleclimbingdailymountains.Theyare teachingmetorelisheachday.Namaste.

Index

AABCDEprocess,8–9Abernathy,RalphDavid,Jr.,1,70Abrams,Amy,75acceptance,33–49

breakdownsin,38–42importanceof,35–38solutionsaround,42–48

AchirandIshar,58–59actionsteps,118–120AdamandLindsey,42advocaterole,76–77affection,34agreements,79Ailsa,62Alban,Billie,47,88,108Alexander,Ron,86Alibaba,68,77Allen,Gracie,70“ambivert”traits,69AndyandClive,91–92animosity,destroying,83–98

breakdownsin,89–92importanceof,86–89solutionsfor,92–97

Applecomputer,87appreciation,36approaches,119Arlene,44Ashlock,Charlotte,71–72AsiaandLauren,79–80Ava,BrianandLisa,105–106awareness,36–37

Axelrod,Dick,78–79,111Axelrod,Emily,11,17–18,78–79

Bbalance,57–58,94–95Baskins,Burton,75–76battles,bringingon,51–65

breakdownsin,56–59importanceof,53–56questionsfor,61tsolutionsfor,59–64

BenandVijay,80Benz-Daimler,56Beth,94BetsyandCharlotte,71–72Bezos,Jeff,43–44Bill,62Blackwell,Maureen,46–47,96blindwalkexercise,36–37Blumenthal,Neil,93Borge,Victor,97boundaries,18,90–91,94–95Braden,Liz,55–56,111–112Brian,AvaandLisa,105–106BrookandMonica,76,94–95,110Buelow,Beth,14Bunker,Barbara,47,88,108Burns,George,70

CCain,Susan,5calmness,77CarolynandKendra,57–58casting,67–82

breakdownsin,72–75importanceof,69–72solutionsaround,75–80

characterstretching,77–78check-intime,90choice,clientsand,101–102Chotas,MaggieEllis,53Chrysler,56–57clarity,79CliveandAndy,91–92coaching,on-the-spot,79–80,80tCohn,Arlene,78Cohn,Steve,16,78collaboration,4,37–38,79–80,95–96comfort,39–40,44,47,95commonground,121communication

breakdownsin,40–42,89–92,105collaborationthrough,37–38,79–80,95–96conflictand,34–35,59–60definitionof,35differencesin,35–36,38,43–47,108–109feedbackand,79–80,109–110flexibilityin,43–44andlistening,55,63–64,103nonverbal,38,89physicalmovementand,64shorthand,46–47,84stressand,40–42,57–59written,79,92

complementarydifferences,34conflict,talkingthrough,34–35,59–60connections,46conversationalsidebars,47Coward,Noel,90crashandburn,preventing,9–10credit-sharing,73–74Crick,Francis,2,95crisismanagement,60,62cross-training,77–78

Ddamagecontrol,76–77DanielandWalt,106DerrickandMichael,63–64differences,acceptanceof,33–49disagreements,necessityof,54–56disconnection,72–73divisionoflabor,100dominantstyles,104

EEaton,Robert,56–57Ebert,Roger,83,84–85,88,92–93empathy,36–37energy

differencesin,59–60matching,107

equality,56–57,72–73EulaandSophia,90–91EverythingStore,The,43examples,119expansion,personal,69–70,87–88expectations,74–75exteriorstimulation,46extroverts,descriptionof,14–15,43teyecontact,46

Ffairness,72–73family,processand,119–120Fargo,85FastCompany,96fear,41feedback,47–48,79–80,109–110“Fishbowl,The,”108flexibility,75–80flow,101

focus,39,42–48,91–93,117–121friends,processand,119–120friendships,short-term,94

Ggeniusopposites,descriptionof,13Ghislaine,102Gilboa,Dave,93goals,42–48,86–87,91–93,117–121Goldman,James,37Goodwin,DorisKearns,99GrahamandRon,86grandstanding,73–74Grant,Adam,69–70,73–74groupprocessing,17

HHall,Daryl,73HanandMei,40–41harmony,37Hefferman,Margaret,52Henry,6,103,117,Holden,Jeff,43–44Holmes,Sherlock,67House,Mark,46–47,96humor,96–97

IILoveLucy,72impasses,62individualprocessing,17inequality,56–57,72–73informationgathering,clientsand,109–110input,overlooking,106internalfocus,39internalization,57–58interpersonalskills,classesin,42interpretation,35

IntrovertEntrepreneur,The,14IntrovertedLeader,The,4introverts,descriptionof,14–15,43tintrusiveness,18,90–91,94–95intuition,35IsharandAchir,58–59

JJakeandLeila,89–90,95JaneandStephanie,73,100,101Jillette,Penn,51Jobs,Steve,1,86–87joking,96–97JonandSheri,104JoseandNicole,76–77JoseandRicardo,53–54

KKahnweiler,Jessie,38–39KendraandCarolyn,57–58Kiersey,David,45King,MartinLuther,Jr.,1,70Kneale,George,52–53

LlaGrange,Errol,34–35,37,38,40,62,88,96–97,120–121Lancaster,Adelaide,75Lancet,The,52Landers,Ann,1language,43–44LarryKingLive,84laughter,96–97LaurenandAsia,79–80LeilaandJake,89–90,95Lennon,John,1Lerner,AlanJay,90LiamandJessie,39

Lieber,Oliver,13LindseyandAdam,42Lisa,AvaandBrian,105–106Lloyd,97Loewe,Frederick,90Lu,Jonathon,68,77Lutz,Robert,56–57

MMa,Jack,68,77McCartney,Paul,1McLeod,Bob,60McLeod,Lisa,60marriage,2MassiveOnlineOpenClassroom(MOOC),34MeiandHan,41Merchant,Nilofer,64MichaelandDerrick,63–64MichaelandJennifer,79mirroring,107modeling,108–109Mollie,87–88,89MonicaandBrook,76,94–95,110Morris,Anthony,34–35,37,38,40,62,88,96–97,120–121

Nneeds,communicationand,60networking,16–17neutralground,96NicoleandJose,76–77

OOates,John,73“offstagepartners,”70Olivia,6,103,117,123on-the-spotcoaching,79–80,80topenness,108–109

options,clientsand,102–103“outthere”role,70outsidestress,40–42outsiders,objective,62

Ppatience,39–40,44,47,95personalitystyles,42,43t

expanding,69–70,87–88Phelps,Stan,101pigeonholing,74–75planning,39PleaseUnderstandMe,45politeness,95–96Polk,Betsy,53PowerThroughPartnership:HowWomenLeadBetterTogether,53PowersofTwo,86,103pranks,97preferences,105preparation,79,80,105–106privacy,18,90–91process,17,117,118,119–120

QQuiet,4QuietInfluence,4quiz,geniusofopposites,21–29,119

RRashidandSari,74–75Rauch,Jonathan,16recharging,14,16relationshipchanges,88–89respect,48responsibilities,sharingof,56–57results,42–48,86–87,91–93,117–121RicardoandJose,53–54

rigidity,74–75Robbins,Irvine,75–76roles,70,75–80,111Roosevelt,Eleanor,1Roosevelt,Franklin,1Roosevelt,Teddy,1,99Rosenblatt,Roger,70

SSalk,Jonas,74Sandberg,Sheryl,1,96SariandRashid,74–75Schrempp,Jurgen,56seamlessness,101senseofself,75–76SerenityPrayer,44Shenk,JoshuaWolf,33,70,86,90,103SheriandJon,104short-termfriendships,94shuttingdown,40ShyamandVeer,69sidebars,conversational,47sidekicks,70Siskel,Gene,83,84–85,88,92–93socializing,15–17solitude,15–17,19,39Sondheim,Stephen,37SophiaandEula,91soundingboards,111–112space,respectfor,90–91“speed-readingpeople,”107Spielberg,Steven,38spotlight,hogging,104StephanieandJane,73,100,101Stewart,AliceMary,52–53stimulation,exterior,46Stone,Brad,43

stories,119“straightman/woman”role,70strengths,38–40,69–70stress,39–42styles,differencesin,42,43t,104symbols,common,93–94synchronization,99–113

applicationsfor,107–112breakdownsin,104–106importanceof,101–103

TTaft,WilliamHoward,1,99tagteams,69talking

conflictand,34–35,64versusthinking,17–18

Tamika,44tangents,conversational,47task-matching,78–79Teller,RaymondJoseph,51thirdparties,62Thompson,Leigh,96thought,conversationversus,17–18Tieger,Paul,106time,47time-out,63–64tolerance,41–42trust,18typecasting,74–75

Uunderstanding,33updates,47–48

Vvalues,symbolsand,93–94

VanBuren,Abigail,1VanGogh,Theo,103VanGogh,Vincent,103VeeandShyam,69viewpoints,rangeof,102–103VijayandBen,80visibility,ofprocess,118vision,42–48,58–59,91–93,117–121

Wwalkandtalk,64WaltandDaniel,106Warby-Parker,93Watson,Dr.JohnH.,67Watson,James,2weaknesses,38–40Williams,John,38willingnesstolearn,110–111wiring,15–18Wittenstein,Mike,101Woolverton,Ricky,55–56,111–112workloadimbalance,57–58Wozniak,Steve,1,86–87

ZZack,Devora,18Zuckerberg,Mark,1,96

AboutJennifer

JenniferB.Kahnweiler,PhD,CSP,isanauthor,globalspeaker,andthoughtleader hailed as a “champion for introverts.” Her bestselling books TheIntrovertedLeader:BuildingonYourQuietStrength andQuiet Influence:TheIntrovert’sGuidetoMakingaDifferencehaveachievedwidespreadappealandhavebeentranslatedintofourteenlanguagesincludingChineseandSpanish.

Her career includes jobs as an elementary school counselor, universityadministrator,federalgovernmentprogramdirector,andcareercoach.Shedeepenedherknowledgeandappreciation for introverts throughherworkasalearninganddevelopmentprofessionalinleadingorganizationssuchasGeneral Electric, FreddieMac, NASA, Turner Broadcasting, and the USCentersforDiseaseControl.Jenniferhasdeliveredkeynotespeechesandseminarsaroundtheworld,

includinginAustralia,Vietnam,Japan,theNetherlands,andParaguay.Herpresentations include her characteristic humor, poignant stories, andpractical tools. She has also been featured in Fortune, Forbes, TimeMagazine,BloombergBusinessWeek,andtheWallStreetJournal.She received her PhD in counseling and organizational development

from Florida State University (go Seminoles!) and her earlier degrees insociologyandcounselingfromWashingtonUniversity,St.Louis.SheisaCertified Speaking Professional (CSP), a designation held by a smallpercentageofprofessionalspeakers.Jenniferhasalsoservedontheboardsof the Berrett-Koehler Author’s Co-op, the Global Task Force, and theNationalSpeakersAssociationofGeorgia.JennifergrewupoutsideNewYorkCityandliveswithherhusband,Bill,

andFredthecat(whostillprefersBill)inAtlanta,Georgia.

WorkingwiththeAuthor

ProgramsOfferedbyJennifer“Jenniferdoesawonderfuljobbyworkingtounderstandheraudienceandleveraging that understanding to their advantage. She gets wonderfulreviews on the quality of her message and style of delivery. We lookforwardtobringingherbackonaregularbasis!”—SuzanneRichards,VicePresident,FreddieMac

JenniferB.Kahnweiler,PhD,CSP,isaglobalspeakerandauthorwhohelpsintrovertsleadwithquietconfidenceandorganizationsgetthebestoutoftheirintroverted talent. Her bestselling books,The Introverted Leader: Building onYour Quiet Strength andQuiet Influence: The Introvert’s Guide to Making aDifference,havesoldmorethansixtythousandcopiesandhavebeentranslatedinto fourteen languages. These books are the basis for engaging keynotespeeches,content-richseminars,andresults-drivengroupcoaching.

KeynoteSpeeches

TheGeniusofOpposites:CreatingExtraordinaryResultsTogetherDoyouoftengetfrustratedwiththeintrovertsorextrovertsinyourworld?It’s

true—oppositesattract,buttheirsuccessdependsonhowtheyinteract.Withoutcarefulmaintenanceandbalance theyquicklygooff the rails. In thiskeynote,youwilllearnhowtoturnfrustrationintoanincrediblecollaborationthatyieldslonglastingresults.

Basedonherextensiveresearchandexperience,Jenniferwillwalkyouthrough a framework called The Genius of Opposites Process. Learn toapplythefiveessentialstepsnecessaryforsuccess:AccepttheAlien,Bringon the Battles, Cast the Character, Destroy the Dislike, and Each Can’tOfferEverything.

QuietInfluence:TheNewWaveofLeadershipDidyouknowthat introvertshave themost influencewhen theystopacting

likeextrovertsandrelyontheirnaturalstrengths?LearnhowtoimplementtheQuiet Influence Process and make the most of six natural strengths such as

takingquiettime,engagedlistening,andathoughtfuluseofsocialmedia.Bothintrovertsandextrovertswilllearnpracticalstrategiesformakingthedifferencetheywereintendedtomake.

TheIntrovertedLeader:BuildingonYourQuietStrengthDidyouknowthatintrovertsoftenmakethebestleaders?Jenniferdrawsupon

stories and research to demonstrate how introverts can succeed as leaders andworkwith,notagainst,whotheyare.Youwilllearnaboutthecharacteristicsofintroverts and how to use the 4 P’s Process (Prepare, Presence, Push, andPractice) to manage and lead as an introvert. You will understand why ourorganizations can’t afford tomiss out on the invaluable contributions of theirquieteremployees.

VisitJenniferonlineat:www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcojuaoMGRY

SeminarsandWebinarsJennifer’s content-rich half-and full-day seminars take a deeper dive into a

widerangeofintrovertedandextrovertedleadershipstrategies.Theyexpandonpractical toolsandprinciplesdrawn fromherbooksongeniusopposites,quietinfluence,andintrovertedleadership.SampletitlesincludeCoachingontheFly,Succeeding As An Introverted Women, and Networking for Introverts andExtroverts.

Allseminarsarecustomizedtoyourorganization’sneedsandarehighlyinteractive.Theyuseprovenadult learningapproachessothatparticipantsretain and apply information. They are typically delivered to leaders,emerging leaders, and professionals across their organizations. Modulesincludeself-assessments,workbooks,casestudies,androle-plays.

GroupCoachingGroupcoachinghelpsthekeynoteorseminar’smessages“stick”inalasting

andmeaningfulway.Bothintrovertedandextrovertedparticipantsgainvaluebyaddressing provocative questions stimulated by Jennifer’s keynotes andseminars. These small, extended post-session coaching groups are offered viaphonetogiveparticipantsanopportunitytoengageinfocusedconversationsandproblemsolving.Thisallowsparticipantstosharesuccesses,presentchallenges,receivepeerfeedback,andcreateactionplansinasafeenvironment.

FollowUponDemandLearningPrograms

Jennifer’s updatedwork can be found on an increasing number of learningplatforms andmobile applications. These includeAudvisor, Avanoo,G5, TheMobileBusinessAcademy,O’Reilly.com,PDU’s2Go,andSkillsoft.Checkfornewprogramlinksonherwebsite:www.jenniferkahnweiler.com.

SubscribetoJennifer’sblog:

ContinuetheConversation

SubscribetoJennifer’sblog:

www.jenniferkahnweiler.com/blog/

Andsignupforhermonthlyemailalertswithpractical tips,andaccessfreearticles and assessments at jenniferkahnweiler.com.You can also engagewithher and her community on Twitter (@jennkahnweiler), Facebook (TheIntroverted Leader), Linked In (Jennifer Kahnweiler), and Instagram(jkahnweiler).

AlsobyJenniferKahnweiler

QuietInfluence

TheIntrovert’sGuidetoMakingaDifference

Introvertsmayfeelpowerless inaworldwhereextrovertsseemtorule,but there’s more than one way to have some sway. Jennifer Kahnweilerprovesintrovertscanbehighlyeffectiveinfluencerswhen,insteadoftryingtoactlikeextroverts,theyusetheirnaturalstrengths.KahnweileridentifiessixuniquestrengthsintrovertshaveandincludesaQuietInfluenceQuotientquiz to measure how well you’re using these six strengths now. Then,throughquestions,tools,exercises,andreal-worldexamples,shehelpsyouincreaseyourmasteryofthesestrengths.

“Thisextraordinarybookshowsthatyoudon’thavetoraiseyourvolumetohaveavoice.”—SusanCain,authorofQuiet:ThePowerofIntrovertsinaWorldThatCan’t

StopTalkingPaperback,192pages,ISBN978-1-60994-562-6PDFebook,ISBN978-1-60994-563-3

Berrett-KoehlerPublishers

Berrett-Koehler is an independentpublisherdedicated toanambitiousmission:connectingpeopleandideastocreateaworldthatworksforall.

We believe that to truly create a better world, action is needed at alllevels—individual,organizational,andsocietal.Attheindividuallevel,ourpublications help people align their liveswith their values andwith theiraspirationsforabetterworld.Attheorganizationallevel,ourpublicationspromote progressive leadership and management practices, sociallyresponsible approaches to business, and humane and effectiveorganizations. At the societal level, our publications advance social andeconomic justice, shared prosperity, sustainability, and new solutions tonationalandglobalissues.

Amajorthemeofourpublicationsis“OpeningUpNewSpace.”Berrett-Koehler titles challenge conventional thinking, introduce new ideas, andfoster positive change. Their common quest is changing the underlyingbeliefs,mindsets,institutions,andstructuresthatkeepgeneratingthesamecycles of problems, nomatterwho our leaders are orwhat improvementprogramsweadopt.

We strive to practice what we preach—to operate our publishingcompanyinlinewiththeideasinourbooks.Atthecoreofourapproachisstewardship,whichwedefineasadeepsenseofresponsibilitytoadministerthe company for the benefit of all of our “stakeholder” groups: authors,customers, employees, investors, service providers, and the communitiesandenvironmentaroundus.

Wearegratefultothethousandsofreaders,authors,andotherfriendsofthecompanywhoconsiderthemselvestobepartofthe“BKCommunity.”Wehopethatyou,too,willjoinusinourmission.

ABKBusinessBookThisbookispartofourBKBusinessseries.BKBusinesstitlespioneernew

and progressive leadership and management practices in all types of public,private, and nonprofit organizations. They promote socially responsibleapproaches to business, innovative organizational change methods, and morehumaneandeffectiveorganizations.

Berrett–KoehlerPublishers

Connectingpeopleandideastocreateaworldthatworksforall

DearReader,

Thank you for picking up this book and joining our worldwidecommunityofBerrett-Koehler readers.We share ideas thatbringpositivechangeintopeople’slives,organizations,andsociety.

Towelcomeyou,we’dliketoofferyouafreee-book.Youcanpickfromamong twelve of our bestselling books by entering the promotional codeBKP92Ehere:http://www.bkconnection.com/welcome.

Whenyouclaimyourfreee-book,we’llalsosendyouacopyofoure-newsletter,theBKCommuniqué.Althoughyou’refreetounsubscribe,therearemanybenefitstostickingaround.Ineveryissueofournewsletteryou’llfind

•Afreee-book•Tipsfromfamousauthors•Discountsonspotlighttitles•Hilariousinsiderpublishingnews•Achancetowinaprizeforansweringariddle

Bestofall,ourreaderstellus,“YournewsletteristheonlyoneIactuallyread.”Soclaimyourgifttoday,andpleasestayintouch!

Sincerely,

CharlotteAshlockStewardoftheBKWebsite

Questions?Comments?Contactmeatbkcommunity@bkpub.com.